I am a mess but I am still here...
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
I am a mess but I am still here...
I know that I will get some tough love here...I won't be offended. Honest. I royally ****** up.....but this may be the straw that just ends this all. To great $$ cost for myself......I don't know that I am looking for feedback per se....but I have appreciated all the messages and responses to earlier posts and did want to give a status update to let you know, I am here and I am still struggling. And deeper down the rabbit hole.
I have had a rough two weeks......a LOT of drama with my soon to be ex husband (no, he is not the alcoholic in my life). As in, he physically assaulted a family member who went with me to retrieve belongings. She is fine, bruised and sore, cops said it was up to her to file or not. She chose not to because she lives about 8 hours away and the court stuff would be a pain.....she just couldn't. Been on pins and needles because he is going to be served the serious divorce papers soon.
Anyway....I did this knowing full well the man is an exceptional liar. That this really is not a healthy relationship and not something I want long term. I just felt so ..... helpless and lonely and when we do have conversations I feel that connection. That is what I missed. T
AFter the drama saying he was going back with her, we agreed, ok, let's talk tomorrow, let me know when you are free and we will facetime so I can explain. Of course the next day, "I don't feel like talking." I said ok, well you know you said this last night, I am heartbroken but hey, I wish you well. I will miss you. And he said he would miss me and wished me well too....that he was also heartbroken. I said, why are YOU heartbroken? You are ending this to be with.....someone you don't want to be with? And he said, it has to be this way. You don't need this drama in your life. You deserve better.
And this is where I ****** up. I said, yeah, it's a shame....I was willing to help you find a way to save your house, or hell I would have helped finance rehab, but then again that would be a waste if you really don't want to go. I will always wonder how you ended up and wish you well. Oh and here are some pics (not on me, from the store site) of the lingerie I ordered, too bad you won't ever see me in it....his response was, well We can still be together and have sex and be a couple. Again with the 180 flip. WTF does this man want and does he even know?
Anyway...the conversation continued over text with him just basically then going to how he loves me, he only wants to be with me, his legal status doesn't matter. We talked that night and he said again (as it always is when she is mentioned), you want to call my wife? Tell her you are my girlfriend and she will say oh that ******* I am divorcing? I said oh so now you are divorcing? Cause you keep telling me to find her, to find her and so I did & happen to notice her facebook---she now uses her married last name. He said, you are stalking her? WTF. She just updated that two days ago. I said----how do YOU know that she updated? You don't even have a facebook account. He said no, dont' have one but I keep an eye on hers..... I have no relationship with her, we are not ever reconciling. She lives in a women's shelter with her kids and plans to get a place in PA without me. I said well that isn't what you said last night.....He said, that was just drunken BS. You shouldn't take those calls, I say stupid **** that doesn't make sense. I said, I have heard that before from you..he begged me to come see him..I craved affection and escape, so we hung out for a few days. Things were good.....I did see the boxes in teh basement, which yes, there were less. Mostly seem to be kids toys. a few purses and things that appear to belong to her but nothing major or any sign of her moving in....
And then one day while we are hanging out, the $$ came up again to save the house. He said I can't come up with the $. i have tried everything I can think of.... If I don't pay by July 1, then on July 24 they start foreclosure and I have to move out. Told him I was so very sorry....and wished I could help. We both agreed living together in my place, even short term would be a disaster. He has had this house for 19 years.....the entire inside was completely redone due to damage from a house fire, so it is essentially a brand new house. He said, no one has that money. YOu don't. I said nope, I don't. I told him I could get a personal loan due to good credit----how long did he think it would take to repay, honestly? He checked his account and was like, I can do it in 6 months. I would not **** you over on this.....at one point he said, help me save this house, when your lease is up in January, move in and save some $$...we sell this and buy a place together. I said, uh no way in hell I would buy a place with you while you are married to someone else. I told him look, this is not me buying a relationship with you, I would do this for a friend. WE break up again, hey it happens....just repay my money. That is the critical part, just repay. I told him I would consider helping him.....And I did it. I loaned him the $. We both signed a legal loan agreement with the terms and interest rate, etc. He insists she is not on the deed---they have been married less than 2 years, he has lived there for 19 (yes, this last part I have confirmed) and the loan definitely is in just his name.
Why did I do it? Partially, because my husband was such a jackass to me. And it gave me a sick sort of joy to hand over $$ that he will try to fight for to another guy. Also, if M stiffs me on this loan, which I realize is a strong possibility, it is not a life altering sum for me. It will hurt....but I am in a position to recoup it. He on the other hand would have lost his brand new house over a few grand. Now, he is in that situation all of his own doing, I get that.....but the idea that I could do something to help someone who had nowhere to go, yeah, it made me feel like a pretty good person. So that was Monday and he has been a nervous wreck the past few days....so no sex. I was exhausted adn stressed as well, so I didn't really mind or attempt it. Last night I got really drunk and emotional about my divorce situation and other life events, and I basically called him out for not wanting to sleep with me over the past few days or even look at me in my new lingerie and he was just like, look, I am in my late 40s and a drunk---i feel embarrassed when my body can't respond to your advances. Of course, my mind goes to dark places and thinks, no, no it is because he now has his $$.....he doesn't want me anymore. Also, all the talk of it being "our house" and asking me to weigh in on upgrades to the parts that did not get redone, etc has all stopped as well. Honestly, anytime he did that I would say, look this is YOUR house. Just helping you out.
