Forevertoolong

My AH is not drinking (at the moment). He wants to clear his mind so that he can know whether it is the children/this restrictive life, lack of freedom etc that are annoying him - or whether it's the drinking making him less tolerant. It is actually scary writing that down, it makes me realise how warped it is! Who says that?! An A I suppose...

So my question is, because he is not drinking should I also not drink? I like to have a glass of wine or two over the weekend or a few drinks if I am out. I obviously won't drink at home if he is not. But if I go out for dinner or something like that should I be abstaining in support of him? What have others done?

Also I am under no illusions that this is a temporary fix and he will go back before long. It has become so very clear to me over these past few weeks and since reading everything on this forum and researching addiction that he is self-soothing/medicating with alcohol, weed and food and has done for years. It is so obvious now. It is actually funny that I have been trying to help/control all these years as if I had any chance of being successful. Until he addresses all the pain inside him, nothing will change. He is seeing a psychologist but I am even not sure about how that will go as he doesn't seem to have any awareness that his childhood might have something to do with his addiction problems. He sees it as being all us/this life and pressures that come with kids and a mortgage etc.

SparkleKitty

Do you what you like. If he is committed, nothing you do or don’t do will make a difference. To that end, even if he isn’t committed, nothing you do or don’t do will make a difference.

dandylion

I agree with what SparkleKitty said. The way I look at it, if my partner were on a special diet----I wouldn't be eating fried foods or chocolate cake in front of him---but, if I were at a restaurant with my friends, I would eat whatever I wanted...

Tacotuesday

I agree with the above. Being supportive at home is fine (although in my experience won’t make a lick of a difference), & do whatever you feel comfortable with when you’re on your own.

my only words of caution are that obviously he’s going to be more on edge & less tolerant of the “lack of freedom” when he’s abstaining - more so b/c in his mind it’s against his will & to prove a point to you.

Sleepyhollo

The several times my XRAH quit drinking I basically quit as well, I don’t really enjoy drinking by myself anyway. A few times he would encourage me to have a drink when out at a restaurant. I admit that when he finally went to rehab I had hit my rock bottom ( I had given him an ultimatum) we went tout for thanksgiving brunch with our kid and his 2 nieces whom we raised and I totally had a drink (he was about 7 weeks into rehab at that point) and I really didn’t care what he thought (our relationship was bad and I had pretty much quit talking to him) . At that point I had also learned that no matter what I did, drink or not, it wouldn’t make any difference to his sobriety. After he got out of rehab I continued to get a drink if we went out to dinner. Never more than one though but I felt that I shouldn’t have to change my habits just because he could not drink like a normal person. I felt I had done enough I over the years to support him and it never worked anyway so I was done making sacrifices and was done doing things for other people’s sake. And if we were at a party i would have a couple of drinks. I never drank at home unless we had a get together which at that point was rare. So long story short, I didn’t drink at home, I would if we were out. I think you do what you are comfortable with and if you are comfortable having a drink at dinner then you should not deprive yourself of that. Chances are you have deprived yourself of plenty already because of his drinking.
Also, nothing in his life is causing him to drink except himself. From the sounds of it he is not ready to quit for himself and is just doing it to please others for a while so he can say he tried. He clearly doesn’t understand addiction yet or at least is not willing to accept it.

nez

What would it hurt to abstain for say two weeks. In a year you won't even remember that you abstained for two weeks. Two weeks will probably seem like a lifetime for AH and if he is not doing anything else to pursue recovery, he probably won't make it that long. If you abstain for two weeks, you are lessening the possibilities that he can use your behavior as ammunition for his denial. E,g. "it is hard to not drink with you flaunting in his face that you can drink, so why can't he"

trailmix

Indeed they do sometimes:

• I'd be OK if it weren't for you!

The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.

