Cat8122

I started going out with my boyfriend in January this year. After our first date I cut out any other guys I was talking to or dating because I knew straight away there was something special about him. I later found out he did the exact same thing. We got on so well, wanted the same things out of life and had the most incredible connection. We both had difficult pasts but had, seemingly, come through them.

We live 3 and a half hours away from each other, due to this and that he has children from a previous relationship that he cares for every second weekend, we wouls

Cat8122

Sorry, i posted that too soon - here is my full post

I started going out with my boyfriend in January this year. After our first date I cut out any other guys I was talking to or dating because I knew straight away there was something special about him. I later found out he did the exact same thing. We got on so well, wanted the same things out of life and had the most incredible connection. We both had difficult pasts but had, seemingly, come through them.

We live 3 and a half hours away from each other, due to this and his working hours we would meet every 1 or 2 weeks for the entire weekend, often going away for trips together and exploring new places. During this time we would both drink but not in any way that made me worry. It seemed normal in the context of our trips away or nights out. We had an incredible time and connected on so many levels and I started to see him as someone I could have a future with.

Then Coronavirus hit and we went into lockdown here (in the UK). A few days in I suddenly didn't hear from him for a day, something that really wasn't like him. I found out when we finally spoke that he had been smoking weed and gotten so high he could barely talk. I used to smoke weed so this didn't seem like a huge deal to me if it was a one off. It happened again a couple of days later. At this point we both got told our works were closing due to Coronanvirus. We talked and decided I would go stay with him during lockdown so we could still be together and see each other. When i went to stay with him, everything was perfect. We had an amazing time together, absolutely zero issues despite being together constantly at such an early stage in our relationship. However almost every night he would drink, usually at least a 6 pack of beer but manh nights it was a 12 pack (at least 3 nights a week) and sometimes more. I was there for 6-7 weeks and in that whole time I can count on one hand the number of nights that he didn't drink. He could drink at least 9 before it started to affect his behaviour and even then it didn't change it in a bad way, he would be happy and cheery but just very chatty. Most of the nights he didnt drink, he smoked weed instead so there were only actually a couple of nights where he wasn't drunk or high. At first I thought it was maybe because of lockdown and he was treating it like a holiday but I started to realise that it wasn't. I tried to raise it with him in lighthearted ways and he would joke that he drinks cos he wants to and not cos he needs to.

Then, last Tuesday I finally raised it with him seriously and said I was worried about the amount that he drank and that he could potentially have a drinking dependency. He just blew up and started shouting that he wasn't going to change for anyone and shouldn't need to justify anything he did. He said he refused to walk on eggshells in his own house. I kept trying to talk calmly to him but he refused and would keep shouting that he wasn't talking about anything or arguing. I asked if i should leave and he said at first that he didn't know then eventually yes and that we should have a break from each other. Everything had been perfect between us and he had been planning holidays for us at the end of the year, clearing his cupboard without me asking so I could have more space in his house for my things. Now he was suddenly telling me that he'd been thinking recently we needed some space. He said he didn't want it to be over but we needed a break.

I packed my stuff and left and drove the 3 1/2 hours home. I messaged him saying that we were done and that I wasn't being treated like that. He replied telling me he was sorry that I deserve better than him. I tried calling him at this point and he didn't answer.

I messaged him the next day telling him he had stuff he needed to sort out but that we had had a good time and I thought we should talk in the near future when we were ready. He didn't respond. I tried calling again the next day and he didn't answer but sent me a message saying that he needed some time and space to get his thoughts together, but that he was glad I got home safe. I replied telling him that I didn't want us to be done yet.

I haven't heard anything from him since. I know that he's pushed me away because I challenged his drinking, it was great and fine when I didn't say anything about it but as soon as I did then he's wanted me away so that he can carry on drinking. It just feels so horrible when everything had been so good. I know i need to let it go but part of me wishes i just hadn't said anything and we'd just carried on, because the way he drank didn't actually affect me negatively but when i started to see it was a potential addiction, then obviously you don't want someone you love to be trapped in that. I know that i couldn't have been happy in myself if I had just gone along without saying anything though. It just really hurts and i really miss him and feel horrible not hearing anything from him this whole time.