So, there we are. I am back in my place after 4 continuous nights with him at his, for a break for who knows how long, but some needed alone time (I need to face my own drinking which has been spiraling since last year when I separated). He is supposed to start repayment next month. Of course I half expect a drunk call over the next few days telling me he is back with her or he needs to end this....of course. And at that point I do have my legal contract I can try to take him to court to enforce...or maybe this will be the final **** you (from him to me) that I need to truly block the man.
So that is my update and hope I serve as a lesson to those just joining the forums. Everyone said he would ask for $$ help....and I didnt' think that day would come. But it did.....I kept saying he will never reach out, we are truly over, he ended it, he always did. You guys know your stuff.....
My therapist.....well, I think I need a new one. She just says, well, let's think why you wanted to anchor to this man when you should be running away. Yes, lady, I know that is what I need to figure out. No crap lady.
I have had a rough two weeks......a LOT of drama with my soon to be ex husband (no, he is not the alcoholic in my life). As in, he physically assaulted a family member who went with me to retrieve belongings. She is fine, bruised and sore, cops said it was up to her to file or not. She chose not to because she lives about 8 hours away and the court stuff would be a pain.....she just couldn't. Been on pins and needles because he is going to be served the serious divorce papers soon.
Anyway....I did this knowing full well the man is an exceptional liar. That this really is not a healthy relationship and not something I want long term. I just felt so ..... helpless and lonely and when we do have conversations I feel that connection. That is what I missed. T
AFter the drama saying he was going back with her, we agreed, ok, let's talk tomorrow, let me know when you are free and we will facetime so I can explain. Of course the next day, "I don't feel like talking." I said ok, well you know you said this last night, I am heartbroken but hey, I wish you well. I will miss you. And he said he would miss me and wished me well too....that he was also heartbroken. I said, why are YOU heartbroken? You are ending this to be with.....someone you don't want to be with? And he said, it has to be this way. You don't need this drama in your life. You deserve better.
And this is where I ****** up. I said, yeah, it's a shame....I was willing to help you find a way to save your house, or hell I would have helped finance rehab, but then again that would be a waste if you really don't want to go. I will always wonder how you ended up and wish you well. Oh and here are some pics (not on me, from the store site) of the lingerie I ordered, too bad you won't ever see me in it....his response was, well We can still be together and have sex and be a couple. Again with the 180 flip. WTF does this man want and does he even know?
Anyway...the conversation continued over text with him just basically then going to how he loves me, he only wants to be with me, his legal status doesn't matter. We talked that night and he said again (as it always is when she is mentioned), you want to call my wife? Tell her you are my girlfriend and she will say oh that ******* I am divorcing? I said oh so now you are divorcing? Cause you keep telling me to find her, to find her and so I did & happen to notice her facebook---she now uses her married last name. He said, you are stalking her? WTF. She just updated that two days ago. I said----how do YOU know that she updated? You don't even have a facebook account. He said no, dont' have one but I keep an eye on hers..... I have no relationship with her, we are not ever reconciling. She lives in a women's shelter with her kids and plans to get a place in PA without me. I said well that isn't what you said last night.....He said, that was just drunken BS. You shouldn't take those calls, I say stupid **** that doesn't make sense. I said, I have heard that before from you..he begged me to come see him..I craved affection and escape, so we hung out for a few days. Things were good.....I did see the boxes in teh basement, which yes, there were less. Mostly seem to be kids toys. a few purses and things that appear to belong to her but nothing major or any sign of her moving in....
And then one day while we are hanging out, the $$ came up again to save the house. He said I can't come up with the $. i have tried everything I can think of.... If I don't pay by July 1, then on July 24 they start foreclosure and I have to move out. Told him I was so very sorry....and wished I could help. We both agreed living together in my place, even short term would be a disaster. He has had this house for 19 years.....the entire inside was completely redone due to damage from a house fire, so it is essentially a brand new house. He said, no one has that money. YOu don't. I said nope, I don't. I told him I could get a personal loan due to good credit----how long did he think it would take to repay, honestly? He checked his account and was like, I can do it in 6 months. I would not **** you over on this.....at one point he said, help me save this house, when your lease is up in January, move in and save some $$...we sell this and buy a place together. I said, uh no way in hell I would buy a place with you while you are married to someone else. I told him look, this is not me buying a relationship with you, I would do this for a friend. WE break up again, hey it happens....just repay my money. That is the critical part, just repay. I told him I would consider helping him.....And I did it. I loaned him the $. We both signed a legal loan agreement with the terms and interest rate, etc. He insists she is not on the deed---they have been married less than 2 years, he has lived there for 19 (yes, this last part I have confirmed) and the loan definitely is in just his name.
