He might defend the divorce?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
He might defend the divorce?!
So I thought things were going too well!!! Weird... I had this WEIRD feeling he was up to something he went quiet - but we are in a lockdown situation right now and tbh I’m so relieved he can’t come over!!! However he rang today and offered to drop off groceries at the end of the driveway as he was shopping - and he could wave to the kids and chat from a safe distance. Great actually I accepted - we were really low on supplies and had little food left. I would not accept his help under any other circumstances however I think we’d all agree the current situation is very strange. He was nice as pie... he’d included loads of treats in the shopping my favourite local cheese and a bottle of wine ... 🤔 we chatted - over the fence but yes I’ve not spoken to another adult in two weeks maybe I was too keen im
only human but I shared stories about how home schooling was going etc we had a laugh about things. He seems fairly upbeat. Sober (it was early, don’t get me wrong he is still active) The postman walks by and hands over my mail as we say goodbye.
I get in the house and open my mail. It’s a letter from my solicitor- he’s rang her and kicked off about the five reasons I gave in my divorce papers. He disagrees and might defend the petition. He has 7 days to file a response.
wow.
I was hoovered!!!
why would he be so suddenly super nice?
I guess I am uneasy ... wondering what his tactic is if he even has one. From what I read - defending it would cost him £££ he hasn’t got. My gut feeling is he will get advice and on hearing the costs involved he will do nothing. But the next step is to tell him I’m gonna be claiming half the house he’s in ... 😬😬😬 if he's this pi$$ed about the divorce then it’s going to get worse. I’m tempted to drop that part - let him keep the damn house it’s not worth lots but maybe £20k each perhaps at a guess? If we got a 50/50 split? That would make a huge difference to my life. Pay off debts. I just think maybe my peace of mind is worth more though - and being civil with him like we were today would sure as hell be a lot better to live with than have him as an enemy. The kids are happy and relaxed too right now as we haven’t been fighting.
i just want to move onto the next chapter of my life without further hassle and stress. My anxiety is high. If he’s going to context everything at every step of the way it’s going to be so ugly and I don’t think I can do it.
only human but I shared stories about how home schooling was going etc we had a laugh about things. He seems fairly upbeat. Sober (it was early, don’t get me wrong he is still active) The postman walks by and hands over my mail as we say goodbye.
I get in the house and open my mail. It’s a letter from my solicitor- he’s rang her and kicked off about the five reasons I gave in my divorce papers. He disagrees and might defend the petition. He has 7 days to file a response.
wow.
I was hoovered!!!
why would he be so suddenly super nice?
I guess I am uneasy ... wondering what his tactic is if he even has one. From what I read - defending it would cost him £££ he hasn’t got. My gut feeling is he will get advice and on hearing the costs involved he will do nothing. But the next step is to tell him I’m gonna be claiming half the house he’s in ... 😬😬😬 if he's this pi$$ed about the divorce then it’s going to get worse. I’m tempted to drop that part - let him keep the damn house it’s not worth lots but maybe £20k each perhaps at a guess? If we got a 50/50 split? That would make a huge difference to my life. Pay off debts. I just think maybe my peace of mind is worth more though - and being civil with him like we were today would sure as hell be a lot better to live with than have him as an enemy. The kids are happy and relaxed too right now as we haven’t been fighting.
i just want to move onto the next chapter of my life without further hassle and stress. My anxiety is high. If he’s going to context everything at every step of the way it’s going to be so ugly and I don’t think I can do it.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I hear you!
My experience has been:
Step back .
Prayer.
Pause.
Gratitude for all God/Great Spirit/Higher Power is providing.
Trust in the beyond experiences.
It's okay that you and he sees things differently. That he's questioning some things doesn't mean there's a problem. Here is an opportunity for prayer, meditation, inner knowing of the next step meant for you.
Maybe it's a delicious dinner, time to fully relax, etc.
My experience has been:
Step back .
Prayer.
Pause.
Gratitude for all God/Great Spirit/Higher Power is providing.
Trust in the beyond experiences.
It's okay that you and he sees things differently. That he's questioning some things doesn't mean there's a problem. Here is an opportunity for prayer, meditation, inner knowing of the next step meant for you.
