Ituvia

For the past eight years I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic(now in recovery) and before that I had unidentified Anxiety and depression. For the first time in many years my husband has been away from me physically and mentally for 15+ days. My anxiety was through the roof the last few months and my therapist put me on anti Anxiety and anti depressants morning and evening. I was speaking to a new counselor today and she mentioned that I was telling my story as if it was someone else's and that she didn't see any emotion. I was shocked. I hadn't cried in a week and my nervous system seems to be calm and I've been sleeping a lot more. I suddenly had this feeling that maybe this is how normal people feel?
when not waiting for some argument or something to happen. When you're not being ignored while being in the same room?

I don't know. Does anyone else feel this way? Is it the meds? Is it too soon to feel this way?

SmallButMighty

I was married to an alcoholic for a long time. For the last couple years of our relationship I was suffering great anxiety. I was having full blown panic attacks multiple times a day. I was diagnosed and given anti-anxiety medication. I was on that crap for two years, I didn't like how it made me feel, but I like that it helped stop the anxiety attacks and allowed me to get some sleep. I had anxiety induced insomnia, the lack of sleep didn't help me deal with my stress effectively and I was a zombie most days. If I did sleep I'd have terrifying nightmares and wake up screaming and flailing. It was awful... the meds did help with that too.

Eventually I figured out that if I ever wanted to live a life out from under the burden of my anxiety disorder I was going to have to change the way I was living. I'd waited years for my spouse to change... and he did, he got worse... so I took it upon myself to change. I started REALLY educating myself about codependency. It didn't happen overnight, but ever so slowly I regained my sense of self. Eventually, I left the father of my children, my high school sweetheart, after 26 years together, I left to save my sanity. I moved into my own place and the anxiety disorder literally disappeared overnight. Since the day I left the home I shared with him, I have not had another panic attack. I've never taken another traquilizer, I haven't needed to. I've had some pretty serious things happen in the years since I left him, but I handled those things with out losing my grip. Its amazing what you can deal with when you don't have an alcoholic anchor dragging you down.

I think you feel better because you are not living full time in the presence of the person who causes you anxiety. Once you get a little distance from it, it becomes clearer and clearer. I'm glad you are feeling better Ituvia... trust your instincts on what's best for you. I truly believe my anxiety attacks were my instincts telling me to "run".. because once I did...my brain stopped giving me those fight or flight responses.

Ituvia

Thank you that was really helpful. The first few days of the meds I was feeling much better. Even now I feel better but the therapist was telling me that I was narrating a story as if it had happened to someone else. And I was like s*ht I was a crying mess and now I don't feel anything.

trailmix

Well it could be part medication and it could also be part self-preservation. I have had times when I was so anxious (this was a few years ago now) that when someone would start a serious conversation with me or start to tell me off about something (in particular this only happened with the person I was dating at the time - not a good guy) I would get so tired I could have fallen asleep on the spot! Now, is that normal? Well certainly not for me! I mean I seriously could have just fallen asleep and more than once I had to halt the conversation because I couldn't stay awake long enough to finish it.

Now, I don't see it as abnormal, looking back on the amount of stress he was causing in my life, it seems perfectly normal, it was my mind saying ok - that is enough of that!

So a certain detachment from it all, which you are going through, can also be normal (I've also experienced this - kind of a shut down) the mind does protect itself. If this goes on for long though, that can be something you can deal with safely with the therapist. You are under so much pressure.

I guess my long point is, don't worry too awfully much and I hope you can see the therapist regularly, maybe even more than you have been to help you through this time?

I hope you are taking good care of yourself.

mylifeismine

I think it could partly be the meds as I was on them for a short period of time
a long time ago and they helped at first but then I started to feel no joy
and no sadness, just nothing. But I feel like meds did help me through a
difficult time.

Many come on this board in very difficult, stressful and sometimes dangerous
home life situations. Many start out by saying they aren't leaving, they
can manage the stress, chaos, lack of respect and intimacy, verbal and
emotional attacks, and other negative impacts of living with active
addiction. So we think we can- until we can't. We shut down and if
we are lucky, realize that we can't live in the hellish situation we are
in and neither should our children. We decide to take care of ourselves
and provide ourselves a safe, peaceful, loving home to live in.
In the majority of cases, that means leaving the addict.

Your title is addicted to chaos and drama. I was wondering what that means?

Ituvia

I am not sure if the meds make me feel this way or if I was addicted to chaos and drama and now that there isn't any at home, it feels odd. Hence the title. I feel no sadness no joy or extreme emotions. I am not sure if I'm just exhausted with all of this or just coming to terms with it all or a combination of all of it.

trailmix

It is kind of impossible to know. It is a good time though to take stock and look at what you would like to do?

