Maddoxcruz

I mean more so when one partner is the alcoholic whether it be male or female? I know recovery changes people but I can’t seem to find any numbers? I enjoy seeing facts and numbers to help me rationalize.

thanks in advanced

dandylion

Madd------you may find some statistics from the following website----or, maybe find some useful links on it.

I think you will probably have a hard time finding what you are looking for.

Are you asking about a marriage being happy and successful if the partner goes into permanent recovery or if the partner doesn't?


https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publicatio...and-statistics

Maddoxcruz

I mean if the alcoholic attempts to recover. Whether they remain sober or relapse. Does rehab play a part in couples separating? I understand alcoholics in recovery are searching for themselves and attempting to overcome issues. The rehab is for them and if you are a loved one you should remain supportive. Sometimes the partner can realize their loved one is a trigger.

dandylion

Maddox-----I am sorry, but I don't have any statistics for you. It sounds like you have a specific worry that your A may decide to leave after rehab--?
do you worry that it is something about you that he would want to leave?

Maddoxcruz

It’s not a fear, I just know how easily manipulated my partner is. In the past I have tried to leave so many times and he always came looking for me. He’d only leave if a friend or family member told him too. He’s an alcoholic he’s told them so many lies and misconceptions about me. When my family and friends have been forgiving and understanding. I am ready for the relationship to be over. I do feel guilt for saying it because I told him he needed rehab. I just don’t have trust he will stop. I want to be happy. Before he went to rehab we were not together for a month. I’m accustomed to being alone and enjoy it more than when he’s around.

sadly I feel as if he only wants to “return” so he doesn’t have any bills. I own my home and only pay utilities. When he lived with me I had him pay all utilities and phone/internet a whole total of $425. Mind you we have a son together. He accused me of using him for his money and his family says it as well.

i want a partner that respects me and my children. Not an ungrateful man child.

velma929

My husband and I were married until he died. I wouldn't say we were 'together' but we did stay married. I loved him and didn't know after 25 years together, how my finances would suffer if / when we went our separate ways.

Philip Seymore Hoffman died of an overdose after decades of abstinence.

After 25 years with an alcoholic, I had decided, "Never again." I did have one meet-and-greet with a man 30 years sober, and I wished him well and never saw him again.
YMMV.

That being said: marriages break up for all kinds of reasons, not just addiction.

Seren

I don’t think there are statistics recorded of that sort. It’s a difficult proposition to obtain stats about recovery of those addicted let alone whether or not the individuals are/were married. That would require following patients long-term which has probably not been done. It would take a deep dive into the scientific literature.

SparkleKitty

This is a really reasonable thing to want, and no statistics are going to validate it, though I understand the impulse. Addiction is not really a facts and figures racket. The "Anonymous" is there for a reason, so you'd be hard pressed to find data to back up any particular theory or answer any particular question.

dandylion

Maddox------I think that I understand, better, where you are coming from, now. He sounds like he is a very dependent personality, in addition to the alcoholism? I would suggest that you have some firm boundaries in place for when he is out of the facility. It is easy to let them in----but can be very difficult to "get them out". Perhaps, it would be a good idea for him to go to a half-way house (sober living) after he leaves the facility. Better for him---better for you. It seems like, if he returns to you and your home---that it will likely just perpetuate the past. A half-way house could afford him a sober environment---ongoing treatment, as most of the have AA meetings, daily and are not allowed to drink at all---as well as some time to begin to
grow up".

FWN

Maddox - take this time away from him to think about how YOU feel. What YOU want. YOUR needs. Things YOU enjoy.
Try not to focus so much at this point about what you want in a partner. Something that keeps rolling around in my head is that relationships will never be truly fulfilling until the two people in it are WHOLE by themselves. Two individuals do not “complete” each other, they complement and enhance the other persons life. Until you are happy as a single individual, on your own doing what you want to do and not living for another (not including your children), then constantly trying to get that feeling from another person will always result in “why am I not happy”....
Do you even miss him while he’s away? Miss HIM, what he brings to the relationship. Or is it just having another warm body adult there?
Only you know the answers to these questions, deep down. Search for those answers. Not what you should say or you should feel, but what you actually want/feel.

trailmix

So it's not even just him, you are surrounded by people (his family) that do not have YOUR best interests at heart.

You mention you are happier with him away and being on your own. That you are ready for the relationship to be over. Why are you even considering having him back?

Try never to let FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) cloud your path. None of these are good reasons to sacrifice yourself for another. In fact that sounds like the decision your are struggling with?

Do you allow yourself to be happy and content and leave this relationship or do you stay with him to support his as he went to rehab, although that will make you less happy if not truly unhappy.

Why? Are you not worthy of happiness? Is his life and his contentment more important that yours? Than you and your child's? Just some things to ponder.

DontRemember

IME whether an alcoholic is involved or not, If one party is "ready for this relationship to be over" and sticks to that conviction. There's a ZERO % chance of the relationship working.

If you're done,be done. It's really that simple.