How do you communicate?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
How do you communicate?
My AH started drinking again and has quit his business partnership with this person, so he is out of work. We had another fight about the drinking, and he's stopped again (he's lying). I screamed at him to find somewhere else to live, blah, blah...but, all said in the heat of anger, so we have never had a conversation yet. He came home last night bearing gifts, and in a great mood, but I smelled beer. So, now - he has been going to his parents every day doing remodeling on their house...that's all I know. I don't know if he is planning on looking for a job, if he's going to get real help for his drinking, if he is planning to start his own company...I even had sent him our finances to review, and he hasn't said anything about that! I never know anything, and if I ask - he gets defensive and shuts down and waves me away. It drives me crazy.... is anyone elses marriage like this? If not, how do you handle this? He keeps telling me I have major communication issues, and I believed that for a long time....but, now I don't think it's me. It's impossible to talk to him about anything of substance... that has to do with us or our future. He says it's none of my business sometimes too when I ask - he thinks if he just pays his share of expenses, it doesn't matter what he does. This is so dysfunctional and weird...the most uncomfortable life. Is this me being codependent, wanting to know what his life plan is? Wouldn't this just be being a normal married person who talks about things with her husband?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
But you're dealing with an alcoholic, hon.
Remeber that what he says about you is often what he is thinking about himself i.e about being a poor communicator. I can't know how you are in your relationship with your husband, but I can tell you that from your posts on here that your have a great ability to communicate openly, honestly and thoughtfully.
Maybe it's time to figure out your life plan, rather than worrying about his?
Remeber that what he says about you is often what he is thinking about himself i.e about being a poor communicator. I can't know how you are in your relationship with your husband, but I can tell you that from your posts on here that your have a great ability to communicate openly, honestly and thoughtfully.
Maybe it's time to figure out your life plan, rather than worrying about his?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gaithersburg, MD
Posts: 19
Minnie is so right. Your AH is an adult, with adult responsibilities. Since he is choosing to ignore those responsibilities in favor of the booze, you are left holding the bag. Fun, huh? Been there, done that. Peaches, you seem like you have your act together. If he won't get his together, you may be better off without him -- you will absolutely be better off without him if he continues to drink and blame you for his problems. You are expecting him to act like a normal person, and he's not. I'm sorry, but it's the truth.
Like Minnie said, you need to work on your OWN life plan -- and part of that that may just involve asking him to leave, or leaving yourself. Are you ready for that?
Like Minnie said, you need to work on your OWN life plan -- and part of that that may just involve asking him to leave, or leaving yourself. Are you ready for that?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
peaches - my ah and i don't really communicate that often on things that i think are normal, married people subjects either. unfortunately, i think my problem IS a combination of me not being able to communicate AND the brick wall i encounter sometimes from the ah. (maybe that helps precipitate the inability to communicate on my part?) i tend to be able to put my thoughts down better in writing for whatever reason (no retort maybe?) i feel for you and know where you are coming from. like minnie said - we have to remember who we are dealing with - an a!
take care and hang in there!
take care and hang in there!
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Peaches,
At some point you will need to know what is costs to live. How much housing, car, insurance, cable, etc. really costs so you have the details. We're back to that issue of F.E.A.R. (Frustration, Ego, Anxiety and Resentment).
I've attached the worksheet that I used when I got seperated to help me get a real perspective on where I was and what I needed to cover my expenses. Try to bring the focus back to Peaches. She deserves all the energy you've got!
You'll figure it out. You're in my thougths.
Petunia
At some point you will need to know what is costs to live. How much housing, car, insurance, cable, etc. really costs so you have the details. We're back to that issue of F.E.A.R. (Frustration, Ego, Anxiety and Resentment).
I've attached the worksheet that I used when I got seperated to help me get a real perspective on where I was and what I needed to cover my expenses. Try to bring the focus back to Peaches. She deserves all the energy you've got!
You'll figure it out. You're in my thougths.
Petunia
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gaithersburg, MD
Posts: 19
Petunia, what a great, practical thing to bring up!
I am employed as a family law paralegal and deal with many financial statements for divorcing couples. I have found that many women whose husbands always paid the bills had little to no idea of what their household expenses and other financial obligations really consisted of. Consequently, they were inordinately fearful of going out on their own. It may be hard to get started, but it is very rewarding, not to mention necessary, to finally see it all in black and white.
