PhoebeBuffay

I'm posting this because what started out as a life line for me has turned into a strange and controlling relationship, and I need advice as to whether this is normal and the problem lies with me or if I need to make some changes.

I never suffered with anxiety until my husband's alcoholism got very bad while I was pregnant with my youngest. Since finding al anon last year my anxiety went away without me giving it much thought.

But now for the last 2 Saturdays I have felt ill. I stopped today to pay attention and realised I was experiencing anxiety. Why? My Alanon meetings are on Saturdays. What was previously my safe place has turned into a source of fear, judgement and worry. This association has come from 2 controlling women, one who is my sponsor.

My sponsor started out very open, loving and supportive. But after about 4 weeks her approach suddenly changed. I got the impression from some conversations that she had been speaking to her sponsor about me and my program. Her sponsor is by all accounts very strict and demanding. Suddenly mine became the same.

The friendly chats stopped. The dynamic changed to teacher and pupil instead of equals. She decided I was not ready to progress to step 4. I would have to wait 6 months and then if she felt I had progressed enough I'd be allowed to do my 4th step. When that time came she told me we could move to the 4th step but there were requirements. I had to make at least one meeting a week, but should do 2 or more. I had to meet physically with her once a week. I had to call and check in with her at least twice a week. I was to continue my service role and consider taking on more when it came time to change roles in the group. I also had to read al anon literature every day. These are all good suggestions that I was already doing. But I could not find these requirements in al anon literature so it left me a bit unsettled.

Each time we spoke she checked to make sure I was meeting all my requirements. (She herself was not making weekly meetings and had cancelled several of our 1-1 meetings bc of family conflicts.) But when I missed one group meeting bc I couldn't afford the fuel that week while husband was out of work I was reprimanded and my commitment to my program was questioned. I should have stood up to my husband apparently and insisted he find money somewhere.

A few weeks later I had to cancel our 1-1 last minute because of a family emergency. I felt bad because she was already there, but it was out of my control. I apologized profusely for wasting her time. But she was not forgiving. She told me I was not "getting" the program and she was going to stop working with me. I was too dysfunctional.

I was very confused and this threw me. This was the one safe relationship I had in my life at the moment. I begged her not to give up on me and spent 30 minutes proving to her I was working my program- which I was, every day. I felt I had made amazing progress. My life had been transformed from my 8 months of al anon work. My family was healing and my husband was steadily moving closer to sobriety all on his own. She changed her mind, said we'd continue. But the trust was broken for me. I have continued to confide in her but it no longer feels safe. She makes judgements about my parenting decisions, and got annoyed when a parenting class I attend gave conflicting advice to hers (about an issue unrelated to al anon).

She does still encourage and praise, but I feel like I walk on ice with her. I never know what I'm going to get, much like my relationship with the alcoholic in my life. And I often feel she's judging me based on her admonishments.

This last week I slipped up in my sharing and quoted a non al anon book. It was just a short statement and not controversial but against the rules and I understand why I can't do that. She and another controlling "leader" in our group discussed it and she decided I needed to apologise today to the group and assure them I would not do this again. I said no. I accept I made a mistake, and I won't do it again. But I don't feel I have done anything that warrants an apology. Many in the group had done far worse and we all responded with loving patience. I don't think me telling her no was well received and she tried several times to reword the apology she had scripted for me to make it more acceptable to me but I was having none of it.

I know I have a bad habit of getting fed up with something and finding fault with it to give me an out. So I want to make sure that's not happening here. But I love my al anon program so I don't think that's the case. I feel that this relationship and now my al anon group has ceased to be a place of growth and encouragement and empowerment and now fills me with anxiety.

Sorry for the long post but I welcome any input.

Many thanks.

