Husband just released from hospital
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 1
Husband just released from hospital
Hi all...
I am really struggling with what's happening here at home and I'm looking for some support from people who understand what I'm going through. I do have a great support system here, friends and family that are consistently checking up on me and my husband, but I don't really know how to deal with what's happening.
So, my husband went to the ER earlier this week at the insistence of his parents. The week before he was really sick (again), shaking, puking, just a hot mess. He asked me to buy him some rum on his way home and I refused. He tried to tell me he was sick and I finally said no, either you have something really wrong with you or you're going through withdrawals.
I knew he had been heavily drinking, but I didn't know how to bring it up with him. To be clear, he's never been angry, or violent, so I wasn't scared of him. I didn't know what to say because I like to have a glass of wine in the evenings or whatever, and he typically just tosses everything back onto me when I bring up an issue. I have to really hammer down that we are addressing something with him, and I'm willing to hear him out, but I need him to pay attention to what I'm saying and how I'm feeling in that moment. It was just recently that I vented to my mother and friends and admitted to them that I was worried about how much he was drinking. Within days he was admitted to the ER.
The drinking had gotten out of control over time, I think. I knew he liked to drink when I met him but it didn't seem like a problem. Looking back I can see quite a few red flags. He had gotten a DUI about a year before we met, he got so drunk at a concert we went to, before it even started, that he had to be taken to the ER. I stayed at the concert. Then I started to pay attention to how much he was drinking when I wasn't. But we also started to drift apart. I didn't like to constant negative attitude and I was annoyed that he wouldn't get out of bed or help out with any chores. He started to stay in the guest room down in the basement and at first I begged him to come back upstairs. But then I got used to it and now it's almost like we're roommates. I feel like there's so much to this and I'm glossing over it because I don't want to overwhelm you, I just want someone to read it and let me know how to get through this.
I guess I'll skip ahead to what's happening right now. He was in the hospital for 3 days to get him through the worst of the withdrawal symptoms. I did go visit him when I got off work, his parents stayed with him the entire time. But when I got there to visit I was just so angry. He ended up admitting to me that for a long time he has had to get up and have a strong drink in the morning just to be able to function. I am already up and at work by the time he gets up. He told me that he was hoping that he would just die in his sleep. Turns out he just got pancreatitis and had high liver enzymes. He was throwing up so much that he couldn't even keep alcohol down which triggered the severe withdrawal symptoms. Hearing all of this just made me so angry. He has 3 children and I have 2, so it's not just us. My kids live with us full time and they are not oblivious to what's going on. And that just breaks my heart. The conversations I've had this week with my 13 yr old are the worst. Their biological father isn't in the picture and my husband has been their main father figure for 5 years now, he loves them and they love him. They are confused and worried. That just adds to my anger with him. On top of that, if he loses his job, we can't afford our house. That is another stress for me.
When he got out of the hospital I told him that maybe he should go stay with his parents for a few days or a week because they could really be there for him and that I wasn't in the mental space for that yet. He didn't want to do that and came home and went back down to the basement. I haven't really talked to him yet. I did write him a letter and leave it for him. We have texted a little bit and I'm just trying to be honest about how I'm feeling. I don't have a lot of sympathy right now and I'm not ready to hug it out while he cries.
Basically at this point I'm angry and sad and resentful and I don't know how to move past it. I feel guilty because I know he is struggling with being sober and still feeling the effects of the withdrawal but I don't want to be around him. I want to find a way for us to move forward, but I'm scared. I'm scared that this sobriety won't last or that we have been so far apart and I've been so over it that we can't come back from it. Also, this isn't the most important thing, but I'm already resentful that we can no longer have alcohol in the house. I feel like I'm now being punished because he can't control himself.
Long post, I know, but does anyone have any advice for this time period? How do I move forward? Just anything you've got. I feel better just getting some of this out.
Thanks!
I am really struggling with what's happening here at home and I'm looking for some support from people who understand what I'm going through. I do have a great support system here, friends and family that are consistently checking up on me and my husband, but I don't really know how to deal with what's happening.
So, my husband went to the ER earlier this week at the insistence of his parents. The week before he was really sick (again), shaking, puking, just a hot mess. He asked me to buy him some rum on his way home and I refused. He tried to tell me he was sick and I finally said no, either you have something really wrong with you or you're going through withdrawals.