Maybe it's a delicious dinner, time to fully relax, etc.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Divorce: "A divorce is the legal ending of a marriage."
This can be as easy as one is able to release, accept and move forward. Step 1: powerlessness, allows coming into a state of acceptance and then actions that are truly powerful! What someone else is doing is up to them. As we allow ease, balance and harmony, everything around us starts to align with this.
One breath at a time. It's going to be okay.
What three things can you allow yourself the space to enjoy, in this moment? This question and mindfulness techniques have been extremely valuable in legal issues.
This can be as easy as one is able to release, accept and move forward. Step 1: powerlessness, allows coming into a state of acceptance and then actions that are truly powerful! What someone else is doing is up to them. As we allow ease, balance and harmony, everything around us starts to align with this.
One breath at a time. It's going to be okay.
What three things can you allow yourself the space to enjoy, in this moment? This question and mindfulness techniques have been extremely valuable in legal issues.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I understand. Do you have any support like a therapist at all? A domestic violence counsellor?
The thing is, to give him half the house might be a mistake. I totally get that it seems like small change for your peace of mind, however, I assume you are entitled to half the property.
Remember that how he was today is not an indication of how he WILL be. You don't get to trade one for the other. I'm sure you bent over backwards to be nice during your marriage, did that have any affect on his mood/actions?
You may have just caught him on a "good" day, or a good hour, don't take that to heart, that's not who he is. He knows exactly what he did, spoke to your lawyer and ranted about your petition, maybe he was gleeful about that, or happy because he just picked up a weeks supply at the liquor store, who knows!
Giving up your half of the property might seem like an easy out but it may also have the opposite affect, by allowing him to just take your property you are showing him you are willing to just give up. Doesn't mean he is going away!
Anyway, it is totally up to you of course, however I would absolutely discuss it with your lawyer first and with a counsellor or therapist as well if you can.
The thing is, to give him half the house might be a mistake. I totally get that it seems like small change for your peace of mind, however, I assume you are entitled to half the property.
Remember that how he was today is not an indication of how he WILL be. You don't get to trade one for the other. I'm sure you bent over backwards to be nice during your marriage, did that have any affect on his mood/actions?
You may have just caught him on a "good" day, or a good hour, don't take that to heart, that's not who he is. He knows exactly what he did, spoke to your lawyer and ranted about your petition, maybe he was gleeful about that, or happy because he just picked up a weeks supply at the liquor store, who knows!
Giving up your half of the property might seem like an easy out but it may also have the opposite affect, by allowing him to just take your property you are showing him you are willing to just give up. Doesn't mean he is going away!
Anyway, it is totally up to you of course, however I would absolutely discuss it with your lawyer first and with a counsellor or therapist as well if you can.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
I see this from my EXAH all the time. Yo yo behaviour. Threatens to uplift kids by force, nec minute dropping groceries off. He's playing up to the judge. Be prepared for inconsistent reactions. Im beginning to think it's part of the disease.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
I think divorce is a bit more complicated in the UK, isn't it? In much of the US, there is no 'contesting' or 'defending' the divorce. If one person wants out, it's going to happen, whether the other agrees or not. Nothing need be proven in terms of adultery, incompatibility, abuse, mental illness.
In the US, wanting a divorce is enough. Tangling over money, children, etc is another matter.
You have my sympathy.
In the US, wanting a divorce is enough. Tangling over money, children, etc is another matter.
You have my sympathy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
I think you are living on a mighty thin margin yourself. Debt is also a terrible stressor, and I think Mr. Nice guy is a temporary tactic for him to get you to give up what you are legally entitled to.
Look how well only one “treatment “ worked on you.
He knew the letter was coming and manipulated accordingly. . .
Look how well only one “treatment “ worked on you.
