Showing up to my home unannounced
 

Hello All,

I hope every one is doing well and is healthy. My DS13 turned 13 on Tuesday. The time has flown by and he is growing up so quick. We celebrated and went paintballing on Saturday and had a small get together with my parents on Tuesday. My AXH has been MIA. During this quarantine he has asked to see the children twice and I suggested that he can accompany my DS8 to walk the dogs around the park by my home. I of course went along since I have been supervising the visits. During those times, we did not speak. The last time he saw DS8 was on April 26th, my DS13 decide not to go on the dog walks. After April 26th, I had not received an email from him asking to see the children on his scheduled days (1st, 3rd, 5th weekends from 8am-4pm) and he had not contacted my DS13 on his cell since Easter. We communicate through email only regarding visitation. On Tuesday, my AXH showed up to my house at 1:45pm. He did not email me and ask if he could come by. I am assuming it was to give my son a birthday gift. He was outside of my house for about 10 mins. He texted my DS13 to come outside. My DS13 did not go outside. He makes things extremely uncomfortable for everyone. While he was outside waiting for me to open the door after he rang the door bell, my grandparents arrived because they were dropping off a birthday card for my son. The whole situation just was so ridiculous. I let my grandfather come in. While my grandfather was inside wishing my son a happy birthday. My AXH walked back to the front door and rang the door bell again. He has no respect. I made it more than obvious that I was not going to allow him to come inside or make any contact with him but he still decides to put on a show in front of my grandparents and stay by front door continuously ringing the door bell. He arrived at 1:45pm and did not leave until 1:55pm. I have had issues with him in the past regarding him showing to my home without asking me first. I have not had verbal communication with my AXH since March. We had got into an argument because his GF was coming around my home and parking across the street from my home at the park and watching my house from the baseball field. She did this two weekends in a row until my state governor called a lockdown and since then I haven't seen her since all public parks were closed. I know my AXH is angry with me because of the rules he has to following (court order) regarding visitation with my kids. I know he is waiting to take it out on me. Since I blocked him from my phone, he can no longer call during his drunk rants and tell me off. I hate the fact that he still thinks it is okay to come to my home unannounced, it is extremely inappropriate and I don't feel safe opening the door. I have spoke with the police. The officer instructed me to not open the door for him. The house is now solely under my name since I refinanced in February so he no longer has a right to be on the property. The officer told me that if he comes back to call them and they will come and speak with him and ask him to leave the property. I never will understand why he does what he does. He doesn't make an attempt to see his kids regularly. But miraculously shows up on birthdays and Christmas. I have a front door camera so I have everything that occurred on Tuesday recorded. Im so sick of all the games with him. I keep praying that this whole situation will turn a corner and become positive but I wont hold my breath.

So so sorry Mamabear. I would think it would be specially uncomfortable with your grandparents there.

Did you have to call the police?

I never will understand why he does what he does.

I had an experience in which someone treated me poorly. It doesn't matter how or the circumstances, this is a life lesson for practically everyone. I was on the phone with a friend, near tears because of the frustration, and I said, I just don't understand why he'd do something like this. And my friend said:

"You don't understand because you would never do something like this."

It's really that simple. I've had people opine to me about situations they come across "The house was a mess...He's doing this...She's not doing that..." and I can say, "Mmmmm, well, uh, have you ever been diagnosed with depression?" because I know what it's like to discover that cat used my favorite braided rug for a litter box while I was grieving AH's death. I've been there. I can tell people that, and sometimes they 'get it' and sometimes they just don't. They walk away shaking their heads. It's the same thing with an alcoholic. To those of us who haven't been there, it can be mystifying. But to the alcoholic, (or the mentally ill, or the kid who going to lie about getting into the cookie jar) there is a justification and reasoning for what they're doing.

We can't get inside someone else's head, but we can accept the idea that that space is different from the inside of our own head..

He doesn't make an attempt to see his kids regularly. But miraculously shows up on birthdays and Christmas.

Yeah this was typical of my exH and he wasn't an A. It frustrated the hell out of me, and like Velma said it was because I would never behave that way. And mostly it made me angry and sad because my children had such a self-centered boulder-like parent...

It sounds like you have normalized a lot of crazy behavior....we become desensitized....I try to ask myself "what would normie people would do?" All those options are open to you, regardless of previous decisions. The past is gone, you are free in this moment.
Peace,
B

I didn’t call the police this time. I have spoken with a police officer before and file a complaint. Honestly, a part of me hates doing that. I never thought I would have to call the police on him. I should have many times in the past for several reasons but I didn’t. It’s sad how uncomfortable this situation. I thought as time went on being divorced would get easier.

You are right I have definitely normalized his behavior. I wanted out of my marriage so bad and I got out but I still am stuck with all his ridiculous behavior.

Sometimes one conversation with the police is all it takes. Big hugs. You are doing great.