Do I need to kick him out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
Do I need to kick him out
Hi
I am new here and really wish I didn’t have to be here.
My husband and I have been married 11 years with 3 children. He has always been a binge drinker. We drank together a lot in the early days of our relationship but I settled down once kids came along- he never did.
I have often felt that we come second to booze, this has been such a lonely feeling over time. It’s a long story so I’ll just tell you some of the stand out incidents and events that have led me here:
• when pregnant with my first child went out drinking and on benders a lot, kept saying it was because it was “his last hurrah”
• when he had his wisdom teeth out and was on strong pain killers, came home and drank and got so messy due to the painkillers interacting with the grog (we had a 2 year old and a baby)
• after a family lunch at his brothers, wouldn’t come home with me at 6pm because he wanted to keep drinking with dad and brother. I was early pregnant with our third and absolutely exhausted and had a 3 and 1 year old to have to deal with. He let me take them home and he stayed the night at his brothers and got wasted
• After a lovely Christmas Day coming home around 7pm he decided he wanted to keep drinking. I asked him if we could just keep Christmas a family day. He didn’t care he called a mate who cane over they sat in shed drinking til 2am.
• He was made redundant on our daughters second birthday. He came home at lunchtime unexpectedly when I had some family around to see our daughter. He said he had a taxi waiting out the front as he was going out to lunch with his ex-colleagues to commiserate. I said ok but can you come home early as we wil have cake again for her birthday. He got home at 2am so missed his daughters birthday cake celebration. When I was upset he said “she won’t remember” Always makes me feel i am over reacting
• On our sons first communion day after the small afternoon party having had a lovely day, he was drunk. He didn’t want to stop drinking so called up a mate and went around there til midnight drinking and smoking weed.
• When we had 3 kids under 4 he went out pretty much 1-2 times a week and got wasted. He couldn’t deal with having to parent. He would often say “ going to pub but won’t be late” and invariably let me down and not get home til late. On the off chance he got he before 7pm he would be visibly wasted.
• went to doc and had issues with liver, kidneys and cholesterol - his response was not to go back
• has depression recently diagnosed, says it’s not booze/weed causing it it’s us (kids situation/pressure of a family etc)
• I have had to pull car over 2 or 3 times so he can vomit after a bender- with kids in car.
• Has drink driven with kids
There are loads more incidents but I think you get gist.
He doesn’t drink every day but gets drunk at least one or two times a week. If he hasn’t had a blow out in a week he’ll call up a fellow HFA mate in our neighbourhood and get wasted.
Also smokes occasional weed - this has ebbed and flowed over our marriage but would be monthly on average.
I have not handled this situation well. I have attacked, blamed and got angry. I have also resented him which has made me act differently towards him. He calls it hen-pecking. He said he’s sick of the hen-pecking and constantly being “told off”. At one point I was getting on to his about food and health- he’s put on 20kgs. It was my way of trying to appeal to him to reduce booze. I’ve always been labelled nit picker and controlling.
He’s saying he’s not even sure he wanted kids and that if he had his time again he wouldn’t have them. Says it’s too hard. Says he’s trying to work out whether he wants to be here (too restricting on his freedom apparently which he values so highly).
He has a great senior job, is fantastic around the house (cooks and cleans more than I do). He helps anyone who will need it. He’s a good guy and has the potential to be a great father but the drink is destroying him.
Anytime I’ve brought up alcohol addiction he’s denied it. Says it’s me. I’m not fun anymore apparently. He said “wives should be careful about asking their husbands to choose between the pub and their wives as they won’t like the answer”. He says he feels his best when he is with mates at the pub. He gets drunk because “he really likes it”.
i should point out that I drink probably 2-3 if at home over a weekend on fri and sat night and occasionally get tipsy/drunk at parties etc but I am not ruled by it like he is, it is situational for me and I drink due to the situation- not find a situation which enables me to drink like he does.
I am at the point where I want to boot him, I am so worried about how the kids will react.
Is he an alcoholic?? Is is going to just get worse? Will it be worse on the kids to stay or go?
I am so tired of living like this and being made to feel like a burden.
I am new here and really wish I didn’t have to be here.
My husband and I have been married 11 years with 3 children. He has always been a binge drinker. We drank together a lot in the early days of our relationship but I settled down once kids came along- he never did.
