I’m in a bad situation...could use some advice
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
I think it's time to look out for yourself. He has been given so many chances and clearly cannot / will not give up drinking. I have an attorney friend who finally divorced her AH because she was terrified he was going to kill someone while driving drunk and wipe them out financially. If he loses his insurance that is his problem to figure out. As for no contact you can always mark his emails as spam, or maybe have a friend read them for you and just let you know if there is anything you need to know.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Well, you go no contact by blocking that email.
Sotired, it's really important to remember and accept that for all his behavior, he is NOT a little kid. He is not helpless. He can and must learn to fend for himself, but he won't as long as you are there to prop him up.
I understand it feels cruel to divorce him, but objectively, it is not. All that piece of paper is doing is keeping both of you from moving on. It's not your job to make sure he moves on in the right way. You deserve the same kind of attention and respect you think he deserves.
Sotired, it's really important to remember and accept that for all his behavior, he is NOT a little kid. He is not helpless. He can and must learn to fend for himself, but he won't as long as you are there to prop him up.
I understand it feels cruel to divorce him, but objectively, it is not. All that piece of paper is doing is keeping both of you from moving on. It's not your job to make sure he moves on in the right way. You deserve the same kind of attention and respect you think he deserves.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Hi,
You wrote "I’m struggling with whether to finish the divorce or to wait. How do I go no contact when he keeps emailing me? Your advice would be much appreciated."
I don't see a need to wait. You can always get remarried if the life circumstances are right. I did that...married the same man twice. It still didn't work out, but what I'm saying is - that's always an option.
You don't need to worry about email when you know his physical address. Remember that? From back in the old days? Snail mail will deliver any messages from you that he needs and vice versa.
Based on what you just shared - it looks like you're being invited to move on with your life.
You wrote "I’m struggling with whether to finish the divorce or to wait. How do I go no contact when he keeps emailing me? Your advice would be much appreciated."
I don't see a need to wait. You can always get remarried if the life circumstances are right. I did that...married the same man twice. It still didn't work out, but what I'm saying is - that's always an option.
You don't need to worry about email when you know his physical address. Remember that? From back in the old days? Snail mail will deliver any messages from you that he needs and vice versa.
Based on what you just shared - it looks like you're being invited to move on with your life.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
The holding pattern is keeping you both frozen--him from standing on his own feet without expecting you to help at some level, and you from moving on with your life and not being a prop for an adult man who doesn't want to be responsible for his own choices.
You can block his email and proceed with divorce from a place of love / compassion--when you are done, you are done--No guilt need apply.
It sounds like it would be best for all concerned--you have given every chance and than some.
You can block his email and proceed with divorce from a place of love / compassion--when you are done, you are done--No guilt need apply.
It sounds like it would be best for all concerned--you have given every chance and than some.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Thank you guys for everything. I started leaning more towards divorce after reading your posts. I spoke to my mother in law tonight. Since he’s living there now, she’s feeling everything I went through, living with an active alcoholic. The problem is that she started blaming me. She started saying how I should never have brought him over to their house and how I should have just worked out my problems with him and not gotten them involved. I understand her, but I told her she’s free to kick him out whenever she wants. He’s no longer my problem. She said she couldn’t kick him out. The whole conversation annoyed me and really pushed me even further towards divorce. I wanted to text her that she has done me a favor because she has pushed me to go ahead and go through with the divorce, but I feel like texting her this would be petty. I’m now closer to divorce than ever before. I’m almost there but I’m having a hard time pulling the trigger. Ugh! Why is it so hard?!?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I’m now closer to divorce than ever before. I’m almost there but I’m having a hard time pulling the trigger. Ugh! Why is it so hard?!?
It's hard because on some level you still care, and you meant those vows when you repeated them. Ordinary humans, normal humans, don't have feelings that turn on and off like a faucet. It's okay to love someone and not be married to him or her.
It's hard because on some level you still care, and you meant those vows when you repeated them. Ordinary humans, normal humans, don't have feelings that turn on and off like a faucet. It's okay to love someone and not be married to him or her.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sotired-----I have observed that most of the time, family will be loyal to family. In light of that, I am not surprised at your mother-in law's reactions. Try not to take it to heart, too deeply. In her mind, he is always her child and she doesn't have the "privilege" of divorcing him.
In reality, neither you nor she are responsible for him. As an adult person, he is responsible for himself.
Of course, she cannot fully understand your position, because she has not lived in your skin. You have, and your decisions should be based on your own experiences with him.
I think that certain things just have to be accepted as the natural fallouts of divorce---whether we like it or not. some things just are.
In reality, neither you nor she are responsible for him. As an adult person, he is responsible for himself.