Why did I do it? Partially, because my husband was such a jackass to me. And it gave me a sick sort of joy to hand over $$ that he will try to fight for to another guy. Also, if M stiffs me on this loan, which I realize is a strong possibility, it is not a life altering sum for me. It will hurt....but I am in a position to recoup it. He on the other hand would have lost his brand new house over a few grand. Now, he is in that situation all of his own doing, I get that.....but the idea that I could do something to help someone who had nowhere to go, yeah, it made me feel like a pretty good person. So that was Monday and he has been a nervous wreck the past few days....so no sex. I was exhausted adn stressed as well, so I didn't really mind or attempt it. Last night I got really drunk and emotional about my divorce situation and other life events, and I basically called him out for not wanting to sleep with me over the past few days or even look at me in my new lingerie and he was just like, look, I am in my late 40s and a drunk---i feel embarrassed when my body can't respond to your advances. Of course, my mind goes to dark places and thinks, no, no it is because he now has his $$.....he doesn't want me anymore. Also, all the talk of it being "our house" and asking me to weigh in on upgrades to the parts that did not get redone, etc has all stopped as well. Honestly, anytime he did that I would say, look this is YOUR house. Just helping you out.
So, there we are. I am back in my place after 4 continuous nights with him at his, for a break for who knows how long, but some needed alone time (I need to face my own drinking which has been spiraling since last year when I separated). He is supposed to start repayment next month. Of course I half expect a drunk call over the next few days telling me he is back with her or he needs to end this....of course. And at that point I do have my legal contract I can try to take him to court to enforce...or maybe this will be the final **** you (from him to me) that I need to truly block the man.
So that is my update and hope I serve as a lesson to those just joining the forums. Everyone said he would ask for $$ help....and I didnt' think that day would come. But it did.....I kept saying he will never reach out, we are truly over, he ended it, he always did. You guys know your stuff.....
My therapist.....well, I think I need a new one. She just says, well, let's think why you wanted to anchor to this man when you should be running away. Yes, lady, I know that is what I need to figure out. No crap lady.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I’m not even going to bother with the obvious.
Let me try a new approach...doesn’t it bother you at all that a woman he’s supposedly married to (or not) and her child/ren are living in a women’s shelter while he’s playing house with you? Shelters aren’t nice places.
Are you a super-competitive person? Because he’s got you competing with her and you’re not even sure if they’re married or if he made the whole thing up. Is that the hook here?
For the love of all that is holy, make sure this parasite can’t get access to your credit cards or any of your financial information. Because stealing from you is probably the next step. And yes, you can kiss that money good-bye.
Seriously, if all you need is attention and sex, there are plenty of ways to get those that won’t cost you your money and your sanity.
I can’t really tell you anything you don’t know. All I can say is that for me, one day I woke up and my self-respect woke up, slapped me across the head and I just became too embarrassed that I was this sadist’s plaything to continue. He had created another fight....pulled another disappearing act...I tried to call him all night...he never answered. Then something just snapped. I was DONE. I was too good for him and I knew it and I went no contact. He didn’t call or write for over a year...and when he did show back up, I told him where to go. Never regretted it.
I wish you sanity and the ability to know your own worth.
P.S. If you just want to spend your ex’s money for revenge, there are a ton of people hurting right now. Donate it to a food bank or a homeless shelter, not a narcissistic creep.
Let me try a new approach...doesn’t it bother you at all that a woman he’s supposedly married to (or not) and her child/ren are living in a women’s shelter while he’s playing house with you? Shelters aren’t nice places.
Are you a super-competitive person? Because he’s got you competing with her and you’re not even sure if they’re married or if he made the whole thing up. Is that the hook here?
For the love of all that is holy, make sure this parasite can’t get access to your credit cards or any of your financial information. Because stealing from you is probably the next step. And yes, you can kiss that money good-bye.
Seriously, if all you need is attention and sex, there are plenty of ways to get those that won’t cost you your money and your sanity.
I can’t really tell you anything you don’t know. All I can say is that for me, one day I woke up and my self-respect woke up, slapped me across the head and I just became too embarrassed that I was this sadist’s plaything to continue. He had created another fight....pulled another disappearing act...I tried to call him all night...he never answered. Then something just snapped. I was DONE. I was too good for him and I knew it and I went no contact. He didn’t call or write for over a year...and when he did show back up, I told him where to go. Never regretted it.
I wish you sanity and the ability to know your own worth.