I am employed as a family law paralegal and deal with many financial statements for divorcing couples. I have found that many women whose husbands always paid the bills had little to no idea of what their household expenses and other financial obligations really consisted of. Consequently, they were inordinately fearful of going out on their own. It may be hard to get started, but it is very rewarding, not to mention necessary, to finally see it all in black and white.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Thanks everyone for responding...I was starting to feel like I am the only one who has this issue with communicating. Hopeful2 - you nailed it on the head, since he is ignoring the resonsibilities, I'm the one left holding the bag! And I am angry and resentful...I had let it go a couple of months ago, but got it back 
I am thinking very hard about my life plan - I don't see him in it. I just find it so uncomfortable? and dysfunctional that I can't even get an answer about what he plans to do...especially when we have 2 kids! Minnie, I think you are right too about him - I really think he just doesn't KNOW how to communicate. I think he is so afraid of who he really is that he can even admit things to himself.
Petunia, thank you for the budget file...that was so very kind. I'm very blessed in that I don't have to worry about money - I make a lot, but am tired of spending it all on covering everything and him making me feel guilty about anything I buy for me. He acts like i'm some prima donna who just got lucky. Forget that I've worked my arse off to get where I am. He thinks he's had all the bad breaks in life, woe is him...and I've just gotten where I am through luck. A big problem too is that his parents are very wealthy, and they enable him like I have NEVER seen before - it blows my mind!
We have our marriage counseling session next Thursday - maybe I can hang on for 7 days and then we can discuss this in that session. I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to do it (ie, tell him I want divorce if this is how it's going to be).
I am thinking very hard about my life plan - I don't see him in it. I just find it so uncomfortable? and dysfunctional that I can't even get an answer about what he plans to do...especially when we have 2 kids! Minnie, I think you are right too about him - I really think he just doesn't KNOW how to communicate. I think he is so afraid of who he really is that he can even admit things to himself. Petunia, thank you for the budget file...that was so very kind. I'm very blessed in that I don't have to worry about money - I make a lot, but am tired of spending it all on covering everything and him making me feel guilty about anything I buy for me. He acts like i'm some prima donna who just got lucky. Forget that I've worked my arse off to get where I am. He thinks he's had all the bad breaks in life, woe is him...and I've just gotten where I am through luck. A big problem too is that his parents are very wealthy, and they enable him like I have NEVER seen before - it blows my mind!
We have our marriage counseling session next Thursday - maybe I can hang on for 7 days and then we can discuss this in that session. I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to do it (ie, tell him I want divorce if this is how it's going to be).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Petunia - I looked at your sample budget...thanks again!!! I had given my AH a budget last week and told him how much I expected him to contribute, but in looking at yours I realize there are things I forgot...like medical insurance and house insurance. Thanks!
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
Just like it.
My heart goes out to you.
It's normal what you're going thur.
unfortunately alki/addict arn't normal, which is normal and wierd.
here's a joke ,but so true.
Q; How dose an al-anon have sex with an alki?
A; detach and let them screw themself.
The more I try to reason or communicate with my other half.
The sicker I got. It further esculate the insanity.
At some piont it's used as an excuse for the alki to go do what they do.
It's your fault, you made me do it, I did it becuase you where mean,
If you were nice to me I wouldn't have done what I've done.
I did it just to get away from you. You don't love me.
You're controlling me. Sound familar ?
"If I could control you, I'd make you stop a long time ago".
They don't see it this way for some stupid reason.
communicating for help or what to do has to come from an outside
source. Direct communication of anything of substance is a waste
of time and energy, as you found out.
Don't blame yourself for something you have no control over.
Focus on yourself.
Love yourself first and formost
Try to find your own happiness.
Hang out with friends
Lower your expectations of what your husband should do or be.
Try to remember his good qulities and re focus on that.
Let go and let god
We seperated for almost 90 days.
It was an opportunity for me to find out who I was or get myself back.
It was also an opportunity for me to emotionally detached.
It was also time I needed to heal from all the CRAP
It was also an opportunity for me to do an inventory
It was also an opportunity for me to have a relationship with GOD again.
I read LOVE is a chioce, it help me get a better understanding
of co-dependent
BTW, i'm also a recovery alki/addict.
That didn't helped me with my other half.
