kc05

It’s been a while since my last post. We agreed on custody. And got that behind us. Which is great. But while all that was going on I was basically constantly thinking and doing and going and talking to lawyers and trying to get something accomplished. We were completely no contact. His mother would meet me for kid exchange. Had not laid eyes on him in months. Then one day he calls. Very nice on the phone. Wants us to be civil for the kids. Ok. Me too. Then he would call every few days. So nice. Felt nice. It was daytime husband. The nice one. No booze. Working husband. Then it was can I meet you to get the kids. Sure. I seen him. And just kinda melted. Not in front of him. Inside melted. All those happy times came flooding back. And I can’t make them stop. I know he’s still drinking heavily. I know nothing has changed. But for so long I think I ran on adrenaline and things have kinda slowed down and I’m just now to the point of not being numb to it all and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks. And I don’t know how or what to do with these feelings. I don’t wanna go back. I can’t go back. But I miss him. I miss our house. I miss those good times. I know there were so many bad times. But there were good times too. And it’s like those are the times I keep replaying in my head. And I can’t make it stop. The kids are with him tonight. And it’s just me all by myself. And no one understands what I’m feeling. My friends and family hate him. If I say anything to them. They just don’t understand why I would ever think any nice things about him. But for 21 years we were together. We meet when I was 16. We grew up together. He was my best friend. And the one I ran to when something was wrong. And now somethings wrong and I don’t have him. I hear myself saying these things and I hear how stupid it is. But I can’t help it!

dandylion

kc05----I don't think what you are feeling is uncommon or abnormal. I think that any of us who have had relationships that didn't work out, in the very long run. understand what you are talking about. I am talking about any relationships----not just the ones where alcoholism is a major dynamic. As we grow older, I think that we all look back at our precious memories with good feelings and nostalgia,

SmallButMighty

kc, I'm sorry you are grieving. I went through the exact same thing. I had been with my AXH since we were 16 as well, the bonds we form with them from such a young age makes things even harder I think. They are woven into our very life fabric, even more so when we share children with them. I also knew I did not want to go back to living in the chaos of his addiction, but my heart heart took longer then my head to get on board with the new program. I grieved deeply for a really long time, longer and more intensely than I've ever grieved for the death of a loved one. What helped me deal with some of that pain, was giving myself permission to feel the love I still had for him. It felt better to allow the feelings of love to be there, rather than trying to battle them away. Fighting those feeling had been exhausting me. Learning to love from a distance definitely made moving forward much easier.

Hang in there, it does get better. *hugs*

CoachP

kc, I hope you realize that are truly NOT alone. Its OK to feel the pain, many of us can relate, just don't "live" in it. Give yourself time. Heal. Take some comfort in knowing that WE care and empathize with your situation. Love and caring are on the other side of this screen. Do take care.

Nd819

Kc, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Unfortunately I just think it's going to take time. Our brains certainly only want to remember the good, I guess in general that makes having memories so much more pleasant but also makes the loss so much more painful. Hugs to you, this to shall pass.

kc05

Thank you everyone. I am trying to deal with all this. I have a busy weekend so hopefully that will help. He called the other day and basically demanded that I come back home. He can’t be alone and will find someone else. He takes no responsibility for anything and continues to blame me for everything. Nothing has changed. I hung up on him. And I’ve not heard from him since. It takes everything in me to not give in to him. But I know that’s not the right thing to do. I don’t understand how alcoholics can’t see how much it hurts their families. I just wish he would get some help. And try to save his family. But all he does is play the blame game. And points the finger at everyone but himself.

qtpi

I am sorry and I can empathize. I made a list of the bad times. It’s pages and pages long. Not at first. I had forgotten some things... almost on purpose so I could still feel like it was good enough. Now 4 years later every now and then I remember something to add to the list. Complete disregard of me and my needs, extreme selfishness, verbal abuse and threats.

Lyssy

I went to a counselor. She was my safe place to feel - cry, rage, grieve, plan for the future. I was completely honest with her that I was using her office as a refuge. It was the one place I could "feel" and allow myself to "feel". She didn't judge me or condemn me, she offered support, offered advice when I asked for it. I had to hold in everything around friends, family and work but once a week, for an hour, I could let that all out. Looking back on it, it was the first time in 20 years that I invested in myself and put myself first - even if it was just for an hour a week. It was the best investment I made. Now I go and get a massage - lol, but again, it is just an hour that is just for myself.