Of course, she cannot fully understand your position, because she has not lived in your skin. You have, and your decisions should be based on your own experiences with him.
I think that certain things just have to be accepted as the natural fallouts of divorce---whether we like it or not. some things just are.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by sotired77 
She started saying how I should never have brought him over to their house and how I should have just worked out my problems with him and not gotten them involved. I understand her, but I told her she’s free to kick him out whenever she wants. He’s no longer my problem. She said she couldn’t kick him out... ...Why is it so hard?!?
In these situations you don't get what you deserve, you get what you accept. Doing nothing is a choice - it is passive acceptance. So what are you going to do? You are not responsible for his addiction or his choices. Having been to rehab, he cannot say he doesn't understand the problem. He is simply unwilling to do what is required to resolve it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Hi there.
Ive been MIA for a while busy with my new little one, but I wanted to respond.
I left my XAH two years ago now. A lot of what you said about the worry and the leaving him at his worst and all that stuck a chord with me because that is exactly how I felt (you can find my old posts if you want my story).
But now being two years out of that relationship, I wanted to mention two things. One, I do still feel guilty/cruel sometimes for leaving someone whose life has gone to crap. But, I feel that guilt in small bursts, knowing I couldn’t save him (if I could he never would have been such a mess when I left him, since my support would have been enough, right?). And I feel it while in my own bed without the chaos and misery he made me feel and the stress and tainted home life it was creating for our young kid. My life is so, so much better now. You don’t have to wait until you have resolved all your conflicted feelings to
act. You can feel them and acknowledge them and still make a move to better your life, and then deal with those feelings from a safe distance for you and your kids instead of while marinating in a toxic marriage.
Second, I also thought I was leaving my ex at his lowest (rehab, just out of the hospital, lost a job). I saw him through the hospital and got him into rehab and never let him back under the same roof as me. And since then, he has been awful to me, or been ok, been sober sometimes, gotten a DUI, done horrible stuff, lost several jobs, etc. And let me tell you, while I thought I was leaving at his worst, I did not. He has shown me worse and worse, totally outside my fault or control. He was going to
get worse one way or another, the only question was whether he was going to drag me and our kid down with him.
I chose not to let him and the guilt still is there at times but then I look at my kids and the happy, stable home I give them because I am free of him and it’s a feeling 100 times Stronger and better than the guilt.
Ive been MIA for a while busy with my new little one, but I wanted to respond.
I left my XAH two years ago now. A lot of what you said about the worry and the leaving him at his worst and all that stuck a chord with me because that is exactly how I felt (you can find my old posts if you want my story).
But now being two years out of that relationship, I wanted to mention two things. One, I do still feel guilty/cruel sometimes for leaving someone whose life has gone to crap. But, I feel that guilt in small bursts, knowing I couldn’t save him (if I could he never would have been such a mess when I left him, since my support would have been enough, right?). And I feel it while in my own bed without the chaos and misery he made me feel and the stress and tainted home life it was creating for our young kid. My life is so, so much better now. You don’t have to wait until you have resolved all your conflicted feelings to
act. You can feel them and acknowledge them and still make a move to better your life, and then deal with those feelings from a safe distance for you and your kids instead of while marinating in a toxic marriage.
Second, I also thought I was leaving my ex at his lowest (rehab, just out of the hospital, lost a job). I saw him through the hospital and got him into rehab and never let him back under the same roof as me. And since then, he has been awful to me, or been ok, been sober sometimes, gotten a DUI, done horrible stuff, lost several jobs, etc. And let me tell you, while I thought I was leaving at his worst, I did not. He has shown me worse and worse, totally outside my fault or control. He was going to
get worse one way or another, the only question was whether he was going to drag me and our kid down with him.
I chose not to let him and the guilt still is there at times but then I look at my kids and the happy, stable home I give them because I am free of him and it’s a feeling 100 times Stronger and better than the guilt.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Just sending you some cyber support, SoTired. You must feel like you are trudging through a huge mud pit!
The information and advice you’re receiving here is AMAZING. I have no words of wisdom—just wanted to add my voice of support and hope for a quick, peaceful resolution for you.