Once you are past this a bit you can always talk to your Dr about dosages if you think perhaps this isn't how you want to feel (or not feel!) all the time. I would certainly give it time though.

Hopeworks

I am an adult child of an alcoholic… A COA… I grew up in a dysfunctional home that was full of chaos and drama and even danger from my alcoholic father…… Especially as children if we are constantly surrounded by that chronic stress and disordered attachment we tend to try to heal that by being attracted to individuals who remind us of what was once “home”.... in my case I always wanted to heal those wounds by bringing peace and healing out of the chaos.

it’s really hard to break out of the subconscious need we cling to without knowing it consciously… It can also start in adulthood and many times it does become a very disordered codependency . In effect we become addicted to the qualifier and our deep-seated need to have a happy ending and for them to change into what we dream they could be…

After the decades have counseling and after all my qualifiers have either died or drifted off still killing themselves with alcohol I now see the red flags and do not get sucked into the vortex of toxic relationships… In fact I actually now work with the chronically homeless which are usually Dual diagnosis and stay healthy… My painful past and learning journey now helps me to help others find their way out of addiction or toxic codependency…… So it is great that you realize that possibly your feelings are rooted in some subconscious need just stay connected to your qualifier and their chaos… And that’s a great first step…… Find a great counselor and really dig into those feelings and in time healing will come and you will love the peace that you will find… Shalom… That is where every part of your life is rooted in Tranquility and completeness

Ituvia

Thank you. I am Not sure why I keep hoping that THIS time it's gonna be different with my husband. Sometimes I question myself that I need to accept people as they are. And if I do accept my husband as he is, then I'd be content. Spiritual teachings also say that we are supposed to accept everyone as they are. I am not able to understand if I should accept him as he is and find my peace with it or let go.

mylifeismine

Do your spiritual teachings tell you that you must accept verbal and
emotional abuse? That you must remain with a person who is doing
harm to you? You can accept him but that does not mean you have
to share your life with him. Many people here talk about loving
their alcoholics/addicts from a distance.

Ariesagain

Maybe tweak it just a tiny bit...accept that there’s nothing you can do to change him. That’s not quite the same, because it means you don’t have to accept him this way, but you’re letting go of pressuring yourself to figure out the “fix” to his behavior.

Do you want to be married to this man, knowing that this is who he’ll be and that you can’t change him?

That’s really the question, yes? I will say from an outside perspective it seems like you want to divorce him, but you have all these narratives from others (“you’ve always been angry”) affecting your trust in your own judgement. It’s your life, not his, not your parents’.

What do you want?

trailmix

Who wouldn't hope? That doesn't mean it's the reality of the situation though.

You can accept him just as he is, an alcoholic, that doesn't mean you want to live with him or be married to him, right? Those are two completely different things.

Ituvia

You're right.
i spoke to him after 20+ days today and he says he is working with w sponsor and doing in the inner child workbook. I asked him about therapy and he says the therapist prescribed SSRIs which made him suicidal so he had to stop taking them. I asked if he doesn't like this therapist, why couldn't he find someone else? He says yeah I am going to do that. I told him we shouldn't talk for a while, to which he says how can I be without talking and I want to be able to work on it and talk to you guys because I miss you.

I don't know what to believe in.

dandylion

Ituvia----I don't recall ever--anywhere---any spiritual teaching that includes accepting abuse or bad treatment from another person. It seems, to me, that spiritual teachings focus on a person's inner self---their growth and development. Inner peace and serenity.
All that I have seen, in psychology informs that one's environment---and, especially one's relationships, have a profound effect on a person's life. And, in recent years, it seems that there is increasing awareness of the effects of stress on the body and mental health. In fact, stress, can actually make a person sick and literally shorten a person's life.
I don't hear you saying that you actually like the stress of the relationship, or want to return back to the belly of the beast---but, that you are conflicted in the FOG---Fear/Obligation/Guilt.

I happen to think that we were born with the entitlement from the Universe to thrive, in this life---not to just exist and endure.

dandylion

Ituvia----remember all that talk that he just wanted to talk to you for ONE HOUR? Just one hour. Did you really believe that? He said that he would leave you alone for 60 days. I doesn't sound, to me like he is keeping that promise.
Who do you think he means by "you guys"----is that you and your parents?