I have often felt that we come second to booze, this has been such a lonely feeling over time. It’s a long story so I’ll just tell you some of the stand out incidents and events that have led me here:
• when pregnant with my first child went out drinking and on benders a lot, kept saying it was because it was “his last hurrah”
• when he had his wisdom teeth out and was on strong pain killers, came home and drank and got so messy due to the painkillers interacting with the grog (we had a 2 year old and a baby)
• after a family lunch at his brothers, wouldn’t come home with me at 6pm because he wanted to keep drinking with dad and brother. I was early pregnant with our third and absolutely exhausted and had a 3 and 1 year old to have to deal with. He let me take them home and he stayed the night at his brothers and got wasted
• After a lovely Christmas Day coming home around 7pm he decided he wanted to keep drinking. I asked him if we could just keep Christmas a family day. He didn’t care he called a mate who cane over they sat in shed drinking til 2am.
• He was made redundant on our daughters second birthday. He came home at lunchtime unexpectedly when I had some family around to see our daughter. He said he had a taxi waiting out the front as he was going out to lunch with his ex-colleagues to commiserate. I said ok but can you come home early as we wil have cake again for her birthday. He got home at 2am so missed his daughters birthday cake celebration. When I was upset he said “she won’t remember” Always makes me feel i am over reacting
• On our sons first communion day after the small afternoon party having had a lovely day, he was drunk. He didn’t want to stop drinking so called up a mate and went around there til midnight drinking and smoking weed.
• When we had 3 kids under 4 he went out pretty much 1-2 times a week and got wasted. He couldn’t deal with having to parent. He would often say “ going to pub but won’t be late” and invariably let me down and not get home til late. On the off chance he got he before 7pm he would be visibly wasted.
• went to doc and had issues with liver, kidneys and cholesterol - his response was not to go back
• has depression recently diagnosed, says it’s not booze/weed causing it it’s us (kids situation/pressure of a family etc)
• I have had to pull car over 2 or 3 times so he can vomit after a bender- with kids in car.
• Has drink driven with kids
There are loads more incidents but I think you get gist.
He doesn’t drink every day but gets drunk at least one or two times a week. If he hasn’t had a blow out in a week he’ll call up a fellow HFA mate in our neighbourhood and get wasted.
Also smokes occasional weed - this has ebbed and flowed over our marriage but would be monthly on average.
I have not handled this situation well. I have attacked, blamed and got angry. I have also resented him which has made me act differently towards him. He calls it hen-pecking. He said he’s sick of the hen-pecking and constantly being “told off”. At one point I was getting on to his about food and health- he’s put on 20kgs. It was my way of trying to appeal to him to reduce booze. I’ve always been labelled nit picker and controlling.
He’s saying he’s not even sure he wanted kids and that if he had his time again he wouldn’t have them. Says it’s too hard. Says he’s trying to work out whether he wants to be here (too restricting on his freedom apparently which he values so highly).
He has a great senior job, is fantastic around the house (cooks and cleans more than I do). He helps anyone who will need it. He’s a good guy and has the potential to be a great father but the drink is destroying him.
Anytime I’ve brought up alcohol addiction he’s denied it. Says it’s me. I’m not fun anymore apparently. He said “wives should be careful about asking their husbands to choose between the pub and their wives as they won’t like the answer”. He says he feels his best when he is with mates at the pub. He gets drunk because “he really likes it”.
i should point out that I drink probably 2-3 if at home over a weekend on fri and sat night and occasionally get tipsy/drunk at parties etc but I am not ruled by it like he is, it is situational for me and I drink due to the situation- not find a situation which enables me to drink like he does.
I am at the point where I want to boot him, I am so worried about how the kids will react.
Is he an alcoholic?? Is is going to just get worse? Will it be worse on the kids to stay or go?
I am so tired of living like this and being made to feel like a burden.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Zevin 
I’m sorry for what you are dealing with. Is there any way he will go to counseling with you?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
It’s great that he’s willing to go to marriage counseling! You have a lot of to deal with and hopefully counseling will give you some insight on what needs to happen to make YOU and your CHILDREN’S lives better.
Let us know how it goes.
Let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Hi FTL and welcome, glad you found SR.
You ask, is he an alcoholic? Well, he certainly sounds like someone struggling with addiction. Really only he can decide if he is addicted (although many alcoholics will deny this).
Regardless, it is affecting you, your relationship and your children in a very negative way. Really that's the bottom line?