​​​​​​​

California123

Sounds like a tough situation, but I think moving on without him is the right thing to do. This first incident was just the tip of the iceberg, and it laid the foundation for all the feelings and issues you would have faced going forward. Eventually you'd develop more fear for him and the damage he does to himself, then you'd start to resent him and get bitter everytime he inevitably cracks a beer. Then the bitterness would come out between you two, and the cycle would continue. And that's not even taking into account future incidents that would come as a result of his addiction. You would end up paying a much greater price in terms of long term pain than the pain you will feel for the short term now. It's just not possible for a healthy relationship to exist when substance abuse is involved, in my opinion. Move on, there are plenty of men out there that won't give you this anxiety.

ironwill

Hi Cat,
Sorry too hear about the situation that you are in. I know you said it not affecting you negatively, but you wouldn't of said something if it wasn't bothering you. You needed to say something. Sweeping it under the rug, just to preserve the happiness would of made your life worse down the line. You cared about this guy and only wanted him to not go down the wrong path. That took courage to do. The fact that he acted the way he did, shows that he has been drinking for a long time and alcohol already has a hold on him.
You did the right thing in leaving. There is nothing more you could of done to help him. You told him how you felt about the drinking. Remember you didn't cause it. You can't control it, and you can't cure it. The three C's.
I know you are sad now thinking about him. Thinking you had found this great guy who you connected with. Wondering if he is OK. Unless he gets help and focuses on that recovery, their is not a life with him. Like California said, their are lots of guys out there that won't give you this anxiety.
Keep being and know you can always came here to talk.

dandylion

Cat, you did the right thing for your own welfare. Of course. you are missing him. because you were attracted to him and you began to invest your hopes and dreams for the relationship. And, you are going to feel the loss of that dream for a while. It won't always feel this bad. as you move forward.I concur with California 123 that you have avoided a future of increasing pain and regret.You can hope, for him, that, he might seek a life of sobriety, in the future----but he sounds pretty entrenched in his alcoholism at the present, There would have been absolutely nothing that you could do to change that, I hope that you will take advantage of this forum for information and support. I think you would benefit from reading the most frequently recommended book on this forum---"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think you will find a lot of it resonating with you.

velma929

I suppose hindsight is 20/20, and here's mine from the outside looking in:
If not for the pandemic, the two of you might never had had the time to spend together that you did. It's possible you would have continued to see one another two or three times a month - but for how long would that have been adequate? Three months, six? If you had wanted to have a day-to-day relationship, who was going to move to accommodate that plan? Were you going to give up a job and home and move in? I'm sure you wouldn't have encouraged your man to move away from his children.
You could have (would have) been many more months down the road before you realized the depth of his issues. And what about his children who disappeared from your first post? I'm guessing staying with their mum during the pandemic? Children complicate things, *mothers* of children complicate things, too. You don't mention her OR them, so they weren't even on the radar during your stay. I can't even imagine what his drinking would have looked like with those issues factored in.
I can't imagine what visits with his children are like for them with him either drunk or stoned every night.

The ability to drink a six-pack or more every night indicates an astounding addiction. Many would be unconscious after drinking that much.
He made his stand clear, didn't he? He's not going to change, and it's said often that if love could change people, none or us would be here. You wrote 'the way he drank didn't affect me negatively' but there wasn't time. What if he lost a job because of drinking and you had to support him? What i if you were caring for his children because he was drunk? What if his baby-momma (or the kids) resented you? That's difficult under the best of circumstances, but having an alkie for your backup there would have been problems.
There are people out there that would cherish a devoted partner. This man wasn't one of them.

Cat8122

Thanks for the replies. In response to the question about his children and their mother, I think this may be where the addiction has stemmed from. His ex has mental health issues and was previously sectioned, during this time he was given temporary care of the children. Once she was able to prove she was stable again the children were returned to her but her mental health is still quite unsteady and while I was there she would randomly send him abusive messages and decide that he was not to have any contact with the children and tell him that they weren't his. He contacted social services to tell them he was concerned but they visited and said that everything seemed ok so there was nothing he could do. I think he would drink at nights to block this out as he was most likely to drink heavily after these episodes.

I know that I'm saving myself from future pain and his reaction shows how deep he is in this hole, just the way the amount he is able to drink shows how long it must have been going on for for his body to be ok with it. But I question if it would have all been ok if I just ignored the fact it was alcohol and treated it like him drinking anything else, like soda say., because I was still really happy. Can anyone be happy living with an alcoholic?

Cat8122

Also, in terms of the distance. Prior to meeting him I was already planning on moving to an area half an hour away from him, that's part of how we met. So in terms of a relationship that's not an issue. The only issue is the alcohol.

