A new friendship (red flags and codependency issues)
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A new friendship (red flags and codependency issues)
Hello everyone!
I have not been on here in ages. So the short background story is that I used to be married to an alcoholic and divorced him almost 5 years ago. Am I happy with my life? Absolutely! Thanks to the Al-Anon life philosophy, I have managed to do things all by myself that I never thought I would be capable of. One step at a time. Well, one mile at a time, I moved to another city all by myself last year, and I am extremely happy and grateful. The things is that my self-esteem was so low that I was afraid to make a move, any move. Today, I feel like I have my peace, and that is absolutely the most precious thing in my life: a peaceful home.
Now, I am writing because I need your help with something else. I have been trying to define the nature of relationship with a certain friend, and I am questioning her intentions, but I have nothing much to offer against her. I just have this gut feeling that something is not right and red flags all over.
So, basically what happened is that when I was about to move, this woman wanted us to keep in touch (which I had no issues with because I kept in touch with pretty much everyone else) and to "deepen our friendship." Again, I was thinking that there cannot be anything wrong with it. We both like painting, so I thought that was the connection. Now the very first red flag (and please do not laugh) is that she likes absolutely everything I post on social media, always first, and it can be the same post both on Facebook and Instagram, and on Instagram she uses two profiles, and likes from both. Why is this freaking me out? Because of the sense I am being monitored, followed very closely, and then there is the sense of dishonesty, because no one can like every single thing you post. In addition, we are not teens, we are both around 40-tish, and she has also recently moved and has a boyfriend.
So, in the pre-COVID times, she came to visit me, and we ate at a restaurant 3-4 times, then everything got shut down, but she kept contacting me, always first (I would message her now or then because she was moving as well, so I asked her how the move went for example). At first I did not mind, but then realized there was a pattern. Let's say that she will initiate the contact 6-7 times, and me only once. The sentence goes like "this might sound crazy, but I miss you and D (D being my dog)." Or I get a lot of compliments from her. My first gut reaction is, that is BS. I do not mind her, but I do not feel any need to message her every week or check up on her. In addition, I am fully focused on my life. It is literary as if she is just trying to find a reason to get in touch with me or say something. No one else acts this way. I talk to people, but there are no strings attached. I guess I do not feel such a close connection or even infatuation? I keep wondering, what signals was I sending? Am I even aware? I also feel as if she is trying to pull things out of me, or to make sure that she is somewhere on my agenda, and I do not even use messenger with my family members to talk to that often.
I really do not know. I am mainly shocked by the intensity of my feelings (negativity), because the more she is contacting me or showing any sign of media presence, the more I am pulling away. Is this my codependency? Or do you also think that there is something fishy? I would really appreciate some insight.
I have not been on here in ages. So the short background story is that I used to be married to an alcoholic and divorced him almost 5 years ago. Am I happy with my life? Absolutely! Thanks to the Al-Anon life philosophy, I have managed to do things all by myself that I never thought I would be capable of. One step at a time. Well, one mile at a time, I moved to another city all by myself last year, and I am extremely happy and grateful. The things is that my self-esteem was so low that I was afraid to make a move, any move. Today, I feel like I have my peace, and that is absolutely the most precious thing in my life: a peaceful home.
Now, I am writing because I need your help with something else. I have been trying to define the nature of relationship with a certain friend, and I am questioning her intentions, but I have nothing much to offer against her. I just have this gut feeling that something is not right and red flags all over.
So, basically what happened is that when I was about to move, this woman wanted us to keep in touch (which I had no issues with because I kept in touch with pretty much everyone else) and to "deepen our friendship." Again, I was thinking that there cannot be anything wrong with it. We both like painting, so I thought that was the connection. Now the very first red flag (and please do not laugh) is that she likes absolutely everything I post on social media, always first, and it can be the same post both on Facebook and Instagram, and on Instagram she uses two profiles, and likes from both. Why is this freaking me out? Because of the sense I am being monitored, followed very closely, and then there is the sense of dishonesty, because no one can like every single thing you post. In addition, we are not teens, we are both around 40-tish, and she has also recently moved and has a boyfriend.