A word of caution. Most counsellors/therapist worth their salt will not do couples counselling for couples where one partner has an issue with alcohol. Why? Because alcoholics are generally (and I don't mean to paint all with the same brush) not forthcoming about their alcoholism or problems with drink. In fact, as you have no doubt experienced, they are very defensive about it. If you bring it up in counselling 99 times out of a hundred he will defend it as he did with you, it's NOT the alcohol it's you and the kids and the mortgage and the fact that it rains too much here! Anything to protect the addiction, it's the nature of the beast.
What then ends up happening is you are getting blame for all things and the counselling becomes unproductive. So please tread carefully. Also what you say might be used against you later on.
Well isn't that lovely. Frankly that would have me walking out the door but you know, everyone has their own boundaries and limits, although you do sound like you are reaching yours.
You have covered a lot in your post, affect of alcoholism on children is huge - him preferring to party rather than participate in his family's life, his dismissal of things that are important.
I would recommend learning as much about alcoholism as possible (for you, not him, knowledge is power). You might find these articles found in the stickies section, at the top of the forum helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also these very informative articles:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
You ask, is he an alcoholic? Well, he certainly sounds like someone struggling with addiction. Really only he can decide if he is addicted (although many alcoholics will deny this).
Regardless, it is affecting you, your relationship and your children in a very negative way. Really that's the bottom line?
A word of caution. Most counsellors/therapist worth their salt will not do couples counselling for couples where one partner has an issue with alcohol. Why? Because alcoholics are generally (and I don't mean to paint all with the same brush) not forthcoming about their alcoholism or problems with drink. In fact, as you have no doubt experienced, they are very defensive about it. If you bring it up in counselling 99 times out of a hundred he will defend it as he did with you, it's NOT the alcohol it's you and the kids and the mortgage and the fact that it rains too much here! Anything to protect the addiction, it's the nature of the beast.
What then ends up happening is you are getting blame for all things and the counselling becomes unproductive. So please tread carefully. Also what you say might be used against you later on.
He’s saying he’s not even sure he wanted kids and that if he had his time again he wouldn’t have them. Says it’s too hard. Says he’s trying to work out whether he wants to be here (too restricting on his freedom apparently which he values so highly).
You have covered a lot in your post, affect of alcoholism on children is huge - him preferring to party rather than participate in his family's life, his dismissal of things that are important.
I would recommend learning as much about alcoholism as possible (for you, not him, knowledge is power). You might find these articles found in the stickies section, at the top of the forum helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also these very informative articles:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
Welcome Forevertoo. I'm glad you found us but I am super sorry for what brings you here.
You might look into the book Codependent No More . It is a bit of a bible around here.
There are also some ways of detaching from the situation which might be helpful for you. Stickied at the top of this forum is a bunch of articles and favorite conversations that people here have had about being in a relationship with an addict.
Let us know how things go with you.
You might look into the book Codependent No More . It is a bit of a bible around here.
There are also some ways of detaching from the situation which might be helpful for you. Stickied at the top of this forum is a bunch of articles and favorite conversations that people here have had about being in a relationship with an addict.
Let us know how things go with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi FTL,
I'm sorry for the things that have brought you here. I was reading over you list and i was like, she has every reason to kick him out and then I got to your last one. Driving drunk with the kids. To me that is a giant red flag. Besides just endangering himself and other on the road. He has now decided that it is ok to drink and drive the kids around. I hope your taking steps to not let that happen again. He may be a great house keeper, cook, and worker at his job, but he's not showing you the respect that you deserve. He has shown you that he values alcohol over you many a times. Alcohol is a progressive disease. If doesn't see that he has a problem now it is only going to get worse.
Listen to what trailmix has to say. She has a lot of good advice. Look after your kids. Keep them safe. Keep being strong,
I'm sorry for the things that have brought you here. I was reading over you list and i was like, she has every reason to kick him out and then I got to your last one. Driving drunk with the kids. To me that is a giant red flag. Besides just endangering himself and other on the road. He has now decided that it is ok to drink and drive the kids around. I hope your taking steps to not let that happen again. He may be a great house keeper, cook, and worker at his job, but he's not showing you the respect that you deserve. He has shown you that he values alcohol over you many a times. Alcohol is a progressive disease. If doesn't see that he has a problem now it is only going to get worse.
