Would you want to know?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Would you want to know?
Hi All,
So...after remembering that I did see a name similar to the one my XABF mentioned as being his wife on one of the background reports I ran when we first started dating (I ran it right after he told me he had a DUI---wanted to see if that was really his only one, came back he was divorced and single, so ha, goes to show)...at the time since the woman had a different last name and was listed as living there only a few months in 2018, I assumed she was an exGF.
Anyway....curiousity got the best of me--who is this person that would marry someone they only knew 2 months? I found the name and found her on facebook. Job and area of PA matches what he said...it appears she has two kids (not his). Maybe that is why they never permanently lived together? She is a nurse, or at least she works at a med center. The more I think about what he said, the more I am doubting she is physically abusive. I suspect he told me that she would beat him if I contacted her and in the end she would make sure they stay together just as a way to pull at my heart strings so I didn't contact her. I repeatedly told him on the two calls when he kept saying I should talk to her that I was not about to do it.
But I wondered----what if he is lying? What if this is actually a very caring person who is trying to help him? Similar to me....she jumped in except in her case it's a marriage (not too long, since Sept 2018)....and once in realized how sick he truly is and is distancing herself yet trying to help? And all the while he is on bumble, hooking up with me, and probably others (that was one of our fights and mini break ups, I noticed the morning after sleeping with him the second time that he had updated his profile with new pics, one of him topless in bed. When I confronted him about it because he told me he was off the app, he flipped out, changed the pics back and afew days later unmatched me)......telling me he wanted to spend his life with me, and now once he fessed up, he says she is abusive and annoys the **** out of him and he can't get rid of her. He is a very, very good talker and liar (as I am learning from reading most addicts are), very charming and super smart guy. I am sure she has no idea....assumes he is spending his days working and drinking. And he does, except he didn't tell her I was in the house working too and sleeping next to him.
I assume she knows he is a mess. I don't see how he could hide that----I mean, he did from me at first. But at this point he is drinking 12-18 bottles of beer a day; I doubt there is a day he ISN'T drinking. Maybe she is ok with it? Maybe she gets some financial benefit to this marriage I dont' see? So, while I am sure she knows his addiction issue.....I doubt she knows he had this affair (or affairs, hell, maybe I wasn't the only one). If you were her----would you want to know??
There is a risk for me reaching out to her...he is in cyber security and has amazing hacking skills. He has um, personal pics of me...and my divorce is in process. I have a high position at my job. If I **** him off, he could really f up my world....at the same time, now that I am divorcing my husband, a lot of his friends came out to tell me shady stuff he did with women over the years that I had no idea about and I wish I had known then....may have left him years ago. I keep going back and forth and lean towards just letting it go, along with all this mess......but then on her page she recently posted this meme, "Letter to myself" with the words "me
" and it was a poem all about how you tried to take care of someone at the expense of yourself, etc....SO, maybe she is on the verge and this would help her decide to dump his drunk ass?
So...after remembering that I did see a name similar to the one my XABF mentioned as being his wife on one of the background reports I ran when we first started dating (I ran it right after he told me he had a DUI---wanted to see if that was really his only one, came back he was divorced and single, so ha, goes to show)...at the time since the woman had a different last name and was listed as living there only a few months in 2018, I assumed she was an exGF.
Anyway....curiousity got the best of me--who is this person that would marry someone they only knew 2 months? I found the name and found her on facebook. Job and area of PA matches what he said...it appears she has two kids (not his). Maybe that is why they never permanently lived together? She is a nurse, or at least she works at a med center. The more I think about what he said, the more I am doubting she is physically abusive. I suspect he told me that she would beat him if I contacted her and in the end she would make sure they stay together just as a way to pull at my heart strings so I didn't contact her. I repeatedly told him on the two calls when he kept saying I should talk to her that I was not about to do it.
But I wondered----what if he is lying? What if this is actually a very caring person who is trying to help him? Similar to me....she jumped in except in her case it's a marriage (not too long, since Sept 2018)....and once in realized how sick he truly is and is distancing herself yet trying to help? And all the while he is on bumble, hooking up with me, and probably others (that was one of our fights and mini break ups, I noticed the morning after sleeping with him the second time that he had updated his profile with new pics, one of him topless in bed. When I confronted him about it because he told me he was off the app, he flipped out, changed the pics back and afew days later unmatched me)......telling me he wanted to spend his life with me, and now once he fessed up, he says she is abusive and annoys the **** out of him and he can't get rid of her. He is a very, very good talker and liar (as I am learning from reading most addicts are), very charming and super smart guy. I am sure she has no idea....assumes he is spending his days working and drinking. And he does, except he didn't tell her I was in the house working too and sleeping next to him.
