Can there be two codependents in a marriage?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Therapy twice a week but even she mentioned that she is unable to delve deeper because my stories are centered around my partner. I cannot help it. I don't know what else to do to shift focus back on me.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Well, again, those are just words. I am assuming he has already apologized to you.
So let's take his words and - then what? Just because he says them over a period of a few days or a week doesn't actually change anything? It also doesn't change the fact that over those 8 years you have been gas-lighted, criticized and abused. That hasn't changed and it never will you know. That is history, it is a fact, can you move past that?
As mentioned before, change is hard, you yourself are working with a therapist that wants you to focus on yourself and you admit you cannot. That's what change is like, it takes time and lots of it. It takes understanding WHY you are doing something and focus to understand where it's coming from and then seeing the path to change and doing it.
Time apart may heal you both, that's an unknown but as long as you are just keeping your thoughts on fixing this and him - it's very hard to deal with anything else, true?
So let's take his words and - then what? Just because he says them over a period of a few days or a week doesn't actually change anything? It also doesn't change the fact that over those 8 years you have been gas-lighted, criticized and abused. That hasn't changed and it never will you know. That is history, it is a fact, can you move past that?
As mentioned before, change is hard, you yourself are working with a therapist that wants you to focus on yourself and you admit you cannot. That's what change is like, it takes time and lots of it. It takes understanding WHY you are doing something and focus to understand where it's coming from and then seeing the path to change and doing it.
Time apart may heal you both, that's an unknown but as long as you are just keeping your thoughts on fixing this and him - it's very hard to deal with anything else, true?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Very true. I believe I'm expecting something of a 'miracle' maybe not in the conventional sense. The way he cried and cried made me all kinds of sad and guilty. Yes he apologized profusely at every chance be got.
I just wanted to hug him and make it all ok. I know I shouldn't so I didn't. I also don't know how to make a decision because now it looks like he is putting in the work and says he wants to continue putting in the work.
I just wanted to hug him and make it all ok. I know I shouldn't so I didn't. I also don't know how to make a decision because now it looks like he is putting in the work and says he wants to continue putting in the work.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
And the end result will be whatever it will be. You don't really know him as a sober person in recovery now, time will take care of that. He feels bad, that's obvious. You want to be separated from him and he doesn't want that. That doesn't make it wrong for you to do so.
What about you though? You do mention that you can't focus on yourself. That's a big issue Ituvia? If, as you say, you are codependent, how can you be in a healthy relationship with him? You are responsible for your own feelings and your happiness. If you don't address this, then how can you look after yourself? Who is protecting you? Who is protecting your feelings?
This work he is doing will not produce results overnight. He has admitted he has narcissistic tendencies and is abusive. That hasn't gone away.
There is no need to rush in to a decision. You have as much time to take with that as you need/want to have. If you can't do it for yourself, perhaps think about it as you not being able to be in a relationship until you have sorted out your feelings and codependency with your therapist?
What about you though? You do mention that you can't focus on yourself. That's a big issue Ituvia? If, as you say, you are codependent, how can you be in a healthy relationship with him? You are responsible for your own feelings and your happiness. If you don't address this, then how can you look after yourself? Who is protecting you? Who is protecting your feelings?
This work he is doing will not produce results overnight. He has admitted he has narcissistic tendencies and is abusive. That hasn't gone away.
There is no need to rush in to a decision. You have as much time to take with that as you need/want to have. If you can't do it for yourself, perhaps think about it as you not being able to be in a relationship until you have sorted out your feelings and codependency with your therapist?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ituvia-----you can watch youtube videos on co-dependency. You can, also, get a co-dependency workbook through your library when the quarantine is over, through your local library. This could be very helpful.
You could make a list, on paper, of the worst aspects of the relationship that have caused you very negative feelings....and, keep it with you at all times. Every time that you feel "weak"---overly sad for him or obligated to give in----read the list.
You can, also, start keeping a journal and record your daily feelings and emotions in the journal.
You can make a vision board of thee things that you like or aspire to....this helps keep your thoughts on yourself.
You can finish reading "co-dependent No More".
You can read an article from our forum library, every day. We have more than 100 of them. I will give you the following link. they are contained in the stickies at the top of the threads on the main page, of course. The articles have been written or submitted by other members of this forum.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You could make a list, on paper, of the worst aspects of the relationship that have caused you very negative feelings....and, keep it with you at all times. Every time that you feel "weak"---overly sad for him or obligated to give in----read the list.
You can, also, start keeping a journal and record your daily feelings and emotions in the journal.
You can make a vision board of thee things that you like or aspire to....this helps keep your thoughts on yourself.
You can finish reading "co-dependent No More".
You can read an article from our forum library, every day. We have more than 100 of them. I will give you the following link. they are contained in the stickies at the top of the threads on the main page, of course. The articles have been written or submitted by other members of this forum.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
As Dandy said, there is much for you to do. There is a lot to learn, learning for YOU, how
to understand why you do what YOU do. Learning to think and act differently that is
healthier and productive. Gaining your confidence back, learning how to be assertive
and learning how to ask for what you need. Allowing yourself to enjoy things again
and discovering what you like and what kind of live you wish to live, how you will
treat people and what you will accept from others. Forming healthy new relationships,
and yes, the virus is making things more difficult. In the beginning, alanon meetings
were just as important as therapy. They are synergistic.
It all takes time. Consider how long it might take you to speak, read and write Mandarin
Chinese fluently. Consider the study time, practice time, time around others who
speak it with you. This is similar to real change in a persons thinking and behavior.
This is a miracle that takes time and hard effort. The choice is the pain of staying the same
which will bring more pain and anguish, or the hard work of real change which will bring
peace, understanding, your true self, and many more blessings.
to understand why you do what YOU do. Learning to think and act differently that is
healthier and productive. Gaining your confidence back, learning how to be assertive
and learning how to ask for what you need. Allowing yourself to enjoy things again
and discovering what you like and what kind of live you wish to live, how you will
treat people and what you will accept from others. Forming healthy new relationships,
and yes, the virus is making things more difficult. In the beginning, alanon meetings
were just as important as therapy. They are synergistic.
It all takes time. Consider how long it might take you to speak, read and write Mandarin
Chinese fluently. Consider the study time, practice time, time around others who
speak it with you. This is similar to real change in a persons thinking and behavior.
This is a miracle that takes time and hard effort. The choice is the pain of staying the same
which will bring more pain and anguish, or the hard work of real change which will bring
peace, understanding, your true self, and many more blessings.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Ituvia 
Trail yes I've told him as much too. He says he is not going to bother me for a while. Let's see if that lasts. Apart from therapy I don't know what else I can do.
Practice! At first, when looking out for yourself you can feel guilty and selfish, if "feels wrong". This is normal. Changing a habit or a way of behaving is counter-intuitive to what we have been doing or experiencing or have been taught earlier.
How often do you say no to anyone? I mean your parents, friends etc? How often are you dragged along or someone insists you do X when you would rather do Y ? Practice the step of saying no to what you don't want.
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