Been a while. Just an update.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Been a while. Just an update.
My life feels so complicated but I'm moving forward in a two steps forward, one step back sort of way so I'll take it.
Darn this coronavirus. I'd moved away but when schools all cancelled I knew that the best place for me to be quarantined with my kids right now was their other home (there's sooo much more space and things to do here at the house and in the neighborhood even while social distancing).
My AH isn't drinking. That would be a deal breaker as I have a hard boundary now. He's been talking some to a therapist as well as a doctor and is taking some med, Naltexone? Or something. He says he thinks it's helping.
He's also recently lost his job in this economic downturn. He's managed not to turn to drinking (honestly probably because of my presence).
We have the most unhealthy dysfunctional relationship. How can we have times during the day where I feel like everythings going to work out just to be reminded that we are in a very unhealthy emotionally void relationship.
I keep wondering, is this normal? To have the thoughts that we have zero intimacy. Zero emotional connection. We feel more like roommates who get a long and co-parent our kids pretty well. But I keep feeling deep inside myself that there has to be more to life than what we have. He has SO MUCH WORK to do on himself, since he's not drinking he medicates himself with food. And it disgusts me. We are just so different. I keep telling myself we are on opposite ends of the spectrum. He's constantly reminding me that we are not and that he's just in a bad place right now and just needs more time.
I'm not getting any younger and I'm tired of arguing with him. I tell him plain and clear, we are dysfunctional, this is a toxic relationship, he doesn't love me, love is a verb and I haven't FELT loved in years. I haven't felt emotionally connected to him in years. He keeps telling me that's not true and I'm wrong and that I haven't really felt this way. That we've had so many good times and it's unreasonable to think we'd have 3 children together and built this life/house together if I was miserable the entire time.
It's very frustrating. But I've told him I want to keep taking steps towards getting the divorce stuff ironed out. And oddly enough I keep working towards that while also managing to feel normal around the house with him.... it's so dysfunctional.
I just hope that at the end of all of this when we are divorced and I have worked on my co-dependency issues that I don't end up thinking I should have just worked it out with him because all relationships have their issues and maybe this partnership and happiness in a normal relationship with someone doesn't really exist long term. Heaven forbid I feel loved and cared for and appreciated with someone who is emotionally available (what even is that? I have no idea at this point). It's so frustrating. I just want to be happy. And I know that starts with myself. I WAS finally feeling happy back in my rental with my routine with my kids and life on my own. Hopefully I can get back there once this coronavirus quarantine is over.
Darn this coronavirus. I'd moved away but when schools all cancelled I knew that the best place for me to be quarantined with my kids right now was their other home (there's sooo much more space and things to do here at the house and in the neighborhood even while social distancing).
My AH isn't drinking. That would be a deal breaker as I have a hard boundary now. He's been talking some to a therapist as well as a doctor and is taking some med, Naltexone? Or something. He says he thinks it's helping.
He's also recently lost his job in this economic downturn. He's managed not to turn to drinking (honestly probably because of my presence).
We have the most unhealthy dysfunctional relationship. How can we have times during the day where I feel like everythings going to work out just to be reminded that we are in a very unhealthy emotionally void relationship.
I keep wondering, is this normal? To have the thoughts that we have zero intimacy. Zero emotional connection. We feel more like roommates who get a long and co-parent our kids pretty well. But I keep feeling deep inside myself that there has to be more to life than what we have. He has SO MUCH WORK to do on himself, since he's not drinking he medicates himself with food. And it disgusts me. We are just so different. I keep telling myself we are on opposite ends of the spectrum. He's constantly reminding me that we are not and that he's just in a bad place right now and just needs more time.
I'm not getting any younger and I'm tired of arguing with him. I tell him plain and clear, we are dysfunctional, this is a toxic relationship, he doesn't love me, love is a verb and I haven't FELT loved in years. I haven't felt emotionally connected to him in years. He keeps telling me that's not true and I'm wrong and that I haven't really felt this way. That we've had so many good times and it's unreasonable to think we'd have 3 children together and built this life/house together if I was miserable the entire time.
It's very frustrating. But I've told him I want to keep taking steps towards getting the divorce stuff ironed out. And oddly enough I keep working towards that while also managing to feel normal around the house with him.... it's so dysfunctional.
I just hope that at the end of all of this when we are divorced and I have worked on my co-dependency issues that I don't end up thinking I should have just worked it out with him because all relationships have their issues and maybe this partnership and happiness in a normal relationship with someone doesn't really exist long term. Heaven forbid I feel loved and cared for and appreciated with someone who is emotionally available (what even is that? I have no idea at this point). It's so frustrating. I just want to be happy. And I know that starts with myself. I WAS finally feeling happy back in my rental with my routine with my kids and life on my own. Hopefully I can get back there once this coronavirus quarantine is over.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Thanks for the update FWN, I've been wondering if/when we would hear from you again.
You sound strong and clear. I'm sorry C19 threw a monkey wrench into your plans.
My AXH used to tell me my feelings were wrong or that I shouldn't feel that way etc. He would completely dismiss whatever it was I was trying to convey. It was so frustrating and demeaning. He would also point out all the good and decent things he had done and provided over the years, as if that was some kind of license to get away with the less than stellar behaviors.
You are right, those kind of dismissals from a mate are highly toxic and dysfunctional. I am glad to hear you are still inching forward as best you can under the present circumstances. Keep your eyes on the prize.
*hugs*
You sound strong and clear. I'm sorry C19 threw a monkey wrench into your plans.