The help has to come from someone outside of the relationship.
My heart goes out to you.
It's normal what you're going thur.
unfortunately alki/addict arn't normal, which is normal and wierd.
here's a joke ,but so true.
Q; How dose an al-anon have sex with an alki?
A; detach and let them screw themself.
The more I try to reason or communicate with my other half.
The sicker I got. It further esculate the insanity.
At some piont it's used as an excuse for the alki to go do what they do.
It's your fault, you made me do it, I did it becuase you where mean,
If you were nice to me I wouldn't have done what I've done.
I did it just to get away from you. You don't love me.
You're controlling me. Sound familar ?
"If I could control you, I'd make you stop a long time ago".
They don't see it this way for some stupid reason.
communicating for help or what to do has to come from an outside
source. Direct communication of anything of substance is a waste
of time and energy, as you found out.
Don't blame yourself for something you have no control over.
Focus on yourself.
Love yourself first and formost
Try to find your own happiness.
Hang out with friends
Lower your expectations of what your husband should do or be.
Try to remember his good qulities and re focus on that.
Let go and let god
We seperated for almost 90 days.
It was an opportunity for me to find out who I was or get myself back.
It was also an opportunity for me to emotionally detached.
It was also time I needed to heal from all the CRAP
It was also an opportunity for me to do an inventory
It was also an opportunity for me to have a relationship with GOD again.
I read LOVE is a chioce, it help me get a better understanding
of co-dependent
BTW, i'm also a recovery alki/addict.
That didn't helped me with my other half.
The help has to come from someone outside of the relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Thank you nutz! I'm trying so hard to not blame myself, but my AH has just said that for soooo long, and I did have a dysfunctional family growing up - that I actually believed it to be true. I still would if I hadn't started my recovery, and thought back and realized that alot of old boyfriends, etc...might have plenty to say about me (haha) - but, none would say I'm a bad communicator. This bloody marriage has just gotten me so confused about myself. But, I also think that if I was a good communicator this would have stopped long ago... who knows! Maybe I'm a good communicator, but struggle with what I need to communicate, ie. what I need or want and what is acceptable to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Very good point Minnie. He doesn't want to hear what I say. That goes back to an old post of mine when I mentioned that I say things 100 different ways to him, each time he crosses a boundary because I think he didn't understand the first time. At least that is one thing I'll not do again.
Laugh, Smile, & Be Happy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 36
I go through this problem with my AH as well. When he was clean for 30 days he was very open and honest and WANTED to communicate (it was wonderful!). Now that he's using again he's closed himself back up into his shell of guilt, shame, and failure and there's no penetrating that... and believe me I've tried.
I have no advice but I sure can sympathize.
I have no advice but I sure can sympathize.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I used to blame myself too, because I thought it was me that couldn't communicate (as my AH told me many, many times). So I took a few classes in communicating with your spouse (he refused to go with me because it was supposedly MY problem) and have read quite a few books on the subject of communication (including two college classes on communication) and tried all of that advice. I went to a counselor who told me I wasn't being assertive enough, so I became more assertive. I worked like a dog trying to get him to understand me and communicate with me. Still I blamed myself. I kept thinking "what is wrong with ME." It wasn't until I went to a second counselor (one more knowledgable in cases like mine) that I started to look at my AH and realize that I was the one doing all of the communicating. But, I might as well have been talking to a brick. I also started to realize the he had been blaming me for the communication problem (as he blamed me for everything else) so I would focus on myself and question what was wrong with ME and that would take my attention off of the real problem--him. It is always easier for the alcoholic to blame the spouse (or significant other) because then they do not have to look at themselves and take responsibility for anything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Blondie - that's it! He is so good at manipulating me - I always end up focusing on me and what I said wrong, or how I should have said it... this is the one area that is so tiring for me. This is one of the things that just makes me want to give up...it shouldnt be so hard to ask someone a question and just get an answer.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
most of them are good at manipulating but there are some, like my ah, who are EXTREMELY adept at turning the tables so quickly that you do begin to doubt yourself, analyzing how you said what you said....arghhhhh!!! peaches i feel your frustration - i had almost the same thought last week - why should i have to work soooo darn hard at life (or it seems to be that way).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: White Cloud, MI
Posts: 1
Peaches,
I have the similar prolem, he just doesn't want to hear nor does he care about what I say. He is only concerned with doing what he wants when he wants no matter what he does to hurt anyone else, including his children. We have been separated for almost a month. His claims are he is not happy in our home(mostly because I object to his 7 days a week drinking)He also claims that I have gained to much weight and that i dont turn him on anymore. His honestly litterally has torn me apart. The frustrating part is I am obsessively in love with him and don't know how to let go. We were married nearly 20 years ago, one month after I graduated from highschool. He has been half my life, and even though his drinking makes me miserable I am not sure I can live without it. Reading many of these threads and posts, I begin to get encouragement. I think I needed to here from others who have been through some of what i have been through. I dont feel so hopeless knowing others have gotten through the impossibilites and are finding life outside of the alcholoics world. Does this make any sense, or does it just sound like rambling. I am learning that alcholics numer one problem is communication.