SparkleKitty

Alcoholism is a progressive condition. Left untreated, it only gets worse.
You would have had to pretend you were not seeing what you were seeing. Eventually you would have gotten pretty tired of being in the company of someone so checked out. You did the right thing getting now. Eventually you will also be able to let go and realize there are plenty of healthy people out there who do not need drugs and alcohol to get through life.

dandylion

Cat, his ex wife cannot be a valid reason that he is an alcoholic. It may well be the excuse that he gives to justify his drinking. Alcoholics drink in order to deal with their emotions---both positive and negative emotions. they drink to celebrate a raise at work, and they drink whenever they feel elevated stress from just about anything, I know a man who said that he went on a binge because his tomato plants got hit with the frost, I have heard of a man who got drunk to celebrate the cat's birthday. lol---that one was reported, here, on this forum. A basic fact, that underlines all alcoholism, is that an alcoholic cannot just have one drink, or a little bit of alcohol. They lose control over the alcohol, at that point, They can never drink like a non-alcoholic, social drinker can. This, is however, the fondest wish of alcoholics---that they can consume alcohol like a non-alcoholic.Furthermore, all practicing alcoholics will give an excuse for why the drink---and excuse that is an OUTSIDE source. I worked treating alcoholics for many years, and I have known many, many alcoholics---and, my husband;s good friend owned a bar/restaurant, where we visited lots of times. I cannot tell you how many times that the alcoholic would give a story about how their ex-wife or ex-girlfriend caused them to drink---to drink to excess. the truth of it is, that most every one of those guys began a pattern of drinking early in their life and drank a lot before they met the women in their life. Alcoholism is progressive---it gets worse over time. In your case, if you had continued the relationship---as the relationship went South as a result of the drinking---it is predictable that you would have become listed as a reason for his continued drinking. It would be called relationship stress. Even if you were a perfect person--it wouldn't matter. Sure, mental illness in a marriage is a stressor---no doubt. But, lots of spouses have faced this situation without coping by drinking. Alcoholics, do, though.
About the idea of pretending that he was only drinking soda or, say, for example that it was vegetable juice---I think that would only trying to put your head in the sand, Nothing you did or didn't do would have changed HIS alcoholism and the pain that would be facing you, at the time or in the future.
I hope that you will stick around this forum, because you can learn a lot about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones,

Smarie78

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I think you really did the right thing. I too found out about 5 months after I met my "perfect" man that he was an alcoholic. Things like you mentioned happened and I initially blew them off. The one or two times where he went dead silent on me only later finding out he was on a binge. I dismissed them and just went on trying to ignore what my gut was telling me. Eventually i spent years in a hell with him that got progressively worse. I had a very big opportunity to get out early when the first big incident happened and I ignored it. I am not saying you should do the same, but I really don't believe people change and if they do it tends not to happen because we get mad at them. This lockdown is also not helping as people are finding comfort and escape in substances. Given both what seem to me like excessive use of drinking with drugs, he does not seem like a healthy partner to me. I know it is painful because you feel you "ruined it" by saying something, but just know that keeping quiet might keep him content as can be. But that same submissiveness will turn into resentment every time you see him take a sip or a puff. You may think now it would have been better had you not said anything, but do you really believe that? sure he may not have gotten angry and closed you out, but do you really want to be with someone like this? I will tell you, it is a very miserable and difficult life to live with an addict or a problem drinker or however you want to call it. Count yourself lucky that it's only been a few months - don't make the same mistake I and many others make and fall into codependency and forgiveness and being taken advantage of.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. Take the bullet and run.

trailmix

Yes. If you accept (not ignore) ACCEPT the drinking. Keep in mind that alcoholism is a progressive thing, you have seen the amount he can consume now and still remain "soberish" that will increase. Alcohol changes the mind as well as the body.

Also, when you challenged him, he drew back and asked you to leave. Do you want to be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life? I don't know what your future plans are for your life but hopefully you would never consider having children with this man. Alcoholics do not make good parents.

There are a lot of considerations here if you do decide to pursue this. Just keep in mind that the alcohol will always come first, before you, before his wellbeing even, before everything, you will always be second or third or forth down the list of priorities You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Please educate yourself on addiction, not for him, for you.
You might find these threads helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also these articles:
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html

Cat8122

Thank you for the support and the links- i have been looking through them and some have definitely been helpful. Some have also made me question if I could just accept it. The thing is I could accept it as it is now, but as folk have said, if it's progressive then I don't know how bad it would get in the future. I have also seen that he is so deep in if anything gets questioned he just shuts himself off and drinks more to block it out.