P.S. If you just want to spend your ex’s money for revenge, there are a ton of people hurting right now. Donate it to a food bank or a homeless shelter, not a narcissistic creep.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Well, that's all pretty depressing isn't it. I'm sorry you keep getting hurt.
I am really glad you took the time to provide that update, this situation is very common with alcoholics and your posts are really helpful to many.
You know about the whole money thing, yes, people told you but sometimes we have to experience it, so I get that. No one here has a crystal ball but they do have experience in what you are experiencing. Is he manipulative, yes, it would seem so. Does he do this maliciously or does it just come naturally to him now, who can say?
When you live that type of lifestyle, like any rather negative lifestyle, you have to build defenses and you have to build a way of getting along, what those are depend on your integrity and boundaries etc, of course, apparently his walls are high and his integrity is challenged.
What all that means, of course, is you can't really believe him. However - when he tells you that you shouldn't take those drunken calls or at the very least know they are BS, please believe him, he's telling you the truth. Now, while some parts of that may turn out to be the truth, drunk or sober, you can't really trust his intent because firstly, he is ALL over the place (I doubt he even knows what he is doing) and secondly, he is drunk! Thirdly he has shown you time and time again he jumps from place to place and is not trustworthy.
Many people would not have taken your money, many would say, ok I got here, I either get out of this or that's done and dusted, goodbye house, not him, he took your money when offered. I truly hope he pays you back, but I surely wouldn't count on it.
Perhaps the "wife" is part of his - story - she saves him from ever having to make a commitment of any type, again, he is all over the place. The guy does need help for sure but no help that you can give him, unfortunately.
I am really glad you took the time to provide that update, this situation is very common with alcoholics and your posts are really helpful to many.
You know about the whole money thing, yes, people told you but sometimes we have to experience it, so I get that. No one here has a crystal ball but they do have experience in what you are experiencing. Is he manipulative, yes, it would seem so. Does he do this maliciously or does it just come naturally to him now, who can say?
When you live that type of lifestyle, like any rather negative lifestyle, you have to build defenses and you have to build a way of getting along, what those are depend on your integrity and boundaries etc, of course, apparently his walls are high and his integrity is challenged.
What all that means, of course, is you can't really believe him. However - when he tells you that you shouldn't take those drunken calls or at the very least know they are BS, please believe him, he's telling you the truth. Now, while some parts of that may turn out to be the truth, drunk or sober, you can't really trust his intent because firstly, he is ALL over the place (I doubt he even knows what he is doing) and secondly, he is drunk! Thirdly he has shown you time and time again he jumps from place to place and is not trustworthy.
Many people would not have taken your money, many would say, ok I got here, I either get out of this or that's done and dusted, goodbye house, not him, he took your money when offered. I truly hope he pays you back, but I surely wouldn't count on it.
Perhaps the "wife" is part of his - story - she saves him from ever having to make a commitment of any type, again, he is all over the place. The guy does need help for sure but no help that you can give him, unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2020
Location: Anywhere, US
Posts: 21
No judgment! We all have a messy story at this place. Realizing things and doing something about it are giant steps. Breaking it down to little steps helped me. You know what? My story has not been linear. Lots of crooked steps in there.
Just know you have support. You have listening ears and reading eyes here.
You have a lot on your plate, and you don't have to carry all that alone.
Just know you have support. You have listening ears and reading eyes here.
You have a lot on your plate, and you don't have to carry all that alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
I’m not even going to bother with the obvious.
Let me try a new approach...doesn’t it bother you at all that a woman he’s supposedly married to (or not) and her child/ren are living in a women’s shelter while he’s playing house with you? Shelters aren’t nice places.
Are you a super-competitive person? Because he’s got you competing with her and you’re not even sure if they’re married or if he made the whole thing up. Is that the hook here?
For the love of all that is holy, make sure this parasite can’t get access to your credit cards or any of your financial information. Because stealing from you is probably the next step. And yes, you can kiss that money good-bye.
Seriously, if all you need is attention and sex, there are plenty of ways to get those that won’t cost you your money and your sanity.
I can’t really tell you anything you don’t know. All I can say is that for me, one day I woke up and my self-respect woke up, slapped me across the head and I just became too embarrassed that I was this sadist’s plaything to continue. He had created another fight....pulled another disappearing act...I tried to call him all night...he never answered. Then something just snapped. I was DONE. I was too good for him and I knew it and I went no contact. He didn’t call or write for over a year...and when he did show back up, I told him where to go. Never regretted it.
I wish you sanity and the ability to know your own worth.
P.S. If you just want to spend your ex’s money for revenge, there are a ton of people hurting right now. Donate it to a food bank or a homeless shelter, not a narcissistic creep.
Let me try a new approach...doesn’t it bother you at all that a woman he’s supposedly married to (or not) and her child/ren are living in a women’s shelter while he’s playing house with you? Shelters aren’t nice places.