Listen to what trailmix has to say. She has a lot of good advice. Look after your kids. Keep them safe. Keep being strong,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FTL------you have no control over him and his alcoholism. If you have been reading on the forum, here, you will be familiar with the 3c's You didn't Cause it----You can't Control it---and, you Can't fix it.
Alcoholism is progressive and it sounds like he is beginning to spiral into it.
Living in an alcoholic home is very destructive to children. /this is well documented. You might go to the book section of amazon.com----or, the local llibrary in your country, and get the literature of the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics". This will tell the story of what happens to children raised in alcoholic homes, and the kinds of issues they carry into their own adulthood,
I suggest that you not be as concerned about the children's reactions, if you live separarely from him, as it would be more important to worry about the effects of them living in the home with a drinking parent. In addition, the behaviors of the alcoholic parent drains the non-alcoholic parent sooo much that the children don't get the full attentions and the best of the non-alcoholic parent.
Right now, you are the responsible parent and, like it or not----it falls on your shoulders to make the best decisions concerning the welfare of your children, They are to young to make decisions, and they have no real power. They will have to rely on you. It is very important to take care of you----because it is a happy parent that raises happy kids. If you don't take care of yourself in a way that you can thrive as a person, you will not be able to give your best to your children.
I hipoe that you will be ble to be open and honest and lay the cards on the table with the marriage counselor, tomorrow.
Alcoholism is progressive and it sounds like he is beginning to spiral into it.
Living in an alcoholic home is very destructive to children. /this is well documented. You might go to the book section of amazon.com----or, the local llibrary in your country, and get the literature of the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics". This will tell the story of what happens to children raised in alcoholic homes, and the kinds of issues they carry into their own adulthood,
I suggest that you not be as concerned about the children's reactions, if you live separarely from him, as it would be more important to worry about the effects of them living in the home with a drinking parent. In addition, the behaviors of the alcoholic parent drains the non-alcoholic parent sooo much that the children don't get the full attentions and the best of the non-alcoholic parent.
Right now, you are the responsible parent and, like it or not----it falls on your shoulders to make the best decisions concerning the welfare of your children, They are to young to make decisions, and they have no real power. They will have to rely on you. It is very important to take care of you----because it is a happy parent that raises happy kids. If you don't take care of yourself in a way that you can thrive as a person, you will not be able to give your best to your children.
I hipoe that you will be ble to be open and honest and lay the cards on the table with the marriage counselor, tomorrow.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
Thank you so much everyone for replying.
It is good to know I am not over-reacting. My husband says that my expectations of a husband are too high. Is it unreasonable to expect that he will put me and his children above drinking with the boys? He thinks yes, given that's what he "likes to do" and that he doesn't stop me doing what I like to do.
Trailmix I am with you, since he has said that he wouldn't have had kids if he had his time again I haven't been able to stop thinking about either us leaving or kicking him out. I feel so protective of the children that their Dad would say something like that. I am so heart-broken by it and even if the drinking situation improves, how can I ever un-hear that. He said that "he just doesn't get enough joy from parenting for it to be worth it". I have tried to point out that nothing rewarding/worthwhile is easy. How much of what he said is to do with the addiction, or is he just a really selfish person? FYI he has admitted a few time that he knows he can be selfish.
With the drinking and driving, it is usually just him in the car and I have given up saying anything. The last couple of times he hasn't driven home from his big sessions, so I think what I have said in the past about this might have finally sunk in. He drunk drove with the kids one time, just from a few streets away but still. He also left me on the street once because I refused to get in the car with him. He was really drunk and even though we were in our neighborhood, just a few streets away I refused to get into the car so he drove off and I walked home. I actually stopped on the way home and hid in someone's front garden for half an hour to make him worry about me, but when I got home he didn't even say sorry - just defended his driving home on having to get home to relieve the baby-sitter when we said we would.
The issue is that there may be a month or two between incidents and in between you have good times and you forget, but it is always this grey cloud and I am sure the kids are picking up his unhappiness (at his lack of freedom, too much responsibility) and my resentment.
This is just such a hard situation. I have asked him to go to a hotel this week for 10 days to think about whether he wants this life or not. I don't know if that is the right thing to do but I am just not wanting to be around him right now. I haven't booked it yet but I will if after the counselling session tomorrow it still feels like the best thing to do right now.