I have the similar prolem, he just doesn't want to hear nor does he care about what I say. He is only concerned with doing what he wants when he wants no matter what he does to hurt anyone else, including his children. We have been separated for almost a month. His claims are he is not happy in our home(mostly because I object to his 7 days a week drinking)He also claims that I have gained to much weight and that i dont turn him on anymore. His honestly litterally has torn me apart. The frustrating part is I am obsessively in love with him and don't know how to let go. We were married nearly 20 years ago, one month after I graduated from highschool. He has been half my life, and even though his drinking makes me miserable I am not sure I can live without it. Reading many of these threads and posts, I begin to get encouragement. I think I needed to here from others who have been through some of what i have been through. I dont feel so hopeless knowing others have gotten through the impossibilites and are finding life outside of the alcholoics world. Does this make any sense, or does it just sound like rambling. I am learning that alcholics numer one problem is communication.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi babee! yes, it makes perfect sense! I wouldn't listen to his claims about you gaining too much weight...that's just a good way to take the focus off him. Worst case scenario - if that's how he feels, then good riddance. Every time I fight with my AH about his drinking, he tells me how unhappy he's been the last 5 years because of me. He sure doesn't act like it though when he's drunk and happy and I'm not complaining - you'd think he was the luckiest man in the world. But, boy, if I bring up anything wrong with him, all the sudden I've become the most horrible person in the world to endure for all these years. Another thing you just made me think of is that when I say anything to him about his drinking...his first retort USED to be "well, it's no worse than drinking cokes and eating sh*** like you do!". This worked on me for a long time, and then one day I realized it was just a way to change the focus to me, and make me start thinking I had a problem. It's just nonsense. It's just a way to make us start second guessing ourselves. It all seems so cliche reading everyone's post - so many of us are going through the exact same thing in one way, shape, or form.
My AH and I went to highschool together too... I thought the first time we met out with friends that he was the 'one' for me. I've held on to that belief for years. If someone asked me why I married him, my honest answer would be that I thought I was supposed to. But, really - maybe I was - because I sure am learning alot about myself and my own defects. But, I'm getting emmotionally healthier every day. The people on these boards provide so much wisdom and support!!!
My AH and I went to highschool together too... I thought the first time we met out with friends that he was the 'one' for me. I've held on to that belief for years. If someone asked me why I married him, my honest answer would be that I thought I was supposed to. But, really - maybe I was - because I sure am learning alot about myself and my own defects. But, I'm getting emmotionally healthier every day. The people on these boards provide so much wisdom and support!!!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Peaches,
I stopped expecting Mr Magic to communicate well with me when he was using. I also learned to trust my gut. I didn't need him to tell me things I already knew. I was able to develop this with the help of my sponsor.
Yes, it would be nice if things weren't hard, and life was as I deemed it to be. But learning to deal with life on life's terms is better than wishing it were different, and feeling sorry for myself.
I still expressed my opinions. I just stopped expecting them to change the way things were.I was extremely clumsy with the tools of Al-Anon when I first started trying to use them. I continually made mistakes. But that is why it is so important for us to be gentle with ourself. I wouldn't beat up a baby for falling when it was learning to walk. But I'd beat myself senseless for not being perfect.
It is tiring. It is hard. But it is worth the struggle to have serenity. Hugs, Magic
I stopped expecting Mr Magic to communicate well with me when he was using. I also learned to trust my gut. I didn't need him to tell me things I already knew. I was able to develop this with the help of my sponsor.