I wrote the letter below to him. I don't know if I will ever send it but it felt quite cathartic to write down on paper. I would love to send it to him if I thought it might help him to see there's an issue, even if I still don't go back, for him to get better, but i don't think he's in that place. It's not likely to be well received but then if I'm not going back there would that really matter?

Here it is:
It’s been (however many weeks) now. You might want and need more time but I’m at the point where I’m going to need to start shutting down the feelings I had so I can look after myself.
You’re gonna get pissed at me saying the rest of this but I’m gonna say it anyway because one day when you’re ready to acknowledge things maybe it will help you to take stock.

I don’t think you’re a bad guy, in fact the opposite- I think you’re pretty amazing. I was worried that you weren’t drinking because you enjoyed it but because you needed it. Your reaction highlighted that to be true. When I shined even a tiny bit of light on the drinking you blew up, because you don’t want anyone to stop you from doing it because it’s something you need. I get you have loads of **** in your life and drink blocks out the emotions from that. If you’re not drinking then you need something else to block it all out.

When I raised it, literally because I cared about you and for no other reason, you then just pushed me away and started to read into any minorly negative thoughts you’d had recently to back up your immediate need to not have me around. It could have been so easy for us to talk for 5 minutes and move past all this. But because I raised the issue with drinking, and that’s touched on something you don’t want being touched on, then in your mind I immediately became this overbearing presence to you that you needed away from you, so you could drink in peace because if you don’t drink or you don’t smoke those thoughts and feelings you don’t want to be having come back. It wouldn’t surprise me if since I left you’ve been telling yourself all these reasons why we’re not right for each other, why it wouldn’t work, when really the only issue is that you don’t want me to be a block to your drinking.

There is zero wrong with drinking, smoking or drugs when it’s because of the pleasure or experiences you get from them. When it becomes a coping strategy for other things, that’s when it becomes a problem. You are a young, fit and healthy guy and you’re fun when you’re drinking and still good chat and able to get to work and take care of your kids when you have them, so you might not see the issue yet. But my dad was a musician who would go touring and he doesn’t drink much for a reason. I’ve grown up seeing so many of his friends have issues with drink. I saw plenty of it in journalism and TV work too. It’s a progressive thing, it doesn’t just stop or get better one day, it just keeps getting worse. Seeing some of my dad’s oldest friends and my brother’s mentor in the TV industry getting alcohol-induced dementia and dying due to a lifetime of alcohol abuse in their 50s is heart-breaking. Drinking is great, drugs are great, but both can destroy you, and the people who love you most, if they control you or you’re dependent on them. I just didn’t want to see that happen to you.

You say you’re an ********, you’re not, you’re a really good guy and even though you were a total dick to me that day, I get it. You didn’t even want to talk to me or to say bye because it was more emotions to face up to and deal with. And I get you’ve got enough of them on your plate already. It’s easier just to shut stuff out, but maybe this is the right thing and you have enough **** going on that you need to shut any additional stuff out, a new relationship being one of them. But that only works if you learn to manage the initial problems that you had in the first place. Blocking out your emotions to them with drink and drugs isn’t going to help you to do that.

You’re the smartest person I’ve met in a long time, kind and thoughtful and fun to be with, and I’ve not met anyone who loves their kids more than you. You said that I deserve better, so do you.
Your boys are so lucky to have a dad that loves them like you do but your kids are educated by what you are and not by what you say. So remember who you are and who you need to be for them. You are not your past. All that **** and those dark times you’ve been through have made you the person you are now, and that’s a different person to who you were in those times because every single experience you’ve had since then has changed you and you are constantly evolving into someone else. You are who you are now, and in this moment.