So, in the pre-COVID times, she came to visit me, and we ate at a restaurant 3-4 times, then everything got shut down, but she kept contacting me, always first (I would message her now or then because she was moving as well, so I asked her how the move went for example). At first I did not mind, but then realized there was a pattern. Let's say that she will initiate the contact 6-7 times, and me only once. The sentence goes like "this might sound crazy, but I miss you and D (D being my dog)." Or I get a lot of compliments from her. My first gut reaction is, that is BS. I do not mind her, but I do not feel any need to message her every week or check up on her. In addition, I am fully focused on my life. It is literary as if she is just trying to find a reason to get in touch with me or say something. No one else acts this way. I talk to people, but there are no strings attached. I guess I do not feel such a close connection or even infatuation? I keep wondering, what signals was I sending? Am I even aware? I also feel as if she is trying to pull things out of me, or to make sure that she is somewhere on my agenda, and I do not even use messenger with my family members to talk to that often.
I really do not know. I am mainly shocked by the intensity of my feelings (negativity), because the more she is contacting me or showing any sign of media presence, the more I am pulling away. Is this my codependency? Or do you also think that there is something fishy? I would really appreciate some insight.
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Trust your gut.
She may have boundary problems, she may have mental health problems, or she’s ultimately planning to hit you up for money or a MLM scam, but regardless, you have every right to decide which people are in your life.
As for worrying that her behavior is somehow caused by your unknown “signals”...that is codependent thinking, yes? You are not responsible for the behavior of other people,
In this way, this hideous virus may actually be helpful. It gives you a non-personal way to detach.
Your freedom and peace were hard earned. Guard them fiercely!
She may have boundary problems, she may have mental health problems, or she’s ultimately planning to hit you up for money or a MLM scam, but regardless, you have every right to decide which people are in your life.
As for worrying that her behavior is somehow caused by your unknown “signals”...that is codependent thinking, yes? You are not responsible for the behavior of other people,
In this way, this hideous virus may actually be helpful. It gives you a non-personal way to detach.
Your freedom and peace were hard earned. Guard them fiercely!
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OK, this morning, she sent a brief message "Happy Friday!" So, I answered "Happy Friday and I hope you enjoy your weekend." Then I came here and wrote the post. Now I get another message cherishing our "friendship" being sent photos of the food she made and saying she wishes we were neighbors. Again, I am feeling as she wants to "engage me" in a conversation. And frankly, I have no idea how to handle this. I decided not to answer, because, if I am correct, then I should not give her what she wants. Maybe I am an a-hole, but this just does not seem right.
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You don’t owe anyone a dialogue at any time. You responded. The end.
You might want to consider a break from social media. It can be so fraught and it’s one way to reduce your exposure to this person.
You might want to consider a break from social media. It can be so fraught and it’s one way to reduce your exposure to this person.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
You don’t owe anyone a dialogue at any time. You responded. The end.
You might want to consider a break from social media. It can be so fraught and it’s one way to reduce your exposure to this person.
You might want to consider a break from social media. It can be so fraught and it’s one way to reduce your exposure to this person.
Gotta remember, "You do not owe anyone a dialogue anytime." That's what I needed.
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I don't see this as particularly weird or nefarious, mainly because we're dealing with something similar - at work. A woman has become a frequent customer, in a couple times a week for piddling little things. Tiny things, and chats for as long as is practical. Newest colleague speculated that with her husband working out of town, she's lonely.
I suppose almost everyone has had the experience of having someone else more desirous of a relationship than we were. You're not obligated to continue or reciprocate. Similarly, we've all been rebuffed. At 40-ish, we should be able to handle it.
"Gwendolyn" is polite, timely with payments, friendly, and engaging. And yet, she gives the impression of someone one wouldn't want to date just because she seems needy.
I suppose almost everyone has had the experience of having someone else more desirous of a relationship than we were. You're not obligated to continue or reciprocate. Similarly, we've all been rebuffed. At 40-ish, we should be able to handle it.
"Gwendolyn" is polite, timely with payments, friendly, and engaging. And yet, she gives the impression of someone one wouldn't want to date just because she seems needy.
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There is something that I learned about this feeling before, and they say that it actually indicates that our boundaries are weak in that particular area. I am thinking because I saw this move to a new city as a new beginning, my very own space, no strings attached, no people who know my ex. But then I feel like being followed, and the girl probably has no bad intentions, and she is not originally from that community, just like me, but I do feel that there is a kind of attention-seeking behavior, like she is trying to impress me. I like when friendships develop naturally, not like saying "OK, we decided to be friends starting from 10:48 this morning, and all the boundaries are going down." It was a trigger for some reason when she said she wished we lived closer, and I simply do not feel that connection. My little home is like a shrine to me. So, yes, I am probably feeling that my peace is going to be violated somehow, and that made me flip. I do feel better knowing I am not obliged to reply. I also do appreciate your input.