Are you a super-competitive person? Because he’s got you competing with her and you’re not even sure if they’re married or if he made the whole thing up. Is that the hook here?
For the love of all that is holy, make sure this parasite can’t get access to your credit cards or any of your financial information. Because stealing from you is probably the next step. And yes, you can kiss that money good-bye.
Seriously, if all you need is attention and sex, there are plenty of ways to get those that won’t cost you your money and your sanity.
I can’t really tell you anything you don’t know. All I can say is that for me, one day I woke up and my self-respect woke up, slapped me across the head and I just became too embarrassed that I was this sadist’s plaything to continue. He had created another fight....pulled another disappearing act...I tried to call him all night...he never answered. Then something just snapped. I was DONE. I was too good for him and I knew it and I went no contact. He didn’t call or write for over a year...and when he did show back up, I told him where to go. Never regretted it.
I wish you sanity and the ability to know your own worth.
P.S. If you just want to spend your ex’s money for revenge, there are a ton of people hurting right now. Donate it to a food bank or a homeless shelter, not a narcissistic creep.
Point taken about worthy causes.
Honestly I was in a short lived affair after I left my husband. I knew the man was married. I wanted to believe his marriage was over and he was leavign her and his kids. It took me a few months of text torture and him stringing me along, love bombing and then not committing before I had that a ha moment you describe in your post. I texted him and said best wishes, get in touch if you ever are truly single. Haven't been tempted to text or check up on him since.
I feel that is a point I have to get to on my own with M, and I am getting there. Days before handing over the $, I had a lot of anxiety. I was at my apt, I had the news that the summons was in the hands of the server and foolishly to quell my anxiety, I drank alone. I then proceeded to lash out at M over text telling him how I know he isn't on the up and up about Kristi, don't mistake my generosity for stupidity, just make sure I get my ******* money back, etc. Over course, it was text, not a conversation but he just responded that he loved me, he is only with me, he has now owned up to it all and hoped I wasn't going to be the jealous type and question his every move. I said it isn't jealous, i don't know the woman. I am just saying, I notice you contradict yourself all the time, even within the same conversation. I was also pissed because earlier that day I had called to tell him I needed him to sign the loan agreement and he was very short with me and really, given what I did for him I felt a little gratitude was in order. AFter that call, I was ready to say F you and just wish hiim well....but then I felt bad that I had agreed to something, something life changing for this person and was going to back out last minute. Sigh.
I am hoping I have that wake up moment soon too. I suspect it may come once I have some sort of resolution to this horrible divorce proceeding......sigh.
My one friend who knows I loaned him this money said, when I said well now that he has his $ and house safe he may cut me off and stiff me. She said yes, or he may make payments with his eye on bigger $$ down the road. I guess it depends if he is playing a long game or not....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by ItsNotYou2
Also, I have learned from experience that the best way to get rid of a loser SO is to loan them money. Lol.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Originally Posted by Maddoc78
So that is my update and hope I serve as a lesson to those just joining the forums. Everyone said he would ask for $$ help....and I didnt' think that day would come. But it did.....I kept saying he will never reach out, we are truly over, he ended it, he always did. You guys know your stuff.....
My therapist.....well, I think I need a new one. She just says, well, let's think why you wanted to anchor to this man when you should be running away. Yes, lady, I know that is what I need to figure out. No crap lady.
Your therapist is right you need to take a long deep look at why you want this guy.
You have probably heard this saying, "You don't have a problem; you have a solution, you don't like."
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
You have probably heard this saying, "You don't have a problem; you have a solution, you don't like."
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I have told myself before that I was confused and didn't know what to do, when the truth was I didn't like what I had to do--what was best for me. Do you fully see what will be best for you in this situation? Do you think you can do the work to build the peaceful, joyful, and drama-free life you deserve? I think you can--absolutely!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Originally Posted by Maddoc78
My therapist.....well, I think I need a new one. She just says, well, let's think why you wanted to anchor to this man when you should be running away. Yes, lady, I know that is what I need to figure out. No crap lady.
It's interesting that when your therapist has pin-pointed the issue, your response is to look for a new therapist.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The man is abusive, he hit your friend, he knocked stuff out of your hand and turned the heat up when it was 90 and hot, and his wife? ex-wife? and children are living in a shelter, no doubt for safety reasons. Please think about this and why you allow yourself to be abused mentally, physically and emotionally and then think it's about money and his needs.
You deserve so much better, please take your space and continue your therapy and find your balance again.
This relationship is toxic, it will make you as sick as he is. You have the choice to let him go, no contact would be good, but that's up to you and how much you want a healthy life.
Good luck.
You deserve so much better, please take your space and continue your therapy and find your balance again.
This relationship is toxic, it will make you as sick as he is. You have the choice to let him go, no contact would be good, but that's up to you and how much you want a healthy life.
Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Ann
The man is abusive, he hit your friend, he knocked stuff out of your hand and turned the heat up when it was 90 and hot, and his wife? ex-wife? and children are living in a shelter, no doubt for safety reasons. Please think about this and why you allow yourself to be abused mentally, physically and emotionally and then think it's about money and his needs.
You deserve so much better, please take your space and continue your therapy and find your balance again.
This relationship is toxic, it will make you as sick as he is. You have the choice to let him go, no contact would be good, but that's up to you and how much you want a healthy life.
Good luck.
You deserve so much better, please take your space and continue your therapy and find your balance again.
This relationship is toxic, it will make you as sick as he is. You have the choice to let him go, no contact would be good, but that's up to you and how much you want a healthy life.
Good luck.
The man who knocked the glass out and hit my aunt, that is my soon to be ex husband. Not the alcoholic BF, M. My husband and I have been separated over a year----I was very open about that to M and anyone else I met. That legally, yes, I am married, and working with a lawyer to end it after 17 years. On the other hand (and people who didn't see the earlier posts on this), M told me he was divorced 8 years, two grown kids----all true, but he forgot to mention the current legal wife, Kristi, who apparently lives in PA in a women's shelter with her two kids (a third kid is grown and in 20s)---his step children (teens).
Does she really live in a shelter? I don't know if that is true or just more of his drunken BS. I mean, if you have a husband with a 4 bedroom house why would you choose to live in a shelter? Unless yes there was abuse, if there was, then why is she storing stuff at his house and painting him pictures and delivering them as gifts?.....according to him, SHE beat the crap out of him one night in public and he has never laid a finger on her. I asked why she was in a shelter and he said 'she is lazy and greedy.' Regardless, not sure why SHE doesn't divorce his ass. He said she has saved up money and got a big settlement from something....he was pissed she wouldn't give him the money for the house. He said she is getting a place in PA and yeah she has asked him before to move to PA and he doesn't want to leave VA. SO.....my theory is that if push came to shove and he really lost his house, he would have crashed with her as a last resort (assuming she does have/get a place in PA). But, my offer is the more attractive option. Stays put in his own place.....doesn't have to deal with kids, etc.
He is a comp sci person, skilled hacker...and when I pushed as to WTH he is following her on facebook if 1) he doesn't even have his own account and 2) they aren't together.....he said he gets updates, that for one of his jobs, he had to set up a facebook account so he does have a user name but doesn't post or have an active profile, and he installed some thing or set it up so he sees her page and knows when she updates anything on it. I said, again, WHY? And he said so he can see where she is, make sure she isn't coming around his house etc.....Now, I am not her friend online so I can't see much on her profile....this whole exchange makes it seem to me that HE stalks HER. WHich lines up with her being in a shelter. AGAIN though....why does she feel fine coming around and asking him to move in, telling him financial info (her settlements) if she wants out?
He was honest about that----its a chaotic dramatic mess
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"Why" is a great question...but not about him or his wife or what either of them do. Until you are willing to start digging into the why of YOUR choices, you will remain caught up in this nightmare. And you cannot do that while you continue to enmesh yourself with this dysfunction.
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Location: Western US
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Originally Posted by Maddoc78
So, M told me he was ...... he forgot to mention
Does she really.......? ........ his drunken ...........why is she.............?.....according to him, SHE .............he has never .............SHE doesn't ........... He said she has...................he was pissed she wouldn't..........He said she is getting ............. she has asked him............ he doesn't want to.........he would have .................
.......... he is following .......... he doesn't even..............he said he ......... one of his jobs, he had................... he does have ................... he installed ..........................he sees her .......................... she updates .......................he said so he can see where she is, ................... she isn't coming around his house ................................... HE stalks HER..................................... she feel fine coming around and asking him to move
---its a chaotic dramatic mess
Does she really.......? ........ his drunken ...........why is she.............?.....according to him, SHE .............he has never .............SHE doesn't ........... He said she has...................he was pissed she wouldn't..........He said she is getting ............. she has asked him............ he doesn't want to.........he would have .................
.......... he is following .......... he doesn't even..............he said he ......... one of his jobs, he had................... he does have ................... he installed ..........................he sees her .......................... she updates .......................he said so he can see where she is, ................... she isn't coming around his house ................................... HE stalks HER..................................... she feel fine coming around and asking him to move
---its a chaotic dramatic mess
Alcoholics have to pour out their booze; we have to go no contact before we can start addressing why we are so drawn to these people.
This guy, as well as all of our qualifiers, are not our problem. Our problems are avoided by being involved with them.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by Maddoc78
but then I felt bad that I had agreed to something, something life changing for this person and was going to back out last minute. Sigh.
I hope that you don't feel like you have done something wrong. We are not here to admonish you, not at all. There are many here that have kept at this for years and years, so you are in good company.
All that said, this advice you have been given is in hope of alleviating some of your pain.