My AXH used to tell me my feelings were wrong or that I shouldn't feel that way etc. He would completely dismiss whatever it was I was trying to convey. It was so frustrating and demeaning. He would also point out all the good and decent things he had done and provided over the years, as if that was some kind of license to get away with the less than stellar behaviors.
You are right, those kind of dismissals from a mate are highly toxic and dysfunctional. I am glad to hear you are still inching forward as best you can under the present circumstances. Keep your eyes on the prize.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Hi FWN! Good to hear from you, I have also wondered how you are getting on.
I have a child with my first husband, I was also married to him for quite a while. The thing that was really the light bulb moment for me, I think, is meeting other people and finding out how nice they were to me lol
I know that sounds silly, but maybe not to the people here but I think I had become so used to being trod on and having to fight my way through everything that I had just, forgotten what it's like when people understand you and are nice to you!
This can be a tough one, regret sucks. The thing is, realistically, you can/could stay in this relationship forever probably. Pulling it uphill, carrying on, probably having some good moments and some great ones even. But always pulling it uphill, that's the thing.
Him discounting your feelings is a huge red flag (yes, overused term but so appropriate here). If you say something it's so easy for me to say, you are wrong for feeling that way. Isn't that tidy? I just discounted everything you said or were thinking with a wave of a wand, because I don't agree with you.
That is so defeating. How on earth do you move forward with someone who has that attitude. Yes, he does have a lot of work to do and the fact that you see no progress at this point is also another huge red flag.
You won't have regret once you really look at the whole picture and say, I have done what I can here. You don't have to move a mountain to save this relationship, it honestly is not supposed to be that hard.
I have a child with my first husband, I was also married to him for quite a while. The thing that was really the light bulb moment for me, I think, is meeting other people and finding out how nice they were to me lol
I know that sounds silly, but maybe not to the people here but I think I had become so used to being trod on and having to fight my way through everything that I had just, forgotten what it's like when people understand you and are nice to you!
I just hope that at the end of all of this when we are divorced and I have worked on my co-dependency issues that I don't end up thinking I should have just worked it out with him because all relationships have their issues and maybe this partnership and happiness in a normal relationship with someone doesn't really exist long term.
Him discounting your feelings is a huge red flag (yes, overused term but so appropriate here). If you say something it's so easy for me to say, you are wrong for feeling that way. Isn't that tidy? I just discounted everything you said or were thinking with a wave of a wand, because I don't agree with you.
That is so defeating. How on earth do you move forward with someone who has that attitude. Yes, he does have a lot of work to do and the fact that you see no progress at this point is also another huge red flag.
You won't have regret once you really look at the whole picture and say, I have done what I can here. You don't have to move a mountain to save this relationship, it honestly is not supposed to be that hard.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
It can be hard to tell when we are "beating a dead horse" so to speak.
We change, we mature and have differing abilities to participate with
honesty and be genuine in a relationship. It's absolutely a truth
that some people can't do it at all, and some a tiny bit. Some want
it badly, others are content to move through life on a very
superficial plane.
Seems to me that part of accepting reality is acknowledging that
we aren't a good fit with our spouse anymore. Accept they can't give
you what you need, either because they are incapable or unwilling.
Doesn't matter, it's who they are. And they likely have good qualities,
and by most definitions are productive people, at the time.
But the lack of trust, respect, and compatibility indicates
the collateral damage of the alcoholism and we are left to accept
the reality that some things can't be fixed.
We change, we mature and have differing abilities to participate with
honesty and be genuine in a relationship. It's absolutely a truth
that some people can't do it at all, and some a tiny bit. Some want
it badly, others are content to move through life on a very
superficial plane.
Seems to me that part of accepting reality is acknowledging that
we aren't a good fit with our spouse anymore. Accept they can't give
you what you need, either because they are incapable or unwilling.
Doesn't matter, it's who they are. And they likely have good qualities,
and by most definitions are productive people, at the time.
But the lack of trust, respect, and compatibility indicates
the collateral damage of the alcoholism and we are left to accept
the reality that some things can't be fixed.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FWN......this brings back memories of when I told my first husband...the father of my three children, that I was meeting with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. he said to me...."That is ridiculous. This is a perfectly happy marriage. I am happy, The problem is that YOU are never satisfied with anything."
I did get the divorce...and, I still know that it was the right decision. Over the many years, since...I hear through the "grapevine" that he has not changed one single bit!
I knew, deep inside, that I could never be happy or thrive in that marriage...I wanted sooo bad to feel connected and loved and valued---to feel that I mattered to the person that I had commited myself to----but, reality was showing me that it wasn't happening and that it would never happen. I felt like a bird kept in a lonely and isolated gilded cage. I felt a deep instinct to fly free and take my chicklings with me....
Becoming free of his mantle of rigid, insensitive and authoritarian attitudes felt like walking through the Prison doors into the free and welcoming outside world......
I did get the divorce...and, I still know that it was the right decision. Over the many years, since...I hear through the "grapevine" that he has not changed one single bit!
I knew, deep inside, that I could never be happy or thrive in that marriage...I wanted sooo bad to feel connected and loved and valued---to feel that I mattered to the person that I had commited myself to----but, reality was showing me that it wasn't happening and that it would never happen. I felt like a bird kept in a lonely and isolated gilded cage. I felt a deep instinct to fly free and take my chicklings with me....
Becoming free of his mantle of rigid, insensitive and authoritarian attitudes felt like walking through the Prison doors into the free and welcoming outside world......
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