Active alcoholic relatives at mother's deathbed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 11
Active alcoholic relatives at mother's deathbed
I haven't been to any AA meetings since the Coronavirus lockdown here in March. My 9th anniversary was April 20.
My mother who is wealthy was diagnosed with brain cancer in March and my abusive alcoholic brother came to her state
and manipulated himself into power of attorney.
March 31st the day before the lockdown my brother yanked her out of the hospital and took her back to her oceanfront home
where he literally held her hostage and tried every game in the book to seize control of her estate.
He would allow no visitors, using the COVID quarantine lockdown as an excuse. Meanwhile she was being violated by him cleaning her private parts.
There is a law firm handling her estate which he is supposedly accountable to, and the bankers/accountants also. I am certain my brother ultimately failed in his ulterior agenda attempt as my mother and her husband, who died six months ago, were very astute. POA has no power over will/trusts anyway.
My brother is a lawyer who never practiced law because he has been using drugs and alcohol all of his life, he is very dysfunctional, abusive and manipulative.
My mother was very feisty and angry with him and said she wanted her phone back, her wallet back and she wanted to call her friend
and get out of there and go to a hospital. She was defensive with him and called him an instigator.
Whenever any of us would talk to her on the phone he would put the phone on speaker in order to monitor all conversation to maintain domination and control.
My sister and I wanted her in a hospital but there where no options for anything because of the lockdown.
I even considered calling the police on him for elder abuse
Affer 30 days when the lockdown began to ease up he allowed visitors and his wife and son and my sister all flew in from out of state
and went to stay at her house.
She lives 200 miles away and I drove to visit her and stayed in a hotel because of all the rampant drinking going on by them at her house
and other dysfunctional alcoholic behavior.
I am disabled, my car has transmission problems, and I have my own hardship situation. I spend much of what little money I have on medical care
for the injuries causing my disability. During the lockdown I could not get the medical attention I needed,
When I got to the hotel I was in so much pain I was literally bedridden for a day before I could drive to visit my mother
at her house where all these out of state visitors were congregating and not wearing medical masks.
I was advised by a registered nurse to wear a medical mask and not stay longer than 2 hours.. I visited my mother who was somewhat coherent.
She now as caretakers, and medical professionals but my relatives are giving her alcohol because I am sure she does not want to be in that situation,
but there is nothing I can do about it at this point and she deserves to die in peace.
I then went back to the hotel where the physical pain rendered me bedridden for the next day until I could go back to visit her again the next day after that
and she was asleep but I think she recognized me. I again followed the registered nurse's instructions to wear a mask and stay no longer than 2 hours
or else I could catch something from them or visa versa.
Now I am home again. I am grief stricken about my mother's condition and today hospice has been called in.
I did the best I could in a complicated and bad situation. I hope to go back and visit her as soon as I can but everything is a hardship and unpredictable also.
I have two doctors appointments this week, and three next week, plus I have to work to fulfill my own obligations.I basically drove 400 miles with extremely difficult circumstances to say goodbye to my mother.
My mother who is wealthy was diagnosed with brain cancer in March and my abusive alcoholic brother came to her state
and manipulated himself into power of attorney.
March 31st the day before the lockdown my brother yanked her out of the hospital and took her back to her oceanfront home
where he literally held her hostage and tried every game in the book to seize control of her estate.
He would allow no visitors, using the COVID quarantine lockdown as an excuse. Meanwhile she was being violated by him cleaning her private parts.
There is a law firm handling her estate which he is supposedly accountable to, and the bankers/accountants also. I am certain my brother ultimately failed in his ulterior agenda attempt as my mother and her husband, who died six months ago, were very astute. POA has no power over will/trusts anyway.
My brother is a lawyer who never practiced law because he has been using drugs and alcohol all of his life, he is very dysfunctional, abusive and manipulative.
My mother was very feisty and angry with him and said she wanted her phone back, her wallet back and she wanted to call her friend
and get out of there and go to a hospital. She was defensive with him and called him an instigator.
Whenever any of us would talk to her on the phone he would put the phone on speaker in order to monitor all conversation to maintain domination and control.
My sister and I wanted her in a hospital but there where no options for anything because of the lockdown.
I even considered calling the police on him for elder abuse
Affer 30 days when the lockdown began to ease up he allowed visitors and his wife and son and my sister all flew in from out of state
and went to stay at her house.
She lives 200 miles away and I drove to visit her and stayed in a hotel because of all the rampant drinking going on by them at her house
and other dysfunctional alcoholic behavior.
I am disabled, my car has transmission problems, and I have my own hardship situation. I spend much of what little money I have on medical care
for the injuries causing my disability. During the lockdown I could not get the medical attention I needed,
When I got to the hotel I was in so much pain I was literally bedridden for a day before I could drive to visit my mother
at her house where all these out of state visitors were congregating and not wearing medical masks.
I was advised by a registered nurse to wear a medical mask and not stay longer than 2 hours.. I visited my mother who was somewhat coherent.