I knew he had been heavily drinking, but I didn't know how to bring it up with him. To be clear, he's never been angry, or violent, so I wasn't scared of him. I didn't know what to say because I like to have a glass of wine in the evenings or whatever, and he typically just tosses everything back onto me when I bring up an issue. I have to really hammer down that we are addressing something with him, and I'm willing to hear him out, but I need him to pay attention to what I'm saying and how I'm feeling in that moment. It was just recently that I vented to my mother and friends and admitted to them that I was worried about how much he was drinking. Within days he was admitted to the ER.
The drinking had gotten out of control over time, I think. I knew he liked to drink when I met him but it didn't seem like a problem. Looking back I can see quite a few red flags. He had gotten a DUI about a year before we met, he got so drunk at a concert we went to, before it even started, that he had to be taken to the ER. I stayed at the concert. Then I started to pay attention to how much he was drinking when I wasn't. But we also started to drift apart. I didn't like to constant negative attitude and I was annoyed that he wouldn't get out of bed or help out with any chores. He started to stay in the guest room down in the basement and at first I begged him to come back upstairs. But then I got used to it and now it's almost like we're roommates. I feel like there's so much to this and I'm glossing over it because I don't want to overwhelm you, I just want someone to read it and let me know how to get through this.
I guess I'll skip ahead to what's happening right now. He was in the hospital for 3 days to get him through the worst of the withdrawal symptoms. I did go visit him when I got off work, his parents stayed with him the entire time. But when I got there to visit I was just so angry. He ended up admitting to me that for a long time he has had to get up and have a strong drink in the morning just to be able to function. I am already up and at work by the time he gets up. He told me that he was hoping that he would just die in his sleep. Turns out he just got pancreatitis and had high liver enzymes. He was throwing up so much that he couldn't even keep alcohol down which triggered the severe withdrawal symptoms. Hearing all of this just made me so angry. He has 3 children and I have 2, so it's not just us. My kids live with us full time and they are not oblivious to what's going on. And that just breaks my heart. The conversations I've had this week with my 13 yr old are the worst. Their biological father isn't in the picture and my husband has been their main father figure for 5 years now, he loves them and they love him. They are confused and worried. That just adds to my anger with him. On top of that, if he loses his job, we can't afford our house. That is another stress for me.
When he got out of the hospital I told him that maybe he should go stay with his parents for a few days or a week because they could really be there for him and that I wasn't in the mental space for that yet. He didn't want to do that and came home and went back down to the basement. I haven't really talked to him yet. I did write him a letter and leave it for him. We have texted a little bit and I'm just trying to be honest about how I'm feeling. I don't have a lot of sympathy right now and I'm not ready to hug it out while he cries.
Basically at this point I'm angry and sad and resentful and I don't know how to move past it. I feel guilty because I know he is struggling with being sober and still feeling the effects of the withdrawal but I don't want to be around him. I want to find a way for us to move forward, but I'm scared. I'm scared that this sobriety won't last or that we have been so far apart and I've been so over it that we can't come back from it. Also, this isn't the most important thing, but I'm already resentful that we can no longer have alcohol in the house. I feel like I'm now being punished because he can't control himself.
Long post, I know, but does anyone have any advice for this time period? How do I move forward? Just anything you've got. I feel better just getting some of this out.
Thanks!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You're not going to be able to help him with sobriety because it has to be driven by his own strong motivation, so don't feel you're harming him by staying away from topic in any detail. Typically, detox needs to be followed by rehab or a program that helps him stay sober. Do you know whether he's planning that step? Without it he'll probably struggle.
You're angry right now, and it would be helpful to process that with a counsellor or Al-anon (for the family of the A). I suggest you learn as much as you can about alcoholism, and this site is a great place to start. Concentrate on yourself and the kids and how you're coping now. The time will come for talking to him.
It would also be prudent to have a good grasp of your finances and other practical matters, just in case. You don't know whether you'll need to rely just on yourself in the future.
You're angry right now, and it would be helpful to process that with a counsellor or Al-anon (for the family of the A). I suggest you learn as much as you can about alcoholism, and this site is a great place to start. Concentrate on yourself and the kids and how you're coping now. The time will come for talking to him.