The information and advice you’re receiving here is AMAZING. I have no words of wisdom—just wanted to add my voice of support and hope for a quick, peaceful resolution for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Thank you Zevin and to the rest of you for being so caring. You’re right, the advice I’ve received is AMAZING. I still haven’t let my AH back in my life. It was super stressful for a while. He seemed to be in a downward spiral and tried to help him a little. I told him to get help and in desperation I told him that I wouldn’t file for divorce if he got help. I wasn’t really expecting him to get help and I was fully prepared to complete the divorce. In fact, I was driving to the lawyers office when he told me he had gone in for help (he went to the hospital). Unfortunately they didn’t really help him at the hospital (even though he went to the hospital two days in a row). Finally after the second time they discharged him from the ER, he went home and just threw everything away. He’s been sober for 3 days now. It’s not much but it’s something. Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time. I’m trying to keep the focus on myself and on my kids, but it’s still very hard not to worry. I plan to take the paperwork to the lawyer the next time he relapses (which sadly seems inevitable).
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sotired-----is he just "white knuckling it". Alcohol withdrawl is incredibly uncomfortable and dangerous. One option is to go to a private doctor's office and let the doctor examine him and give him medication that can make him comfortable and ,more safe through the detox period. He can be in touch with the doctor daily by phone or go to the office very frequently for the doctor to monitor his progress. In the meantime, he can go to daily AA meetings---either in person or on line. He needs this kind of support, right now. He can do online meetings if there are no in person meetings, due to Covid. He can call the local AA organization (google for the number) an talk to an AA member about all of this. (they will be very receptive and helpful!). The AA person maybe able to recommend a doctor that other AA members in the area have used. He can, at least, ask.
The detox period, without medical assistance is so uncomfortable that most will reach for the drink just to relieve the discomfort.
What do you mean that "he just threw everything away"?? What did he throw away----was it medication? was it paperwork??
Does he happen to have medical insurance---for alcohol rehab inpatient facility?
The detox period, without medical assistance is so uncomfortable that most will reach for the drink just to relieve the discomfort.
What do you mean that "he just threw everything away"?? What did he throw away----was it medication? was it paperwork??
Does he happen to have medical insurance---for alcohol rehab inpatient facility?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sotired----I went back and reviewed your posts again---and, I apologize---I had forgotten that he has been to rehab, in the past. too ba that he has not ever gone to a structured living situation---like a sober living house. The one that I owned, at one time---the average stay was between 6 and 18 months. I must say that the men there did very well for the most part and benefitted from that kind of supportive and structured environment. They were required to have some kind of job and they did get to go home on week end passes.
It looks, to me, like you are being held "hostage" by his threats of suicide. I suggest that every time he makes such a threat---that you call 911. Every time. They are legally required to respond every time you call them. ***I hightly suggest that you be present when the responders arrive---this ensures that he cannot lie to them and pull the wool. You give them information---and, also call his doctor and give the information to the doctor. Nothing prohibits YOU from giving information to the doctor. He must have a doctor who prescribed the anti-depressants for him? His internist or a psychiatrist?
If he is truly that depressed and having suicidal ideations---the police can transport him to the psychiatrric unit of the closest hospital on a 72 hour hold---where he would be examined by 2 independent psychiatrists. If they find him to still be a suicide risk---he can be held (even against his will) for further treatment. It is likely, during this time, that, he could be convinced to attend rehab again and then do long term sober house living. Of course, he should---would---be followed by the psychiatrist for his dual-diagnosis. Alcoholism and depression (possibly).
so tired---I feel for you as I know how terribly difficult this is for you. It looks to me like he is quite manipulative (most alcoholics are) and he has the tail wagging the dog.
For you----I think you will need to be Firm and decisive. He can sense any hesitation and weakness in you and his family and will exploit it to the max.
I hope that you don't interpret my words to mean that you a re responsible for him. I am only trying to give you suggestions to help you to manage the situation that you describe that you are in.
It looks, to me, like you are being held "hostage" by his threats of suicide. I suggest that every time he makes such a threat---that you call 911. Every time. They are legally required to respond every time you call them. ***I hightly suggest that you be present when the responders arrive---this ensures that he cannot lie to them and pull the wool. You give them information---and, also call his doctor and give the information to the doctor. Nothing prohibits YOU from giving information to the doctor. He must have a doctor who prescribed the anti-depressants for him? His internist or a psychiatrist?
If he is truly that depressed and having suicidal ideations---the police can transport him to the psychiatrric unit of the closest hospital on a 72 hour hold---where he would be examined by 2 independent psychiatrists. If they find him to still be a suicide risk---he can be held (even against his will) for further treatment. It is likely, during this time, that, he could be convinced to attend rehab again and then do long term sober house living. Of course, he should---would---be followed by the psychiatrist for his dual-diagnosis. Alcoholism and depression (possibly).
so tired---I feel for you as I know how terribly difficult this is for you. It looks to me like he is quite manipulative (most alcoholics are) and he has the tail wagging the dog.
For you----I think you will need to be Firm and decisive. He can sense any hesitation and weakness in you and his family and will exploit it to the max.
