New member - Trust
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 24
New member - Trust
Happy 4th of July to all 
This is my first post and I am so happy to have found this group.
So, my question to the group is - how do I manage my insecurities with trusting my newly in recovery loved one??
I am trying my best to "stay in my lane" and support without enabling him. However, I feel I am constantly worried about what will happen next or what is real. What can I trust is really honest....
Ever since he made the choice to seek help, I have been less angry about what I've been through - watching him self destruct, realizing the lies about drinking etc. I know these behaviors were the disease in action, but it's still hard to just be positive in the now. The "what ifs" and "how is he really feeling today" moments are consuming to me.
My fiance is on his 4th day home from a 7-day detox program at a Recovery Center. I think it's going well so far, although it's my first time supporting a loved one in recovery. I won't go into the details of how he ended up there, but I will say that it was completely his own choice after reaching crisis status and admitting to having hit rock bottom/having a wake up call/wanting to save his life and make it better. He sought out the program on his own and asked to be dropped off at the facility.
He is now part of an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). He meets with a recovery group 3 times per week, for 3 hours a night - virtually at this time due to Covid-19 of course. He has a recovery therapist who runs those group sessions and he also meets individually once per week. He has committed to also attend an AA meeting (virtually as of now) on the days he does not have the IOP meetings. It's only been 4 days, but he has done the work so far each day. He has also been reading his Big Book for AA each day.
Sorry if this seems to be a vague or general post - just trying not to ramble! I am happy to answer any questions or share more details about my journey/struggles thus far, I just didn't want to type all of the details out in my first post!!!
I also appreciate ANY insight or advice for a hopeful newbie.
This is my first post and I am so happy to have found this group.
So, my question to the group is - how do I manage my insecurities with trusting my newly in recovery loved one??
I am trying my best to "stay in my lane" and support without enabling him. However, I feel I am constantly worried about what will happen next or what is real. What can I trust is really honest....
Ever since he made the choice to seek help, I have been less angry about what I've been through - watching him self destruct, realizing the lies about drinking etc. I know these behaviors were the disease in action, but it's still hard to just be positive in the now. The "what ifs" and "how is he really feeling today" moments are consuming to me.
My fiance is on his 4th day home from a 7-day detox program at a Recovery Center. I think it's going well so far, although it's my first time supporting a loved one in recovery. I won't go into the details of how he ended up there, but I will say that it was completely his own choice after reaching crisis status and admitting to having hit rock bottom/having a wake up call/wanting to save his life and make it better. He sought out the program on his own and asked to be dropped off at the facility.
He is now part of an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). He meets with a recovery group 3 times per week, for 3 hours a night - virtually at this time due to Covid-19 of course. He has a recovery therapist who runs those group sessions and he also meets individually once per week. He has committed to also attend an AA meeting (virtually as of now) on the days he does not have the IOP meetings. It's only been 4 days, but he has done the work so far each day. He has also been reading his Big Book for AA each day.
Sorry if this seems to be a vague or general post - just trying not to ramble! I am happy to answer any questions or share more details about my journey/struggles thus far, I just didn't want to type all of the details out in my first post!!!
I also appreciate ANY insight or advice for a hopeful newbie.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hello, friend. I am glad you found us.
It is very early days yet. The best thing you can do right now is focus on your own recovery and well-being, and let him focus on his. There should be no push—from either of you—to fix your trust issues right away or right now. You both have a great deal to process and accept.
It is very early days yet. The best thing you can do right now is focus on your own recovery and well-being, and let him focus on his. There should be no push—from either of you—to fix your trust issues right away or right now. You both have a great deal to process and accept.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi Strength, glad you found us too!
Yes, it is very early in all of this right now and you are probably feeling overwhelmed.
I think the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to look after yourself. The questions you want answers to are something only time will give you. Trust, as you know, takes time to build, months? Years? Only you will know when you are at that point, if ever and this can be built up by him showing you that he is trustworthy with his actions (not words).
I would really recommend that perhaps you also check out Al Anon if you haven't already, they also have online meetings. Also, there is a wealth of information in the stickies at the top of this forum, this is a good place to start:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
It's important to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and recovery, not for him, but for yourself, so you know what you are up against and what to expect.
