Ariesagain

You’re wiser than you know.

One more thing...I hope you’ll do some reading of all the threads here and see how very, very common this pattern is. The addict love bombs a new codependent relentlessly, makes sure everything is just magical and romantic, and then once the codependent is hooked in, then the games begin.

It’s miserably hard to walk away from, but it’s even worse to stay enmeshed. I’ve been there...most of us have.

Keep that letter and use it to remind yourself why you needed to walk away.

SparkleKitty

Aries said it pretty good.

velma929

He certainly is at a disadvantage if the people around him modeled self destructive behavior, but he's an adult who is making his own choices.
If he's anywhere as perceptive as you seem to think he is, he knows that other people have other coping mechanisms. He has chosen drugs as his.
He wasn't put on earth to live up to your expectations.

Jamie123

Hello. I'm new here. Typing on my cell and crying. I just ended the relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend of 1 year. We talked briefly, and I took all of my belongings. I feel overwhelming sadness.

California123

You should put a post on here when you feel up to it---explain your situation and perspective. It will be very helpful. Was a life saver for me for sure. Some very smart and experienced people here.

trailmix

This is asked often, how can they just turn off those feelings like you were never in their life!

You've really already answered that. He's using alcohol to block painful feelings - that includes missing you.
It's not just the being drunk, alcohol literally changes the brain, literally changes the way it functions and how its receptors work, whenever you try to apply some "normal" logic to this situation, it doesn't seem to work right? Everything was great! We laughed a lot, had great conversations, got on like a house on fire. Who wouldn't want that??

The guy you were dating.

Because he wants to drink. He's not drinking at you, he's just drinking. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. In what I imagine would be a perfect relationship with him, he wouldn't drink or just be a minor social drinker. Neither of those things are reality and if he ever does decide to quit he's going to need a lot of help to figure out his problems and learn coping mechanisms. You don't even know him as a sober person. Alcoholics, in recovery, can never have a few social drinks.

As for the letter, I don't know if you should send it or not but I do know people don't change one second before they want to. You saw his over-reaction to your questioning his drinking, I would expect the same reaction today.

When you think about accepting it, remember that you moved in together during a quarantine, that may not even be what he's like. Prior to that you only saw him every week or two for a couple of days. Maybe he likes to go for drinks after work, maybe many nights are spent in the bar, you just don't know. He is emotionally unavailable, can you accept that too? Can you accept him being too drunk to do - whatever, a family dinner, visiting friends, heck having friends over, can you deal with him getting drunk every time?

trailmix

Hi Jamie, glad you found us. I too hope you will start a new thread and let us know about you and your situation. Lots of support here for you.

dandylion

Cat, I think that we often assume that the other person feels identical to the exact way that we do, about the same thing. Reality tells us that this is often not the case. We cannot ever know, for sure, exactly what another person is thinking or feeling or what a particular thing or experience means to them. I think this is especially true in a short time frame,

Cat8122

Thank you trailmix. This has helped massively. I never thought about how drinking could change the way your brain actually works and knowing that somehow makes it easier to remember how deep the problem is and that it's not me. And somehow that makes it feel a bit easier.

Cat8122

I just want to say thank you to everyone for the responses and I hope you don't mind if I continue to check in here to keep myself on track. I know I don't want to accept it, it's not even the drinking itself that bothers me because that doesn't change his personality and he is still great when drunk, but it's the other stuff that comes with an addiction, like blocking out emotions so he doesn't need to feel them or deal with them. It's also the progressiveness of an addiction that scares me, how much worse it could get in the future. But i keep feeling like I have these moments of clarity when I know that walking away is the right thing, and then I think about how good it was and start thinking that I could accept his drinking if I knew it could just stay that way. But it might not and I'm 33 and want kids of my own and I don't have the time to hang on hoping he will see the light and want to make the change himself.

I think I'm also starting to realise some of my own issues that are making me think it's ok to accept behaviour that most others I know wouldn't. My sister said to me yesterday that if someone ever rejects her she sees it as their loss and never takes it personally, i have always done the opposite and question what's wrong with me and why don't they want me and then will be desperate to know that they want me for the validation. I have my own history of a different type of addiction and was bulimic for over 13 years. Last year I separated from my ex husband who was a fantastic guy but we wanted completely different lives. I stayed with him and married him knowing this, because i was too scared to leave in case I didn't find anything else (although we did love each other, i just knew that I was giving up what i wanted from my life to be with him). I'm starting to look at myself now and look at the decisions I'm making because I can only work on myself. Think it's just hard for me not to analyse things and look at how I can help people to change their behaviours because I teach young people with behavioural problems so it's just natural to me, but they're not alcoholics and their behaviour comes from different places.

dandylion

Cat---your example of your sister reminds me of one basic indicator of self esteem."When a person of good self esteem meets a new person, they ask themselves "What do I think of them?"when a person of low self esteem meets a new person, they ask themselves "What do they think of me?"
The above quote that I took from one of the writings of Dr. Nathaniel Brandon who is a psychiatrist who did a lot of writing and teaching for his peers on the subject of love and self esteem. that p articular quote has always stuck in my mind. In fact, I came to understand/believe that anyone who did not appreciate me or what I have to offer is missing out on a good thing!

dandylion

cat----I dedicate the following song for you
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...=en-US&plvar=0

Cat8122

Thanks for that, that's made me smile!
Hopefully this can help to make me a stronger person with more respect for myself. This experience might not be a bad thing for me if I can learn and grow from it. I just need to be strong in myself and my emotions and feelings.

dandylion

Cat----yes, I agree. Another thing that Nathaniel Brandon taught was that one doesn't just wave a wand and suddenly have self esteem---that one builds good self esteem by doing esteemable actions and having esteem building experiences.I think that looking after your best welfare and walking away from a destructive relationship is an esteem building action.

trailmix

Yes, having children with an alcoholic when they are not in solid recovery is an uphill climb for sure. I'm sure as you read around this forum you will find many stories you can relate to on that. You can't be drunk and engaged with people, it just doesn't work. If you have ever been drunk or even seriously tipsy, just imagine that 4-5 times a week, how engaged would you be in relationships?

Also recovery takes time and lots of it. Even if he decided today to throw away the alcohol and seriously recover, it can take years of therapy to undo the damage done.

I hope you will keep posting! You know, although you are doubting your strength in all this, you are really thinking very clearly about it. I think you are stronger and wiser than you know.