schnappi99

Its a different world when the lights start coming on. Took me a good 6 months to start feeling much better, to start letting go the grip on her and how she was. I thought it was love, but really it was demand because if she was how I needed her to be then I would be comfy- and its never enough. I had an "ah-ha" moment listening to an alanon speaker recording, she talked about the 3 G's;

1. get out of their way
2. get off their back
3. give them to God

And I realized all that wanting her to be this way or that, was me trying to put something between me and my own head like I'd been doing for 40yrs. Feeling better is an inside job, the steps aren't philosophical statements, they are the tools. It is amazing how service can change you, if you want it to- and I was sick of being stuck in my own head. I started by helping with the chairs, getting into the group's monthly rotation for service jobs. Kind of started liking it, so volunteered to be the group rep, going stand for district rep this fall.

I think I like your guy. My sponsor didn't ask for much; just keep in touch with him, show up at a couple meetings a week, work the steps- he likes the Blueprint book for 4th steps, so we started that after some discussion and meetings on the first 3 steps.

Alanon taught me how to work with my higher power. It was the 3rd step that pulled the trigger.

woodlandlost

I have been thinking of the 3G's
1. Get out of her way;
2. Get off her back;
3. Give her over to God.

Thanks for that share.

I had to craw on these concepts today and Step 1. She received the letter from the lawyer this am and fired off some text messages to me, calling me a liar and I am trying to take DD away from her forever. I know she is responding as likely anyone would to a letter from a lawyer, I know I was when I received mine from her lawyer. The tone of my letter was to point out why things are the way they are and that we hope to negotiate safe terms to get her back to parenting now that she is working a program.
I guess I have to get out of her way so to speak. She will respond as she see's fit. I have no control over that. I have to get off her back. We can't be talking anymore while this situation is so raw. I have to give this situation over to God, I am powerless, right!

Still feels so wrong. I never wanted her to be in pain.

Thanks so much

dandylion

WLL-----anyone or anything who comes between the alcoholic and their drinking---is seen as the "enemy" and will receive their wrath. It doesn't matter who that person might be, or how fair or compassionate/or not. She is still being controlled by her disease.

I get it that you never intended or wanted her to be in pain. I have found out that I don't always get what I want or wanted in life. We don't have control of lots of external things, in this life. We just have to deal with life on life's terms.

Bekindalways

^^^^^ This entire process is just so non-intuitive. It is why so many of us wind up here at SR. Relationships with addicts don't follow the usual rules of relationships. I used to feel like I was trying to waltz with someone having an epileptic seizure.

Eauchiche

My ex is obviously in late-stage alcoholism.
Do I still care? Yes.
Can I do anything about the situation? Not a damn thing.

I still care, but the chemistry that made it work for us for many years isn't there at all. We are nice to each other, but I spend very limited time there.

I moved on with life, thank God.

Until we can move on, with the help of God and others, we have an open wound that never heals. We keep going back for comfort to things that cause more wounding.

Woodland, we are ALL in various stages of recovery. This is a great community to support us as we heal.

woodlandlost

"Until we can move on, with the help of God and others, we have an open wound that never heals. We keep going back for comfort to things that cause more wounding."

So I was just in my kitchen, alone. My daughter is with the grandparents for the weekend. I was literally just sobbing. Talking to myself. How much I miss her, how sorry I am that things are so messed up that lawyers are involved...how sorry I was that I wasn't more whole of a person through the past years. Just an outpouring of grief. And IF only we could be together, all of this pain could stop.

I stopped talking and tried to just FEEL the pain inside my chest, let the tears flow, let the fear and panic rise...

Then I got your message. Kind of out of the blue. It was a reset button in a way to remember I don't have control of the situation, things will come into my life and if I am aware enough maybe something will stick. I know where I am at. I am still searching for answers, still hoping the nightmare will end....I know this isn't reality. I do. Like I said, I am in step 2 and step 3, just starting out. But the pain still resides in me.

dandylion

woodlandost-----what you were just doing, alone, in your kitchen----I call the "wailing wall". It is not my original idea, by any means----it has been used in certain religions and by therapists as a way of dealing with acute grief and loss.
Keep using this technique.
Eventually, the pain leaves.
"'

woodlandlost

Hi Dandy, That gives me some peace...I do have these spells of wailing and the one confusing part is when I editorialize those moments. If I am so sad, then it must mean, go to her apartment, show her your love, show her forgiveness. Then I am reminded, which takes a huge amount of will power on my part to say, no!! You are trying to control this. You can't possibly repair something that is destroyed beyond all recognition. I have to have faith that what will come my way will be what I need, god knows I have been trying to control things and look where it got me. At least I don't have to wash the floors

trailmix

This, yes. It's a terrible situation. She is gone and I mean really gone, you can't go back but going forward is hard right now. I understand. There is no "back", there is no "what was before". You are grieving that and that's so normal.

You are going to be ok woodandlost, you really are. You are so aware and you are heading in the right direction. It hurts. There are better days ahead.

Ariesagain

WL, you’re a really good person. You’re kind, intelligent, compassionate to a fault, tender-hearted (ditto)...better days lie ahead, I promise. But the only way to step into your future is to say goodbye to this sad past, let go and move forward.

schnappi99

The win for me was the spells of pain and crying and guilt and anger slowly became less bad and less frequent, and in between I got to feeling a bit better. Felt pretty weird at first.. I was driving to work one day and realized I hadn't been angry at her or the world or the guy who cut me off in a long time. Not unsettling in the way of accidentally stepping into a hole, instead suddenly not stepping into a hole with each stride but instead onto steady firm ground.

PeacefulWater12

So true. It is non-intuitive. Often the exact opposite of what seems/feels the right thing to do.

I found once I grasped this, living with my AH became far easier.