Excuses Alcoholics Make

gonefishin9

I like to give a disclaimer that I am new to the forum and not a professional counselor like I think many of these wonderful folks are. But I agree with nez in this instance, what would it hurt to abstain? Personally, I hate the bad influence that my ABF has been for me. Alcohol leaves a sour taste in my mouth now. It's not good for your physical or mental health, anyways. Maybe it won't make a difference in the long term, but you will feel much better sober together because 1: he won't have that ammunition to use against you (been there, yikes), and 2: (from my own experience even recently), the relationship seems much more positive and productive when alcohol is not involved! I feel a hundred times better without a glass of wine over dinner, especially in my delicate emotional state. Abstaining has really helped me to see things more clearly, be more motivated to exercise and therefore feel positive, all important things in navigating your current situation.

gonefishin9

I wanted to add that please, try to have a positive outlook on the fact that he is seeing a psychiatrist!
I assume it has taken way too long for him to finally reach this point, so I get the frustration, but perhaps it is a good time to be the bigger person? Again? Everyone here has recommended a book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie that I just picked up at B&N yesterday. I also got "The Language of Letting Go" by the same author, because I saw some really nice quotes from it elsewhere on the forum. Here is a link that inspired me to be okay with where I am at, understanding that I am not stuck in the relationship but that I also don't have to give up yet.

soberrecovery. com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/421592-between-place.html

gonefishin9

(You will have to fix that link, I had to add a space before the .com because I don't have enough posts to link to things yet)

trailmix

Yes, that's a great thread:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...een-place.html (The In-Between Place)

That and others that are really helpful can be found at the stickies section at the top of this forum under About Recovery/Classic reading.

No, you never have to give up on anyone but I'm a big proponent of not giving up on yourself and having the life you would like to have. If that means staying, then it does, if that means leaving, then a person leaves. Some relationships are salvageable, some are just not.

CoachP

I thought I should abstain from drinking after my wife came home from rehab; the first time. She eventually started drinking again, even though I had not, so I'm not sure it matters. In my experience. And I'm certain on some level, she blamed me for starting again.

Forevertoolong

So annoyed, my AH is on day 6 of no alcohol and doing well. He hasn't experienced any physical withdrawls (I actually wonder whether he is a problem drinker as opposed to an alchoholic - my observation is that he is much more psychologically additcted than physically addicted. not sure this makes it any easier to stop?). Yesterday afternoon, one of his fellow A friends who is a really bad influence called him for a drink. He said no and told him why. Then a few hours later he gets a call from these same friends who are a few hours into drinking and they're just letting him know what he is missing out on. How can he think that is friendship? I am so mad at them although I know they don't know any better.

I haven't had a drink and won't drink around him. If I go out for dinner with the girls or something I will have a drink if I feel like it. I think that is a good balance of support and not relinquishing my own needs, which I feel I have done repeatedly in the past.

I am really apppreciating everyone's advice here!

trailmix

Maybe he isn't physically addicted, hard to know. No signs of withdrawal? He feels good, functioning as normal, no sweaty hands, shakes, irritability, moodiness, increased or lessened appetite? Trouble sleeping, anxiety or depression?

Has he ever quit before for any length of time?

Yes, there is no point at being mad at the "friends", they are (at least temporarily) losing their drinking buddy and they don't like that, that seems normal. They aren't looking out for him or his family, they are looking out for themselves.

This is from your other thread. You know boundaries and expectations and rules can all have crossover in real life, but the bottom line is boundaries are for you, not for him. So if you want him to spend time with your family and he goes to the pub instead, that may well be a boundary for you? If you choose the pub and your buddies over our family, that's not ok with me.

Ok so you have your boundary. What is a boundary without any action? It's just words. What is your boundary in that instance for example? He doesn't have to follow your boundaries, heck he doesn't even have to know what your boundaries are, that's all about you, not him. Your expectation may be that he shouldn't drink or should only go to the pub once every 2 weeks, but that's about you, not him. If you expect him to follow your boundaries, well those are just rules.

I point this out because I hear your frustration loud and clear. The beauty of boundaries is that you can drop those frustrations and expectations. If your boundary is - my Husband should only drink casually, once a month, that's fine, but he doesn't have to live up to that. What follows that? "or we will leave", or "he has to leave" or "I will do nothing", that's up to you. What is the consequence for someone trampling your boundaries?

Forevertoolong

Yes he’s functioning normally, no physical withdrawals. Is irritable but that’s nothing new- that’s a big part of our issues, that he’s often grumpy/irritable with the kids. He’s never given up before - the most would be 2-3 days between drinks.