She now as caretakers, and medical professionals but my relatives are giving her alcohol because I am sure she does not want to be in that situation,
but there is nothing I can do about it at this point and she deserves to die in peace.
I then went back to the hotel where the physical pain rendered me bedridden for the next day until I could go back to visit her again the next day after that
and she was asleep but I think she recognized me. I again followed the registered nurse's instructions to wear a mask and stay no longer than 2 hours
or else I could catch something from them or visa versa.
Now I am home again. I am grief stricken about my mother's condition and today hospice has been called in.
I did the best I could in a complicated and bad situation. I hope to go back and visit her as soon as I can but everything is a hardship and unpredictable also.
I have two doctors appointments this week, and three next week, plus I have to work to fulfill my own obligations.I basically drove 400 miles with extremely difficult circumstances to say goodbye to my mother.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Wow Wisteria, this is beyond horrific. Alcohol makes situations bad and then the pandemic on top of that and then your own medical situation on top of that.
May battalions of angels dive bomb you with grace and courage!
May battalions of angels dive bomb you with grace and courage!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Going to see someone that ill is a difficult task under any circumstances. Doing it with the challenges you are facing was extraordinary. Although she wanted to go into the hospital at some point, I wonder if NOT going in is what gave you the opportunity to visit with her.
Where I live, from my quick reading of the law, hospice employees are mandated reporters when abuse, neglect, or exploitation is suspected, so at least she has that going for her.
I am so sorry.
Where I live, from my quick reading of the law, hospice employees are mandated reporters when abuse, neglect, or exploitation is suspected, so at least she has that going for her.
I am so sorry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 11
Yes it is true that the fact she was not in the hospital is what gave me a window to visit her,
but the abuse she suffered at the hands of my brother is horrific
and staying in the hospital is what she wanted and she would have been safe.
Most of the abuse happened during the lockdown when my brother was able to isolate her.
Being vulnerable and in the care of a raging active alcoholic like my brother is abusive and beyond disturbing.
Truth is, I will be relieved when she is free of him.
I have sought out as much spiritual guidance I could find with this.
Some people have said that I did not do enough.
I made a monumental effort to visit her and did the best I could under the circumstances.
but the abuse she suffered at the hands of my brother is horrific
and staying in the hospital is what she wanted and she would have been safe.
Most of the abuse happened during the lockdown when my brother was able to isolate her.
Being vulnerable and in the care of a raging active alcoholic like my brother is abusive and beyond disturbing.
Truth is, I will be relieved when she is free of him.
I have sought out as much spiritual guidance I could find with this.
Some people have said that I did not do enough.
I made a monumental effort to visit her and did the best I could under the circumstances.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Originally Posted by WisteriaLane 
Some people have said that I did not do enough.
I made a monumental effort to visit her and did the best I could under the circumstances.
I made a monumental effort to visit her and did the best I could under the circumstances.
May you be able to detach and find as much peace as possible Wisteria. This just sounds like a situation calling for superhuman strength.
Let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by WisteriaLane
Some people have said that I did not do enough.
I made a monumental effort to visit her and did the best I could under the circumstances.
I made a monumental effort to visit her and did the best I could under the circumstances.
You did do your best; ignore the naysayers. Warmest of hugs to you from Kansas.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
I don't think alcohol and drugs are the problem. I think your brother is just a grade A piece of crap (sorry). I am sorry you have had to deal with all this on top of grieving your mother. Keep posting here x
EDIT: I forgot to add, in my country power of attorney, whilst it has legal implications, it can be removed if appealed to the office of the public guardian. I know as a medic I can appeal to them if I felt abuse was at hand. I would also question if it is even valid as valid consent needs to be obtained and given the fact that your mother has brain cancer I would look into it. Take care, get your solicitors involved.
EDIT: I forgot to add, in my country power of attorney, whilst it has legal implications, it can be removed if appealed to the office of the public guardian. I know as a medic I can appeal to them if I felt abuse was at hand. I would also question if it is even valid as valid consent needs to be obtained and given the fact that your mother has brain cancer I would look into it. Take care, get your solicitors involved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 11
My mother died last sunday. My alcoholic abusive brother now claims that he is trustee of the estate. He is making threats and saying that he is going make my inheritance of several million dollars into a trust and I will receive a very small amount every year and that I will have to scrimp, struggle and save and life will be hard. He has literally ruined my life with his abuse in the past and his actions amount to reckless endangerment. I am the oldest and they have always treated me like a scapegoat and gaslighted me. I have endured many hardships and and I am a survivor of multiple violent assaults. No one in my family ever said or did anything, They would sooner have me gone because it's always been about the money. My mother realized this in the last two years of her life and was so apologetic as she came closer to death. I love her. But my siblings are astounding in the way they continue to treat me. At this point all I care about are my legal rights.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Oh Wisteria, I am so so sorry. I'm glad your mother is no longer suffering and also glad she was apologetic towards you.
I hope you can find a good lawyer and get through this hell-scape as quickly and cleanly as possible . . . . yeah, I know it probably won't be completely possible.
