How to divorce a narcissist - need advice
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Our therapists are grossly unaware of some of the issues. I have asked my friends to recommend based on their experience. Thank you. What really hit me from all of your responses is how I never speak about me and what I want. It's the wishful thinking that if he fixes himself everything will be ok.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Originally Posted by Ituvia 
I also don't want to abandon him when he has a diagnosis.
I wonder how many people end up physically abused or worse because they felt guilty leaving an unpredictable, unstable person ?
Whether 'he has a diagnosis' or not, what YOU are experiencing is exactly the same. He might be ill, he might just be a jerk, those two things are not mutually exclusive.
I could rattle off probably a dozen Americans in news-worthy cases, now in cemeteries owing to someone who 'had a diagnosis."
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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He called my dad and mentioned that he has left money so we don't have to go out during the lockdown. I am completely baffled. He has told my dad that he will not be bothering me for the next two or three months while he works on himself. Part of me wants to see what he brings up after three months. Maybe I'm being too naive. Is it not fair to give the marriage a chance? We've only been married six months. I also want to work with my therapist to address my fear of abandonment.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by Ituvia
......
Part of me wants to see what he brings up after three months. Maybe I'm being too naive. Is it not fair to give the marriage a chance? We've only been married six months.......
Part of me wants to see what he brings up after three months. Maybe I'm being too naive. Is it not fair to give the marriage a chance? We've only been married six months.......
Also keep in mind he obviously has people that either validate his behavior or gin him up maybe literally. It's a 50% divorce in many places today so your not doing anything wrong or unique.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Ituvia, try to enjoy the peace and quiet, yes?
This is frequently one of the tactics once the bombardment has failed...silence.
Next, he may find a new relationship, or make one up, to see if that gets a reaction from you.
Other tactics are claiming a serious illness or injury or threatening to commit suicide, so don’t be surprised,okay? Just because you’ve put up with his behaviors these many years doesn’t mean you have to serve a life sentence.
This is frequently one of the tactics once the bombardment has failed...silence.
Next, he may find a new relationship, or make one up, to see if that gets a reaction from you.
Other tactics are claiming a serious illness or injury or threatening to commit suicide, so don’t be surprised,okay? Just because you’ve put up with his behaviors these many years doesn’t mean you have to serve a life sentence.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Why don't YOU take the next three months and do the same. Let go of the outcome you wish for, or the one you think you should expect, and just focus on taking care of yourself and figuring out who YOU are.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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He is going to be coming to my place to return my documents which my father asked. I guess he will try to speak to me about how he is going to work on himself. I'm already speaking to a therapist. I am reading codependent no more.
i don't know what else to do. I will take a couple of months away from him I suppose to work on myself.
i don't know what else to do. I will take a couple of months away from him I suppose to work on myself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Ituvia----if you want to learn more about co-dependency (in addition to reading your boojk)---I suggest the following options
1. If you have the ability to view youtube videos---there are tons of videos on youtube about the subject---just google "youtube co-dependency videos" and they will all come up.
2. I realize that you can't get amazon books delivered to your country---but you can order a co-dependency work book through one of your local libraries. I think you would find it to be helpful for you to learn more about the subject as it may relate to you, specifically.
1. If you have the ability to view youtube videos---there are tons of videos on youtube about the subject---just google "youtube co-dependency videos" and they will all come up.
2. I realize that you can't get amazon books delivered to your country---but you can order a co-dependency work book through one of your local libraries. I think you would find it to be helpful for you to learn more about the subject as it may relate to you, specifically.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Sparkle Kitty has very good advice. I had to learn along the way how to deal with my AH narc out of sheer desperation I did some things which were very helpful to my divorce and sanity. They are as follows:
1) I will only communicate with him via email period. (there's still enough drama and chaos that comes through but I choose when Im ready to deal with it and it's all in writing. I also have his email automatically dump into a file folder so its not coming across in my inbox and just sitting there)
2) I kept a timeline - when the gaslighting/and other behaviors gets bad its so much easier to look back at the timeline and see the craziness of it all.
3) I blocked him on everything except email.
4) I have stock answers at the ready. My AH narc uses our children to try and get info its transparent and gross. "telling the truth is never an issue", "how does that make you feel?" I made myself a promise that I would not ever say anything ugly about their father and I have kept it, and its been difficult let me be honest, but that would only hurt my kids in the end.
5) I made myself a promise that if my kids/family were to get all the court records, etc. they could read it and KNOW that I told the truth and behaved with integrity.
6) On the instances when AH Narc and I were going to be in the same room/building whatever I am NEVER alone so there will always be a witness to his behavior.
7) I did/do not have any contact with any of his friends/family (although one called me out of the blue early on and said he saw the behavior and was praying for me and our kids which was super nice and validating)
8) I was open and honest with my family and friends about what I had been going thru for so many years. People will disappoint you and that's okay. If someone who I had been honest with asked me to give it another try my response would be "why would you want that for me?"
