Ameliarosie

I’ve been with my ABF almost 4 years. He was a daily drinker (8-12 drinks a day) since way before I ever met him. Amazingly, I didn’t even know until we were living together. There have been many broken promises of getting help but nothing happens. And since quarantine has kept us in the house together for 3 months now, I’m seeing more of what I think is his real personality, and am at the end of my rope.

Tonight really put me on edge. I get chronic migraines and have one today. I hid it for most of the day because he generally complains when I get them, but couldn’t after a while. I was supposed to make dinner but felt too sick to do it. He cooked, but only for himself (I’m vegetarian and he’s not—and he hates that I am one), and asked me if I was going to make anything for myself. No offer of making me anything. And since for some reason he refuses to walk the dog, I went out and did that too. When I came back, I quietly said that I wish he would have offered to help me tonight by walking the dog or offering to make me food. He said that if I ate meat he would have made me dinner and that he’s never walked the dog before so why would he now (she’s my dog from before we got together)? Then he told me he was annoyed with me that I didn’t make dinner (because I felt too sick) and that I didn’t listen to a song with him earlier (music is terrible for my migraines and I told him I’d hear it tomorrow when I felt better). Then he went back to whatever thing he was doing on his phone. I got a little mad at that point as he’s obsessed with his phone and can’t put it down, and I said “ok well enjoy whatever’s on your phone, since that always seems more important than our relationship.” His response was that I’m annoying and he should record me so I can hear how annoying I sound. At that point I just left the room.

So my question is, how can I separate the man from the alcoholic? Should i even try? And even if I could separate the two, how long can I stand being treated meanly before I’ve had enough? I’ll admit I don’t have good self esteem and am a bit afraid to leave as there’s part of me that thinks I’ll die alone if I do. I was married before, to a different kind of addict, and I don’t know if it’s worth it to stay.

I’m so exhausted by all this. I’m tired of trying to express my needs and feelings and just getting shot down, insulted, or blown off. Intellectually, I don’t see a reason to stay. But the fear of being alone and once again being the odd one out in my family who doesn’t have a partner fills me with existential dread.

SparkleKitty

Here’s the thing: you don’t have a partner *now.* And as long as you stay with someone with untreated alcoholism, you won’t.

Right now I would say that figuring whether it’s him or the alcohol is not as relevant as accepting that this is who he is. Since he has made no move towards recovery, this is what you can reasonably expect In the future—and worse, since addiction is progressive if left untreated. You may think of yourself as being in a relationship with him, but he is in a relationship with alcohol.

I also get migraines, and completely understand how challenging they are. You deserve, at the bare minimum, a partner who does, too. Also one who doesn’t resent you for being a vegetarian (???) and is happy to take the dog out whenever necessary.

dandylion

Amelia-------it is impossible to separate the man from the alcoholic. Even if it were---he sounds like he is intoxicated all of the time---with 6-8 drinks per day. He would either be drunk or in midst of a hangover, all of the time. It is a lonely existence, living with a practicing alcoholic. I hate to say it like this---but, have you considered the possibility that he could die before you---given that the body reaches it's limits and begins to break down after years of that much heavy drinking.
Even a good roommate can be more comforting to live with than an alcoholic who is given to be abusive. He does sound abusive, to me----keeping in mind that there are many kinds of abuse besides being physically hit.
That you feel that you have to live with such abuse, makes me feel very sad for you. That you feel that your family would rather that you live in abuse and unhappiness in order to think well of you. If a person's family puts more importance on social image than the value of the person, themselves, it would make sense that they would grow up to have low self esteem.
I guarantee that you were not born with low self esteem----I suspect that the seeds for low self esteem were planted in your growing up years.
I used to work in neurology and saw a lot of migraine sufferers. I know what kind of excruciating pain that a migraine can be. It makes me angry that anyone would trivialize that kind of suffering in a person.

I know it may be difficult for you to consider your own needs, but, I think it would be a good idea to devote a couple of years to attending to yourself---to your own self exploration and inner development. We can help steer you in that direction, if you are interested, at all. Lol---please raise your hand, if you would like our help------

SmallButMighty

Ameliarosie, I'm sorry are going through this stuff with your "partner". I put the word "partner" in parentheses because it doesn't sound to me like your guy is being much of a team player. One of the most valuable things about being part of a couple is to be able to lean on the other for support when needed. It really sucks when things are mainly one sided. I know this all too well as I was married to an alcoholic for more that two decades. It's painful and frustrating to have a spouse be disrespectful like that. (Exhausting and infuriating too!)

I agree with Sparklekitty, it doesn't really matter WHY he is being a jerk..the fact is he is being one. My alcoholic ex husband could be sweet as pie when drunk and horribly miserable when sober, or the other way around, it was hard to ever know HOW he would be given any situation on any given day, he was just so darn unpredictable. The alcoholism had not only changed his personality, it had changed the way his brain worked, and it wasn't for the better. I used to feel like you did, like there was sober him and drunk him and that those were two separate "hims".... but that's a not accurate. He is who is is... all parts of him rolled into one single human being. It was pointless to think of him in any other way. I had to decide if I could accept living the rest of my life with him, as he was, also knowing his addiction would progress. For me, the answer was that I would rather be truly alone than feeling lonely with in my marriage.

You deserve better, but of course only you can decided if or when enough is enough. When I look back now, I wish I hadn't allowed myself to be disrespected for as long as I did. Love is an action, and my ex would say he loved me...but then DO things that seemed very counter to that. It's very difficult to live under a cloud like that.

I wish for you strength and clarity going forward, no matter what you decide.

Hopeworks

A wise poster said : “you can squeeze the alcohol out of an asshat and then all you have left is a sober asshat”....

we desperately want to believe extracting alcohol alcohol is the happy ending when it opens the door to finding out Alcohol was only a huge red flag!

narcisdism, personality disorder or an extreme asshattiness may be all that’s left to blame...

Amaranth

So my question is, how can I separate the man from the alcoholic? Should i even try?

I'm really good at separating the man from the alcoholic. Thing is every time I think I'm dealing with the man, the alcoholic sneaks back in and takes over. The man has gone long before I realise it and I feel nothing but frustration, despair and dissappointment. At the moment I'm waiting for the man to find me and guess what? He hasn't. And the alcoholic is laughing because he's got it all his own way.....again.

Michsm

Let me make sure I understand , you are sick and your partner cannot cook you dinner, walk the dog and wants you to listen to a song? What is your definition of a partner or better yet what do you want in a partner? Sounds like you are already emotionally alone in the relationship so why put up with it? I think you need to find out why you are attracted to addicts so that you can break that cycle and be with someone who respects you and will be there for you.

thequest

Alot of those on drugs or alcohol are simply showing their true colors. The substance lowers impulse control as much as it manufactures the behavior. What many won't talk about or act on the alcoholic will. That's why things like boundaries are so important because until stopped or challenged it's about their own gratification/urges.

Simple tasks like walking a dog or preparing dinner in planned out conscientious fashion are difficult for the alcoholic because it's about their instant and continuous gratification. If they don't feel like walking the dog they don't feel like walking the dog even if it's their responsibility or is the right/fair thing to do for you and the dog. That's the thing the sober person will accept the fact certain things have to be done and they must do it. The alcoholic won't or can't.

Unfortunately sounds like he put on a show for your affection but alcoholics are good at fooling people because they work at 24/7 to cover their habit. I've seen alcoholics who refuse to clean for themselves. They only wear clean clothes and shower to deflect from their drinking and drugging..

pizza67

I think I will have that tattooed on my forehead

Zevin

Is it the alcohol or is he just a nasty person?
Sounds like both are major flaws for him.