Share whatever parts of your story you are happy to share.
Yes, it is very early in all of this right now and you are probably feeling overwhelmed.
I think the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to look after yourself. The questions you want answers to are something only time will give you. Trust, as you know, takes time to build, months? Years? Only you will know when you are at that point, if ever and this can be built up by him showing you that he is trustworthy with his actions (not words).
I would really recommend that perhaps you also check out Al Anon if you haven't already, they also have online meetings. Also, there is a wealth of information in the stickies at the top of this forum, this is a good place to start:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
It's important to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and recovery, not for him, but for yourself, so you know what you are up against and what to expect.
Share whatever parts of your story you are happy to share.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"The "what ifs" and "how is he really feeling today" moments are consuming to me."
This is not a healthy place for you to be and why we have alanon. You have both been
through a great deal of anguish and turmoil and the road to real change and recovery
takes time (months and years) because in true recovery you are really changing
your lifestyle, thoughts, beliefs, and actions. It's not easy and requires the support
of those who understand. But his recovery is for him, and your recovery is where
your thoughts should be consumed by.
The trust will come slowly by you both working your own recoveries, the way you
speak to each other, the respect you show and hold for each other, and a gradual
process of healing in the relationship that is evident through actions and words.
So glad you have found this site, it is truly a blessing for us who want to learn and
grow to find peace and gratitude. There is a great deal to learn which will only
help you tremendously!
This is not a healthy place for you to be and why we have alanon. You have both been
through a great deal of anguish and turmoil and the road to real change and recovery
takes time (months and years) because in true recovery you are really changing
your lifestyle, thoughts, beliefs, and actions. It's not easy and requires the support
of those who understand. But his recovery is for him, and your recovery is where
your thoughts should be consumed by.
The trust will come slowly by you both working your own recoveries, the way you
speak to each other, the respect you show and hold for each other, and a gradual
process of healing in the relationship that is evident through actions and words.
So glad you have found this site, it is truly a blessing for us who want to learn and
grow to find peace and gratitude. There is a great deal to learn which will only
help you tremendously!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Good advice above. I would only add do not move forward with setting a date or starting a family any time soon. This person is on the baby steps of recovery and I think at least a year of real recovery would be a minimal bar I would have before attaching myself legally.
Meanwhile, you have healing and work to do also to form your half of a healthy partnership. I wish you both every success!
Meanwhile, you have healing and work to do also to form your half of a healthy partnership. I wish you both every success!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 24
Thank you all for the insight and thoughts. It's truly comforting and helpful to have a place to share, be heard, and learn.
My RF? RAF? AF? (recovering fiance? recovering alcoholic fiance? alcoholic fiance? not sure which acronym to use!) and I are in no rush, even before this current situation, to actually get married. We have been together for about 3 years and have both been married before.
We have both been through our own unhealthy marriage and challenging divorce. Our current relationship was built on what I believe is a solid foundation of honesty, respect, and hope for the next thing in our lives. We had both found in each other what our previous partners were not able to give, and that was so refreshing. I have been the happiest (at 40!) that I've ever been.
Now here we are. And I fully intend to seek out Al Anon. This group was my starting point!
I've been seeing a therapist for at least 8 years, which started during my struggle in my previous marriage. Full disclosure, I had sought out SR years ago because of my XAH. My ex husband was addicted to opioids, Benzos, and alcohol. We met when we were 17 and married at 25 - stayed married for 12 years and the last 8 of them were horrible. He never made it out of denial. I stayed in the marriage and was an enabler and paralyzed in my own ability to accept, detach, set boundaries, or to let go for MANY years.
It took a LOT of time and work, but I eventually did let go and leave the marriage. I worked hard on myself and emerged a MUCH stronger and happier person. About a year after our divorce, my ex passed away. Pancreatitis caused his death, after years and years of substance abuse without any change. It was devastating to friends and family, and me, but I was thankful that I had already grieved him - through our divorce. I was thankful that I was already moved on from that life. I was sad, but in the end, I was already living a new life.