I started to see dealing with narc like training a toddler with temper tantrums. When they throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming, ignore and walk away. Hate to say it but as the "training" continues the behaviors will ramp up for a good period of time, they never go away completely. Your narc is spiraling and when you stop engaging he will do anything to suck you back into the drama. After a period of time (mine has been a long one) he will know you will not engage so guess what he will move onto getting his "fix" from others. In my case sometimes its been my kids, sometimes others but here's the thing the new people SEE it, and now there are more witnesses to his behavior. There is a very long list of witnesses, people who were strangers when it started which will now be testifying. When you finally get past the gravitational suck of the narc. you will have peace like you've never known I promise you. Hugs
1) I will only communicate with him via email period. (there's still enough drama and chaos that comes through but I choose when Im ready to deal with it and it's all in writing. I also have his email automatically dump into a file folder so its not coming across in my inbox and just sitting there)
2) I kept a timeline - when the gaslighting/and other behaviors gets bad its so much easier to look back at the timeline and see the craziness of it all.
3) I blocked him on everything except email.
4) I have stock answers at the ready. My AH narc uses our children to try and get info its transparent and gross. "telling the truth is never an issue", "how does that make you feel?" I made myself a promise that I would not ever say anything ugly about their father and I have kept it, and its been difficult let me be honest, but that would only hurt my kids in the end.
5) I made myself a promise that if my kids/family were to get all the court records, etc. they could read it and KNOW that I told the truth and behaved with integrity.
6) On the instances when AH Narc and I were going to be in the same room/building whatever I am NEVER alone so there will always be a witness to his behavior.
7) I did/do not have any contact with any of his friends/family (although one called me out of the blue early on and said he saw the behavior and was praying for me and our kids which was super nice and validating)
8) I was open and honest with my family and friends about what I had been going thru for so many years. People will disappoint you and that's okay. If someone who I had been honest with asked me to give it another try my response would be "why would you want that for me?"
I started to see dealing with narc like training a toddler with temper tantrums. When they throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming, ignore and walk away. Hate to say it but as the "training" continues the behaviors will ramp up for a good period of time, they never go away completely. Your narc is spiraling and when you stop engaging he will do anything to suck you back into the drama. After a period of time (mine has been a long one) he will know you will not engage so guess what he will move onto getting his "fix" from others. In my case sometimes its been my kids, sometimes others but here's the thing the new people SEE it, and now there are more witnesses to his behavior. There is a very long list of witnesses, people who were strangers when it started which will now be testifying. When you finally get past the gravitational suck of the narc. you will have peace like you've never known I promise you. Hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Hello, Ituvia. Best wishes to you in protecting yourself and getting to a safer place.
I am joining in late, have not followed the entire thread and, so, please forgive me if this has already been discussed -- with regard to minimizing contact and moving forward.
I've very carefully and over time been doing research on coping strategies, keeping boundaries in place, while also speaking privately to an excellent therapist and -- very importantly -- am making goals and plans for my future. Where I said "very carefully" -- that is -- I am being very careful because I do not want to share my personal business with my spouse as that will certainly trigger rage from my spouse; it will not be good for me. I have yet to go no contact.
Otherwise...there is a wealth of information from clinical psychologists and other professionals, who do provide enlightening and positive information to focus on good self health, establishing and maintaining boundaries and also preparing to safely move on from toxic relationships.
Maybe start with an online search: protect yourself from narcissists.
I am grateful for the online vids and the helpfulness of what is shared by, for example, Ramani Durvasala, Les Carter, Ross Rosenberg, Lisa Romano, etc.
Hoping you are safe and sound. Best wishes.
I am joining in late, have not followed the entire thread and, so, please forgive me if this has already been discussed -- with regard to minimizing contact and moving forward.
I've very carefully and over time been doing research on coping strategies, keeping boundaries in place, while also speaking privately to an excellent therapist and -- very importantly -- am making goals and plans for my future. Where I said "very carefully" -- that is -- I am being very careful because I do not want to share my personal business with my spouse as that will certainly trigger rage from my spouse; it will not be good for me. I have yet to go no contact.
Otherwise...there is a wealth of information from clinical psychologists and other professionals, who do provide enlightening and positive information to focus on good self health, establishing and maintaining boundaries and also preparing to safely move on from toxic relationships.
Maybe start with an online search: protect yourself from narcissists.
I am grateful for the online vids and the helpfulness of what is shared by, for example, Ramani Durvasala, Les Carter, Ross Rosenberg, Lisa Romano, etc.
Hoping you are safe and sound. Best wishes.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
I found a helpful source of info when doing some reading online this morning. I am taking note and paying attention, whereas in the past I may have been in denial as to realizing that I can only "fix myself" and I am not tasked with the responsibility of trying "to fix the other person" -- the other person, in my situation, being a significant other, whose odd and sometimes abusive behavior is mind boggling. 
The wise advice comes in that article that I found online with the title, "Don’t Get Stuck On The “Whys, Hows, Or Whats,” by Jenny Tamasi, "Survivor and Author."
I am grateful to those who are educated, experienced, and willing to share sound advice. 👍 So very helpful and gives hope!
The wise advice comes in that article that I found online with the title, "Don’t Get Stuck On The “Whys, Hows, Or Whats,” by Jenny Tamasi, "Survivor and Author."
I am grateful to those who are educated, experienced, and willing to share sound advice. 👍 So very helpful and gives hope!
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