appreciate perspective on boyfriend....
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Originally Posted by Maddoc78 
Yes...absolutely, I am lonely and want to feel needed and that connection. And since we can't meet anyone new during Covid, I have clung to this...realizing that I am co-dependent, that I need to let him go---just because I realize it doesn't make it easy.
Cinco de mayo around 8:30 he texted me and basically said he screwed up, he is done with drinking, please come get me. I ignored the texts. He called me....I almost didnt' answer.....but yes, I am weak and had some wine in me, so I did. He repeated the text and I said, I heard this---that you are done with this crap--at least 3x since March. What makes this different? He said because I am in the bathroom at X (the place he goes to drink) and I saw my reflection and I am scared. Please help me...
And started to cry. Which has never happened before with me.
Now....I am sure those who have dealt with alcoholics are rolling your eyes. Remember, this is my first time. And yeah, I was lonely....so I went. The "bartender" had to help him out to the car. He sat in there and as we drove, started saying how he wants to die...if he owned a gun he would have killed himself already. On the drive to his place he essentially said again he was done, he was over it, he can't go on like this....but he is scared. He said he doesn't think anyone likes Sober M. Drunk M is a great guy....I said oh, I think people will prefer Sober M. I know two people who definitely will. Your two kids. And he said, don't, don't mention my kids or I will get pissed off. But you are right, I know they would want that....Once in the house he said he knew I couldn't be with him if he keeps drinking and he wants me to be in his life as his woman, so he is going to quit. But he isn't doing it for me, etc...he is doing it because he can't go on....I told him that was great and I would support him but cant' do the work for him. He said yeah I have 4 beers left....I will wean off and then go into withdrawal. It is going to hurt and suck....he asked me to stay. I agreed. Told him, I will not buy him beer, I will no longer come to pick him up at that place (which is he said ok, fine, not going back anyway), and don't call me late at night. He said ok...He didnt' drink anymore that night, we sat up talking about the future with Sober M, the stuff he wants to do to replace the drinking in his life. Next day...he was so upbeat and happy...very affectionate...really was nursing the first beer and then the second one.
And then, "ok, let's go to the store." And smirked. I said NO. He said, you can't stop me or tell me what to do. I said no, I can't....but that was one of my rules. He said, well I am not asking you to buy it, just come with me and I have to get other stuff too. So we went, he bought a bunch of stuff and cooked us dinner (a first). I asked if he had changed his mind about quitting, or was the new beer to help wean him off? He said, wean me off....If I go cold turkey I will have seizures and can die. I asked what happens when he does stop and he told me and said, yeah....it hurts like hell and is going to suck.
After dinner, he started drinking them faster....and today in the morning, grabbed one at 9:30 am, the earliest I have EVER seen him start. I was teleworking from his place....and he asked if I had a lot of meetings. Said, a few. He said, going back home today? I said yes, that has always been the plan. (I hadn't packed much). I said, but the other night, you asked me to stay with you while you wean off and detox.....he said, "I will be fine." I said, I can come back and stay so you aren't alone (he had mentioned last time he got sober a few years ago, his father stayed with him....father lives out of town and is elderly, won't leave his house because of covid, so I offered)? He said, "I will be fine, go home later." So....I did...he continued drinking the rest of my time there....his anxiety was off the charts compared to yesterday. Pacing, chain smoking, drinking one right after another and not eating (he is anorexic as well).
Before I left I told him....I know you said you would be ok. But if you change your mind and want someone here while you detox, just let me know. Be well. He said ok and that's it.
I know what everyone says, I need to cut the cord, walk away. And I know the amount of time I have known this person is nothing in the scheme of it all...for those that have cut the alcoholic out of your life successfully---how long did it take to stop worrying ? To move on?
Cinco de mayo around 8:30 he texted me and basically said he screwed up, he is done with drinking, please come get me. I ignored the texts. He called me....I almost didnt' answer.....but yes, I am weak and had some wine in me, so I did. He repeated the text and I said, I heard this---that you are done with this crap--at least 3x since March. What makes this different? He said because I am in the bathroom at X (the place he goes to drink) and I saw my reflection and I am scared. Please help me...
And started to cry. Which has never happened before with me.