My current fiance and I did not deal with any alcohol related issues in the first 2 years of our relationship. This has been a progression in the last year. He has struggled with anxiety and depression at times, and I now know that it is obviously all related for him. Enter COVID and a disruption his job, the problems rapidly grew.
For myself, it was actually natural to admit that his self-destruction was affecting me, and as much as I love him, I also love myself and can't go down that road again. I immediately started to detach and set boundaries. I explained that I love him when he's happy, sick, struggling, not matter what, but I can't be with him if there is no action toward seeking help, change, or support. Through my past experience, I was able to do this without wavering, and I surprised myself!
After some alarming liver test results for my fiance and then a trip to the emergency room where the doctor sternly suggested detox and/or rehab, my fiance soon made that choice on his own - I had already separated from him due to the broken boundaries.
Again, based on my past, I had expected the worst and did not anticipate that he would actually want and take action toward real help and change. I can't help but be SO proud of his courage after living through my marriage to an addict who fought in denial for a decade.
Working on myself through this type of recovery is new territory. So here I am on this group as my first step.
My past work was in trying to survive and let go of a toxic situation. I was successful in that work so I have hope that I will be able to do the same if this situation. I know it won't be easy.
My RF? RAF? AF? (recovering fiance? recovering alcoholic fiance? alcoholic fiance? not sure which acronym to use!) and I are in no rush, even before this current situation, to actually get married. We have been together for about 3 years and have both been married before.
We have both been through our own unhealthy marriage and challenging divorce. Our current relationship was built on what I believe is a solid foundation of honesty, respect, and hope for the next thing in our lives. We had both found in each other what our previous partners were not able to give, and that was so refreshing. I have been the happiest (at 40!) that I've ever been.
Now here we are. And I fully intend to seek out Al Anon. This group was my starting point!
I've been seeing a therapist for at least 8 years, which started during my struggle in my previous marriage. Full disclosure, I had sought out SR years ago because of my XAH. My ex husband was addicted to opioids, Benzos, and alcohol. We met when we were 17 and married at 25 - stayed married for 12 years and the last 8 of them were horrible. He never made it out of denial. I stayed in the marriage and was an enabler and paralyzed in my own ability to accept, detach, set boundaries, or to let go for MANY years.
It took a LOT of time and work, but I eventually did let go and leave the marriage. I worked hard on myself and emerged a MUCH stronger and happier person. About a year after our divorce, my ex passed away. Pancreatitis caused his death, after years and years of substance abuse without any change. It was devastating to friends and family, and me, but I was thankful that I had already grieved him - through our divorce. I was thankful that I was already moved on from that life. I was sad, but in the end, I was already living a new life.
My current fiance and I did not deal with any alcohol related issues in the first 2 years of our relationship. This has been a progression in the last year. He has struggled with anxiety and depression at times, and I now know that it is obviously all related for him. Enter COVID and a disruption his job, the problems rapidly grew.
For myself, it was actually natural to admit that his self-destruction was affecting me, and as much as I love him, I also love myself and can't go down that road again. I immediately started to detach and set boundaries. I explained that I love him when he's happy, sick, struggling, not matter what, but I can't be with him if there is no action toward seeking help, change, or support. Through my past experience, I was able to do this without wavering, and I surprised myself!
After some alarming liver test results for my fiance and then a trip to the emergency room where the doctor sternly suggested detox and/or rehab, my fiance soon made that choice on his own - I had already separated from him due to the broken boundaries.
Again, based on my past, I had expected the worst and did not anticipate that he would actually want and take action toward real help and change. I can't help but be SO proud of his courage after living through my marriage to an addict who fought in denial for a decade.
Working on myself through this type of recovery is new territory. So here I am on this group as my first step.
My past work was in trying to survive and let go of a toxic situation. I was successful in that work so I have hope that I will be able to do the same if this situation. I know it won't be easy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Hi Strength, glad you found us too!
I would really recommend that perhaps you also check out Al Anon if you haven't already, they also have online meetings. Also, there is a wealth of information in the stickies at the top of this forum, this is a good place to start:
It's important to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and recovery, not for him, but for yourself, so you know what you are up against and what to expect.
.