It is good to know I am not over-reacting. My husband says that my expectations of a husband are too high. Is it unreasonable to expect that he will put me and his children above drinking with the boys? He thinks yes, given that's what he "likes to do" and that he doesn't stop me doing what I like to do.
Trailmix I am with you, since he has said that he wouldn't have had kids if he had his time again I haven't been able to stop thinking about either us leaving or kicking him out. I feel so protective of the children that their Dad would say something like that. I am so heart-broken by it and even if the drinking situation improves, how can I ever un-hear that. He said that "he just doesn't get enough joy from parenting for it to be worth it". I have tried to point out that nothing rewarding/worthwhile is easy. How much of what he said is to do with the addiction, or is he just a really selfish person? FYI he has admitted a few time that he knows he can be selfish.
With the drinking and driving, it is usually just him in the car and I have given up saying anything. The last couple of times he hasn't driven home from his big sessions, so I think what I have said in the past about this might have finally sunk in. He drunk drove with the kids one time, just from a few streets away but still. He also left me on the street once because I refused to get in the car with him. He was really drunk and even though we were in our neighborhood, just a few streets away I refused to get into the car so he drove off and I walked home. I actually stopped on the way home and hid in someone's front garden for half an hour to make him worry about me, but when I got home he didn't even say sorry - just defended his driving home on having to get home to relieve the baby-sitter when we said we would.
The issue is that there may be a month or two between incidents and in between you have good times and you forget, but it is always this grey cloud and I am sure the kids are picking up his unhappiness (at his lack of freedom, too much responsibility) and my resentment.
This is just such a hard situation. I have asked him to go to a hotel this week for 10 days to think about whether he wants this life or not. I don't know if that is the right thing to do but I am just not wanting to be around him right now. I haven't booked it yet but I will if after the counselling session tomorrow it still feels like the best thing to do right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 26
Forevertoolong I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. My husband is a very different drunk - he prefers to be drunk at home alone - but he has told me he never really wanted kids (which isn’t true). Even when you know the motivation behind it - it still hurts.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by Forevertoolong
This is just such a hard situation. I have asked him to go to a hotel this week for 10 days to think about whether he wants this life or not. I don't know if that is the right thing to do but I am just not wanting to be around him right now. I haven't booked it yet but I will if after the counselling session tomorrow it still feels like the best thing to do right now.
It's important to know that you have a problem with his drinking, he doesn't. The reason is because you have expectations of him and you are going to be disappointed over an over again. He is a grown man, he has a right to drink if he wants to (no matter how inappropriate and harmful it is to your family). There are only two ways for this to be. You can stay and just accept his drinking (you have to decide if you can detach enough to not let it take over your life and your well being and also accept the affect it will have on your children - which it definitely will), or you can leave (or have him leave).
His behaviour is dangerous. Responsible parents try to be - responsible! They don't drink and drive and they would never put their child in danger on purpose. But you already know all that.
It hard! Separating is hard, staying is no doubt even harder but you just have to know that whatever you decide it will be good for you, you are just as important here and what you want and need is important as well. He is not actually calling the shots for your life.
I too hope the counselling session goes well. I hope you keep posting. Lots of support for you here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by FWN
Sent you a PM, forevertoolong. In so many instances we could be twins.
We have our counselling session today. I’ll let you all know how it goes.
I am so sad to be in this situation. We should be enjoying our long weekend and doing fun things with the kids etc but instead we are both flat and just going through the motions.
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This is from our Book List, books about Adult Children of Alcoholics:
Anderson, Robert J. Perfect Daughters
Bey, Deborah Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
Black, Claudia It Will Never Happen To Me
Bowden, Julie The Self-Sabotage Syndrome - Adult Children in the Workplace Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics
Bradshaw, John Healing the Shame
Friel, John Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families
Middleton-Moz, Jane After The Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood Trauma
Whitfield, Charles Healing the Child Within
Woititz, Dr. Janet Struggle for Intimacy
Anderson, Robert J. Perfect Daughters
Bey, Deborah Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
Black, Claudia It Will Never Happen To Me
Bowden, Julie The Self-Sabotage Syndrome - Adult Children in the Workplace Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics
Bradshaw, John Healing the Shame
Friel, John Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families
Middleton-Moz, Jane After The Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood Trauma
Whitfield, Charles Healing the Child Within
Woititz, Dr. Janet Struggle for Intimacy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Originally Posted by Forevertoolong
FWN thank you for getting in touch. It’s funny your story is the one that I was stalking on this forum as it felt so familiar to me! I can’t reply until I have posted 15 times but i will reply when I can.