dandylion

Hi Phoebe. I can relate to the kind of feeling you are having, because I have had a similar thing happen in two or three relationships, in my life. Although, not in an alanon group,,,as I don't follow an alanon group and have never had a sponsor.Mind you, I normally get along quite well with other people.but, I have come to see that this can happen in any kind of setting.....theater group, church group, civic group, etc. I remember this one relationship, in particular......There was a community center,near our house, and my husband and I would stop by most days,after work, after we got off out commuter bus. It had a golf course, and swimming pool, and tennis courts, etc.....and, my husband happened to be on the Board of the organization, so we knew all of the members quite well.This one particular woman would corral me to talk and just converse all of the time. No problem, at first...but, she didn't seem to have any interests in common with me...which wouldn't have been a problem....BUT....she dominated the conversation every day with the same limited topics, about her hair, and her bathroom and her boss at work. I felt like I was in the role of supporting and listening to her...without any chance of talking about myself or my experiences or feelings...or, anything else. then, after a long while...an odd thing began to happen.....I began to feel anxious when we were talking....and, wanted to leave. It felt like I was going to have a panic attack, if I didn't get away from her.I talked to my husband about it....and, he said...."Honey, she leads a very narrow life, and she is not able to talk about anything that you like....maybe, you should be more tolerant of her.....(Clearly, he didn't "get" what I was talking about...so, he was no help)…..I started to feel almost sick, when she would approach me...know that I had to smile nicely as she talked o n and on about her hair styles and what color to paint her bathroom....and, otherwise, keep my mouth shut.
Then, I read in one of my psychology books...that I was studying, at the time...that when someone is imposing something on you against your will...or, withholding something from you, deliberately, that it is and can be felt as an
act of aggression".....(My husband and I were on a vacation, several hundred miles away her....visiting my family,when I read this. It was like a light went off, in my head. I was feeling controlled by this woman! And, I felt "trapped" in that particular social situation....by feeling that I had to talk to her. Thus...the feeling of anxiety and near panic. Thereafter, I started putting boundaries on how much I would let myself be corralled by her....I was still civil and pleasant to her, of course....but, no more long conversations. After a while, she gave up trying to "capture" me....and, I didn't care what she thought...because I was free of that curious sick feeling.....
I don't know if this is any help to you or not....but, sometimes, some personalities are just not compatable with each other....and, when that happens, I think it may be best to just move on....not everybody clicks with each other all of the time......

PeacefulWater12

Sorry you are experiencing this, I encountered similar in one of the 12 step groups I attended. I found it very confusing and upsetting, I left that group and moved to one with a different dynamic.

What I do now with Lockdown being in place is listen to podcasts instead of meetings.

Edit to add, come to think of it, I encountered it in two groups. In one group one of the members "owned" everyone else. It was crazy. I quickly moved on from that one, the second group I encountered was more subtle but nevertheless very unhealthy.

PhoebeBuffay

Thank you Dandylion and PeacefulWater for your responses. It helps to know that it's not just me. I suppose in a programme like this with so many of us recovering from control issues it is bound to happen in one way or another.

I do need to learn how to manage this better. I notice there are other women in the group that they would never dare be this way with. I need to find a balance of being teachable and humble yet strong enough in myself to put down healthy boundaries that enable healthier relationships. It's a learning process.

I gave it over to my higher power last night and again this morning and have a little more peace about it. I think I will have to discuss this with her but need to think about the best way to put it so that it doesn't feel confrontational or unappreciative- she has helped me through some very dark times and I'll be forever grateful for that. But I do need things to change. I hope we can work through it and continue with the sponsorship relationship in a healthier way.

I'll take the pain and discomfort as a sign I'm growing. 😊 And I think I will also stop trying to prove to her or anyone else that I am worthy of the programme or that I'm "getting it". All I can do is focus on my progress.

Thanks again and happy Sunday.💗

nikegoddess112

It's absolutely okay to end the sponsorship and look for a new sponsor!
I'm sorry you're going through this. Unhealthy sponsor relationships can cause more problems rather than nurture natural, loving self-growtb.