I would really recommend that perhaps you also check out Al Anon if you haven't already, they also have online meetings. Also, there is a wealth of information in the stickies at the top of this forum, this is a good place to start:
It's important to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and recovery, not for him, but for yourself, so you know what you are up against and what to expect.
.
Stronger every day!
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 191
Welcome, Strength!
So good that you found us. I was a regular here many years ago and just recently found my way back home, so I'm kind of a re-newbie. What you wrote really resonated with me, because what brought me here initially was a cocaine-addicted XBF and all the insanity that you can think of. What I found here was so much love, support, non-judgmental acceptance and a gentle nudge toward working my OWN program in the Anon world regardless of what he chose to do. We separated for good quite a few years ago and I made the mistake of thinking I really didn't need a program anymore since there was no addict to disturb my peace. Umm....NO.
Silly me now finds herself emotionally attached to a suspected alcoholic who also struggles with anxiety and depression. I believe him to be still in denial about the severity of his addiction, made evident by some events this weekend that sent a shock of deja-vu through my system and I heard a very loud voice in my head saying "oh no you don't, we're not doing THIS again. Go back to SR and the forums!" Fortunately, I retained a lot of what I learned here and, like you, have started to set boundaries, but am struggling a little to keep them. I know I need to be here for ME, regardless of what he chooses to do, and a strong part of me that was born here years ago is already trying to detach and focus on my needs. We aren't as serious as I was with my last ex so I am hoping it will be easier this time, but I'm fully aware that my codependency has very deep roots and did not, as I had hoped, "go away" simply because my addict did. The pull I had almost immediately toward this new guy despite the red flags should have been a warning but nothing is ever that easy for me. Haha.
I spent a couple hours today reading every single thread in this forum, and thinking about how fortunate I am to have a program I can return to that might prevent all the insanity and heartache of last time because I am starting way earlier in the process, before getting too involved with someone who, in a state of active addiction, will not be a healthy choice for me regardless of how much I like him. I also have the added "bonus," if you will....I think of it this time as motivation, of knowing from last time that being around a person who triggers my codie stuff also triggers my binge drinking, so I am extra focused on making sure that does not happen. I'm not going down with the ship this time.
One day at a time, one step at a time...relevant no matter which side of the coin you're on! Keep coming back.
So good that you found us. I was a regular here many years ago and just recently found my way back home, so I'm kind of a re-newbie. What you wrote really resonated with me, because what brought me here initially was a cocaine-addicted XBF and all the insanity that you can think of. What I found here was so much love, support, non-judgmental acceptance and a gentle nudge toward working my OWN program in the Anon world regardless of what he chose to do. We separated for good quite a few years ago and I made the mistake of thinking I really didn't need a program anymore since there was no addict to disturb my peace. Umm....NO.
Silly me now finds herself emotionally attached to a suspected alcoholic who also struggles with anxiety and depression. I believe him to be still in denial about the severity of his addiction, made evident by some events this weekend that sent a shock of deja-vu through my system and I heard a very loud voice in my head saying "oh no you don't, we're not doing THIS again. Go back to SR and the forums!" Fortunately, I retained a lot of what I learned here and, like you, have started to set boundaries, but am struggling a little to keep them. I know I need to be here for ME, regardless of what he chooses to do, and a strong part of me that was born here years ago is already trying to detach and focus on my needs. We aren't as serious as I was with my last ex so I am hoping it will be easier this time, but I'm fully aware that my codependency has very deep roots and did not, as I had hoped, "go away" simply because my addict did. The pull I had almost immediately toward this new guy despite the red flags should have been a warning but nothing is ever that easy for me. Haha.
I spent a couple hours today reading every single thread in this forum, and thinking about how fortunate I am to have a program I can return to that might prevent all the insanity and heartache of last time because I am starting way earlier in the process, before getting too involved with someone who, in a state of active addiction, will not be a healthy choice for me regardless of how much I like him. I also have the added "bonus," if you will....I think of it this time as motivation, of knowing from last time that being around a person who triggers my codie stuff also triggers my binge drinking, so I am extra focused on making sure that does not happen. I'm not going down with the ship this time.
One day at a time, one step at a time...relevant no matter which side of the coin you're on! Keep coming back.
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