You say that you don't know what to believe in. A part of working on your self and doing therapeutic work and the self examination that comes along with it, IS to find out what you DO believe in. Learning what you actually do feel and what makes you happy/fulfilled and gives you joy and purpose in this world. How to be content with just being.
Ituvia, I don't think you will find that or be able to do the work as long as you are trying to deconstruct someone else, or attaching your wagon to the star of someone else who see ms to be a mismatch for you.
You have spent 8 years of your life---which should be the great years of a young person's life--your prime years---in this relationship as the central focus. I think that if it was "meant to be", it already would have. Instead, it seems to have gotten worse, for you.

I have seen so m any people who gave themselves the "gift" of dedicating a couple of years to their own self development----without OBLIGATION to any intimate romantic relationships to distract them. It is life changing. It is as if one goes through the same process that, normally, occurs as one is emerging into young adulthood---Individuation. (you can google "individuation" in developmental psychology---and, I thnk that it might resonate with you. That process of Individuation is where one does find out "what they believe in". How one becomes a separate individual--separate from the parent and and others. A whole person in their own right.

By the way---how is your re-reading of "Co-dependent No More" coming along? Is any of it ringing true,for you?

Ituvia

But when are we supposed to be giving our marriage a chance? Yes I was reading codependent no more but stopped because it was overwhelming. I had a good cry today after speaking to him. Not during. He was telling me all these things that he is doing and I was cold and unsympathetic over the phone. He asked me if I've decided to end it, but I said him having to work on himself has nothing to do with me. When he meant you guys, he meant me and the dogs.

mylifeismine

I can completely understand that you stopped reading because it was overwhelming.
That to me is completely normal. You are dealing with matters of the heart and you
can't just slap a bandaid on it. When you read here that people say they worked hard to
gain clarity and believe in themselves - well that takes time, because we are trying to
heal and understand and grow at the same time. That's why self compassion is so
important, it's hard heart work but nothing is more valuable, IMHO.

We have to put books down, cry, reflect, cry again. I couldn't accept the whole reality
of what my life was, I could only accept a little at a time, process it, and move on, pick
up the book again, pray, see a counselor, go to alanon, learn some more.........

When you try to do this living with someone who is incapable of being compassionate,
and is dealing with their own struggles in a destructive way and harming you,
well it makes your journey impossible. Like trying to keep a room tidy when there is
a tornado in it. And, when the tornado is gone, that is when you experience an erie and
uncomfortable sense of peace and quiet because we are so used to the chaos and
attacks and lack of peace and walking on eggshells. It takes time.

Ituvia

I've always thought that he had dismissive or fearful avoidant attachment style. When I read the book 'attached' it fit the dance of anxious-avoidant trap. I told him as much and asked him to read it. When he read the book on the chapter of Avoidant personality, he said he totally resonated with it and that his dad exhibited same behaviour as well. I asked him if we could do the exercises mentioned there together and he agreed but never made time for it. I read the below today and was thinking I could've done some of the things in anxious state of mind too and caused him to pull away. Is that necessarily abuse on his part if he is an Avoidant? Maybe he was doing all of that from his stand point?

////
someone who has fearfulavoidant tendencies often grew up with a caregiver/s who was frightening or chaotic in their parenting approach.
.
.
This might mean that their caregiver was emotionally or physically abusive.
It might mean that their caregiver would become extremely dis-regulated themselves when they would see their child in distress or pain.
It might mean that their caregiver had losses that they had not yet worked through or recovered from.
.
.
A freighting approach from a caregiver is very confusing for a child.
It can still create a deep bonding experience for the child, but it is often paired with an intense lack of trust and enormous fear.
.
.
That child can experience deeply confusing and often (opposing) desires in their intimate relationships.
They might feel a constant push pull with their partner.
They might feel the desire to get some of their emotional or physical needs met in safer places and with more distant-feeling people.
They might feel enormous love in the arms of their partner one day and profound terror the next.
.
.
If this style resonates with you, you might be confused as to why you start to feel feelings of intense fear, or the experience of feeling (trapped) or (overwhelmed) just as you start to feel safe with someone.
Having a partner who can understand that this is part of your relational struggle can be enormously helpful and it help you feel less alone.
.
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Expressing and working with the tender vulnerability and fear that lives underneath your desire to frequently (leave) the relationship can help your partner to slowly understand your pain.
Please be slow and gentle with this internal process and know that it’s completely normal to want to get professional support.
.
./=13px/////

SparkleKitty

While we are not responsible for what others did to us, we are all each individually responsible for dealing with the traumas of our past, and we are likewise responsible for not inflicting the consequences of that trauma on others.

Please stop blaming yourself for not acting the right way and causing him to be abusive. That isn't how this works.

mylifeismine

Ituvia, what is your attachment style?