Trying to co parent? So exhausting
 

Ok so tiny update. I had moments of weakness a few weeks ago with him and felt so sorry for myself and engaged in convo and dinners. And of course nothing’s different and I’m away now. Thank goodness. They can suck you back in so easily. And make you feel so sorry for them. Anyways now the next thing is we have a custody agreement in place. Me and the kids are taking a vacation so he will not see them on his days that week. All in paperwork. He’s known about it for months now. But he is demanding that the week prior I let him take all my days with the kids. I’ve told him no and he is relentless. He keeps sending me messages saying I’m being selfish. That I only care about myself. You know typical I have ruined everything kind of stuff. Which paperwork says I don’t have to give him my days and he’s allowed to take a vacation with them. But he can’t because he’s missed to many days at work. And he wouldn’t be able to drive them anywhere. But I’ve been trying to read and learn about this disease and about narcissism. And everything I’ve read says stick to the schedule. And I told him that’s what we were going to do. And it’s sent him into overdrive with bombarding me with a million texts. Is this the right way to go? I’m not responding to messages.

Yeah, you do not need to respond. The agreement is clear, you are following it. The rest is all manipulation. I know being bombarded with texts is annoying but more than he wants the kids, he wants a reaction from you, and attention. Do not give it to him.

Kc----I think that you are doing the right thing. He is trying to wear you down by the bonbarding. When a toddler keeps asking after being told "no"----does the parent give in? If so, then, the toddler gets the message that this kind of behavior works.

If it were me, my only reply to him would be to send him another copy of the agreement with the appropriate section highlighted. It's his problem that he has missed work (presumably due to his drinking) to the extent that he can't take time off to vaca with his own children.

Hi kc, I'm sorry, I know that is stressful for you.

I hope you have turned off the audio notifications for his texts! The last thing you need is hearing that little beep of whatever, each time he decides to have a go at you.

And if you really look at it, from an outside perspective, that's just what he's doing.

Reality:
His children are getting to take a summer vacation with their Mom (good stuff!)

His perception:
Although he agreed to this, knowing full well that at some point you would take the kids on a vacation, when this great thing is here, is he saying, this will be a great thing for kc and the kids? No, he is saying what about ME.

So yes, I say hold your ground as well. You have an agreement for a reason, so you don't have to deal with things like this. When the kids are in your care I would absolutely put his texts on silent (phone too) so you don't even have to think about him if you don't choose to. His feelings/problem with your children's vacation is not your problem.

One boundary that I set was that I would not communicate via text. Being bombarded with texts is extremely invasive, and you have a right to have peace in your life.

I shifted communication to email only, and I created a separate email address to use with just him. It was an absolute sanity saver for me. My anxiety had been skyrocketing with texting. With the email, I called the shots on when I would communicate.

And now, even better than email, communication is through Our Family Wizard.

Also, absolutely YES to sticking to the schedule. You know the phrase about "if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile?" It applies here. The schedule is there for a reason. It should only be deviated from in extreme circumstances.