Now....I am sure those who have dealt with alcoholics are rolling your eyes. Remember, this is my first time. And yeah, I was lonely....so I went. The "bartender" had to help him out to the car. He sat in there and as we drove, started saying how he wants to die...if he owned a gun he would have killed himself already. On the drive to his place he essentially said again he was done, he was over it, he can't go on like this....but he is scared. He said he doesn't think anyone likes Sober M. Drunk M is a great guy....I said oh, I think people will prefer Sober M. I know two people who definitely will. Your two kids. And he said, don't, don't mention my kids or I will get pissed off. But you are right, I know they would want that....Once in the house he said he knew I couldn't be with him if he keeps drinking and he wants me to be in his life as his woman, so he is going to quit. But he isn't doing it for me, etc...he is doing it because he can't go on....I told him that was great and I would support him but cant' do the work for him. He said yeah I have 4 beers left....I will wean off and then go into withdrawal. It is going to hurt and suck....he asked me to stay. I agreed. Told him, I will not buy him beer, I will no longer come to pick him up at that place (which is he said ok, fine, not going back anyway), and don't call me late at night. He said ok...He didnt' drink anymore that night, we sat up talking about the future with Sober M, the stuff he wants to do to replace the drinking in his life. Next day...he was so upbeat and happy...very affectionate...really was nursing the first beer and then the second one.
And then, "ok, let's go to the store." And smirked. I said NO. He said, you can't stop me or tell me what to do. I said no, I can't....but that was one of my rules. He said, well I am not asking you to buy it, just come with me and I have to get other stuff too. So we went, he bought a bunch of stuff and cooked us dinner (a first). I asked if he had changed his mind about quitting, or was the new beer to help wean him off? He said, wean me off....If I go cold turkey I will have seizures and can die. I asked what happens when he does stop and he told me and said, yeah....it hurts like hell and is going to suck.
After dinner, he started drinking them faster....and today in the morning, grabbed one at 9:30 am, the earliest I have EVER seen him start. I was teleworking from his place....and he asked if I had a lot of meetings. Said, a few. He said, going back home today? I said yes, that has always been the plan. (I hadn't packed much). I said, but the other night, you asked me to stay with you while you wean off and detox.....he said, "I will be fine." I said, I can come back and stay so you aren't alone (he had mentioned last time he got sober a few years ago, his father stayed with him....father lives out of town and is elderly, won't leave his house because of covid, so I offered)? He said, "I will be fine, go home later." So....I did...he continued drinking the rest of my time there....his anxiety was off the charts compared to yesterday. Pacing, chain smoking, drinking one right after another and not eating (he is anorexic as well).
Before I left I told him....I know you said you would be ok. But if you change your mind and want someone here while you detox, just let me know. Be well. He said ok and that's it.
I know what everyone says, I need to cut the cord, walk away. And I know the amount of time I have known this person is nothing in the scheme of it all...for those that have cut the alcoholic out of your life successfully---how long did it take to stop worrying ? To move on?
Hey Maddoc, this story could probably be told by most of us here with just a few details changed. Alcoholics are predictable but so are codependents. I hope you can see that.
The longer you go with no contact the better it will be although the improvement certainly won't be linear and you may hit a low point 3 weeks into no-contact or 3 months.
I was with my A for 5 years. I put together no-contact time very similar to the way alcoholics put together time of no-drinking. It was beyond difficult. Sometimes I just did 15 minutes at a time to get through without contacting him. I was in a very bad way. It took me about 3 years before I was okay. Most people take shorter times to get to being okay than I did. If you decide to seek recovery, you will have your own timeline.
Alcoholics are advised to go a good solid year of not drinking and working a program before making any major decisions or getting into a new relationship. This can work for codependents too.
Please understand that you are not weak; you are codependent. It is an addiction of sorts and can be addressed like many addictions.
What have you been able to do to address your own situation? Have you looked into Alanon? Done any reading?
Facing this in yourself is beyond painful. Please don't underestimate how difficult walking away from a relationship like this is. Let us know how you get on.
Courage to you you fine person.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Yes...stepped away from the stove last night. At 2 am I woke up to my phone vibrating because he was calling. I did not answer.
this morning I see he called twice and attempted FaceTime twice between 1-2 am....he didn’t even make it 24 hrs ! I expect if I had answered it would have been either 1) come get me I am ready to quit or 2) I messed up again, you can’t be with me.
i hope when he does get help, he reaches out. Would love to get to know Sober M
this morning I see he called twice and attempted FaceTime twice between 1-2 am....he didn’t even make it 24 hrs ! I expect if I had answered it would have been either 1) come get me I am ready to quit or 2) I messed up again, you can’t be with me.
i hope when he does get help, he reaches out. Would love to get to know Sober M
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hey Maddoc, this story could probably be told by most of us here with just a few details changed. Alcoholics are predictable but so are codependents. I hope you can see that.