What you wrote above, about this loan being life changing for him and his lack of gratitude. That's true, it is/was life changing for him, your compassion is admirable. But, I think, the most important thing is how all this affects you, not him. His lack of gratitude is real. He can now breath a sigh of relief, settle on to the sofa and have a drink. He'll worry about all the stuff "later".
If you choose to keep in contact with him, the only thing I hope for you is that you protect yourself. Realize you can't trust him, realize that he is selfish and not looking out for your best interests, that is something you will need to do. Who is looking out for you? I hope you choose to be kind to yourself and protect yourself and your feelings.
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Addressing the "why" for myself.....I have also been doing that, believe me I have, ever since I decided to finally walk away from my marriage. Which to many people looking in seemed "perfect." I will start with my list of personal "whys"....
---father was verbally abusive to my mother, who suffered frm very low self esteem her entire life due in part (cause I know that isn't all of the reason) to a narcissistic mother, sexual abuse in her teens....she was ill with one round of cancer after another from the time I was 8 until she passed from it when I was 27. She did leave my Dad, while she was sick----I realize only now how much strength and courage that took...so, in short, no real great examples of what a healthy marriage or even healthy relationship looks like. Lots of alcoholism and some drug addiction (not my parents, they are/were pretty straight edge) but among my aunts and uncles who I am close with....
--I have always been bookish and felt socially awkward. I had a weight problem when I was young, that combined with my parents poor economic situation led to a lot of teasing and bullying in school.
--Never really felt comfortable putting myself out there with guys....I mean, I had one or two dates in all 4 years of college. And honestly, I had such great friends and was so busy kicking ass in classes, I didnt' feel down or bad about it.
--my husband was my first serious relationship. I had family members encourage me to get him to marry me because, oh my God, you are mid 20s, he is attractive, he is "a catch" (I guess they meant in the looks department cause he didn't have any $$)....so yeah, when I was even dating him, looking back, so many red flags I should have walked away from. But I believed I would die an old maid or alone and my family constantly pushed that as a fate worse than death. so i married him...sponsored his green card, his citizenship. looked the other way and accepted a lot of crap thinking, well, I am also flawed and his sticks by my side, so..?
So those are some of my whys.....they suck and it hurts to think about. I know I need to find a way to not feel that way, to not look for validation based on my appearance or whatever....but yeah, how to do that? It is hard stuff. I don't want you guys to think I haven't ever tried to even look inward at why I am in this situation, believe me I have.....I just don't know how to break this cycle.
I recognize, it is easier for me to sit here and ponder the whys of this man and his mystery wife. The more I think about the $ and what I did, the more anxious and sick to my stomach I feel. I told my best friend who is like a sister today that I did it and she was almost in tears...not angry at me but sad. I keep telling myself to not freak out, I can freak out and get anxious when/if he misses a payment. Which isn't due for another 2 weeks.....
---father was verbally abusive to my mother, who suffered frm very low self esteem her entire life due in part (cause I know that isn't all of the reason) to a narcissistic mother, sexual abuse in her teens....she was ill with one round of cancer after another from the time I was 8 until she passed from it when I was 27. She did leave my Dad, while she was sick----I realize only now how much strength and courage that took...so, in short, no real great examples of what a healthy marriage or even healthy relationship looks like. Lots of alcoholism and some drug addiction (not my parents, they are/were pretty straight edge) but among my aunts and uncles who I am close with....
--I have always been bookish and felt socially awkward. I had a weight problem when I was young, that combined with my parents poor economic situation led to a lot of teasing and bullying in school.
--Never really felt comfortable putting myself out there with guys....I mean, I had one or two dates in all 4 years of college. And honestly, I had such great friends and was so busy kicking ass in classes, I didnt' feel down or bad about it.
--my husband was my first serious relationship. I had family members encourage me to get him to marry me because, oh my God, you are mid 20s, he is attractive, he is "a catch" (I guess they meant in the looks department cause he didn't have any $$)....so yeah, when I was even dating him, looking back, so many red flags I should have walked away from. But I believed I would die an old maid or alone and my family constantly pushed that as a fate worse than death. so i married him...sponsored his green card, his citizenship. looked the other way and accepted a lot of crap thinking, well, I am also flawed and his sticks by my side, so..?
So those are some of my whys.....they suck and it hurts to think about. I know I need to find a way to not feel that way, to not look for validation based on my appearance or whatever....but yeah, how to do that? It is hard stuff. I don't want you guys to think I haven't ever tried to even look inward at why I am in this situation, believe me I have.....I just don't know how to break this cycle.
I recognize, it is easier for me to sit here and ponder the whys of this man and his mystery wife. The more I think about the $ and what I did, the more anxious and sick to my stomach I feel. I told my best friend who is like a sister today that I did it and she was almost in tears...not angry at me but sad. I keep telling myself to not freak out, I can freak out and get anxious when/if he misses a payment. Which isn't due for another 2 weeks.....
