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Made it 4 days and then....yeah I don't learn

Old 05-19-2020, 10:10 AM
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Made it 4 days and then....yeah I don't learn

..I caved and unblocked him. Yes, I am codependent. And this situation just gets more and more bizarre....thinking I am getting addicted to the drama. Here it goes:

Saturday (5/16), M facetimed me. I almost did not pick up, but I admit I missed him. I missed just being able to text stupid anti Trump memes or selfies of our dogs. So I answered. He basically said he missed me, he missed the life we have when we are together...misses my dog. And he wanted to talk to me face to face, that he shouldn't have told me that over facetime (he said text), that he owed it to me to have a conversation face to face. I absolutely agreed on that part. So I went down to his house. And we talked.

He said I shouldn't forgive him, I should hate him....he was sorry. He loves me,if I could love him and forgive him there is nothing he wouldn't do for me, he wants to marry me, he wants a life with me, he never sees her....the same stuff. I told him it isn't that he is legally married that bothers me so much as it is the lying. It is the one thing he insisted he would never do...I am legally married too, but my divorce should be final in October. I said are you married and this is just a temp separation? Are you getting a divorce? He again started with it isn't easy, I told him that is BS, it would be the easiest....he said courts shut down. The shutdown ****** everything up. I said so you already filed? He now says that yes he filed 4 months ago but it has been delayed because of the shutdown. I said, so you filed before you met me? He said yes---what does that matter? I said well, then it sort of makes a little more sense you were on bumble. I told him this is now the 3rd version....do you swear? I would say swear to God, but he is atheist. He said, ok, fine I swear on my mother's grave I already filed....I know I say a lot of **** when I am drunk but the stuff about my feelings for you has been genuine. Please don't ever leave me. I spent the night & we fooled around...He kept asking me if I had been with anyone during the week we broke up, if I did it was fine, just admit it, and I kept telling him no....in the morning, next to the bed I found a pair of jeans with panties in them (jeans inside out). Not mine. Small, juniors sized 5 or 7? Tiny. I said um, there are jeans with panties next to the bed. His response was, "it happens."

Yeah. He insists they belong to his maid, she must have changed....(shaking my head). I said, M, we were broken up all this week, if you picked someone up, it isn't a big deal. We weren't together. Did you have sex with someone else? He kept saying no. And honestly, because of the fact that we were apart, I just dropped it. Side note: if he did pick someone up, what the hell did she wear home if her jeans and underwear are on the floor? See what I mean, this is all bonkers.

I spent Sunday there and it was great. He ordered us breakfast (I had a phone date and he just went ahead and did it and handed it over while I was chatting with her)...we walked the dogs, picked up lunch...listened to music. Yes, we did have sex again. And later in the afternoon we hung out with his neighbors, drinking and playing cards. ANd I packed up to leave.....earlier in the week when I was really emotional and just losing it, I had arranged to go to my aunt's beach house in NC for this week. And I told him this on Sunday that I was leaving on Monday and back on Friday . He asked me to take him to a friend's and I stayed a bit to sober up from the party. As I was leaving he walked me to the car and said, you know you can just stay the night? I said yeah, but I have a dr appointment in XX (over an hour away) and I have to pack for the beach...it makes more sense to go home now.

I was maybe 20 min into the drive and I get a text. I looked at it and it was M "Come back and pick me up. take me home." I ignored it. He then called and asked the same. I said I am like 5 mins from my apt, sorry, didn't see the text. He said, "oh so you aren't coming, ok" Sigh..

I got home and he called me...again to ask me to come get him. when I said no he said, "well, I will call my wife in Pennsylvania. She will put her kids in the car and come down and get me, so that is ok." I said ok, call her.....hung up. He called again and said he was waiting for his uber and planned to call me when he got home. He facetimed when he got home...and said are you home yet? I said yes, I texted you that I was already home remember. He said he was suicidal and had a knife to his chest right before he called because he just doesn't have anything to live for and wants to die. I said, if that is true, I am about to call 911. He just didn't answer. Smirked.