I assume she knows he is a mess. I don't see how he could hide that----I mean, he did from me at first. But at this point he is drinking 12-18 bottles of beer a day; I doubt there is a day he ISN'T drinking. Maybe she is ok with it? Maybe she gets some financial benefit to this marriage I dont' see? So, while I am sure she knows his addiction issue.....I doubt she knows he had this affair (or affairs, hell, maybe I wasn't the only one). If you were her----would you want to know??
There is a risk for me reaching out to her...he is in cyber security and has amazing hacking skills. He has um, personal pics of me...and my divorce is in process. I have a high position at my job. If I **** him off, he could really f up my world....at the same time, now that I am divorcing my husband, a lot of his friends came out to tell me shady stuff he did with women over the years that I had no idea about and I wish I had known then....may have left him years ago. I keep going back and forth and lean towards just letting it go, along with all this mess......but then on her page she recently posted this meme, "Letter to myself" with the words "me
" and it was a poem all about how you tried to take care of someone at the expense of yourself, etc....SO, maybe she is on the verge and this would help her decide to dump his drunk ass?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Maddoc, in my opinion, in regard with what you have shared with us, I think it is in your best welfare to just stay "on your side of the street".
Connecting with her will serve to further entangle yourself into the dynamics of this, now, ended romantic relationship.
They are both adult individuals and need to be able to deal with their own decisions as well as the natural consequences of them--either positive or negative.
While it is typical to go through a period of mental rumination, while grieving, it is wise, in my opinion to consider any Actions taken, very carefully.
The sooner that you are able to turn your energies back to your own future and your own self examinations, the better you will feel about your loss.
Besides, if she is still hankering for him---it is easy for him and her to characterize you as one of those "Krazy jilted ex-girlfriends". I think that would be small reward for your efforts to "save her".
It may be tempting to try to save every bird with a broken wing---but, do you really have the energy for all that?
Connecting with her will serve to further entangle yourself into the dynamics of this, now, ended romantic relationship.
They are both adult individuals and need to be able to deal with their own decisions as well as the natural consequences of them--either positive or negative.
While it is typical to go through a period of mental rumination, while grieving, it is wise, in my opinion to consider any Actions taken, very carefully.
The sooner that you are able to turn your energies back to your own future and your own self examinations, the better you will feel about your loss.
Besides, if she is still hankering for him---it is easy for him and her to characterize you as one of those "Krazy jilted ex-girlfriends". I think that would be small reward for your efforts to "save her".
It may be tempting to try to save every bird with a broken wing---but, do you really have the energy for all that?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
Trust me she knows who he is. I really think it’s time to step away from this, he sounds incredibly toxic and you are allowing yourself to get pulled into his drama. I know we sometimes lose perspective when we are emotionally involved but from an outsider’s view this all sounds very unhealthy. You deserve a healthy functioning person be it friend or lover in your life.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Yes, he’s lying, and yes, she knows. Or has strong suspicions. And who knows how long she knew him before getting married? You only have his version of events.
You have nothing to gain and a TON to lose at this point (naked photos? Really?) and this sleuthing info might help you stay away from him and block his calls, but he’s still living in your head.
You have a lot on your plate addressing your own life. Processing your own divorce, figuring out why you were attracted to this guy with all his problems, and working on getting grounded on your own are all much higher priorities for you than monitoring her life or his.
You stepped in it. It happens. Next time you’ll know better.
You have nothing to gain and a TON to lose at this point (naked photos? Really?) and this sleuthing info might help you stay away from him and block his calls, but he’s still living in your head.
You have a lot on your plate addressing your own life. Processing your own divorce, figuring out why you were attracted to this guy with all his problems, and working on getting grounded on your own are all much higher priorities for you than monitoring her life or his.
You stepped in it. It happens. Next time you’ll know better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Gosh....I hope when he gets wasted he doesn’t tell her about me. I mean, of course his version will be he was lonely so he checked out the app and then he just couldn’t get rid of me. Then again, like you all have said, she knows him...or at least she has seen his antics longer than I have so hopefully she will not try to blow up my life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Maddoc, if you can, do some reading on boundaries and keeping to "your side of the street".
Whatever these people do, say or think is none of your business. I certainly understand allowing myself to go where it is none of my business. I will occasionally cave and look up my qualifier to see what he is doing; it isn't good and I know it.
