Trying to gaslight the kids
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Trying to gaslight the kids
So I haven’t backed down from my position that his behavior has been inexcusable. Neither have the kids and they are furious at him. He has been threatening us with financial ruin if we divorce and he is trying to turn it on me by saying that I’m threatening the marriage vows and thereby forcing them into poverty. Even though he is the one doing the threatening. Even though his **** behavior pushed me to this place. So..I know there’s no way to get through to him for
him to have any insight into his pathology. But the kids get worried about his threats being real. What would you suggest? I don’t want to make him aware of things he doesn’t realize, like he would in fact have to give me half his pension even if we divorced because it was money earned during the marriage. So I don’t want to share these things with the kids because they’ll throw it back at him in spite.
him to have any insight into his pathology. But the kids get worried about his threats being real. What would you suggest? I don’t want to make him aware of things he doesn’t realize, like he would in fact have to give me half his pension even if we divorced because it was money earned during the marriage. So I don’t want to share these things with the kids because they’ll throw it back at him in spite.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Probably just tell them he misunderstands what happens during a divorce and not to worry, you will deal with it. The best way to respond is not to argue back.
There's a dynamic going on where he feels ganged up against, that's fuelling his behaviour, and the kids and you are reacting. Is there any chance for them to reach out to him in some way, even if it's just a board game, and let him back down a bit?
We're going to be stuck at home for a long time, so some sort of truce would be desirable. I understand if his nastiness while drinking might make this difficult.
There's a dynamic going on where he feels ganged up against, that's fuelling his behaviour, and the kids and you are reacting. Is there any chance for them to reach out to him in some way, even if it's just a board game, and let him back down a bit?
We're going to be stuck at home for a long time, so some sort of truce would be desirable. I understand if his nastiness while drinking might make this difficult.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
I'd keep as much of the finer details away from the kids as possible, and just reassure them you are working on a solution.
It's very hard to walk that line between honesty, and allowing them to form their own opinion of their father. His gaslighting of them is totally unacceptable and heartbreaking for you and them. Undermining their sense of security is horrible, particularly with what is going on in the outside world. It sounds really tough.
It's very hard to walk that line between honesty, and allowing them to form their own opinion of their father. His gaslighting of them is totally unacceptable and heartbreaking for you and them. Undermining their sense of security is horrible, particularly with what is going on in the outside world. It sounds really tough.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I echo what hopeful4 just said. I went through divorce from my first husband....the father of my three children. I found it to be very true---that kids will take their cues from you.
And, I concur with Wombaticus that it would be best to spare them from the details that are only for the adults to grapple with.
I think that FeelingGreat has a good concept....of telling them that he is "spouting off"...and, that you will be "taking care of things"...and, that you all will be o.k., in the end.
I agree to not argue with him, as much as possible. He is trying to scare you. don't let him see you sweat! Just know that you have a plan and that you will initiate the plan as things unfold......
And, I concur with Wombaticus that it would be best to spare them from the details that are only for the adults to grapple with.
I think that FeelingGreat has a good concept....of telling them that he is "spouting off"...and, that you will be "taking care of things"...and, that you all will be o.k., in the end.
I agree to not argue with him, as much as possible. He is trying to scare you. don't let him see you sweat! Just know that you have a plan and that you will initiate the plan as things unfold......
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