Tacotuesday

Just feeling frustrated tonight! Anyone else feel resentful having to celebrate an alcoholic spouse for the sake of the kids when you know that the “great parent” thing is just a facade?

Nd819

Yes! That and walking down the Hallmark aisle trying to choose a card.

PeacefulWater12

Urgh yeah. I remember looking for the blandest card I could find.

Those cards that said "Happy Fathers Day to a Great Dad". Urgh. Puke!

How about Happy Fathers Day to a "dad" who was too busy getting drunk to bother with his kids card! Oddly, I never saw one that said that.

My dad long since passed away but I am glad to be speaking of it today. (Also applies to Mothers Day)

Thanks Taco Tuesday for starting this thread. So refreshing and empowering to be able to be honest.

The person I have grown into now following years of my own recovery work would not have sent a card or visited him on Fathers Day. We used to travel down to visit him, arrive late morning. He would already be hammered but pretending to be sober. A waste of our day, and his really. I expect he would have far rather sat and got hammered all day without the façade of playing happy families.

So a more honest approach all round would have been far healthier.

Tacotuesday

Ugh yes! The cards are the worst! & yes not just Father’s Day - mother’s if that’s what applies to you, & birthdays, Christmas, Valentines...,..

It is really helpful to have a place to share your ugly feelings.

pizza67

I had suffered through that for many years. Worse with narcissists, they expect adulation. This year, since he’s on his pity potty, I’ve been mercifully freed from having to pretend we celebrate him. He said he wanted it to be ignored since the kids say he isn’t their father anymore. He even tried to get me to return the money my family sent him. Lol no.

ItsNotYou2

What about the kids? I understand the resentment. I do. However, from the perspective of the children: this is still their dad, half of themselves. As a child advocate, we know children still have love for their most addicted parents.

Try your best and choose love for your children today.

Peace!

trailmix

My Mother helped us with Father's day and I don't think anyone is advocating ignoring the addicted parent, at least not in this thread. You can love your parent and not have blinders on.

As an adult, I gave up on the Father's day and Birthday thing (for my Father), it was not honest, it did meet with some backlash, but I was more than able to deal with that by then.

Tacotuesday

ItsNotYou2 - oh no worries. Kids had a beautifully oblivious day. They got to do all the things they wanted to do with him & we made him his favorite dinner.
Just needed to vent - all the holidays are hard but it’s a bitter pill to have to celebrate someone’s parenting when you know you are pulling up a lot of the slack for that parent. Big picture - I really only care that my kids are well cared for & emotionally healthy - even if it means I’m doing the heavy lifting. But every now & then I need to scream into a void for a bit before I pick myself up & carry on.

dandylion

Taco-------thoroughly understood!! I had to do the same thing with the father of my kids.

pizza67

My kids want nothing to do with him.

PeacefulWater12

I hear you. Lots of different perspectives on this.

When I was child I hated that we had to pretend that my father was a good father. Go through the charade of Fathers Day. I could tell from being very small that he was not a good parent at all. Pretending and the denial added to my stress and confusion.

For me, even from a very young age, I would have far preferred the truth be told about his addiction. I would also liked to have been told that it wasn't that he didn't love us kids because there was something wrong with us, it was because of his addiction.

We thought we were unloved due to us being defective in some way.

For me, the pretence was the damaging part. The truth would have been far healthier.

Good discussion, thank you everyone.