Is this a part of my codependence?
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Is this a part of my codependence?
A little off topic from AH but I am starting to suspect it relates to my codie issues. I am finding that I am worrying about my 2 teens rather obsessively. It's really starting to effect our relationship and I feel like I am driving especially my daughter away. She is 16 and our relationship has become very strained, we were always so close but now she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. My worries revolve around drinking and possibly pot smoking. She has never come home drunk or stoned but she does go to the occasional party where I am sure this is happening. I know what I was doing at that age and I absolutely can't stand the thought of her doing the same things, especially with alcoholism running on AH side of the family.
My question, are these normal fears? What do I do with them? How do I learn to trust her until I have a reason not to? Is this a from of codependence? Would so love any insight!
My question, are these normal fears? What do I do with them? How do I learn to trust her until I have a reason not to? Is this a from of codependence? Would so love any insight!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
ND you're probably like the rest of us and have heightened anxiety levels. If it's any help my step-granddaughter who is of a similar age, and has snuck a glass of wine during an adult's party, has actually proved to be fairly responsible.
My son and DIL explained to her that her brain isn't fully developed yet, and it would be best to keep away from mind altering substances, including alcohol. It seems to have made sense to her as far as they can tell, along with the fact that she can't afford to lose her license. We often joke with her about her undeveloped frontal lobe!
I myself was determined this same son should not smoke, which he never did, but used to tell me he was sneaking out the back having fags all the time. I knew he wasn't, even though he was just about the only apprentice at his work who didn't take up the habit. Also I paid him $1000 not to.
Would it help to apologise to your daughter for crowding her, and say it comes from your anxiety and you'll try not do it inappropriately in the future?
Try to meditate and stay as calm as you can. Deep breaths.
My son and DIL explained to her that her brain isn't fully developed yet, and it would be best to keep away from mind altering substances, including alcohol. It seems to have made sense to her as far as they can tell, along with the fact that she can't afford to lose her license. We often joke with her about her undeveloped frontal lobe!
I myself was determined this same son should not smoke, which he never did, but used to tell me he was sneaking out the back having fags all the time. I knew he wasn't, even though he was just about the only apprentice at his work who didn't take up the habit. Also I paid him $1000 not to.
Would it help to apologise to your daughter for crowding her, and say it comes from your anxiety and you'll try not do it inappropriately in the future?
Try to meditate and stay as calm as you can. Deep breaths.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
I think that's just parenting a 16 year old. I have one too.
My son is experimenting, caught him several times with Pot.
Not a damn thing I can do about it.
I did the same thing at his age and got lectured plenty, didn't listen to a word anyone said.
At that age, any kid who has even the slightest rebellious tendency is basically a deaf know all and it's pretty hard to get anything through to them.
A book I read changed my mind a fair bit about how to deal with it.
Basically the advice was, our job becomes simply making sure they survive 15-18 and wait for them to grow up and out of it and become a little more reasonable.
It also said Jump up and down too much and you end up losing them altogether. So I didn't wanna risk that, because I've seen that happen IRL, couple of guys and girls I grew up with had strict religious parents and they ended up the biggest tear aways of my whole crew of friends at that age.
I was no angel, but these 4 were off the chain completely.
So I've told him a few stories about how things went wrong at times when I was his age and a few times he's just blown it off, then come back with his tail between his legs and said "gee Dad, you were right"
He had to learn the hard way as we all do at times.
But, Now when I give him a few pointers, from experience, I have some credibility because he knows I've walked the walk, I'm not just on my soapbox pretending like I never did stuff and coming off as one of those control freak Dad's who just wants to spoil his fun (at least that's how they see it)
He even occasionally comes for advice, imagine that 🤯
That's only happened since I dropped the holier than thou routine and became more relatable.
When you think about it, it'd be pretty hard to sit in front of someone who was 40 something, never had any kids and listen to them dish out advice on parenting, right? You'd just be sat there thinking "and you know any of this how exactly?"
So, maybe, that'd be worth a shot. Get more relatable. Let her know you've been there, tell a few cautionary tales from experience.
My son is experimenting, caught him several times with Pot.
Not a damn thing I can do about it.
I did the same thing at his age and got lectured plenty, didn't listen to a word anyone said.
At that age, any kid who has even the slightest rebellious tendency is basically a deaf know all and it's pretty hard to get anything through to them.
A book I read changed my mind a fair bit about how to deal with it.
Basically the advice was, our job becomes simply making sure they survive 15-18 and wait for them to grow up and out of it and become a little more reasonable.
It also said Jump up and down too much and you end up losing them altogether. So I didn't wanna risk that, because I've seen that happen IRL, couple of guys and girls I grew up with had strict religious parents and they ended up the biggest tear aways of my whole crew of friends at that age.
I was no angel, but these 4 were off the chain completely.