He knew the letter was coming and manipulated accordingly. . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Yeah .. I’ve had a bit of time to mull it over Thankyou guys... you always talk sense. The breathing and the living in the moment techniques help a lot as I don’t have a counsellor at the moment. I can go to women’s aid if I need to though.
yep I think he’s also a narcissist. He can’t accept any blame or admit he’s wrong ever. I think he’s likely to try and play victim and manipulate me into thinking he’s about to support us financially (after months of paying no maintenance and pleading poverty he suddenly can afford all this shopping?) he text me to ask if I liked the food he bought. I replied “yeah it was great let me know what I owe you!” so he doesn’t have a text record to “prove his generosity” in court somewhere down the line. I agree with the comments that it’s likely not a choice between him being nice or not in future depending on me claiming what is rightfully half mine in the divorce. He can change from mr charming to mr nasty very quickly indeed and this current hoovering is just another tactic. I will wait the 7 days to see what he does regarding defending it or not!
I wish UK laws were like the USA yes we have to list reasons and cite blame - if he doesn’t agree then it goes to court! A judge decides who is correct. He can also counter defend me with a divorce petition of his own putting “blame” on me. That would be interesting - but I dont think he can afford it. If he could I’ve no doubt he would do that! Purely to get me in front of a judge and try to break me. And so he can play victim.
crazy thing is NOBODY reads the papers except a judge so tbh it’s not worth disputing. If he says I shagged the entire British rugby team I’d happily agree to get it over with 😂
yep I think he’s also a narcissist. He can’t accept any blame or admit he’s wrong ever. I think he’s likely to try and play victim and manipulate me into thinking he’s about to support us financially (after months of paying no maintenance and pleading poverty he suddenly can afford all this shopping?) he text me to ask if I liked the food he bought. I replied “yeah it was great let me know what I owe you!” so he doesn’t have a text record to “prove his generosity” in court somewhere down the line. I agree with the comments that it’s likely not a choice between him being nice or not in future depending on me claiming what is rightfully half mine in the divorce. He can change from mr charming to mr nasty very quickly indeed and this current hoovering is just another tactic. I will wait the 7 days to see what he does regarding defending it or not!
I wish UK laws were like the USA yes we have to list reasons and cite blame - if he doesn’t agree then it goes to court! A judge decides who is correct. He can also counter defend me with a divorce petition of his own putting “blame” on me. That would be interesting - but I dont think he can afford it. If he could I’ve no doubt he would do that! Purely to get me in front of a judge and try to break me. And so he can play victim.
crazy thing is NOBODY reads the papers except a judge so tbh it’s not worth disputing. If he says I shagged the entire British rugby team I’d happily agree to get it over with 😂
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
From what I've experienced, the entire court system/game is a bit screwy. Accepting the "unacceptable" creates a new perspective that helps greatly. As does a lot of contact with recovery groups. My two local domestic abuse recovery support centers are absolutely amazing life-savers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Raining buttons
I am in a fairly similar position to you...... my husband has contested our divorce and is building a case against me for the judge and using emotional blackmail tactics and getting the kids involved.....it's very, very unpleasant....
my therapist drew me a diagram some weeks ago. At the top of the page it said DIVORCE. she drew a line down the middle of the page. One side said EMOTIONAL the other side said ECONOMIC. She said don't confuse the two. The economic side is what the court deals with. They are not interested in the emotional side. You have to find somewhere else to deal with that.
I am in a fairly similar position to you...... my husband has contested our divorce and is building a case against me for the judge and using emotional blackmail tactics and getting the kids involved.....it's very, very unpleasant....
my therapist drew me a diagram some weeks ago. At the top of the page it said DIVORCE. she drew a line down the middle of the page. One side said EMOTIONAL the other side said ECONOMIC. She said don't confuse the two. The economic side is what the court deals with. They are not interested in the emotional side. You have to find somewhere else to deal with that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Amaranth, a friend of mine used to work in estate law. There were often times he would interrupt a client and say, "You know, it's going to be _much_ cheaper to discuss these issues with a therapist." On occasion, the client would just keep on trucking. It usually took one bill to set the client straight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
He’s agreed to it 🙏
Such a relief to hear today that he’s not going to contest it after all. He’s been over with more food and been ultra nice again - still said nothing. I’m grateful for the peace right now and the current feeling is calm.
