horsegirl

Hello all,
I've not posted for a few months ,but need to give an update and get some thoughts.
If you look back at my previous posts , you will see I was struggling with an alcoholic /gambler and him using me as well as my enabling , giving away my power , boundary issues and just general co dependent crazy.
Well last straw happened on Valentines day with another broken promise. We were supposed to do something that nioght , but instead he decided to go to the bar at 11:00 am and was drunk by the time i got off work. It was the first and last time i chased him down. I hung at the bar but was completely miserable and left at 8:30. Of course he noticed I was gone after about 15 minutes and then the texting started . The next day he tried to shift some of the blame on me saying I had a few drinks as well. What? I had two glasses of wine and watched him drink and play pull tabs until I had enough, wised up and knew I did not want to be there. two weeks ago I told him I was done , I was sick of the lies , broken promises and that my needs were not being met. He has left me alone , but of course he still owes me over $1000. 00 for a horse deal. I reached out to the people that have the horse and they are very sorry for me and are going to pay me off. here is the kicker , why the heck do I feel like I am a bad person ? I feel like I did a rotten thing to my exabf by reaching out to his friends to get my money back. He most probably hates me and thinks I am a total B.
My al-anon sponsor asked my why I care what he thinks about me? I guess I just never want anyone to hate me , I feel guilty , like I did some revenge thing on him ..
UGH ! I can't win . If I would have just left this and not tried to get my money , I would have felt really used . But now when I am getting my money , I feel bad that his friend know . I guess in reality I am just hurt that exabf did not even want to or try to pay me back , that stings the most.

California123

Well if he's a gambler, I'm sure he's not in any big hurry to pay off a grand--to you or anyone else. I wouldn't take it personally at all. And given that the relationship ended, perhaps not his choice, he is also possibly writing off the debt as well. Hard to get into the minds of others and what motivated their actions and decisions. At the end of the day, from what I can tell you are getting the money so my advice would be to be happy about that, and move on totally from this guy who sounds like he isn't good for you at all--not just the drinking but his overall character

California123

Oh and what kind of man goes to a bar at 11am on Valentine's day without his partner? I mean, I'd question a couple if they did that as well, but doing that alone on that day is a giant red flag. Sounds like a loser and you should be thankful he's not in your life---with or without the grand!

trailmix

What that is, is misplaced guilt. It happens to all of us sometimes. Most of us are brought up to "turn the other cheek", forgive, let bygones be bygones, be NICE to people, don't hurt them.

In a way, asking his friends for the money does hurt him. However! Money is money and this was a business transaction. He wanted a stake in this horse and you loaned him the money, with his promise he would pay you back.

You just want your money back! You are completely entitled to that money, unless you really want a stake in that horse!

In my opinion you absolutely did the right thing.

The misplaced guilt comes from potentially hurting him, but sometimes, you know, that can't be avoided, There is a difference between purposefully hurting someone and doing your best to get the money back that is owed to you, even if that hurts him.

Also, didn't this all happen before, you contacted his friends and then he contacted you and you ended up back together? So he can't say he was not fully aware of what would happen if he didn't pay you back.

HIS intentions are skewed, this has nothing to do with you really, it has to do with him and his lack of integrity or any kind of clear thinking.

horsegirl

Wow Trailmix , this is great help . No I absolutely do not want a stake in that horse. I want my money and to be done. And to answer your question , yes , this all happened once before, his friend never replied to me last time and my ex contacted me and gave me some money. Yes we got back together - very bad decision on my part. I am now completely done , trying to heal and working on my own addiction to this toxic thing we had going. His friends were very nice yesterday when I reached out. They did not have any idea that he had not paid me yet. They apologized for ex not holding up his end of the deal and they are going to pay me. I am very grateful for their kindness , they really did not have any legal obligation. Thank you for the reminder, and goo d thought, yes I did this before , of course he should know I would again.

horsegirl

I just re read my last post regarding this person and can say I was completely delusional. I see what I wrote and was thinking. I feel like I have coma long way in a short time, confident that I did not cause his behavior , confident that I never want to go back, confident that I will heal and soon this will all be just a memory, confidant that I was a good person that just cared a little too much for my own good.

Bekindalways

So glad that you have changed so much that you can see your past delusions. Man oh man can those delusions be intoxicating. It is why we codies often have a lot in common with the drunks.

Keep on healing and growing HG. May wonderful things open up for you.

horsegirl

Update ; working on three weeks strong , no contact .. this grief thing is so hard .
Nothing ever was concrete when I was with him . Could this possibly be why I am questioning everything in my mind ? I know I have much more peace , anxiety is virtually gone. Bouts of sadness and tears , but I try to redirect my thinking to the bad stuff that went on. I mean every relationship even bad ones have some good things right?

California123

This is what I struggle with the most. I find myself thinking of all the good moments, her smile and how she could make me laugh etc. It's hard. Not sure what the answer is, I guess the best thing is just to hold on to the feelings that made us want to get out in the first place, try to use them as a reminder that they outweigh the good. What's really hard is that I honestly didn't want to lose my ex, but I also couldn't commit to a life of how things were with the drinking--which she was unwilling to acknowledge or change. I can relate to what you are going thru.

trailmix

Yes, I hope you have made a list? I'm sure you've read here often that a list can help.

Just list every single mean thing they said, did, and keep that list with you all the time, refer to it 20 times a day if you need to at first, so you don't just think of the "good times", which of course there were, but you remind yourself why you are doing this.

You're doing well, stay strong. It's completely normal to be sad and hurt even if you know what you are doing is best for you.

Seren

You're doing great! And yes, there is grief in every break-up. Even ones that we know in our heart-of-hearts were absolutely the right thing to do.