So I've told him a few stories about how things went wrong at times when I was his age and a few times he's just blown it off, then come back with his tail between his legs and said "gee Dad, you were right"
He had to learn the hard way as we all do at times.
But, Now when I give him a few pointers, from experience, I have some credibility because he knows I've walked the walk, I'm not just on my soapbox pretending like I never did stuff and coming off as one of those control freak Dad's who just wants to spoil his fun (at least that's how they see it)
He even occasionally comes for advice, imagine that 🤯
That's only happened since I dropped the holier than thou routine and became more relatable.
When you think about it, it'd be pretty hard to sit in front of someone who was 40 something, never had any kids and listen to them dish out advice on parenting, right? You'd just be sat there thinking "and you know any of this how exactly?"
So, maybe, that'd be worth a shot. Get more relatable. Let her know you've been there, tell a few cautionary tales from experience.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Thank you Derringer and FeelingGreat, good advice, I know from my own youth I would not have listened. I am just going back and forth in my head about how to handle things and I am clearly just screwing it all up.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Nd, Teenagers are HARD to deal with. Especially girls. I had one of each and my daughter was by far the most difficult to "deal" with.
You said you feel like you are "clearly just screwing it all up". I think every parent to every teen ever feels this way. Often it feels like no matter what angle you approach something from they will roll their eyes, stomp off to their room and slam the door. (If they are girls this will likely be accompanied by tears and a string of words spoken so quickly and garbled you wont know what she said)
That's not you.. that's not your fault. They are just asserting their independence (in a very rude way). That's nature getting you both ready for that little birdy to fly the coop. I wasn't pleased when my daughter decided to leave home sooner than I wanted her to go... but holy smokes was our home ever a calmer place to be when she took her late teenage attitude and moved it elsewhere.
I was a raging codependent when my kids were teens, I didn't have a grip on it yet and it definitely affected our relationships. I was trying to control them, especially my daughter, because controlling my husband and our marriage certainly wasn't working so I ramped up on to the kids.... that didn't work out well for any of us. The difference between you and I is that you are aware of your codie ways. I was not. I thought it was my job to treat my kids the way my codie mum had treated me. You know better, you are aware, you are doing a better job than I did.
Give yourself a break. You and she will both come out of this trying time. My daughter is 26 now and she is one of my very best friends. She has apologized for her BS as a teen... and I've apologized for my crazy behavior back then as well.
Parenting young adults is way harder than parenting toddlers. No one ever tells you that when they warn you about the "terrible twos" and "terrifying threes"!
You are doing great! *hugs*
You said you feel like you are "clearly just screwing it all up". I think every parent to every teen ever feels this way. Often it feels like no matter what angle you approach something from they will roll their eyes, stomp off to their room and slam the door. (If they are girls this will likely be accompanied by tears and a string of words spoken so quickly and garbled you wont know what she said)
That's not you.. that's not your fault. They are just asserting their independence (in a very rude way). That's nature getting you both ready for that little birdy to fly the coop. I wasn't pleased when my daughter decided to leave home sooner than I wanted her to go... but holy smokes was our home ever a calmer place to be when she took her late teenage attitude and moved it elsewhere.
I was a raging codependent when my kids were teens, I didn't have a grip on it yet and it definitely affected our relationships. I was trying to control them, especially my daughter, because controlling my husband and our marriage certainly wasn't working so I ramped up on to the kids.... that didn't work out well for any of us. The difference between you and I is that you are aware of your codie ways. I was not. I thought it was my job to treat my kids the way my codie mum had treated me. You know better, you are aware, you are doing a better job than I did.
Give yourself a break. You and she will both come out of this trying time. My daughter is 26 now and she is one of my very best friends. She has apologized for her BS as a teen... and I've apologized for my crazy behavior back then as well.
Parenting young adults is way harder than parenting toddlers. No one ever tells you that when they warn you about the "terrible twos" and "terrifying threes"!
You are doing great! *hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Thank you for the reinforcement SBM. I truly feel like I'm losing it at times so it is always nice to hear from others that can relate. I do feel like I try to control, will need to be more aware of those red flags. I worry so much we will never be close again. There goes the fear thing again, I seriously wish I could kick it out of my life!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh boy do I feel your pain! I have a young adult in college and also an early teen. The first one has went through a lot of trials. Not really in trouble but has had a lot of emotional issues and that sort of thing. It's been hard not to worry myself to death about them, especially about drinking, etc.
That being said, I had to take a breath and hope that the morals and values I have instilled in them have taken. I know they will go through things. I wish I could protect them from their own choices, but I know I cannot. So I try to listen and be there for them. It's VERY hard, and from one momma to another, you are not alone!!!
That being said, I had to take a breath and hope that the morals and values I have instilled in them have taken. I know they will go through things. I wish I could protect them from their own choices, but I know I cannot. So I try to listen and be there for them. It's VERY hard, and from one momma to another, you are not alone!!!
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