Begging begging and more begging
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Begging begging and more begging
The tables keep turning. I did the hardest thing I have ever done tonight. Beside moving out of my house. Well back up a Couple of days he has been sending blame game messages. And messages of how everything is my fault. Blah blah blah. I completely quit responding. And when I did. He stepped up his game. And keep calling and sending messages over and over. He needed to talk to me. He missed me. He wants me to come over. He has called all day long and I ignored it all day until about 10 pm. And I caved. And omg he laid it on thick. He begged me to come to his house. Begged and begged. And begged and begged lol. He said please. He said he was sorry. He said he promised he would change. He told me anything he could think of. And I told him no!!!! It took everything in my body to say no! But I did. It felt good. But I also feel like crap at the same time. I have wanted for so long for him to want me. I have wanted for so long to love me and tell me he appreciates me and that he couldn’t live without me. And he finally does and I tell him no!!! Of course he’s upset with me. He says that me saying no is the last straw he will not bother me anymore. He’s gonna move on. I don’t want any of that. I want him to get some help. And I want him to quit drinking. And try and fix this. It’s still the same crap. He still acts crazy. But I’m scared to think what if that really is it. I know that sounds crazy. I just keep hoping things will change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's perfectly understandable that you keep hoping things will change. But I hope you can also accept that he is as far from changing as it possible for a person to be, and there is nothing you can do to alter that. His version of "moving on" will be to stay exactly the same. Yours can be something magnificent--not for him, but for you.
I am so very proud of you for not giving in to his manipulation tonight, I know how difficult that is. I hope your plans include a good amount of self-care in the days, weeks and months ahead.
I am so very proud of you for not giving in to his manipulation tonight, I know how difficult that is. I hope your plans include a good amount of self-care in the days, weeks and months ahead.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kc-------I commend you for standing your ground under extreme pressure. I know that you have endured a lot and have very good reason to hold your ground.
It is amazing that he can heap blame on you (for what he has done), and beg you to return in the next breath----as if you are so stupid as to not see that he has not changed one iota.
It is like the toddler that continues to beg and beg, in the hopes that the mother will, finally, give in----due to sheer exhaustion.
Words can be very cheap. He has given you nothing to indicate that he will change. Actions are what reveal what a person is and what their true intentions are.
The reason that he wants you to return is because he wants a return to the status quo. He doesn't want HIS world to change. The old ways of the past have satisfied him, but, to the detriment of you and your children. If that were not so, I don't think that you would even be here, on this forum, in the first place.
You have been there and stayed there for a long time. And, you have held onto hope for a long time----and, yet neither have brought about any change in him. Your going back would only signal, to him, that all he has to do is to wear you down. That---you are not strong enough to have your own boundaries.
I think that it is virtually certain, that if you were to cave and return, that it would be a short time before you find yourself reliving the past, again.
It is so very hard for an alcoholic to change----even for those who really, really want to!! Much less, doing it without help. I don't think that he wants to change----he wants you to.
I know how hard this is, but, I hope that you will continue to put your own welfare and that of your children as your priority. You will have to, because he is not going to----he is not capable, because alcoholism and his make--are making it impossible for him to do so.
It is amazing that he can heap blame on you (for what he has done), and beg you to return in the next breath----as if you are so stupid as to not see that he has not changed one iota.
It is like the toddler that continues to beg and beg, in the hopes that the mother will, finally, give in----due to sheer exhaustion.
Words can be very cheap. He has given you nothing to indicate that he will change. Actions are what reveal what a person is and what their true intentions are.
The reason that he wants you to return is because he wants a return to the status quo. He doesn't want HIS world to change. The old ways of the past have satisfied him, but, to the detriment of you and your children. If that were not so, I don't think that you would even be here, on this forum, in the first place.
You have been there and stayed there for a long time. And, you have held onto hope for a long time----and, yet neither have brought about any change in him. Your going back would only signal, to him, that all he has to do is to wear you down. That---you are not strong enough to have your own boundaries.
I think that it is virtually certain, that if you were to cave and return, that it would be a short time before you find yourself reliving the past, again.
It is so very hard for an alcoholic to change----even for those who really, really want to!! Much less, doing it without help. I don't think that he wants to change----he wants you to.
I know how hard this is, but, I hope that you will continue to put your own welfare and that of your children as your priority. You will have to, because he is not going to----he is not capable, because alcoholism and his make--are making it impossible for him to do so.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Dealing with an active addict is dealing with an insane person.
They will do and say anything to get the drink. This includes blaming anyone about anything.