We have our counselling session today. I’ll let you all know how it goes.
I am so sad to be in this situation. We should be enjoying our long weekend and doing fun things with the kids etc but instead we are both flat and just going through the motions.
We have our counselling session today. I’ll let you all know how it goes.
I am so sad to be in this situation. We should be enjoying our long weekend and doing fun things with the kids etc but instead we are both flat and just going through the motions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
Originally Posted by FWN
Thank you for telling me this. I need to update my situation here soon. I’m just not feeling ready. We all come here trying to make sense of our senseless situations, hoping and praying that ours is different from the rest, but sadly they all seem to play out similarly (even if the AH finally accepts their condition and works fo change). So much damage occurs for relationship with an A that ever truly trusting them or having real intimacy with them ends up feeling impossible. I get it now. You work so hard to get them to just SEE and if they see what you see and change all will be better. But what you end up with at least in my case is a destroyed relationship with too much baggage. It’s devastating but at the same time, freeing. But all of this is a process. It took me a year from having that AH HA moment of he’s an A and no I’m not crazy or overly dramatic, to the point where I’m at now.
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 1
You just wrote my story. I’m new here too. Faced the exact same things as you. Everything came to head last summer when I found out he’d been having an affair with a “close friend” of mine. Long, awful, painful story. But that seems to be what happens in these situations. You’re vilified and taken for granted until they can’t even see you anymore.
He wanted to stay with me and just forget this ever happened but that was not an option for me and I kicked him out. Then he realized that his affair partner was only interested in him because he was my husband, and when I wasn’t in the picture, she no longer had any interest in him. Toxic, awful stuff. He says he loves me and never stopped. He says he needs me which I know is true but that’s not necessarily good for me. He hoovered me back in, but I set a boundary: he had to go to AA. He’s been in recovery 3 months now. I see huge changes in him but I’m still scared and sad and angry as hell. I worry if we really reconcile, he’ll drink again. We have a young son. I’ve been going to Alanon For 4 months and it has changed my life.
We have done marriage counseling and maybe it’s helped. But not near as much as this program. Also, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie is a book that really turned things around for me. Learning to detach is crucial.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I tried to get my husband to go to counseling and stop drinking for years. He has some very narcissistic tendencies (he’s an alcoholic) and the 3 month long affair brought those things out even more. I keep wishing I could have gotten him to stop drinking and get counseling before he blew up our family, but I know now THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE. Hope this helps.
He wanted to stay with me and just forget this ever happened but that was not an option for me and I kicked him out. Then he realized that his affair partner was only interested in him because he was my husband, and when I wasn’t in the picture, she no longer had any interest in him. Toxic, awful stuff. He says he loves me and never stopped. He says he needs me which I know is true but that’s not necessarily good for me. He hoovered me back in, but I set a boundary: he had to go to AA. He’s been in recovery 3 months now. I see huge changes in him but I’m still scared and sad and angry as hell. I worry if we really reconcile, he’ll drink again. We have a young son. I’ve been going to Alanon For 4 months and it has changed my life.
We have done marriage counseling and maybe it’s helped. But not near as much as this program. Also, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie is a book that really turned things around for me. Learning to detach is crucial.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I tried to get my husband to go to counseling and stop drinking for years. He has some very narcissistic tendencies (he’s an alcoholic) and the 3 month long affair brought those things out even more. I keep wishing I could have gotten him to stop drinking and get counseling before he blew up our family, but I know now THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE. Hope this helps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Vision2020
You just wrote my story. I’m new here too. Faced the exact same things as you. Everything came to head last summer when I found out he’d been having an affair with a “close friend” of mine. Long, awful, painful story. But that seems to be what happens in these situations. You’re vilified and taken for granted until they can’t even see you anymore.
He wanted to stay with me and just forget this ever happened but that was not an option for me and I kicked him out. Then he realized that his affair partner was only interested in him because he was my husband, and when I wasn’t in the picture, she no longer had any interest in him. Toxic, awful stuff. He says he loves me and never stopped. He says he needs me which I know is true but that’s not necessarily good for me. He hoovered me back in, but I set a boundary: he had to go to AA. He’s been in recovery 3 months now. I see huge changes in him but I’m still scared and sad and angry as hell. I worry if we really reconcile, he’ll drink again. We have a young son. I’ve been going to Alanon For 4 months and it has changed my life.