Let us know what you understand about "working your own recovery", boundaries or "staying on your side of the street.". It isn't easy but it can be life changing.
Okay on that last comment, I'm off to work on finances as I so would rather think about ANYTHING than the finances that are so absolutely my problem to deal with!!!
Whatever these people do, say or think is none of your business. I certainly understand allowing myself to go where it is none of my business. I will occasionally cave and look up my qualifier to see what he is doing; it isn't good and I know it.
Let us know what you understand about "working your own recovery", boundaries or "staying on your side of the street.". It isn't easy but it can be life changing.
Okay on that last comment, I'm off to work on finances as I so would rather think about ANYTHING than the finances that are so absolutely my problem to deal with!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
The idea of being a codependent and this world of addiction is brand new to me...I mean, it was only the last few weeks I started reading these forums and looking into the issue. I had no idea the level of lying, manipulation etc that can go on. M himself said I am sheltered and naive... I think now that this relationship is dead and done, absolutely it is a great time to focus on me and my healing.
I thought 6 months of being out of my marriage was enough to start dating, especially since I felt like I was checked out and on my own the last year before I left....I underestimated the impact of having been in an almost 20 year relating a gaslighting narcissistic man had on my psyche and self esteem.
I thought 6 months of being out of my marriage was enough to start dating, especially since I felt like I was checked out and on my own the last year before I left....I underestimated the impact of having been in an almost 20 year relating a gaslighting narcissistic man had on my psyche and self esteem.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your actions are bordering on a stalking a perfect stranger. look at the amount of time you have wasted trying to track down and gather information on someone he SAYS he knows and is married to. i am curious why you believe a single WORD this man says? remember you have known him for what....5 months now? you are seeing the snowflake on the tip of the iceberg. you know nothing about him.....he could have played this con for YEARS.
please do NOT try to reach out to this poor woman? there is nothing good to come of it and it only reinforces the unhealthy activities you are currently engaged in. this guy is bad news and full of crap. easy for me to see from here......you need time and distance to get the full picture.
block him. leave her alone. focus on you.
please do NOT try to reach out to this poor woman? there is nothing good to come of it and it only reinforces the unhealthy activities you are currently engaged in. this guy is bad news and full of crap. easy for me to see from here......you need time and distance to get the full picture.
block him. leave her alone. focus on you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
He was blocked after the last call. I am not planning to contact her. Yes it did cross my mind and a few of my friends suggested I email her. But I won’t.
Poor woman has enough to deal with if they really are married. You are absolutely correct, I have zero reason to believe a word he said....
Thank you all for the feedback and advice
Poor woman has enough to deal with if they really are married. You are absolutely correct, I have zero reason to believe a word he said....
Thank you all for the feedback and advice
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Originally Posted by Maddoc78 
The idea of being a codependent and this world of addiction is brand new to me...I mean, it was only the last few weeks I started reading these forums and looking into the issue. .
Keep thinking, reading and posting here Maddoc. You seem to have a good solid learning curve.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
maddoc----I am pretty sure that you must be reading or have already read "Co-dependency No More" or are, at least chewing on it, by now.
I am thinking that you might profit from reading "Co-dependency For Dummies"---as it is a good primer on the subject. the essential bare bones.
An aide to digesting the more complex nuances of the co-dependency dynamic.
It may take a few inches off of the learning curve----lol
I am thinking that you might profit from reading "Co-dependency For Dummies"---as it is a good primer on the subject. the essential bare bones.
An aide to digesting the more complex nuances of the co-dependency dynamic.
It may take a few inches off of the learning curve----lol
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You know, it could have been worse. It’s not at all unusual for a charming addict to have two (or more) codies simultaneously so that when one gets fed up, there’s always Plan B. I was in a hellscape where he had two of us and did his best to get us focused on hating each other when things got rough...it made a great distraction. 🙄 Ironically, he pursued ME when I had been separated from my first husband for five months...it’s a vulnerable time.
Point is, now you know and you can get on with your life, yes?
Point is, now you know and you can get on with your life, yes?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
You know, it could have been worse. It’s not at all unusual for a charming addict to have two (or more) codies simultaneously so that when one gets fed up, there’s always Plan B. I was in a hellscape where he had two of us and did his best to get us focused on hating each other when things got rough...it made a great distraction. 🙄 Ironically, he pursued ME when I had been separated from my first husband for five months...it’s a vulnerable time.
Point is, now you know and you can get on with your life, yes?
Point is, now you know and you can get on with your life, yes?
Not my problem anymore. With this I set free all further thoughts of this man and last few months. Yes, moving on...
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