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Originally Posted by healthyagain
I just have this gut feeling that something is not right and red flags all over.
she likes everything I post on social media .........Why is this freaking me out? Because of the sense I am being monitored.
she likes everything I post on social media .........Why is this freaking me out? Because of the sense I am being monitored.
I had an old family friend from over 40 years ago who friended me on Facebook. I had to unfollow her that very day, because her Facebook page was nothing but a political rant. She also "liked" every single post I put up, and I also felt "monitored."
I finally blocked her one day when she attempted to start a fight with me over the boycott of a local business.
When I was an unrecovered codependent, I was a magnet for control freaks. And yes, Virginia, there is a group of people out there who LIVE to control others.
Part of my recovery, to borrow a term from book keeping, has been to transition to an "uncontrollable expense." Of course, this can be unsettling to the control freaks who remember my unrecovered self.
I second the advice others have offered here to "go with your gut."
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OK, so, here is what happened, and I kinda do not know what to think (but it looks like my gut feeling was spot on). Again, if you could shed some light, that would be great. My brain is all over the place. I know this is not exactly a topic on alcoholism (at least not that I know), but it has everything to do with setting boundaries. And why do I feel someone is walking all over them, and why is my reaction so intense?
So, 10 days ago, I muted the conversation with her, and was generally off social media. The Facebook messenger does not show any notifications. I have to click on the icon and open the window. I also use Messenger exclusively when talking to my family. So on Sunday, I opened it, and I see this Friday's message. Same "Happy Friday" thing like the week before. So, I am like ". . . OK, it's been 48 hours . . . I can just send a quick note, say that I am off social media and that I am recharging my brainpower." (Which is true.) And she said, "OK, we catch up some other time." My reaction was, "Great, now this sounds promising! Maybe there is hope!" Then today, I get an Instagram notification that my name was mentioned on her Instagram B&W selfie challenge photo (a lucky star picked out of 1,500). Even if she were my friend remotely, she would know how I HATE the very idea of challenges). In fact, we talked about the same thing 2 weeks ago, in one of our last chats, how people generally hate being tagged. And less then 24 hours ago, I told her I was social media detoxing! Yes, I know, I do not have to respond to any social media challenges, but the idea that my name is tagged to her selfie. It is almost like "Heeey, look at meeee!!!!"
After this episode, I sent her a decent message stating that I would really appreciate if she could stop mentioning me in challenges (the settings were changed regardless, but because I felt there is more to this "tagging" crap, it was addressed directly.)
The important detail i skipped is that she used to work in the apartment complex office where I used to live (not at the time when I was married) and looked like a decent human being who did her art as a side business. She used to be very silent and withdrawn and polite. The only time I would see her was when paying rent, once a month. I have no idea what is going on, except that I am severely triggered. Misunderstanding? My gut is screaming no.
So, 10 days ago, I muted the conversation with her, and was generally off social media. The Facebook messenger does not show any notifications. I have to click on the icon and open the window. I also use Messenger exclusively when talking to my family. So on Sunday, I opened it, and I see this Friday's message. Same "Happy Friday" thing like the week before. So, I am like ". . . OK, it's been 48 hours . . . I can just send a quick note, say that I am off social media and that I am recharging my brainpower." (Which is true.) And she said, "OK, we catch up some other time." My reaction was, "Great, now this sounds promising! Maybe there is hope!" Then today, I get an Instagram notification that my name was mentioned on her Instagram B&W selfie challenge photo (a lucky star picked out of 1,500). Even if she were my friend remotely, she would know how I HATE the very idea of challenges). In fact, we talked about the same thing 2 weeks ago, in one of our last chats, how people generally hate being tagged. And less then 24 hours ago, I told her I was social media detoxing! Yes, I know, I do not have to respond to any social media challenges, but the idea that my name is tagged to her selfie. It is almost like "Heeey, look at meeee!!!!"
After this episode, I sent her a decent message stating that I would really appreciate if she could stop mentioning me in challenges (the settings were changed regardless, but because I felt there is more to this "tagging" crap, it was addressed directly.)
The important detail i skipped is that she used to work in the apartment complex office where I used to live (not at the time when I was married) and looked like a decent human being who did her art as a side business. She used to be very silent and withdrawn and polite. The only time I would see her was when paying rent, once a month. I have no idea what is going on, except that I am severely triggered. Misunderstanding? My gut is screaming no.
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Who knows, maybe she forgot, maybe she doesn’t completely get how challenges work (I don’t!), maybe just was trying to provoke a reaction...which she got. Or she wasn’t, and got one anyway.