We have done marriage counseling and maybe it’s helped. But not near as much as this program. Also, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie is a book that really turned things around for me. Learning to detach is crucial.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I tried to get my husband to go to counseling and stop drinking for years. He has some very narcissistic tendencies (he’s an alcoholic) and the 3 month long affair brought those things out even more. I keep wishing I could have gotten him to stop drinking and get counseling before he blew up our family, but I know now THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE. Hope this helps.
He wanted to stay with me and just forget this ever happened but that was not an option for me and I kicked him out. Then he realized that his affair partner was only interested in him because he was my husband, and when I wasn’t in the picture, she no longer had any interest in him. Toxic, awful stuff. He says he loves me and never stopped. He says he needs me which I know is true but that’s not necessarily good for me. He hoovered me back in, but I set a boundary: he had to go to AA. He’s been in recovery 3 months now. I see huge changes in him but I’m still scared and sad and angry as hell. I worry if we really reconcile, he’ll drink again. We have a young son. I’ve been going to Alanon For 4 months and it has changed my life.
We have done marriage counseling and maybe it’s helped. But not near as much as this program. Also, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie is a book that really turned things around for me. Learning to detach is crucial.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I tried to get my husband to go to counseling and stop drinking for years. He has some very narcissistic tendencies (he’s an alcoholic) and the 3 month long affair brought those things out even more. I keep wishing I could have gotten him to stop drinking and get counseling before he blew up our family, but I know now THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE. Hope this helps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
We had our counselling session, there was a lot of anger on both sides.
My AH's side is that he has been picked away at for years by me (true) and therefore doesn't feel good enough. He feels he is living someone else's version of life. I think he thinks I control everything (how we should parent, our social life, finances etc).
We both told the counsellor we were at the point of calling it a day.
The counsellor asked a lot about our upbringings. I have always known that AH has some baggage he hasn't addressed and the Counsellor idenitifed that pretty quickly too. She said he seems to have unaddressed pain. The problem is he is so defensive of his childhood and upbringing (controlling mum, HFA father - which has resulted in them having a very toxic marriage). Both his parents had very traumatic childhoods. They also lost a son who was disabled (my AH's brother). There is so much to unpack about his childhood, but he doesn't see it. There is a reason for his self-medication - that is obvious to everyone but the A I suppose isn't it.
I told him that him feeling like I am always 'picking at him' is me trying to set and maintain boundaries that he has repeatedly ignored or violated. I know at times my communuication has been very poor (I have been quick to attack and blame due to my utter exasperation/anger that he can't see the damage he is doing). He said he is sick of feeling not good enough. I said the reason he feels that is that over the years the behaviour (abandoning us to drink) has not been good enough in my eyes, I am not going to apologise or feel guilty for having expectations and boundaries. We (me and the kids) deserve more than that.
Some of his HFA mate's wives just put up with it and accept their AH's - but they are all miserable and their kids are being impacted. I will not accept that. I am a strong, capable person with strong values and expectations and I will not sit back and let this AH cycle happen to my family. I would rather be alone than expose us to a lifetime of that.
He said he will never live up to my expectations, so what's the point. He is getting confused with expectations and boundaries in my opinion.
We came very close to separating yesterday. I hardly slept last night.
It is so difficult trying to smile for the kids sake with all of this going on. I have no doubt they are picking up on it.
Today he said he wants to try whatever it takes to save the marriage. He loves the kids and I and doesn't want to break up. He said he knows he needs to get back to some healthy interests and reduce his drinking. He hasn't really ever spoken like that before. In the past he has often defended his drinking/lifestyle. Is that progress? Who knows.
I am sad and confused.
My AH's side is that he has been picked away at for years by me (true) and therefore doesn't feel good enough. He feels he is living someone else's version of life. I think he thinks I control everything (how we should parent, our social life, finances etc).
We both told the counsellor we were at the point of calling it a day.
The counsellor asked a lot about our upbringings. I have always known that AH has some baggage he hasn't addressed and the Counsellor idenitifed that pretty quickly too. She said he seems to have unaddressed pain. The problem is he is so defensive of his childhood and upbringing (controlling mum, HFA father - which has resulted in them having a very toxic marriage). Both his parents had very traumatic childhoods. They also lost a son who was disabled (my AH's brother). There is so much to unpack about his childhood, but he doesn't see it. There is a reason for his self-medication - that is obvious to everyone but the A I suppose isn't it.