I hope you can find a good lawyer and get through this hell-scape as quickly and cleanly as possible . . . . yeah, I know it probably won't be completely possible.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Get a vicious lawyer. Unless your mother specifically excluded you in her will or stipulated that your inheritance be placed in a trust, I don’t believe that your brother as executor (if she named him as such in the will) can do anything other than ensure you receive your inheritance in a timely manner, no matter what he says.
But don’t delay. If he has power of attorney that should have ended with her death and the terms of her estate would then take over, but he sounds like a crook and laws vary by state, so...
Did your mother have an attorney involved in her estate planning? You may want to contact them directly while you’re finding your own representation.
My sincere condolences for your loss.
But don’t delay. If he has power of attorney that should have ended with her death and the terms of her estate would then take over, but he sounds like a crook and laws vary by state, so...
Did your mother have an attorney involved in her estate planning? You may want to contact them directly while you’re finding your own representation.
My sincere condolences for your loss.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 11
My sister, who is the only sibling with no substance abuse issues, sent him an email requesting documentation on will/trust, executor, trustee, etc.
She received an abusive defensive email back from him deflecting the issue and saying that he was grieving and she is being disrespectful by imposing on him
when we all know that as always he is just getting wasted at my mother's oceanfront home.
Maybe I'm wrong but if he were executor or trustee then he would be elated, if he is so angry then he is like the angry alcoholic who didn't get something he wanted.
He said he has a meeting with the attorneys next week which seems like the attorneys are still in control which would be the best news possible for us.
He first claimed to be executor, then later said he was trustee. An attorney consult told me that the checking account situation sounded like POA.
If he does have any power over the estate he has a history of abusive behavior towards family members and one attorney told me
that what he did to my mother is financial elder abuse. But more than that it was physical, and extreme emotional/psychological elder abuse. Just awful.
I would like to contact that law firm and tell them face to face what he did to my mother.
She received an abusive defensive email back from him deflecting the issue and saying that he was grieving and she is being disrespectful by imposing on him
when we all know that as always he is just getting wasted at my mother's oceanfront home.
Maybe I'm wrong but if he were executor or trustee then he would be elated, if he is so angry then he is like the angry alcoholic who didn't get something he wanted.
He said he has a meeting with the attorneys next week which seems like the attorneys are still in control which would be the best news possible for us.
He first claimed to be executor, then later said he was trustee. An attorney consult told me that the checking account situation sounded like POA.
If he does have any power over the estate he has a history of abusive behavior towards family members and one attorney told me
that what he did to my mother is financial elder abuse. But more than that it was physical, and extreme emotional/psychological elder abuse. Just awful.
I would like to contact that law firm and tell them face to face what he did to my mother.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I am sorry for your loss.
Did your mother have a will? Because no matter how bro views himself, -even as a personal representative- (they're rarely called executors any more) he can't simply override what she's written and do something different.
I'd get a lawyer asap. If you and your sister can both attest to the abuse your mom experienced, it seems like a new plan for the estate would be warranted. If, in fact he has any power.
I was my husband's personal representative for his estate: that didn't mean I could withhold or do anything with the portion that went to his daughter. That was hers, per the will.
Did your mother have a will? Because no matter how bro views himself, -even as a personal representative- (they're rarely called executors any more) he can't simply override what she's written and do something different.
I'd get a lawyer asap. If you and your sister can both attest to the abuse your mom experienced, it seems like a new plan for the estate would be warranted. If, in fact he has any power.
I was my husband's personal representative for his estate: that didn't mean I could withhold or do anything with the portion that went to his daughter. That was hers, per the will.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 11
Apparently the will was changed to a trust and my brother says he is trustee.
We are waiting for documentation on the trust etc.
There is a law firm handling the estate.
Everything my brother did had to approved by the law firm and the banker.
He had my mother isolated at home dueing COVID lockdown for 30 days.
It was a terrible abusive scenario even with a few caregivers coming and going.
My brother has a law degree but never practiced law because of active addiction/alcoholism.
What he did to my mother is elder abuse, not just financial but emotional, physical and psychological.
He was giving her alcohol and narcotics to subdue her.
We are waiting for documentation on the trust etc.
There is a law firm handling the estate.
Everything my brother did had to approved by the law firm and the banker.
He had my mother isolated at home dueing COVID lockdown for 30 days.
It was a terrible abusive scenario even with a few caregivers coming and going.
My brother has a law degree but never practiced law because of active addiction/alcoholism.
What he did to my mother is elder abuse, not just financial but emotional, physical and psychological.
He was giving her alcohol and narcotics to subdue her.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I don't know where you are, and I don't want to give you false hope. If your sister and you can summon up any documentation about your brother's treatment of your mother, now is the time. I'd get records from the agency who sent caregivers over. Maybe one of their employees saw or heard something. I wouldn't stew about this. Act now, and even if it doesn't change anything, you will know you did everything you could. I have found that knowing I did everything possible made it easier to move on, even if the end result wasn't what I'd hoped.
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