FWN

I know people have been following my story and honestly that helps me to hear that my experience is helping others cope and process their own experiences. It's so easy to feel alone in this, like you have some other alternate reality that only exists behind the doors of your home and online. But sadly, it's real.


AH hasn't drank in months. He seems very different, very much more aware of dependency on alcohol. The book 'The Easy Way to Quit Drinking' had a real impact on him, but only because he was finally ready to listen. But it stuck and he brings up the book every now and then. He also brings up how nice it is that he doesn't have to worry about being caught in a lie anymore, that he feels a sense of freedom not drinking and that he knows it's never been a real solution to any of his problems, just an easy fix for the moment. He's also focusing on himself more and has lost 40 pounds and counting. I've gotten everything I ever wanted here, right? Quit drinking. Lose weight. All will be right in the world. Unfortunately that's far from the truth.

We are divorcing. He desperately wants to work things out but I know in my heart two very important things that I cannot get past. I cannot ever and do not trust him. And I do not respect him. What I feel deep down is that I'm much happier alone than in this relationship, I feel more peaceful when it's just me and the kids. Will I miss a lot about our marriage? Absolutely. Things have not always been all bad, we have a strong companionship even today and have activities we enjoy doing together and with our kids. But a marriage without trust and respect is no marriage at all and I deserve better. So much better. I continue to doubt myself being with him day to day (we live together still) and sometimes the doubt hits me like a punch in the gut and takes my breath away. But one day at a time, I keep moving towards my goal.

I love him, I'll always love him, but I understand now more than I ever have in my life what people mean when they say that sometimes love isn't enough.

I'll send more updates when I have them. Thanks for your love and support and comments and thoughts and prayers. I wouldn't be where I am today mentally, emotionally, spiritually, without SR. Thank you all.

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I also wanted to share a song that's helped me recently, it stays in my head most days and it has helped me process my feelings further and give me strength to move forward. Better man, by Little Big Town. Even if you aren't a country fan, this is an incredible song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph9NQ8ASmX4

I know I'm probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn't know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
I wish it wasn't four am, standing in the mirror
Saying to myself, you know you had to do it I know
The bravest thing I ever did was run
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye
Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man
I know I'm probably better off all alone
Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute
And it's always on your terms
I'm hanging on every careless word
Hoping it might turn sweet again
Like it was in the beginning
But your jealousy, I can hear it now
You're talking down to me like I'll always be around
You push my love away like it's some kind of loaded gun
Boy, you never thought I'd run
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye
Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man
Better man
I hold onto this pride because these days it's all I have
And I gave you my best and we both know you can't say that
You can't say that
I wish you were a better man
I wonder what we would've become
If you were a better man
We might still be in love
If you were a better man
You would've been the one
If you were a better man
Yeah, yeah
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye
Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man
We might still be in love, if you were a better man
Better man

Ariesagain

Thank you for the update... I’ve been hoping you were okay.

I hope you realize how remarkably strong and centered you sound. You’ve shown glimpses of it all along, but it’s like you’re now really YOU now. A woman to be respected.

You have made a difficult decision in such difficult circumstances, but you have stepped up to ownership of your own life. Standing ovation from here.

SmallButMighty

Proud of you FWN. You have brighter days ahead. Promise.

btw,..Better Man been one of my favorite songs for a few years now. I can really belt it out... Go figure.

Seren

Trust and respect are two fundamental things in any marriage. When my ex had an affair and began divorce proceedings, I knew that I had lost both of those toward him and could not get them back. Even when he ultimately decided he wanted to work on our marriage, I couldn't. It would not have been fair to remain with him--for him or for me.

I am sorry that it has come to this, but I am happy to hear he seems to be embracing recovery. I will hope and pray that it continues for him!

Forevertoolong

I am so sorry for this loss of the life you hoped for. But you only get one life and you deserve to be with a partner who prioritises you and who you trust and respect.

I have to believe that everything in life happens for a reason. Sometimes it is hard to make sense of why these things happen, but I have no doubt you will look back and be glad you were so strong to make the right decision for yourself and your children, such a hard thing to do.

You sound so level headed about this! I am sure there are very hard days, but time is a great healer.

It is fab that he is not drinking, hopefully that continues so that you can co-parent well and maintain a healthy relationship for the sake of the kids.

I feel like our situations are similar, although I think my AH is even more messed up as he has the parenting thing alongside the drinking stuff. So I am sitting here wondering what I am actually trying to salvage.

FWN

That is the thing about codependency, forevertoolong. You can spend literally years focusing on your alcoholic husband, trying to fix what is wrong with him, fix his problems and his emotions, never focusing on yourself and what you want as a human being. That is what happened to me and when I finally LEFT the carousel of my life and turned around to look at what was left I realized we just didn’t have a marriage anymore. My therapist asked an open ended question of me a while back, if me and my AH had the definition of a Christian marriage (love, respect, patience, kindness, etc). No way, not for as long as I can remember.
Looking at my AH now, today. He’s not the kind of person I would choose to spend my life with. To sit on my front porch with after the kids are out of the house for good and talk about life and enjoy our alone time together.
It’s a horribly sad realization. But the alternative of staying in a loveless marriage just surviving and going through the motions is much sadder.

Zevin

Thanks so much for the update, FWN. You sound really happy and in-control of your life now. Congratulations!
I hope your husband stays sober and you continue on the best path for YOU and your CHILDREN.
It’s been amazing to watch you go through this very tough time and encouraging to see you emerge so strong.
All the best to you and your kids!
Joining in the standing ovation for you!

Nd819

Thank you for the update FWN. While I am sorry that removing the alcohol was not the magic bullet to save your marriage I am so impressed with your strength and grace. It also sounds like you will be able to navigate the divorce peacefully. Wishing you the best through the process, you definitely deserve happiness.

Maddoxcruz

this is what I have been thinking of the past few days. My bf is in detox. It took so many things to fall apart for him to finally go and when he did I just don’t know if him being clean will make me happy.

i too do not have any trust or respect for my boyfriend. It will be so hard for it to be earned back and he believes I should just forget everything and start over. Easy for him when all I’ve done was love him unconditionally.

thank you for putting your story up. I couldn’t explain my feelings and you writing this is what I felt. I love my boyfriend, I really do but if we didn’t have a son I would’ve left a long time ago. He has no respect for me or his son. There’s no trust. I will always resent him. Most importantly I know he would never have stuck around for me like I did for him.

thank you

trailmix

Hi FWN, glad to see you. It's hard isn't it to make those types of decisions. Aside from the obvious reasons there is usually either Fear, Obligation or Guilt, or all of them, as well.

I know for a fact that you didn't make this decision lightly and you weighed up the pros and cons for you and your children. Hopefully that is some solace for you.

It's not easy to trust someone who has trampled our trust (and our feelings) so thoroughly. Sometimes impossible. You may already know this but that doesn't make you an unforgiving or bad person, there is a reason you feel that way and that is neither wrong nor right, it is just as it is.

Another important message in your post, of course, is that when the alcohol disappears (as it sometimes does), are you compatible. Many people have only known their partner as an alcoholic or other drug user. The reality of that, once that huge obstacle is put aside, is not always what someone hopes it will be. That makes absolute sense and does not make anything easier.

I just know you are going to thrive now.

hopeful4

I know that you get to a point of no return, and it sounds like you are there. I hope you both continue to do well and keep doing things to take good care of yourselves. That's the best we can all do.

big hugs!