I told him that him feeling like I am always 'picking at him' is me trying to set and maintain boundaries that he has repeatedly ignored or violated. I know at times my communuication has been very poor (I have been quick to attack and blame due to my utter exasperation/anger that he can't see the damage he is doing). He said he is sick of feeling not good enough. I said the reason he feels that is that over the years the behaviour (abandoning us to drink) has not been good enough in my eyes, I am not going to apologise or feel guilty for having expectations and boundaries. We (me and the kids) deserve more than that.
Some of his HFA mate's wives just put up with it and accept their AH's - but they are all miserable and their kids are being impacted. I will not accept that. I am a strong, capable person with strong values and expectations and I will not sit back and let this AH cycle happen to my family. I would rather be alone than expose us to a lifetime of that.
He said he will never live up to my expectations, so what's the point. He is getting confused with expectations and boundaries in my opinion.
We came very close to separating yesterday. I hardly slept last night.
It is so difficult trying to smile for the kids sake with all of this going on. I have no doubt they are picking up on it.
Today he said he wants to try whatever it takes to save the marriage. He loves the kids and I and doesn't want to break up. He said he knows he needs to get back to some healthy interests and reduce his drinking. He hasn't really ever spoken like that before. In the past he has often defended his drinking/lifestyle. Is that progress? Who knows.
I am sad and confused.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Forever-----I don't think that you sound confused, from where I sit. You sound like someone who is in pain due to the situation that you are going through.
His feeling not good enough is surely something that he brought, within himself, to the relationship----as you recognize. You can't fix that for him, no matter what you do---and, he can blame you every day, if that is how he deals with it---but, unless he faces it and does the kind of self examination and self exploration in therapy, it will do him no good. Obviously, he has used the alcohol to deal with him emotions. And, you recognize that, also.
From where I sit, two things stand out----that he doesn't sound like he understands what a deep dive that would be for him, to deal with his issues. How much commitment and how much time and hard work it takes. He sounds, still, in so much denial about his alcoholism and is blaming it on you.
I say this, because he says that he wants to "cut down on his drinking". To be able to drink in a controlled way is the fondest wish of every alcoholic. And, it is the last one that alcoholics will give up. To face that an alcoholic does not have the ability to do controlled drinking----not for very long----seems unthinkable for them.
Forever----I hope that you realize this fact to your very bones---and, do not let the promises to curb his drinking, lead you to hang on, based on these promises. He probably has no idea that he can't ever do controlled drinking----but YOU will know that----and, knowing that can save you from many more heartbreaking rounds on the roller coaster.
I am giving you the following article, taken froim our library of articles (contained in the sticky section) that I think is a good yardstick to measure where the alcoholic is, in terms of being ready to actually reach for recovery. I hope you will read it, because it contains a lot of valuable information that I think you need, right now.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
His feeling not good enough is surely something that he brought, within himself, to the relationship----as you recognize. You can't fix that for him, no matter what you do---and, he can blame you every day, if that is how he deals with it---but, unless he faces it and does the kind of self examination and self exploration in therapy, it will do him no good. Obviously, he has used the alcohol to deal with him emotions. And, you recognize that, also.
From where I sit, two things stand out----that he doesn't sound like he understands what a deep dive that would be for him, to deal with his issues. How much commitment and how much time and hard work it takes. He sounds, still, in so much denial about his alcoholism and is blaming it on you.
I say this, because he says that he wants to "cut down on his drinking". To be able to drink in a controlled way is the fondest wish of every alcoholic. And, it is the last one that alcoholics will give up. To face that an alcoholic does not have the ability to do controlled drinking----not for very long----seems unthinkable for them.
Forever----I hope that you realize this fact to your very bones---and, do not let the promises to curb his drinking, lead you to hang on, based on these promises. He probably has no idea that he can't ever do controlled drinking----but YOU will know that----and, knowing that can save you from many more heartbreaking rounds on the roller coaster.
I am giving you the following article, taken froim our library of articles (contained in the sticky section) that I think is a good yardstick to measure where the alcoholic is, in terms of being ready to actually reach for recovery. I hope you will read it, because it contains a lot of valuable information that I think you need, right now.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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