AH trying to ruin Mother’s Day
 

Stomping around sulking, ignoring me, gave me a minimal gift card sort of the way you tip lousy to let them know you didn’t forget. He’s jealous that the kids don’t like him. I don’t want to care or be hurt, but I am. Trying not to tell him he sucks.

Nobody can ruin a holiday----any holiday like an alcoholic! Soooo self centered. I know that you would like to be appreciated and honored----but, you may have to lower the bar on expectaions. That way, you won't get so disappointed, in the future.anyway----you are not his mother. this is about the kids and their mother.

Can I tell him he’s an a hole?

Pizza, you can do whatever you want. Just don't pretend that calling him names will change anything. This is who he is.

Oh I know.

As momentarily satisfying at that would be, all it’s likely to do is what he’s trying to do...cause a fight.

Sometimes it’s like dealing with toddlers having tantrums, yes? Any attention they get just rewards that behavior.

Ignore him and try to enjoy your day? The only way to win is to refuse to play.

Of course, but instead of letting yourself feel down, remember that he's ruining his own day by acting badly.Â

And today, he’s bitching that the kids called him an a hole for how he treated me yesterday. I didn’t say a word to them, just their observation...poor him

pizza, I am sure that anyone in the environment could see his deplorable behavior.No child should have to be in the position of defending their mother. That is too much pressure on their young shoulders. Sure, they love you, and I am sure that you feel validated by their defending you---but, they will carry the effects of this into their own adult lives and their own relationships in any number of ways.
No child should be or be allowed to call a parent vile names. Even if the parent deserves it. I hope that you will arrange counseling for the children and yourself to find healthier ways to protect them and give them a better outlet for expression of their own anxiety and stress regarding this family situation.

This. Don't rely on him for anything. When you expect nothing, and get nothing, there is no surprise. You must be able to find happiness within yourself and the rest of your support system.


QUOTE=Ariesagain;7442144]As momentarily satisfying at that would be, all it’s likely to do is what he’s trying to do...cause a fight.

Sometimes it’s like dealing with toddlers having tantrums, yes? Any attention they get just rewards that behavior.

Ignore him and try to enjoy your day? The only way to win is to refuse to play.[/QUOTE]

This is such a toxic environment for the kids. I grew up in this kind of environment, and it had life-long effects, including me turning to alcohol myself to deal with the pain and anger of my family.

This is so true for so many. Be the hero and don't engage.

We each have counseling (not AH, he refuses). And I’ve told them a number of ways they can withdraw from interacting with AH or express themselves appropriately. They’re not little kids.

It’s that they just have had enough of him, they’ve seen me stand up to him (appropriately), and they don’t have the patience for his BS. I’ve also pointed out to them that I can and do defend myself, and that if I don’t respond, it’s not out of fear but out of detachment. They think that’s cowardice. They tell
me I’m wrongly defending AH if I tell them to be civil. Even when AH has a point.

I feel plenty guilty about how they’ve lived and I don’t need any more guilt, I’m all filled up. We’re in the middle of a quarantine and I’m doing what I can to keep things calm. If we’re going to make moves it will need to be after the pandemic.

pizza, my intention is not to make you feel guilty. It is just that I know how miserable an environment can feel when there is one overbearing and destructive person in the mix. I have been in such places and it has a negative effect on everyone. It is almost like one can feel it in the air.I would imagine that it is so frustrating to the kids as they are young adults---almost and can probably see the unfairness or injustice of it all. And, they can probably feel that it is wrong foe him to "get by" with such behavior. I suppose that it is normal for them to have the desire to protect you. I do get it that the pandemic has made home life really extraordinarily hard on so many households. It seems like it has put lots of peoples' lives on hold.

<p>The reality is, when you live in the same home and have to watch someone gaslight and emotionally abuse, it's really difficult to just step away and detatch from it. Even if you're not a little kid.</p><p><br></p><p>It's hard for you. It's hard for them. </p>