AnvilheadII

note - the following is not approved Alanon literature but did come from an Alanon workshop in 1999 sorry for the spacing issues and dense text!!!
SponsorshipWHAT IS SPONSORSHIP?Sponsorship is one of the chief resources we use to help us cope with and recover from the effects of alcoholism. A sponsor is someone with whom we can share about ourselves and our circumstances in detail. A sponsor is an Al-Anon member who has worked through the 12 Steps, and shares their experience in recovery on a continuous, individual basis with another who is attempting to attain serenity and recovery.Sponsorship assures the newcomer that there is at least one person who understands their situation fully, and cares. The sponsored person knows there is one he/she can turn to without embarrassment when doubts, problems or questions arise.When we are confused, a sponsor can help us know when and how to put the principles, slogans, and Steps of the program into action. Sponsorship also provides the bridge, enabling the newcomer to ease out of the isolation that many find themselves in.WHY IS A SPONSOR SO IMPORTANT?Being sponsored is the first step we take in learning about healthy human relationships and reasonable responsibility to another person. We practice what we learn in our sponsorship relationship with others, and gradually we find all our relationships with ourselves and others getting better.HOW TO SELECT A SPONSORWe select a member with whom we can feel comfortable, someone with whom we can talk freely and confidentially. We choose a sponsor who has been an active member of Al-Anon for some time, attends meetings on a regular basis, reads CAL, and is familiar enough with the program to help us learn to apply it to our lives. We look for someone who shares the type of recovery we want. It is important that when choosing a sponsor, it is a person who uses the Al-Anon program successfully in their every day life.It is strongly suggested that men sponsor men and women sponsor women. This promotes quick understanding and reduces the likelihood of emotional attachment and distractions.WHEN TO SELECT A SPONSOR?Do not delay! You won't be "bothering" anyone. Our "best thinking" has made our lives what they are. Al-Anon is NOT a self help program, it is a fellowship. When we ask someone to be our sponsor, they view it as an honor and a privilege. Sponsoring others allows the sponsor to concentrate on the principles of the program and to have an opportunity to practice the Twelfth Step. The act of sharing recovery makes it easier for a sponsor to practice the program in his/her own life and personal recovery.WHAT CAN A NEWCOMER EXPECT OF A SPONSOR?A sponsor is not a social worker, doctor, nurse, or marriage counselor. A sponsor is simply an Al-Anon member who is practicing the program. It is not professional training that enables a sponsor to give help, it is personal experience. Remember, a sponsor was once a newcomer too.A good sponsor does everything possible to work the Twelfth Step, carrying the message and practicing the Al-Anon principles in all aspects of their relationships with the people they sponsor.CAN WE CHANGE SPONSORS?Of course. There are many reasons for changing sponsors - we may be unable to identify with each other; there could be conflicts in schedules that prevent regular contact, or we may just need to find someone who approaches the program from a different view.SO, WHAT DO SPONSORS DO?Sponsors show by personal example how the program can lead to serenity.Sponsors do not give advice. In Al-Anon, the focus is for each of us to find our own answers. Sponsors merely guide us in knowing how to find those answers.Sponsors share what Al-Anon has done to improve their life.Sponsors encourage the newcomer to attend a variety of meetings - and to keep an open mind.Sponsors pass on the power of CAL (Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature).Sponsors assist the newcomer in learning the Twelve Steps and how to apply them in their lives.Sponsors listen not for details of the crisis, but for signs of self-pity, fear, resentment and negative thinking.Sponsors share the importance of the Twelve Traditions, and explains their necessity for our group health.Sponsors do not pretend to have all the answers. A good sponsor will quickly admit when they do not know, and will suggest reading CAL together.Sponsors never take another's inventory but give honest answers if asked.Sponsors never give advice or make decisions for the member, particularly about family issues.Sponsors have a commitment to recovery and lets the newcomer know that the quality of recovery is in direct proportion to the effort put into it. "Half measures avail us nothing".Sponsors underline the importance of principles above personalities.Sponsors avoid dwelling on personal problems, but share the Experience, Strength and Hope of personal recovery.Sponsors present the program simply.Sponsors lead by example, and a good sponsor does not expect the newcomer to do anything they themselves are not doing or have not done.Sponsors avoid talking about their own problems to those they sponsor. Sponsors use their own sponsors. Good sponsors have sponsors!!Sponsors are good listeners.Sponsors give Al-Anon solutions.Sponsors emphasize gratitude and guides the newcomer in focusing on the good in their life.Sponsors teach newcomers that alcoholism is a family disease, and we are the only ones we can help. Sponsors help the newcomer to learn to let go of the other person and put the focus on themselves.Sponsors encourage regular contact.Sponsors teach that meetings are important. We need to hear many people. We can't get the program from listening to only one person.Sponsors teach the newcomer that we must deal with problems that prevent us from coming to meetings. (baby-sitters, schedules, transportation, etc.)Sponsors remember the silver rule and don't do for another what they need to do for themselves. The sponsor carries the message, not the person.Sponsors give directions and share experience - they do not give advice.Sponsors are a channel for information, not a spokesperson for the program.Sponsors encourage the newcomer to develop a daily program of reading, prayer and meditation.Sponsors teach newcomers that a problem can be split into one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. They teach how not to run away from or around a problem, but to work through it.Sponsors stress the importance of the Serenity Prayer.Sponsors pass on the information that the Twelve Steps are a way of life that can be applied to ALL problems.Sponsors teach the newcomer how to be a "member" rather than an "attendee".This is the handout from a workshop on "Sponsorship" held at KEY in 1999. It is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature and is not meant to be a substitute for CAL.

NYCDoglvr

There's a saying: AA/Alanon are not hotbeds of mental health. Get a new sponsor.

alwayscovering

I think it's time for a new sponsor.