Yes, it would be nice if things weren't hard, and life was as I deemed it to be. But learning to deal with life on life's terms is better than wishing it were different, and feeling sorry for myself.
I still expressed my opinions. I just stopped expecting them to change the way things were.I was extremely clumsy with the tools of Al-Anon when I first started trying to use them. I continually made mistakes. But that is why it is so important for us to be gentle with ourself. I wouldn't beat up a baby for falling when it was learning to walk. But I'd beat myself senseless for not being perfect.
It is tiring. It is hard. But it is worth the struggle to have serenity. Hugs, Magic
CS WILL Make It!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Summit, NJ
Posts: 1
Hello everyone,
I'm so glad to find this site. Do you ever wish as you're reading posts that you could just gather everyone up in a cozy room and just share and comfort each other? Wow.
Cowohio, my A too is very good at turning things around. He's EXTREMELY intelligent too (no exaggeration here - I date a genius), so it seems like he's even faster than the average bear. It happens so fast that it's like hit-n-run. They pin you against the wall so quickly (meaning with verbal manipulation, not physically) that you're speechless, then you lose your train of thought, then we fall into an emotional tailspin because we don't know what to do or say next, and we all know this never helps anything. At that point nothing else needs to be said because they've shut us off to avoid any "drama", or potential drama, and we've shut ourselves down emotionally and can't rationalize well. All you can think in your head is "I KNOW we can sort this thing out somehow", and you try your hardest to calm things down and be rational and make sense, but at this point everything that's rolling out of our mouth can be such a mess that we DO sound like we can't communicate, even when we really can. What a maddening cycle this can be.
Yup, I too spent a lot of time researching my own communication methods as well, and I discovered that I had my own flaws l needed to work on, all stemming from the way my mother communicated with me, which was she didn't. However, I'm still together enough where I can communicate and rationalize reasonably, so I was very relieved to learn it really wasn't all me.
The hardest thing I have had to learn is how to have compassion for my A and stop yelling and beating him verbally with my frustration. Whole heartedly and truly accepting and understanding that alcohol is a symptom, not the cause, is a big part of healing. Our poor A's, they're really good, loving people, they're just a little lost. Unfortunately, they will only get help when THEY are ready, not one second sooner. Even when they say those sweet words we long for, "I'm going to stop", or "I can't do this anymore", or "I want to stop", it will not happen until THEY are ready. it's not our choice, it's theirs.
Anyone see Robert Downey Jr. on Oprah last week? he made a pretty profound statement... "Quitting (drinking and drugs) is not really the hard part, making the decision to do it is." I neither agree or disagree with this, but what an impacting statement.
Nutz, you said a couple of days ago that you separated for 90 days. Are you back with your A now? I'm curious, how did you push through not going crazy thinking about your partner? This is where I am now. My A is trying, again, to get clean. He has been sober for almost 2 weeks now, but we're not spending time together like we used to. We spoke on the phone today and he said he wanted to relax, be mellow, stay sober, do some work on his on-line business/website, go to church and spend the weekend alone. He wanted to get in his groove and wanted me to get in mine. He said to me several times to go and have a great weekend, be happy, go to church, and we'll talk next week. He was calm, but I know all he wanted was for me to simply say o.k., but I couldn't get the words out. Having been in the alcohol war with him for 3 years, I know what he's going through. All that was running through my head is the times he's quit before and has asked me to please help him get through it. I have been by his side supporting, comforting, and doing what I can to help keep him healthy. We've been in this phase before and I say to myself over and over what I know is right, which is that I HAVE to let him go and let him find his way on his own. I HAVE to, I have NO choice in the matter. Even though his words of "you bring me so much comfort and peace" ring through my head, the greatest thing I can do is honor and respect his wish, and trust and pray for him. Buuuuuuut... it is so darn hard to be without my very best friend, especially when all the single women my age (39) are married, attached, with children, etc. No one is around to help keep me distracted (my family is back home in California - I've been here 5 years). I live either in the gym or at work, but I can't continue to do that, I'm exhausted. I was going to Al-Anon, but starting finding that after many, many, MANY meetings I had got what I needed out of it and it wasn't really for me anymore. It was great, don't get me wrong, but it's not a forum I'm interested in now.