There is no analysis except how to justify the drinking.
Everything else is background noise to the addict.
The quicker one understands this the easier things will be.
Thanks.
They will do and say anything to get the drink. This includes blaming anyone about anything.
There is no analysis except how to justify the drinking.
Everything else is background noise to the addict.
The quicker one understands this the easier things will be.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
I am trying so hard to not give in. He has texted me all morning. Continuing to blame me. Saying I was ruining our kids lives over my feelings and my emotions. And completely denies that drinking is a problem in our marriage. That the drinking is because of the problems in our marriage. Does he see it and not care or just don’t see it?? I’m not arguing with him. I have quit texting. I know there is no reasoning with him. I just had this disease. So very much.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kc--------one very helpful tool for this situation----when you are being falsely blamed----is to not JADE in response.
J--justify
A----argue
D----defend
E----explain
Any of the above just continues the conflict and can back you into a corner. Lol----we say "you are not obligated to attend every argument that you are invited to"
Smart move to quit texting him.
Don't keep trying to understand his mind. You never will because you are not an alcoholic.
This shifting the blame onto the partner (or anyone else) is very, very typical alcoholic behavior. It serves to protect their right to drink by putting responsibility onto others, rather than themselves. It takes the spotlight off of them and their drinking, and puts it back on you. It is called "deflecting".
They count on our self doubt.
This is why you are going to need to learn to trust yourself! Remember, that, you know what you know. You have your own mind and you are NOT stupid.
You can send any texts straight to the trash folder-----or delete them if they are full of demeaning accusations against you.
Alcoholics will blame anything----and anyone----anyone, for their drinking. Anyone but themselves.
J--justify
A----argue
D----defend
E----explain
Any of the above just continues the conflict and can back you into a corner. Lol----we say "you are not obligated to attend every argument that you are invited to"
Smart move to quit texting him.
Don't keep trying to understand his mind. You never will because you are not an alcoholic.
This shifting the blame onto the partner (or anyone else) is very, very typical alcoholic behavior. It serves to protect their right to drink by putting responsibility onto others, rather than themselves. It takes the spotlight off of them and their drinking, and puts it back on you. It is called "deflecting".
They count on our self doubt.
This is why you are going to need to learn to trust yourself! Remember, that, you know what you know. You have your own mind and you are NOT stupid.
You can send any texts straight to the trash folder-----or delete them if they are full of demeaning accusations against you.
Alcoholics will blame anything----and anyone----anyone, for their drinking. Anyone but themselves.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,616
- I have wanted for so long for him to want me.
- I have wanted for so long to love me and tell me he appreciates me and that he couldn’t live without me. And he finally does and I tell him no!!!
- I don’t want any of that.
- I want him to get some help.
- I want him to quit drinking.
- try and fix this.
- I just keep hoping things will change
I totally understand why you would want things to change. See all your wants above, none of those things are happening. So, it looks like you made the right decision.
The moment and I mean the MOMENT you said no to his less than sincere "offers", he turns on you. Does that seem like the actions of a person that is sincere? Instead of backing off for a moment and thinking about your reaction, he turns on you (again). Rational people would have expected this response. A thinking person would have thought this through before contacting you and said ok, what do I need to accomplish to show her that I'm sincere and she can trust me (and no, that won't be in 5 minutes with a bunch of words).
I point this out to show how irrational his offer is. I'm so glad you stood your ground. He has done exactly zero to accomplish any of your wishes and hopes. That is, of course, his prerogative, it's his life, you just don't have to play this hand.
- I have wanted for so long to love me and tell me he appreciates me and that he couldn’t live without me. And he finally does and I tell him no!!!
- I don’t want any of that.
- I want him to get some help.
- I want him to quit drinking.
- try and fix this.
- I just keep hoping things will change
I totally understand why you would want things to change. See all your wants above, none of those things are happening. So, it looks like you made the right decision.
The moment and I mean the MOMENT you said no to his less than sincere "offers", he turns on you. Does that seem like the actions of a person that is sincere? Instead of backing off for a moment and thinking about your reaction, he turns on you (again). Rational people would have expected this response. A thinking person would have thought this through before contacting you and said ok, what do I need to accomplish to show her that I'm sincere and she can trust me (and no, that won't be in 5 minutes with a bunch of words).
I point this out to show how irrational his offer is. I'm so glad you stood your ground. He has done exactly zero to accomplish any of your wishes and hopes. That is, of course, his prerogative, it's his life, you just don't have to play this hand.
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