Onto step two ... the house! 😩🙏
Onto step two ... the house! 😩🙏
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sorry, but i'd be more worried when he pulls the NICE act again. because it gets you off-footed and thinking all is well.
it's like the virus - they say we should all act AS IF we have and everyone else does to, and then act accordingly. best to assume he has bad intent and act accordingly.
it's like the virus - they say we should all act AS IF we have and everyone else does to, and then act accordingly. best to assume he has bad intent and act accordingly.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
To echo the above posts, my experience has been when people are being "nice" that is the danger time! They are up to something!
I would treat nice and nasty behaviour as the same in them! The intent behind it. Is all manipulation.
I see this in my AH.
I would treat nice and nasty behaviour as the same in them! The intent behind it. Is all manipulation.
I see this in my AH.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
You are right ... 🤔 i can’t believe that I still get caught off guard by him even now!
he’s started a habit of ringing me every evening to “chat” it’s usually “I’m just checking in that everyone’s ok?” But he never asks to speak to the kids. In fact our son has his own mobile he could just call anyway?
yesterday it was also to ask if we needed anything from the shops. I said no Thankyou I have a food delivery today- but he insisted that I make a list anyway should anything be short.
I think he’s enjoying our vulnerability being on lockdown and he’s been the only one bringing us supplies. I re read my old posts on here last night and reminded myself of how far I’ve come. It’s actually good to remember the manipulation he’s capable of so I don’t get drawn in again.
he’s started a habit of ringing me every evening to “chat” it’s usually “I’m just checking in that everyone’s ok?” But he never asks to speak to the kids. In fact our son has his own mobile he could just call anyway?
yesterday it was also to ask if we needed anything from the shops. I said no Thankyou I have a food delivery today- but he insisted that I make a list anyway should anything be short.
I think he’s enjoying our vulnerability being on lockdown and he’s been the only one bringing us supplies. I re read my old posts on here last night and reminded myself of how far I’ve come. It’s actually good to remember the manipulation he’s capable of so I don’t get drawn in again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
RB, it's definitely good you are reminding yourself how far you've come. It's obvious to those of us who have followed your story.
You don't have to answer every text and every call. If you need something let him know, if you don't you can let those calls and messages go unanswered. There is power in not responding.
You don't have to answer every text and every call. If you need something let him know, if you don't you can let those calls and messages go unanswered. There is power in not responding.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
A favor is not a favor if it's forced upon you.
You also _don't_ have to explain _why_ you are declining his offer. I personally wouldn't go into specifics about deliveries and whatnot. "Thanks, we're OK for now. Will take you up on it if we need it" is a perfectly acceptable answer. "Let's save the favour for when it really matters," can also serve as a deflection.
You also _don't_ have to explain _why_ you are declining his offer. I personally wouldn't go into specifics about deliveries and whatnot. "Thanks, we're OK for now. Will take you up on it if we need it" is a perfectly acceptable answer. "Let's save the favour for when it really matters," can also serve as a deflection.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Another injury...
Last night he apparently “tripped” over some laundry he’d left on the landing going to the loo and fell down his stairs at 1am ...
turned up this morning with milk for us and his elbow hand and head covered in dried blood and scratches. The lies he’s telling himself ... and he’s apparently still not got a drink problem? 🙄😬
turned up this morning with milk for us and his elbow hand and head covered in dried blood and scratches. The lies he’s telling himself ... and he’s apparently still not got a drink problem? 🙄😬
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Lucky he doesn't have a drinking problem or that fall could have been really nasty!
Rule 101 in a household, never leave anything "unexpected" on the stairs. I would like to tell him that, what's his number lol
So what happened when he showed up "bloodied" with a jug of milk? I hope you grabbed the milk and slammed the door?
Who does that? Don't you fix yourself up and THEN go deliver milk? Sounds like manipulation to me.
Good for you RB for reviewing your posts as a reminder, that's such a good exercise. You have come so far, you are so strong.
Rule 101 in a household, never leave anything "unexpected" on the stairs. I would like to tell him that, what's his number lol
So what happened when he showed up "bloodied" with a jug of milk? I hope you grabbed the milk and slammed the door?
Who does that? Don't you fix yourself up and THEN go deliver milk? Sounds like manipulation to me.
Good for you RB for reviewing your posts as a reminder, that's such a good exercise. You have come so far, you are so strong.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