I get why you are so vigilant about protecting your new life; are you an introvert by any chance? I am a MAJOR introvert and it’s easy for me to feel like I’m being invaded... I don’t even like having stuff delivered to my house!
Maybe it’s better to just let it go now? You stated your boundaries and now you can enforce them by not engaging, yes?
I get why you are so vigilant about protecting your new life; are you an introvert by any chance? I am a MAJOR introvert and it’s easy for me to feel like I’m being invaded... I don’t even like having stuff delivered to my house!
Maybe it’s better to just let it go now? You stated your boundaries and now you can enforce them by not engaging, yes?
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LOL, you made me laugh, because YES I am an introvert. Is it THAT obvious? I am just horrible.
In the mean time, she did apologize and removed the nametag, so I thanked her and we parted ways (for now
). All is quiet. I can go back inside my hamster ball. LOL
In the mean time, she did apologize and removed the nametag, so I thanked her and we parted ways (for now
). All is quiet. I can go back inside my hamster ball. LOL
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healthyagain-----OMG.....I went back and scanned some of your old threads----and, I was getting ready to ask you if you consider yourself a "very private" person ------an Introvert, by chance?
then I noticed that Ariesagain just asked the same question----14 minutes ago!
then I noticed that Ariesagain just asked the same question----14 minutes ago!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
healthyagain-----OMG.....I went back and scanned some of your old threads----and, I was getting ready to ask you if you consider yourself a "very private" person ------an Introvert, by chance?
then I noticed that Ariesagain just asked the same question----14 minutes ago!
then I noticed that Ariesagain just asked the same question----14 minutes ago!
dandylion, considering some things from the past, mainly my early childhood and later social struggles, I started suspecting that I might be somewhere on ASD, very mild, never diagnosed, and one of my missions when I moved was to examine that, find a professional who might shed some light on why I do things the way I do, but then COVID struck, and life stopped, and we all got stuck . . . But yes, I am that introverted and very set in my ways.
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healthyagain-----actually, that thought/question ran through my mind, as I read through some of my threads---but, I don't know you and I didn't feel the right to make too many assumptions.
If you have given it thought and are so motivated to gain more understanding of yourself, I always think that is a great idea. I think that can still be a super goal---for when we all get unstuck from the covid virus stuff.
If you have given it thought and are so motivated to gain more understanding of yourself, I always think that is a great idea. I think that can still be a super goal---for when we all get unstuck from the covid virus stuff.
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Here is a funny story: This morning, right after waking up to an alarm clock, I hear another DING. My mind starts racing, "This is impossible! It cannot be her! No, no not again! But, how????"
But, it was a message from my very old friend who just had a baby girl and sent a picture of them together. I was so happy to wake up like that. So, life goes on, regardless, and COVID-19 shall pass.
Thank you for the insights! Take care and stay safe!
But, it was a message from my very old friend who just had a baby girl and sent a picture of them together. I was so happy to wake up like that. So, life goes on, regardless, and COVID-19 shall pass.
Thank you for the insights! Take care and stay safe!
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Facebook held such promise: staying in touch with relatives, opening the world. It has in many cases devolved into political rants and 'copy if you agree' and notices of lost children whose alerts circulate years after the kid turns up a a buddy's house.
I have a relative who was tagged in a photo by a sorority sister who didn't have any common sense. The old buddy was clueless, apparently, that young professionals working their way up may not want pictures floating around documenting drunken parties in college. (smh) The un-tagging and removal of pictures was swift.
I have a relative who was tagged in a photo by a sorority sister who didn't have any common sense. The old buddy was clueless, apparently, that young professionals working their way up may not want pictures floating around documenting drunken parties in college. (smh) The un-tagging and removal of pictures was swift.
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Healthyagain
Just another tidbit.
Regardless of what happens with this relationship, good for you for listening to yourself, asking the questions and not plowing through with old behaviors because "Someone wants to have me in their life."
To me this is progress in boundary work.....it is less about the ultimate outcome and more about the learning which you are doing an admirable job in doing.
Just another tidbit.
Regardless of what happens with this relationship, good for you for listening to yourself, asking the questions and not plowing through with old behaviors because "Someone wants to have me in their life."
To me this is progress in boundary work.....it is less about the ultimate outcome and more about the learning which you are doing an admirable job in doing.
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In no way am I being ugly or rude, but if you care so little about her, why write in on this forum for advice? If her kindness is off-putting or needy, ask her to leave you alone. It seems like a little part of you likes being chased. People tend to respect the truth, so if you're straight-up with her, i bet she leaves you alone.
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