Hadlbran

I am not sure what I am SUPPOSE to do with an alcoholic friend.

Her and I have been friends for about 7 years, and during that time, her and I use to go out drinking - you know - like most 25 years olds do. We'd go to bars, night clubs, whatever - and just have some really good times.

However, she has gotten INCREASINGLY worse with her drinking. We use to live together and I moved out to live with my boyfriend about 9 months ago. She still continues to drink - but now it is EVERY single day. She USUALLY doesn't just drink one or two, she drinks and gets wasted. She continuously misses work (1 day last week - and it was a short week! 3 days the week before and the week prior to that...3 days again!) She recently got a job at a bar to supplement her income (I guess from missing so much work from being hung over, she has to do something!) However, now at her new job, she is drinking on the job with everyone else that works there!

A few months ago she was over at my house, and became REALLY drunk. She wanted to drive home, but my boyfriend and I would not let her. She became totally out of control, causing a HUGE scene in front of my house, and then took off on foot (we had her car keys) at about 1:00 in the morning! I became scared because she obviously does not know this town, and my boyfriend and I took off and found her just walking around the town - drunk! So we took her home. The next day she didn't remember any of that - only that WE were the bad people that would not let her drive home! After I explained to her what happened (which she still says she doesn't even remember) she apologized to both my boyfriend and I and promised to get help and/or slow down. Well that last 2 whole days!

Recently (the day before Thanksgiving) she went out again. She had been drinking all afternoon at work and then went out with friends that evening. She had 3 drinks (so she says...however the story went from one really strong drink, to two drinks, to three drinks and "didn't take any shots like everyone else" so I honestly don't know how much she had - but if it was like normal - she was WASTED again!) and attempted to drive home. This time, she gets in a car accident. She "says" the car was "stopped at a green light" and that she was text messaging her brother and hit them!

She then starts blaming the people in the car in front of her and says it was all their fault. She says they smelled the alcohol on her but didn't press charges - and even a police car rolled up on the scene and asked if they needed help but they all said no. SO...once again she got out of it!

I told her this was her wake-up call and she needed to stop drinking. I told her next time she could kill someone - or herself. I said at the minimum, next time you may get a dui - and instead of complaining about your $500 car insurance deductible - you'd be complaining about a $5,000 DUI. I asked her what would have happened if there were small children in that car? She said "no mother would have their kids out at 2am!" She then proceeded to tell me that the ONLY reason she got in the car accident was because she was text messaging her brother. I told her no, it was because you were drunk! Her excuse..."I have driven WAY worse!"

That conversation ended because it was Thanksgiving Day and I had to get ready to host dinner for about 25 people. She called me back later on to tell me how everyone she talked to (except for me of course) told her "hope you learned the lesson not to text message and drive". I said "are you serious? THAT is the lesson they told you to learn?" (Even her mother supposedly told her that!) I said no, the lesson is you shouldn't be drinking and driving! The conversation ended again after that and I haven't really spoken to her since that time.

I am just....I guess a bundle of emotions...angry, sad, disappointed, you name it! I have a lot of emotions that I can't even identify.

So now, what I am really suppose to do? I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night and the topic was "let go and let God". But how do you REALLY do that? What do I say to her to get through that I DO NOT agree with how she is ruining herself? It seems so hard to just let go and tell her I dont want to be her friend anymore, because the truth is, I still want to be her friend. It's hard also because I drink socially - if we have a bunch of people over, I will probably have a glass of wine. If we all go out to a night club, I am going to have a couple of drinks. I ALWAYS make sure we have a designated driver. I like to have a good time, and if I go out (MAYBE once a month - if even that - more like once every 2-3 months) I am going to have a drink. There is a HUGE difference between how she drinks and how I drink, but I know if I talk to her, she'll think I am the biggest hypocrite ever.

So that is where I am at today. I want to call her just to see how she is doing, but I am scared I will hear she is not at work and at home hung over, and how it isn't her fault because everyone else she hung out with was drinking.

What am I suppose to do in a situation like this? Sorry this post was so long!

Lorelai

Welcome to SR !

I have been married to an alcoholic for 20 years. One thing that I can say with absolute certainty is that there is nothing you can say to her to get through to her. I am sure that, in the course of 20 years, I have said everything that is possible to say to no real effect.

I'm so glad you're going to Alanon. The world of an alcoholic is a crazy place. They blame everyone and everything for their problems because they can't face the fact that the drinking is to blame. If they faced that fact, they'd have to stop and they don't want to.

She will get help and stop drinking when and if she's ready. There is really nothing you can do about that.

I would suggest that you set some personal boundaries so that her problems don't affect you so much. You can still love and care about her but you can't fix this for her. That is entirely up to her.

Stick around and read and post. This is wonderful place with wonderful people who know what you're going through.
I'm glad you're here.
L

Hadlbran

I guess that is my biggest issue - what type of boundaries do I have to set? Do I have to never hang out with her in a social situation? (To be honest, it has gotten to the point of where I don't want to out of fear she'll make a fool out of herself.) Do I just only keep a friendship from a distance? It's hard to even listen to her on the phone as she always tells me how screwed up her life is and how things just don't go well - but goodness gracious - she can do something about it! It just literally frustrates me to no end! She has big dreams in life but they never even begin to remotely happen because a party and alcohol (as well as weed) is usually the first priority. She feels she needs both the weed and the alcohol to cope with stress, money problems, men (so that she won't be so nervous and will appear "fun"), and well...basically life. It is rather sad and rather annoying at the same time.

I guess that is where I am at - trying to figure out the boundaries I need to set.

Any pointers on how to do that?

It's amazing. I am not new to al-anon in the sense that my step-dad has been an alcoholic since he has been in my life. He has been "sober" for 15 years - but has fallen off the wagon quite a few times in that 15 years. I went through alateen and a few alanon groups growing up - but it is almost like I have forgotten everything I ever learned. I remember watching my mom and wondering how she could be so strong and do all the things she had to do for her own recovery and I always wish I could be that way too! Maybe one day it'll click for me too?

Cap3

Hey Hadlbran,trust that,you will know,in time what and how to decide your boundaries,as your growing in program.You will become clearer,day by day.Also may i suggest,that you learn,more about alcoholism.this will give you a form of insights to the why,and how,an alcoholic can be so blind to what they are doing.It will help take out the shocks,that one feels when the alcoholic says such insane things as,it wasnt because i was drinking,it was because i was text messaging....Trying to make sence,trying to figure out,another who is sick,can make another sick too.The more info,your armed with,the more,you can let go,let God.And live in your recovery.To have peace in your life.This person is on their own journey in life.The change can only come inside of them,when they are ready.I have no control.And i see and understand this everytime that i think and say,things to others to make them change.It just doesnt work.Your trying to help.,and have talked to her,made her aware of her actions..Now comes a time to let go.Making her aware over and over,just makes one sick,and totally frustated.You said it once,She heard.Its over..its now up to them,if they want change.
welcome to the fellowship,of al-anon.You are no longer all alone.Keep on keeping on.