Anyone... how do you pass the time, get through the days/nights??? Particularly anyone that, like me, doesn't really have any circle of friends or family around. My head's in the right place, I HAVE to let him try to help himself, but how do I get myself over the hump of loneliness for my companion/best friend and the thought that I can't hold him and comfort him while he gets through this?
I could go on, but I'm sure by now someone out there understands totally what I'm talking about.
God bless... Sue
I'm so glad to find this site. Do you ever wish as you're reading posts that you could just gather everyone up in a cozy room and just share and comfort each other? Wow.
Cowohio, my A too is very good at turning things around. He's EXTREMELY intelligent too (no exaggeration here - I date a genius), so it seems like he's even faster than the average bear. It happens so fast that it's like hit-n-run. They pin you against the wall so quickly (meaning with verbal manipulation, not physically) that you're speechless, then you lose your train of thought, then we fall into an emotional tailspin because we don't know what to do or say next, and we all know this never helps anything. At that point nothing else needs to be said because they've shut us off to avoid any "drama", or potential drama, and we've shut ourselves down emotionally and can't rationalize well. All you can think in your head is "I KNOW we can sort this thing out somehow", and you try your hardest to calm things down and be rational and make sense, but at this point everything that's rolling out of our mouth can be such a mess that we DO sound like we can't communicate, even when we really can. What a maddening cycle this can be.
Yup, I too spent a lot of time researching my own communication methods as well, and I discovered that I had my own flaws l needed to work on, all stemming from the way my mother communicated with me, which was she didn't. However, I'm still together enough where I can communicate and rationalize reasonably, so I was very relieved to learn it really wasn't all me.
The hardest thing I have had to learn is how to have compassion for my A and stop yelling and beating him verbally with my frustration. Whole heartedly and truly accepting and understanding that alcohol is a symptom, not the cause, is a big part of healing. Our poor A's, they're really good, loving people, they're just a little lost. Unfortunately, they will only get help when THEY are ready, not one second sooner. Even when they say those sweet words we long for, "I'm going to stop", or "I can't do this anymore", or "I want to stop", it will not happen until THEY are ready. it's not our choice, it's theirs.
Anyone see Robert Downey Jr. on Oprah last week? he made a pretty profound statement... "Quitting (drinking and drugs) is not really the hard part, making the decision to do it is." I neither agree or disagree with this, but what an impacting statement.
Nutz, you said a couple of days ago that you separated for 90 days. Are you back with your A now? I'm curious, how did you push through not going crazy thinking about your partner? This is where I am now. My A is trying, again, to get clean. He has been sober for almost 2 weeks now, but we're not spending time together like we used to. We spoke on the phone today and he said he wanted to relax, be mellow, stay sober, do some work on his on-line business/website, go to church and spend the weekend alone. He wanted to get in his groove and wanted me to get in mine. He said to me several times to go and have a great weekend, be happy, go to church, and we'll talk next week. He was calm, but I know all he wanted was for me to simply say o.k., but I couldn't get the words out. Having been in the alcohol war with him for 3 years, I know what he's going through. All that was running through my head is the times he's quit before and has asked me to please help him get through it. I have been by his side supporting, comforting, and doing what I can to help keep him healthy. We've been in this phase before and I say to myself over and over what I know is right, which is that I HAVE to let him go and let him find his way on his own. I HAVE to, I have NO choice in the matter. Even though his words of "you bring me so much comfort and peace" ring through my head, the greatest thing I can do is honor and respect his wish, and trust and pray for him. Buuuuuuut... it is so darn hard to be without my very best friend, especially when all the single women my age (39) are married, attached, with children, etc. No one is around to help keep me distracted (my family is back home in California - I've been here 5 years). I live either in the gym or at work, but I can't continue to do that, I'm exhausted. I was going to Al-Anon, but starting finding that after many, many, MANY meetings I had got what I needed out of it and it wasn't really for me anymore. It was great, don't get me wrong, but it's not a forum I'm interested in now.
Anyone... how do you pass the time, get through the days/nights??? Particularly anyone that, like me, doesn't really have any circle of friends or family around. My head's in the right place, I HAVE to let him try to help himself, but how do I get myself over the hump of loneliness for my companion/best friend and the thought that I can't hold him and comfort him while he gets through this?
I could go on, but I'm sure by now someone out there understands totally what I'm talking about.
God bless... Sue
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