Kokoro

Hi, I didn't want to dredge up my old topic so thought I'd start a new topic.

I am doing well on focussing on me and only now have I come to appreciate I will need long term therapy so I am still keeping it up. I have been going to SMART F&F every week which has really helped alot as well. In a way, I am glad all that happened to me; I feel growth in myself from it all. I have realised alot about myself and just want to keep growing.
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I am back together with my partner (he has been 6 months sober with AA and IOPT) however with a huge difference this time and I wanted a post to illustrate an example of that.

With me finding a new job in a new part of town I was looking into finding a new place to live. My partner thought it would be an opportunity to live together. The old me probably would have jumped in (codependency, feeling guilted, being so so much more in love, etc) but I held fast to my boundaries. I genuinely thought to myself I need a safe nest to go home to and I can't jeopardise MY future. I found out he had a problem about 1.5 years ago, whilst I was juggling alot of other problems at the time which led to me breaking down. I can't risk that again.

So I told him as much. He was sad but understood my feelings.

I think I am very much in a neutral place where I can see a future with AND without him where I will be happy. That's been my power which has really helped. I know my feelings for him are less intense having been distanced and only time will tell if my trust for him comes back fully. It might not ever and splitting up may happen, it's not the end of the world. Right now though, I feel like I am in a place of control with MY life and I am so grateful for it. I want to live for choices that I make for myself and only for myself.

Thanks everyone for your help, especially when I first posted. It really helped. I was in a horrible dark place and you guys shone a light for me.

dandylion

Kokoro, it is great to hear from you! I am so happy to hear that you are getting your power back, and the ability to think of your own welfare. It looks, to me, like you are understanding that you have to look out for yourself and are not assigning that over to someone else. I think that is such a key principle---one of life's basic realities.
I think that this is one of the biggest struggles that many of the newbies come with, to this forum.
I hope that you will continue to post, here, and share your new found wisdoms and experiences as you continue your journey. Your insights and experience is very valuable.

trailmix

Hi Kokoro! Happy to see you and glad to hear you are doing so well. I'm also happy to hear he has been sober for a while.

Your careful approach to this is really good to hear. Getting a separate place for yourself and knowing you can go it alone if need be are huge steps, I know. It's amazing what a bit of time and distance can do to help us make some really sound decisions for ourselves.

I too hope you will keep posting.

Kokoro

Thanks for the replies, I will never forget the help you guys gave me when I was at my lowest. I want to pay it forward by posting more for certain. I think I am starting to finally get to know myself and what I really want in life and learning about boundaries has been such a game changer for me in life generally. I think by checking in here is kind of like repeat practice to remember where I came from and not to forget completely. I have seen and heard the devastation of alcoholism so it is good to keep things in check because I do not want that to happen to me!