The longer you go with no contact the better it will be although the improvement certainly won't be linear and you may hit a low point 3 weeks into no-contact or 3 months.
I was with my A for 5 years. I put together no-contact time very similar to the way alcoholics put together time of no-drinking. It was beyond difficult. Sometimes I just did 15 minutes at a time to get through without contacting him. I was in a very bad way. It took me about 3 years before I was okay. Most people take shorter times to get to being okay than I did. If you decide to seek recovery, you will have your own timeline.
Alcoholics are advised to go a good solid year of not drinking and working a program before making any major decisions or getting into a new relationship. This can work for codependents too.
Please understand that you are not weak; you are codependent. It is an addiction of sorts and can be addressed like many addictions.
What have you been able to do to address your own situation? Have you looked into Alanon? Done any reading?
Facing this in yourself is beyond painful. Please don't underestimate how difficult walking away from a relationship like this is. Let us know how you get on.
Courage to you you fine person.
The longer you go with no contact the better it will be although the improvement certainly won't be linear and you may hit a low point 3 weeks into no-contact or 3 months.
I was with my A for 5 years. I put together no-contact time very similar to the way alcoholics put together time of no-drinking. It was beyond difficult. Sometimes I just did 15 minutes at a time to get through without contacting him. I was in a very bad way. It took me about 3 years before I was okay. Most people take shorter times to get to being okay than I did. If you decide to seek recovery, you will have your own timeline.
Alcoholics are advised to go a good solid year of not drinking and working a program before making any major decisions or getting into a new relationship. This can work for codependents too.
Please understand that you are not weak; you are codependent. It is an addiction of sorts and can be addressed like many addictions.
What have you been able to do to address your own situation? Have you looked into Alanon? Done any reading?
Facing this in yourself is beyond painful. Please don't underestimate how difficult walking away from a relationship like this is. Let us know how you get on.
Courage to you you fine person.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Irk . . . I forgot that there are no in person meetings. And yeah those meetings will have folks with alcoholic spouses or children. Folks generally say "take what you need and leave the rest." In the interest of full disclosure, I never went the Alanon route myself and it certainly isn't for everyone.
Kudos for finding a therapist. I hope she is a good one.
Take care of yourself Maddoc.
Kudos for finding a therapist. I hope she is a good one.
Take care of yourself Maddoc.
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Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 18
I am sorry you're feeling all this pain, confusion, stress. I am going through the same thing. The same time frame, the same behaviors, the same questions. The only difference is that my new guy took up with a fellow addict and that is what got me away from him. You are marveling at the way a severely damaged person could reject you, and so am I. Self esteem goes straight into the gutter when we look at it that way. I read somewhere though, that being rejected by an addict/alcoholic is merely a sign that you have boundaries and standards they can't meet. Its easier for them to move on. This makes me feel a little better.
I was married for 13 years and immediately started looking for a replacement after my alcoholic ex left. 12 years later, I keep attracting and dating the same type of guy. I have more hope for you! This was one of your first experiences post divorce. If you get a handle on things now, I think you will have a good chance of finding that elusive "true partner" everyone talks about.
I am going to try a CODA meeting this week (Codependents Anonymous) to see if it can reach me since none of the therapy I have had over the last decade has been able to crack the surface. This forum is a great resource too! Glad you found it and good luck!
I was married for 13 years and immediately started looking for a replacement after my alcoholic ex left. 12 years later, I keep attracting and dating the same type of guy. I have more hope for you! This was one of your first experiences post divorce. If you get a handle on things now, I think you will have a good chance of finding that elusive "true partner" everyone talks about.
I am going to try a CODA meeting this week (Codependents Anonymous) to see if it can reach me since none of the therapy I have had over the last decade has been able to crack the surface. This forum is a great resource too! Glad you found it and good luck!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Originally Posted by Alxn8r
I am sorry you're feeling all this pain, confusion, stress. I am going through the same thing. The same time frame, the same behaviors, the same questions. The only difference is that my new guy took up with a fellow addict and that is what got me away from him. You are marveling at the way a severely damaged person could reject you, and so am I. Self esteem goes straight into the gutter when we look at it that way. I read somewhere though, that being rejected by an addict/alcoholic is merely a sign that you have boundaries and standards they can't meet. Its easier for them to move on. This makes me feel a little better.
I was married for 13 years and immediately started looking for a replacement after my alcoholic ex left. 12 years later, I keep attracting and dating the same type of guy. I have more hope for you! This was one of your first experiences post divorce. If you get a handle on things now, I think you will have a good chance of finding that elusive "true partner" everyone talks about. I am going to try a CODA meeting this week (Codependents Anonymous) to see if it can reach me since none of the therapy I have had over the last decade has been able to crack the surface. This forum is a great resource too! Glad you found it and good luck!