I hope that you don't interpret my words to mean that you a re responsible for him. I am only trying to give you suggestions to help you to manage the situation that you describe that you are in.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Thank you Dandy. You always give really good advice. I agree with doing the sober living situation after being discharged from rehab but he insists that he wants to be home and is refusing this option. Honestly, at this point he doesn't even want to try rehab. He says he tried it and it didn't work. He is currently living with his parents (who live 2 hours away), so I'm not too involved with him. The sad thing is that the thought of him still weighs on me. It's on my mind constantly and I worry a lot. I know he's still drinking (he threw all of the alcohol away, but yesterday he bought more). It's hard not to worry. I stay active in my kid's lives, keep busy, etc but that dark cloud is always there. I'm hoping it gets easier with time. Doing a lot of reading on SR helped me get some sleep eventually last night. Thank you, Zevin, for reminding me that I will get through this.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes you will.
You know finding what makes you feel better is important. If reading on SR is one of those things, keep reading! Maybe some books on separating yourself, books on finding your happiness, watching movies that you love, whatever moves you forward with a bit of contentment and peace.
You won't always feel this way, it does need time but even a little of doing what helps you along will make it much easier. The good thing is there is so much to read at SR!
You know finding what makes you feel better is important. If reading on SR is one of those things, keep reading! Maybe some books on separating yourself, books on finding your happiness, watching movies that you love, whatever moves you forward with a bit of contentment and peace.
You won't always feel this way, it does need time but even a little of doing what helps you along will make it much easier. The good thing is there is so much to read at SR!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Just a quick update. So my AH went to rehab last week and has been there a week. It was a huge relief and a weight off my shoulders. Today it's been a week that he's been there and they took him off restrictions, so he can make phone calls. He called me, asking me about my plans (wanting to know if we still had a chance, very anxious about everything, etc). I told him my position: I don't want him back until he has a decent amount of sober time. Whether this means sober living is up to him, but I did encourage sober living for at least 6 months. This seemed to send him over the edge. He started getting very anxious, talking about how he needs to figure things out, how he's confused and that he doesn't want to be at the rehab anymore and that he has nothing to look forward to. This triggered me and upset me. It made me think that he's not ready for recovery and is still stuck in the selfish alcoholic mind-set. I got off the phone as quickly as I could which seemed to upset him even more. Ugh! Am I being too harsh?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sotired--No. Not too harsh, at all. I think that it was a good move to get off of the phone as quickly as possible and that you told him, honestly how you felt.
You are going to have to be very firm in your own boundaries---and, that probably does feel harsh to you, right now. But it isn't. Maintaining your boundaries can be very hard, at first.
For the alcoholic, they have to learn to live llife on life's terms---just li ke the rest of us do. This comes as a difficult challenge for most newly recovering alcoholics----and, one that they usually fight very hard. The attitude of "I want what I want when I want it!"
Your well being is just as important as is his.
You are going to have to be very firm in your own boundaries---and, that probably does feel harsh to you, right now. But it isn't. Maintaining your boundaries can be very hard, at first.
For the alcoholic, they have to learn to live llife on life's terms---just li ke the rest of us do. This comes as a difficult challenge for most newly recovering alcoholics----and, one that they usually fight very hard. The attitude of "I want what I want when I want it!"
Your well being is just as important as is his.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Absolutely not too harsh. As Dandylion said, your wellbeing is just as important as his. I really encourage you to re-read your first post in this thread.
If he doesn't buy in to recovery, if he doesn't take this very seriously and you let him just come back home and deny your boundary, you will probably be right back where you were, in short order, because nothing will have changed.
Also this thread of yours is worth re-reading perhaps, in particular the reply from Sleepyhollo:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-go-here.html (Not sure where to go from here)
It's hard for you, no doubt about it. Who wants to see someone suffer like that? You have this person you care about saying, help me, let me come home and you could, in theory at least, remove that suffering. But that's incredibly temporary (for you and for him). Maybe try to think of it as doing something for him, not to him. Perhaps this time he will get in to recovery and be so much happier.
If he doesn't buy in to recovery, if he doesn't take this very seriously and you let him just come back home and deny your boundary, you will probably be right back where you were, in short order, because nothing will have changed.
Also this thread of yours is worth re-reading perhaps, in particular the reply from Sleepyhollo:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-go-here.html (Not sure where to go from here)
It's hard for you, no doubt about it. Who wants to see someone suffer like that? You have this person you care about saying, help me, let me come home and you could, in theory at least, remove that suffering. But that's incredibly temporary (for you and for him). Maybe try to think of it as doing something for him, not to him. Perhaps this time he will get in to recovery and be so much happier.
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