He says he feels like our marriage is so damaged. He feels it started before our first child when I was talking kids and he wasn’t ready. Apparently I said “you’ll never be ready so we may as well try as it could take a while”. He feels I talked him into kids. He also didn’t want a third and I was adamant I wasn’t done - we were still talking about it when I fell pregnant accidentally when our baby was only 9 months. I was shocked and devastated as I wasn’t ready- my second baby had just finished breast feeding and I was on mini-pill.

He says after that he felt like his only purpose was to bring in money, that he was suddenly very low on the priority list.

says life shouldn’t be all about kids (our kids are still young it’s hard not to be!). Also im
too soft I need to correct their behaviour more and be more militant like him. I pointed out that style of parenting works short term but long term it actually damages your connection with kids. He just doesn’t want to hear it.

he says he loves me but just doesn’t know if we can parent together. Our kids are awesome - the school our friends and family etc all mention it. His expectations are completely unrealistic. he grew up with a mother with ocpd and was/is super intolerant and anal of kids noise/mess etc. Ruled with an iron fist. It’s just so opposite to my values system.

I just don’t know where to from here. I’m not even sure what our main issue is! I’m so confused.

PeacefulWater12

Everything he is saying is bog standard alkie b/s. Quacking as it is called here. There is no main issue, that is why you are confused. It is all b/s. There is no sense to it. He is putting himself in victim role which supports his denial of his drinking issues.

Also YOU did not become pregnant on your own. It takes two people. He was one of them.

I encourage you to put you and your children first and do what is best for you. Sending best wishes to you.

nikegoddess112

Working a 12 step recovery program via Al-Anon has been an amazing experience for me. As I allow my own recovery from this family disease of alcoholism (alcoholism hurts more people beyond the alcoholic), I'm also able to allow creativity, imagination, playfulness and joy throughout healthy relationships.

Being among people who've been through this and rebuilt lives is spectacular.

The Al-Anon web site has more info and often links to local resources.

dandylion

Forever------From where I sit, and. from what you share, it sounds to me that core issues are a basic incompatability combined with active alcoholism. Parenthood (or not) is a huge issue in a marriage and is one that needs a lot of exploration and agreement prior to commitment. And, or course, alcoholism can tear any marriage apart as it progresses.
In my first marriage, I divorced my husband---the father of my three young children---in great part because of his childrearing approaches. His approach was sooo different from mine. He didn't abuse them or dislike them---but, he was just so unable to comprehend what children needed or understand anything about child development---he just seemed to lack a "parenting gene".
There were other issues, also---like the fact that he criticized every about me, all of the time. He was such a jerk---and,all of these years later, I still hear, through the grapevine, that he hasn't changes one molecule. (we haven't spoken for years and years). I don't regret my decision---and the children---now, adult, have said to me that they were so glad that they didn't have to grow up in his house. I din't ever bad -mouth him---the kids came to that conclusion, on their own, over time.
I will add, that, with my second husband---several years later---we were very compatible and made a very happy marriage. My children loved him. (he passed very suddenly at a young age).
I think that a competent therapist could help you to sort out your issues.

Maddoxcruz

I feel as if I went through similar issues with my bf. He literally is jealous of the children. My kids adore me and will grab onto me. He hates it. He tells me the children ruined our relationship I feel it stayed the same. My bf says that he has no freedom. Well I’m sorry you wanted a child so you have to watch the children and care for them on your time off. If he needs a sitter he can pay.

My partner is in detox currently and will be sent to rehab after if they decide. I’m already annoyed with somethings but I know to try and let it go bc I allowed all of this for these years. I am an enabler and I have been putting my foot down.

that’s all we can really do. Draw a line for what you will tolerate and then remember he controls his own actions.

FWN

Our AHs are so similar, FSL. You are where I was a year ago. Nothing he says matters, truly it doesn’t. Not a word, most of its complete BS. Anything to take the pressure and spot light off him, especially if it makes you question yourself and your situation and if it’s something you can do or somehow your fault.
What happened to him going in spending 10 days in a hotel? A week away from my AH last summer completely changed my outlook on my life and how I felt when he wasn’t in it. Figure out how to get him away and focus on how YOU feel.
Watch his ACTIONS, ignore his words. Only what he does matters.
Your eyes are opening. Keep posting here and listening/watching him through the lense of this new information. You’ll see you are just being played. When I had that ah ha moment listening to his BS, blaming me, kids, work, life, I got furious because I felt like someone who just found out they’d been cheated on. It’s the same feeling.