I was married for 13 years and immediately started looking for a replacement after my alcoholic ex left. 12 years later, I keep attracting and dating the same type of guy. I have more hope for you! This was one of your first experiences post divorce. If you get a handle on things now, I think you will have a good chance of finding that elusive "true partner" everyone talks about.
I am going to try a CODA meeting this week (Codependents Anonymous) to see if it can reach me since none of the therapy I have had over the last decade has been able to crack the surface. This forum is a great resource too! Glad you found it and good luck!We codies are similar in that getting away from the addicts is just part of it. Recovery is a long and complex journey. I hope you can get a handle on your codependency.
Maddoc, we would love to hear how you are doing.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Maddoc78
Thanks....I wish he was a “happy drunk”...in the sense that he liked how he was living. But the last few times he talked about quitting he just seems so desperate and sad and depressed...the suicidal threats, the constant “how the hell did I let this happen to me?” Etc...And know that, that this is a person who is hurting—-yeah that keeps me going back to touch the stove. I need to prioritize my own peace and well being—-but I don’t know how to feel at peace if I ignore pleas for help from someone who really is in pain.
Perhaps you won't feel at peace, at least not for some time. That's why it's so important to keep yourself busy. It's a temporary band-aid for you, I know, but it's going to be hard, regardless. Focusing on yourself, what you need, what you want is really important. Boundaries as well.
You mention the pain he is in. How are you doing? You are probably distressed, sad, in pain yourself, hurt? This is the effect on you, which should be important to you as well. You can't actually help him but you can help yourself.
He's not quitting right now. Saying you are going to detox and then drinking is just - drinking without the detox part. He, of course, wanted you to leave so he could drink some more probably.
You can't help him. I'm sure you have had many talks, heck you just had one, to no avail. Only he can make the decision.
It's kind of a rock and a hard place for both of you I think. He would probably like to quit drinking and have some kind of normal life with you and you would like him to quit drinking and have some kind of normal relationship with him. He can't let go of the alcohol right now - rock and hard place. He is probably conflicted a lot. He can't help you, you can't help him. It's tough.
By the way, I have never seen a truly "happy" alcoholic, there is a lot of pain under there (generally).
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Join Date: Apr 2020
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm sorry Maddoc, I really do understand what you are saying.
Perhaps you won't feel at peace, at least not for some time. That's why it's so important to keep yourself busy. It's a temporary band-aid for you, I know, but it's going to be hard, regardless. Focusing on yourself, what you need, what you want is really important. Boundaries as well.
You mention the pain he is in. How are you doing? You are probably distressed, sad, in pain yourself, hurt? This is the effect on you, which should be important to you as well. You can't actually help him but you can help yourself.
He's not quitting right now. Saying you are going to detox and then drinking is just - drinking without the detox part. He, of course, wanted you to leave so he could drink some more probably.
You can't help him. I'm sure you have had many talks, heck you just had one, to no avail. Only he can make the decision.
It's kind of a rock and a hard place for both of you I think. He would probably like to quit drinking and have some kind of normal life with you and you would like him to quit drinking and have some kind of normal relationship with him. He can't let go of the alcohol right now - rock and hard place. He is probably conflicted a lot. He can't help you, you can't help him. It's tough.
By the way, I have never seen a truly "happy" alcoholic, there is a lot of pain under there (generally).
Perhaps you won't feel at peace, at least not for some time. That's why it's so important to keep yourself busy. It's a temporary band-aid for you, I know, but it's going to be hard, regardless. Focusing on yourself, what you need, what you want is really important. Boundaries as well.
You mention the pain he is in. How are you doing? You are probably distressed, sad, in pain yourself, hurt? This is the effect on you, which should be important to you as well. You can't actually help him but you can help yourself.
He's not quitting right now. Saying you are going to detox and then drinking is just - drinking without the detox part. He, of course, wanted you to leave so he could drink some more probably.
You can't help him. I'm sure you have had many talks, heck you just had one, to no avail. Only he can make the decision.
It's kind of a rock and a hard place for both of you I think. He would probably like to quit drinking and have some kind of normal life with you and you would like him to quit drinking and have some kind of normal relationship with him. He can't let go of the alcohol right now - rock and hard place. He is probably conflicted a lot. He can't help you, you can't help him. It's tough.
By the way, I have never seen a truly "happy" alcoholic, there is a lot of pain under there (generally).
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