From my perspective, the thing I could see that ****** with your head the most was not only being stopped from seeing or speaking to your kids, but the idea that there was no end in sight. Your ex has custody and you just have access so she holds all the cards and you have no control over that and the thought that that is the way it will be until they are old enough to choose themselves must tear you up. It was ******* horrible to see what was being done to you never mind how it must be for you. You want to be a part of their life, to know that you are shaping them as they grow up to become a reflection of the best parts of you. But you can’t get custody because of your job. Well if you had someone stable at home, who worked hours that fit with school hours and could demonstrate the ability to support you in providing a secure home for them, you would potentially stand a chance of getting 50/50 shared custody. I never wanted to say this before because it would have seemed crazy and we were nowhere near there yet, but maybe it’s worth remembering for your future and whoever you end up with. But that’s what makes this really sad for me. Apart from just missing being around you and with you, there was so much potential there for how good the future could have been- we could have had all these epic trips and adventures, you could potentially have ended up in a strong position to get your boys without your ex being able to hold all the cards and take that away from you, we could have made an amazing team for anything we wanted to do. But none of that is ever going to be possible, with me or anyone else, if you use drink or drugs to stop yourself from feeling or facing up to the things that you don’t want to.

You’ll probably have read this and gotten really angry and started thinking, “Fuck her. Who the **** does she think she is? She knows **** all about me.” You’ll maybe go on a rant to your pals who will back you up and say ‘fuck her, you don’t need that **** or someone telling you what to do’. In fact you’ve probably had those conversations already. But I really hope that one day it’ll hit home. You are all about freedom and free will, but you will never truly be free if there is something that has a hold on you. And if you need it to get through bad moments then it has that hold.

It’s obvious from everything you’ve said and done since I raised the drink issue that you’re not ready to face up to things and I get that it’s really hard to do. But I know you can because you’re a strong person and I really hope that one day you will because your life will be stuck in a painful limbo until that happens and you are worth way more than that.

California123

I also think that looking for the "reason" a person drinks is normal, but a fruitless drill. We want to try to understand, perhaps it's a way to fix the problem if we can only get them to come to grips with their past or emotions or whatever it may be. But the truth is, I think with alcoholics that many, not all, simply get addicted to the rush of endorphins they feel when they take a drink. Past trauma in my opinion has little to do with it. Sure, the trauma may cause their baseline endorphin level to be lower, but from my experience what I have judged it is the shot of adrenaline and happiness they get from that initial drink that causes the addiction. I believe this would be the case for most addicts, regardless of past. There a millions of addicts with normal pasts and lives and to try to pin it on something as if it will fix the issues if addressed, will likely not work--

SparkleKitty

I think it was wonderful for you to write that letter and get it all out.

That being said, if you want to avoid a world of hurt, please don't send it.

Cat8122

I can see where you're coming from California and you obviously know way more on this area than me, but seeing the reasons why he might drink is also what tells me why he may not ever admit it to himself and why a future with this guy could be a constant cycle of pain. Literally everyone around him in his life is either an excessive drinker, drug user or alcoholic. Literally everyone, his parents, his friends, his work colleagues. If I wanted to support him in getting better, even if he also wanted to, he would literally have all these people around him encouraging him to join in with him. I also didn't mean before that he drinks because of his ex, but to block out the feelings that come from that. He won't face up to them and deal with them so he gets drunk so he doesn't have to. If the reason he drinks is to deal with difficult situations then that's also something that he won't ever be able to escape. So thinking about it in those terms makes me feel stronger about the decision to walk away. I keep going up and down with it though and flitting between feeling it's the right thing, then thinking of how good it was and that i could carry on living that way if i just accept that he drinks more than may appear normal to most. I know that's not realistic though. The drink itself might not have been a problem in the sense that he's a nice drunk, but his reaction to be bringing it up as an issue was a problem and shows how he deals with difficult situations.

Cat8122

Thanks Sparkle. Why do you think I shouldn't send it?

Ariesagain

I’m in no way as smart as Sparkle, but here’s my opinion anyway...

1) He’ll never read it all. It’s the last thing he wants to hear once, let alone a thousand words of it.

2) He’ll read enough of it to try to argue your points, because his addiction must be protected at all costs. So you’ll get sucked in further as he engages you in a fruitless debate.

3) He’s surrounded by people just like him and no doubt some who are even further down the path...

Ariesagain

Got called away...

My most salient point is that if you send it to him, you’re still engaging with him.

I wish you peace and clarity.

Cat8122

You're right, Aries. I know he won't read it all, i guess i was just hoping that maybe one day, when he feels ready to address it (if he ever does) that he might be able to look back on it and reflect a bit, even if I'm long gone by then.

I think part of what I'm finding hard is that I haven't heard from him since last Tuesday. I keep asking myself why he cares so little for me after things had been so perfect, that he can just cut me out like this. But then i try to remind myself that it's not me and not to take it personally. The drink comes first.