suncatcher

Hello all, it has been a while since I have posted so I thought I would give an update. I finally finished nursing school and take boards in September. I am happy I made it through but my thoughts have been on something else. Can you guess? My alcoholic boyfriend and the female neighbor who likes to party as much as he does! This neighbor has been hanging around for months (we don't live together) and it has caused all my codey emotions to unravel. Feelings of jealousy, fear of abandonment, you name it! She is there partying with him when Im working my 3 12s and pops in and out on the days that I am there. I know this is the same song and dance as my long ago posts. Different scenario. I am digging deep to conquer this codependency thing. I read another book cover to cover and realize the issue lies with me. I am the only one who can break this cycle. Learning about all the inner child stuff and how I was raised to always be nice to everyone and never hurt anyones feelings etc. I am learning ever so slowly to take my power back, stay in my lane and self care. Also gratitude. I have so much I am grateful for. My supportive family, my grandchildren, my friends. I am learning to step back and just look at things through a new lense but sometimes it is still hard! I am going through a transformation. Will my relationship with ABF change? Will it possibly have to end? I know I am changing and growing but what does that mean for the codependent relationship I have maintained all these years? More will be revealed. Thank you for listening as always. I welcome your thoughts and how you managed your transformations as you worked on healing yourself from within. ~Suncatcher 🌞

Bekindalways

Hey Suncatcher. Thanks for posting.

I wonder if like alcoholics, some of us are never cured; we have to work it our entire lives. I have stayed out of romantic relationships since leaving my qualifier and I do think this is the right thing for me but I wonder how far I have recovered from my codependency.

Good on you for keeping at the learning and growing.

dandylion

suncatcher-----I am going to go out on a limb, here and---just spitballing---and, say, that if you begin to make solid changes with your core issues---your relationship with the boyfriend will, by necessity, change. After all, a co-dependent relationship is like a carefully choreographed dance----like the Argentine tango. Even if we are not conscious of it. A co-dependent relationship goes both ways.
When one person changes their thinking---the feelings can change accordingly---and, ultimately, this is reflected in changes in behavior. The other person in the relationship will notice behavioral changes and react to that, in their own way. Bottom line---when one person in a co-dependent relationship changes---the relationship changes.

suncatcher

Bekindalways, I think you are so right. I know I will always have the codependency lurking. I am happiest when I am not focused on a relationship and my mind is not thinking all those codey thoughts. Dandy, I always love your honesty here. You hit the nail on the head when you said it is like a well choriographed dance. I know we have been doing that dance for over 10 years now. I know things will change. Right now I feel calm when I stay away and spend much needed time alone. I still feel a sense of obligation to go over to see him at times but that is becoming less and less. The neighbor has made those visits increasingly uncomfortable for me. Maybe she was the catalyst for change. It is a journey and I hope ABF will find his own journey in the recovery process too. But now that he has a party buddy I think I know where that will lead, sadly. Thank you both!

suncatcher

It feels strangely comfortable yet at the same time uncomfortable when the dynamics change. Where I used to react I now just observe. Where I used to feel like I had to rescue, control and fix I now turn those feelings toward myself. I still realize this is a slippery slope. For just when I think I have the codependency under control, it rears it's head again. It is very much like alcoholism in that way, as Bekindalways pointed out. I feel.like it has been my security blanket for so long (the codependency) and I am just now learning how to try to navigate without it.

dandylion

suncatcher-----that reminds me of a saying that I love----"Just when it seems that everything is settled---here comes Miss Co-dependency, wearing a smile and a Sunday Dress"

The following is a video that I think you might appreciate

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...rc&FORM=VDRVRV

suncatcher

Dandy, I loved the video! I will have that in my mind along with the saying when I am starting to slip! Thank you!

suncatcher

Currently re-reading Codependent No More! Much needed!