He then asked me to get my stuff and come stay with him this week, work from his house. I said, M I told you, I am going to the beach in NC tomorrow. When you broke my heart earlier this week and we ended it, I made these plans to get the hell out of town. I will be back on Friday, if you want, I can stop by on Friday. He said, no, I want my girlfriend with me now. Not Friday. You are dating someone aren't you? You are going away with someone to the beach? I said no....Then he said oh and I ****** my maid. Yeah, I have been ******* my maid and you found her pants. And I did cry a little and he said, no, no that never happened. She has a thing for me but it hasn't happened. I said, you don't love me. And he got angry and said how can you say that? I said if you did, you wouldn't talk about "my wife this my wife" and now this with the maid? Why do you do that? He said because I am an ******* and I like to **** with people. So leave me. Leave me....and he basically did the whole, you hate me, I am married this can't work, I love my wife. I have a wife. Her name is Faith. I said no, it is not. What's her name/ I told him, it is Kristi. He said what is her last name? I said it isn't SXXXXX (which is what he told me before to google Kristi SXXXXX). He said, no, no she didn't take my name. I said it is XXXX.

And his face fell and he said, Oh ****, you really found her. Now you are going to talk to her on facebook and **** up my life. I said, M I keep telling you I won't do that. I have no reason to...and he said I don't care if you do, talk to her, talk to my wife, she is a nurse, we are done. And he hung up. I called him back ...he then said she is abusive, so yeah, go ahead talk to her, may help me out. I am married, we are done. WE are DONE.

And that was it. The next day before going to the beach, I sent him a text just basically saying I would have been willing to forgive and move on & we had such a nice time...he said he wanted to be with me, wanted to make it work and begged forgiveness and then just hours later, he is yelling we are done. It makes zero sense, but if that is what he wants, fine, I wish him well and remember the good times we did have. I also told him that I have zero plans to contact Kristi, I don't want or need extra drama in my life and it is his business, so he doesn't have to worry about it. I hated the idea that we would end with the yelling on the phone, because at least when he called teh week before it was a mutual good bye and good luck.

His response? A text saying, "did you enjoy ******* me yesterday?" I said yes....and he responded "good." and then sent a funny clip from a show which we always watch together).

SO...yeah...there it is. No further contact either way. I am at the beach and my mind thinks back over all this craziness and it just seems unreal. Like I am watching a soap opera. Does this woman see him this way?? Is there really a divorce in process?? It isnt' my concern or business....but from what I did see when I looked at her facebook, she appears to be a sweet suburban mom of 3, very active with her kids & pets...yet she is staying married to this guy two states away who is an alcoholic and going bankrupt? I seriously doubt his claims of abuse. honestly, when I went down to see him and made the decision to sleep with him again, it was of the mindset that I am not going to date anyone for a bit as I heal from my divorce. But I also have never been a person to sleep around randomly and he is a known in that sense....friends with benefits? I am in way over my head I feel...Stepping away and blocking again...

I appreciate all the support and suggestions on reading about codependency. I do have a therapist.....she is in the middle of transitioning from two different practices (I am following her, we have a connection and I don't want to start iwth a new person), but the downside is about 3 weeks of no sessions. Sigh..
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Old 05-19-2020, 10:40 AM
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Honestly why do you bother?
Unless you are enjoying this in some level
This isn't love

It's sick
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Old 05-19-2020, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Maddoc78 View Post
He said because I am an ******* and I like to **** with people.
This is really all you need to know.
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Old 05-19-2020, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
This is really all you need to know.
Well said...I think a few others said before “he is showing and telling you who he is, believe him.”

And I do...he clearly is a sick person and not just his drinking. Before I attributed a lot to his just being an alcoholic, but this—-the total 180 in a matter of hours? Yeah, something bigger going on there.

once again blocked...
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Old 05-19-2020, 10:56 AM
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He is whatever he is. You may never know the truth.

My time was better spent trying to figure why I kept going back to touch the stove, why I resisted accepting how it was, and to a degree, why I thought such an unhealthy relationship was something I deserved.
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Old 05-19-2020, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
He is whatever he is. You may never know the truth.

My time was better spent trying to figure why I kept going back to touch the stove, why I resisted accepting how it was, and to a degree, why I thought such an unhealthy relationship was something I deserved.
Indeed

If someone asks you to put your hand on a table and then slams it with a hammer, and they ask again and again and you are ok with it again and again what do you think the outcome will be??
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Old 05-19-2020, 11:13 AM
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Go back and read your post as if you weren’t the writer. Do you see how messed up this is?

He lies about everything. He’s married. He says he filed (yeah, right). He slept with his “maid.”He puts you at risk for STDs. When you don’t follow orders instantly he threatens to call his wife and she’ll do what he wants. I won’t even enumerate the number of possible exposures you had while in the midst of a pandemic.

SERIOUSLY? What are you thinking? Take the alcoholism out of the equation for a second...would you still be seeing anyone else who treated you this way? Somehow his alcoholism has become an excuse for really atrocious behavior. It isn’t. There are plenty of addicts who don’t hurt anyone but themselves.