It would also be prudent to have a good grasp of your finances and other practical matters, just in case. You don't know whether you'll need to rely just on yourself in the future.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Buy a copy of the book Alcoholics Anonymous.
Read it.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself about what alcoholism is, how it can be treated and what role you can play, if you want to play any, that is your choice.
Anger and resentment is everyone's go to, but there is a better way.
The drinking and the inability to control it, is not his fault, that is alcoholism at work.
What is his fault is that he has a choice to seek help (or not) and that is the key indicator as to what you accordingly, can or cannot help with.
Welcome to SR by the way 😊
Read it.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself about what alcoholism is, how it can be treated and what role you can play, if you want to play any, that is your choice.
Anger and resentment is everyone's go to, but there is a better way.
The drinking and the inability to control it, is not his fault, that is alcoholism at work.
What is his fault is that he has a choice to seek help (or not) and that is the key indicator as to what you accordingly, can or cannot help with.
Welcome to SR by the way 😊
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hulucat…...getting yourself to an alanon meeting, right away would be my best advice.
Of course you are angry....I think that is natural....anger is most always the emotion that covers our pain, frustration and fear....
I get that you are very fearful, right now.
and, I will add, that I think you have good reason to fear....they are not unfounded, in my opinion.
First of all....unless he is in a program of some sort and is dedicated to work it really hard, he is almost assured of returning to the drink.....
***Alcoholism is never cured. It is there for a livetime….it can be arrested by being in a strong program and living by the program principles for the rest of his life....
I am saying that he should be willing to go to AA (or similar program) right now...and KEEP going....
I suggest that now is the time that you must pick up the rope for yourself and your kids. You cannot count on him to get sober and stay sober for the rest of your life.
You cannot control him...he is going to do what he wants to do, in the end.
It is highly likely that you will be on your own with the kids....shouldering the responsibility for yourself and them.....
Living in an alcoholic home is very damaging to the children. Of course they might love him....but, that, alone, does not protect them from the damage that they will be carrying into their own adult lives. They should not be living in an alcoholic home. Being with one stable and sober parent who can focus on their welfare is a better situation for their welfare.
Right now...the best thing that you can do, in my opinion, is to get all the outside support that you can get. You can go to alanon, and get a counselor for yourself....and get the services of a lawyer as to your rights....especially your financial rights....
You will need all the education that you can get on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. We have a library of over a hundred articles, right here, on this forum. It is contained in the "stickies"...just above the threads on the main page.
I am going to give you the following link to that library (contained in the stickies)….I am giving it to you for your quick convenience. There are enough articles to read one every single day. Please read them....you will learn sooo much!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Of course you are angry....I think that is natural....anger is most always the emotion that covers our pain, frustration and fear....
I get that you are very fearful, right now.
and, I will add, that I think you have good reason to fear....they are not unfounded, in my opinion.
First of all....unless he is in a program of some sort and is dedicated to work it really hard, he is almost assured of returning to the drink.....
***Alcoholism is never cured. It is there for a livetime….it can be arrested by being in a strong program and living by the program principles for the rest of his life....
I am saying that he should be willing to go to AA (or similar program) right now...and KEEP going....
I suggest that now is the time that you must pick up the rope for yourself and your kids. You cannot count on him to get sober and stay sober for the rest of your life.
You cannot control him...he is going to do what he wants to do, in the end.
It is highly likely that you will be on your own with the kids....shouldering the responsibility for yourself and them.....
Living in an alcoholic home is very damaging to the children. Of course they might love him....but, that, alone, does not protect them from the damage that they will be carrying into their own adult lives. They should not be living in an alcoholic home. Being with one stable and sober parent who can focus on their welfare is a better situation for their welfare.
Right now...the best thing that you can do, in my opinion, is to get all the outside support that you can get. You can go to alanon, and get a counselor for yourself....and get the services of a lawyer as to your rights....especially your financial rights....
You will need all the education that you can get on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. We have a library of over a hundred articles, right here, on this forum. It is contained in the "stickies"...just above the threads on the main page.
I am going to give you the following link to that library (contained in the stickies)….I am giving it to you for your quick convenience. There are enough articles to read one every single day. Please read them....you will learn sooo much!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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