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Originally Posted by Maddoc78
Addressing the "why" for myself.....I have also been doing that, believe me I have, ever since I decided to finally walk away from my marriage. Which to many people looking in seemed "perfect." I will start with my list of personal "whys"....
---father was verbally abusive to my mother, who suffered frm very low self esteem her entire life due in part (cause I know that isn't all of the reason) to a narcissistic mother, sexual abuse in her teens....she was ill with one round of cancer after another from the time I was 8 until she passed from it when I was 27. She did leave my Dad, while she was sick----I realize only now how much strength and courage that took...so, in short, no real great examples of what a healthy marriage or even healthy relationship looks like. Lots of alcoholism and some drug addiction (not my parents, they are/were pretty straight edge) but among my aunts and uncles who I am close with....
--I have always been bookish and felt socially awkward. I had a weight problem when I was young, that combined with my parents poor economic situation led to a lot of teasing and bullying in school.
--Never really felt comfortable putting myself out there with guys....I mean, I had one or two dates in all 4 years of college. And honestly, I had such great friends and was so busy kicking ass in classes, I didnt' feel down or bad about it.
--my husband was my first serious relationship. I had family members encourage me to get him to marry me because, oh my God, you are mid 20s, he is attractive, he is "a catch" (I guess they meant in the looks department cause he didn't have any $$)....so yeah, when I was even dating him, looking back, so many red flags I should have walked away from. But I believed I would die an old maid or alone and my family constantly pushed that as a fate worse than death. so i married him...sponsored his green card, his citizenship. looked the other way and accepted a lot of crap thinking, well, I am also flawed and his sticks by my side, so..?
So those are some of my whys.....they suck and it hurts to think about. I know I need to find a way to not feel that way, to not look for validation based on my appearance or whatever....but yeah, how to do that? It is hard stuff. I don't want you guys to think I haven't ever tried to even look inward at why I am in this situation, believe me I have.....I just don't know how to break this cycle.
I recognize, it is easier for me to sit here and ponder the whys of this man and his mystery wife. The more I think about the $ and what I did, the more anxious and sick to my stomach I feel. I told my best friend who is like a sister today that I did it and she was almost in tears...not angry at me but sad. I keep telling myself to not freak out, I can freak out and get anxious when/if he misses a payment. Which isn't due for another 2 weeks.....
---father was verbally abusive to my mother, who suffered frm very low self esteem her entire life due in part (cause I know that isn't all of the reason) to a narcissistic mother, sexual abuse in her teens....she was ill with one round of cancer after another from the time I was 8 until she passed from it when I was 27. She did leave my Dad, while she was sick----I realize only now how much strength and courage that took...so, in short, no real great examples of what a healthy marriage or even healthy relationship looks like. Lots of alcoholism and some drug addiction (not my parents, they are/were pretty straight edge) but among my aunts and uncles who I am close with....
--I have always been bookish and felt socially awkward. I had a weight problem when I was young, that combined with my parents poor economic situation led to a lot of teasing and bullying in school.
--Never really felt comfortable putting myself out there with guys....I mean, I had one or two dates in all 4 years of college. And honestly, I had such great friends and was so busy kicking ass in classes, I didnt' feel down or bad about it.
--my husband was my first serious relationship. I had family members encourage me to get him to marry me because, oh my God, you are mid 20s, he is attractive, he is "a catch" (I guess they meant in the looks department cause he didn't have any $$)....so yeah, when I was even dating him, looking back, so many red flags I should have walked away from. But I believed I would die an old maid or alone and my family constantly pushed that as a fate worse than death. so i married him...sponsored his green card, his citizenship. looked the other way and accepted a lot of crap thinking, well, I am also flawed and his sticks by my side, so..?
So those are some of my whys.....they suck and it hurts to think about. I know I need to find a way to not feel that way, to not look for validation based on my appearance or whatever....but yeah, how to do that? It is hard stuff. I don't want you guys to think I haven't ever tried to even look inward at why I am in this situation, believe me I have.....I just don't know how to break this cycle.
I recognize, it is easier for me to sit here and ponder the whys of this man and his mystery wife. The more I think about the $ and what I did, the more anxious and sick to my stomach I feel. I told my best friend who is like a sister today that I did it and she was almost in tears...not angry at me but sad. I keep telling myself to not freak out, I can freak out and get anxious when/if he misses a payment. Which isn't due for another 2 weeks.....
I swear sometimes Disney has a lot to answer for. All some people need to do is play the “I love you” card and otherwise intelligent, grounded people sign up to be victimized. Repeatedly.
IIRC you said you could afford to lose this money, yes? Because it may well be the price you’ll have to pay to ultimately put this mess behind you. Honestly the worst thing about the “loan” isn’t the manipulation, it’s the reality that it’s an ongoing contentious tie that will ensnare you further with this man.
What happens in your head if you just assume you’re never getting that money back? Does that change anything for you?
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