Girl?

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Old 05-19-2020, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
Go back and read your post as if you weren’t the writer. Do you see how messed up this is?

He lies about everything. He’s married. He says he filed (yeah, right). He slept with his “maid.”He puts you at risk for STDs. When you don’t follow orders instantly he threatens to call his wife and she’ll do what he wants. I won’t even enumerate the number of possible exposures you had while in the midst of a pandemic.

SERIOUSLY? What are you thinking? Take the alcoholism out of the equation for a second...would you still be seeing anyone else who treated you this way? Somehow his alcoholism has become an excuse for really atrocious behavior. It isn’t. There are plenty of addicts who don’t hurt anyone but themselves.

Girl?

I am out—-he is blocked. Writing it all out and reading it, absolutely sort of let’s me step back and see how messed up it all is. And no, it’s not just his drinking.

The idea of being FWB was on the table (in my mind) until the total 180 within hours—-his behavior swings without rhyme or reason...he lies about something he just said 5 mins before..he is too unstable and unsafe for even that type of arrangement...I think I still am a bit shocked that there are men who think and act this way in the world. And not one but two women have married him?
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Old 05-19-2020, 11:35 AM
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To be a FWB doesn’t he have to be a FRIEND? There are plenty of other options out there for that role.

Clearly, he talks a great game. Been there, believe me. If they’re talking rainbows and soulmates that fast, it just means theIr exit strategy is already in place.

Take care of YOU. Drop him permanently by the side of the road and drive on, yes?

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Old 05-19-2020, 11:36 AM
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Maddoc, I'm sorry you went through all that, I really am. Aside from everything you got hurt again and I'm sure this whole episode was really rather traumatic for you, despite having visited it before.

It tough, for a couple of days you had this slightly normal person that you love and then he went off the rails again. It is often said here to tell an alcoholic "no" to anything and see how that goes, well I think you well and truly have your answer.

His responses to you don't surprise me at all to be honest. Why did he say that about the "wife" and the "maid" and saying he is going to kill himself and sending you the clip of the tv show you both watch? That's his sad way of trying to get you back. He doesn't function on an honest, respectful level, he doesn't understand that people respond to kindness and love, he uses manipulation. It's not working on your now, that is a great thing.

Oh and he did sleep with the "maid" if there is any doubt there and whoever this person is that left her clothes behind has other clothes there so that isn't an issue. Alternately he was so horrible to her she ran out without her pants, which sadly, is also possible!

I know he probably has a good side, I know it's hurtful, but honestly, as he is now he cannot be in any kind of normal relationship with anyone. It could be underlying issues or it could just be that he is so far in to his alcoholism that it has affected him to this degree. Either way, not relationship material, not even friend material.

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Old 05-19-2020, 12:10 PM
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HI Maddoc,

Thanks, for sharing. Sorry, you are having to deal with such a guy. Alcoholics are good at lying and manipulating their words to pull you back in. They will use every trick to keep you by their side. Then when you don't play along, the do like you say and do a 180 in personality. You need to keep you self safe. There are plenty of other guys out there that don't have that much drama attached to them. It's not something you need in your life. You are doing the right thing and blocking him and moving on. Have a good time at the beach and try and relax. Keep being strong.
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Old 05-19-2020, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Maddoc, I'm sorry you went through all that, I really am. Aside from everything you got hurt again and I'm sure this whole episode was really rather traumatic for you, despite having visited it before.

It tough, for a couple of days you had this slightly normal person that you love and then he went off the rails again. It is often said here to tell an alcoholic "no" to anything and see how that goes, well I think you well and truly have your answer.

His responses to you don't surprise me at all to be honest. Why did he say that about the "wife" and the "maid" and saying he is going to kill himself and sending you the clip of the tv show you both watch? That's his sad way of trying to get you back. He doesn't function on an honest, respectful level, he doesn't understand that people respond to kindness and love, he uses manipulation. It's not working on your now, that is a great thing.

Oh and he did sleep with the "maid" if there is any doubt there and whoever this person is that left her clothes behind has other clothes there so that isn't an issue. Alternately he was so horrible to her she ran out without her pants, which sadly, is also possible!

