Lost and hopeless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 2
Lost and hopeless
I’m feeling lost and hopeless right now. My AB and I just broke up yesterday I want to say it was a mutual decision but it was more his decision to end the relationship even though we both still love each other. He realized that he’s not capable of handling a relationship while he’s recovering. For the past 3 months it’s been hell for the both of us. My AB would binge drink for a week then alcohol withdrawals would be so bad he would go to the ER multiple times to treat his dehydration, shakes and even seizures. This happened 6 or more times repeating the same cycle over and over again. I felt so helpless even though I work in the medical field who deals with alcoholic patients but it’s not the same when you’re the significant other of that AH. I even tried to admit him in a detox program in a behavioral center but days after he got discharged he started binge drinking again. I thought I was doing the right thing of helping him and supporting him because I love him. Then I realized there is nothing I could do to help him and it would be up to him to take control of his sobriety. I was willing to stay with him during his recovery but he made up his mind that he doesn’t want me around anymore. It hurts so much after all the pain and sacrifices I’ve been through to keep the relationship and it just ends. I know I’m still in the grieving phase that’s why I‘m glad I joined this forum to get some support and knowing I’m not alone.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Re: Lost and hopeless
Hi CJ, I know it's hard now, especially with the virus causing disruption and anxiety on top of heartbreak. I'm sure you understand that this is for the best although it might not seem like it.
Think about your language to yourself - you're not lost, and life isn't hopeless. I'm sure you see recovery and bravery every day at work. You're heartbroken and grieving but you will feel better eventually. Working at moving on seems like a lot of effort now, but it's well worth it.
Your ABF is struggling with an out of control addiction and he's done the right thing by detaching from you. He may feel it gives him a better chance of recovery, or that he has no intention of stopping and doesn't want to drag you down with him. Either way, it's to his credit.
Your best chance of moving on and living your own life, not one that revolves around him, is to go no contact. No emails, messages, social media. It's a big step but you'll start feeling better much sooner.
Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melodie Beattie? It's the book most cited on this forum as helping in your situation. There's also Al-anon which I believe is running online meetings.
Think about your language to yourself - you're not lost, and life isn't hopeless. I'm sure you see recovery and bravery every day at work. You're heartbroken and grieving but you will feel better eventually. Working at moving on seems like a lot of effort now, but it's well worth it.
Your ABF is struggling with an out of control addiction and he's done the right thing by detaching from you. He may feel it gives him a better chance of recovery, or that he has no intention of stopping and doesn't want to drag you down with him. Either way, it's to his credit.
Your best chance of moving on and living your own life, not one that revolves around him, is to go no contact. No emails, messages, social media. It's a big step but you'll start feeling better much sooner.
Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melodie Beattie? It's the book most cited on this forum as helping in your situation. There's also Al-anon which I believe is running online meetings.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Re: Lost and hopeless
cj…...you didn't know what you didn't know. You didn't know that there is no "keepng' a relationship if addiction is a factor in the relationship. It is impossible for a person to be fully and honestly present when alcohol is in control of them. It is like an icegerg...you only see the tip of the iceberg...while all of the pain and injury demons are hidden from view....hidden, both, from the alcoholic as well as the person that is invested in them......
Try to forgive yourself for what you didn't know....because beating up on your self will not help...and,make you feel even worse....haven't you suffered enough?
Yes, you will have to grieve...it is natural and expected....and, it is not a cake walk.....You are not alone...everyone who invests themselves into an practicing alcoholic (us) know exactly how you feel.....You are not hopeless....not by a long shot....you are sad, and hurting...but you are not "Lost".....
I hope that you will stay with this forum and read and post and learn.....
Check out the "Classic Readings" section...which is contained within the "stickies"....above the threads on the main page. Over 100 excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.
Try to forgive yourself for what you didn't know....because beating up on your self will not help...and,make you feel even worse....haven't you suffered enough?
Yes, you will have to grieve...it is natural and expected....and, it is not a cake walk.....You are not alone...everyone who invests themselves into an practicing alcoholic (us) know exactly how you feel.....You are not hopeless....not by a long shot....you are sad, and hurting...but you are not "Lost".....
I hope that you will stay with this forum and read and post and learn.....
Check out the "Classic Readings" section...which is contained within the "stickies"....above the threads on the main page. Over 100 excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 2
I truly appreciate you guys
Thank you for the support. You have both opened my mind not only think about the pain I’m going through but most of all the struggle my ex boyfriend is going through. At first I felt angry but now I feel empathy towards him that it isn’t easy but as days passes by the pain is much more manageable. I am currently listening to the audiobook of Codependent no more by Melody Beattie and it’s amazing. Thank you all for the advice.
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