I know he probably has a good side, I know it's hurtful, but honestly, as he is now he cannot be in any kind of normal relationship with anyone. It could be underlying issues or it could just be that he is so far in to his alcoholism that it has affected him to this degree. Either way, not relationship material, not even friend material.
yes...seeing the pants and panties balled up on the floor just sunk my heart. I did get hurt...not in as bad/emotional state as I was when I discovered he is married but still....it hurts. I think it’s natural to want to believe when someone says they care. As I said we were not together the last week...I will never understand liars. Why lie when there is no need? I mean...just say “yes, I picked up this person, I thought I would never see you again...” Instead I got, “no, I haven’t f$&@ed anyone but if I did, then I did it. But I didn’t. She is weird she changed her clothes and showered here.” And I said if you did it just admit it. Sigh...and yet I slept with him again. So who is the idiot, right? Made an appointment for and STD screening...

So yes I need to do some hard looking at myself to see why I kept touching the hot stove.
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Old 05-19-2020, 02:13 PM
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Maddoc, I am glad that you are going to get an std screening. I was going to suggest that. I worked at a woman's hospital for a few years. Keep in mind that you will need another test in 6 months---and, I am sure that they will explain all of that to you. I would suggest that you might ask for a covid test, also. The way he operates, there is likely contaminates all over him and his surroundings.
A helpful hint---woman to woman---be careful of the Horizonal Tango when you are trying to distance yourself from someone. Horizonal Tango is one of the most powerful reinforcers that there is.
Basically, it elicits a cascade of hormones---the most powerful ones are dopamine and oxytocin. Oxytocin is an incredibly strong bonding hormone. It actually is released at childbirth to bond mother to baby. Dopamine is a pleasure/reward agent.
It sometimes takes many ,any times of going back before some people can leave a relationship, no matter how badly they are being treated. I hope that you will spend a lot of time on your own self reflection---and reading and studying and learning. time spent on him and his various women will only keep you distracted from your own self work.
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Old 05-19-2020, 02:46 PM
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Maddoc-----I thought you might relate to this song.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...tail&FORM=VIRE
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Old 05-19-2020, 02:55 PM
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Honestly...I could not even read half of that. It's so...messy. All of it. And that's just from reading it all let alone living it. Why do you keep touching the stove?

Last edited by Kokoro; 05-19-2020 at 02:56 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 05-19-2020, 03:05 PM
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Maddoc-----here is another song that I think you might relate to, right now.
Actually, I think it is one of the best breakup songs---by one of the best American female vocalists.
This is the long version.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZt1xKtPbUQ
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Old 05-19-2020, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by ironwill View Post
HI Maddoc,

Thanks, for sharing. Sorry, you are having to deal with such a guy. Alcoholics are good at lying and manipulating their words to pull you back in. They will use every trick to keep you by their side. Then when you don't play along, the do like you say and do a 180 in personality. You need to keep you self safe. There are plenty of other guys out there that don't have that much drama attached to them. It's not something you need in your life. You are doing the right thing and blocking him and moving on. Have a good time at the beach and try and relax. Keep being strong.
what I just don’t understand is...what do they gain by pulling us back in?? He is charming, attractive & based on the balled up jeans and panties doesn’t have any trouble picking up women even in his fall down drunken state...so why does he keep trying to pull me back in?

sigh

thanks for the song links as well...
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Old 05-19-2020, 06:39 PM
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his actions are not of concern here.
your own ARE.
in the midst of a global pandemic with a fierce relentless virus that is everywhere...you willingly trot your happy self over to someone who obviously has not enacted any type of safety protocols, admits he has slept with others, and still off you go.
then we add in the other communicable diseases that are also easily transmitted. and still you go and have sex with this person.

you seem to thrive on this chaos and risk taking. maybe you even have a death wish. but every action you take, and every time you do not use any type of safety precautions, you endanger others. i'm not sure if your aunt is at the beach house, but you have exposed her, her home, the community by putting your selfish wants before clear headed, adult thinking.

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Old 05-19-2020, 07:49 PM
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Hi Madoc,
They pull you back in cause it easier for them. They already know that you have gone along with the lies they have told. They don't like change or people that question them. To them it's easier to lie and manipulate then move on. It's only when you stood your ground (way to be strong ) that they do their about face and become mean and hateful.

You showed you were not going to let him manipulate or lie to you anymore. You are stronger then you realize. Don't let the little slip with going back to him bring you down. Focus on moving toward to a better life that you deserve. Keep being strong and have a good night.
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Old 05-19-2020, 08:54 PM
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"So yes I need to do some hard looking at myself to see why I kept touching the hot stove."

^^^^^ Good on you for this Maddoc . . . . . yep, it looks like you have some work to do on yourself.

You probably need to circle every wagon you can as you seem to have one hell of an attraction for that hot stove. Post here everyday or find an online alanon meeting. Do whatever it takes to stay away from this guy and figure out what is going on with you that he has such an attraction for you.
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