Hello.

I am feeling really guilty right now and looking for something to show me I’m not alone or that I’m not this nasty person, I guess.

I am not married, though maybe you could consider us unofficially married. We have been together 5+ years. My boyfriend is an active alcoholic. He has heart disease and was diagnosed with this close to 2 years ago. He was told he had the power to reverse most of it by stopping the beer. He never did. In fact, I think he has gotten far worse in the last year or so. He has progressively been going down hill for a long time, I saw this day coming and for awhile I tried and tried as anyone may do, but I GAVE UP!! I simply gave up, I quit caring and I quit trying. I even told him, if you end up back in the hospital, I am not going to submit myself to the stress and horror of it again. I can’t. He said Fine. I said Fine, and now look. He’s back.

We both caught the flu, his went from bad to worse and he developed pneumonia. He was literally dying right in front of my eyes and he refused to get help or be seen by a doctor. I took him to ER, he refused to go in. I called the ambulance one day and he refused to go with them, and they wouldn’t force it. Finally about a day later, I drove to hospital and broke down crying and said it’s up to you - you either go in there willingly and I’ll follow you, or you refuse and I’ll ask the security guard to remove you from my vehicle and I’ll drive away and never be seen again. You are not going to sit in my life and make me watch you kill your self bc I am the one who has to live with that, not you.

He decided to go in, got inside and pretty much collapsed right there in the ER. Doctors told me had he not come in, he wouldn’t be here. He has severe pneumonia, his kidneys in failure and his heart beat was 180-200 something. They obviously admitted him right away and I got mad... not at that, at HIM. I didn’t tell him, but I was livid. Was it selfish reasons? Probably. I stayed maybe 15-20 minutes (long enough to give them his info and all they needed) and left and didn’t go back that day. I went back next morning, completely doesn’t know anything - doesn’t know where he is, who he is, who I am, nothing. He was hallucinating and very confused and slightly agitated. They rushed him to MRI looking for stroke. That was clear-negative. This is relief, but my concern is brain damage and that can’t answer this they said - they said alcohol consumption can definitely cause that.

I am just at my wits end. I go and visit and I leave. I almost don’t even feel sorry for the man. I do... believe me I do, I haven’t slept in days and I cry so hard I lost my voice, but I don’t even want to be there. I really don’t. I feel he did this to himself and now it’s up to me to try and pick up all the pieces. We have a very busy life and without him here I am losing my mind. I truly felt like giving up today and calling it done. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, and I’m not even sure I want to.

I am finding I am blaming myself - maybe I should’ve tried harder. Maybe I should be sleeping there beside him right now. But I’m not. I’m home. I don’t feel good, I’m still trying to recover fully from the flu myself. I lost my voice and half what I say doesn’t even come out of my mouth. Ugh.

Tonight I was there briefly... and it’s very very difficult watching this man I love, look like a very frail child. He’s in a diaper and can’t even get up and go to the bathroom. Why in the hell did he allow this to happen and what happens next?! I almost feel I’m losing all respect for him, if I even had much. See? I sound horrible. But this isn’t right. He was told many many times this would happen and he did not care.

of course I care... I just wish I didn’t. Maybe that’s it.

I have heard of Al-Anon, I may try to look this group up?! What is it like??

I have heard the 3 C’s before... I guess I know deep down I didn’t force it... in fact I have even done the opposite, I can’t tell you how many times I have taken his beer and dumped it down the drain or taken away his car keys so he can’t go buy more, but all this did was start vicious fighting. So I stopped trying to do that stuff too.

I really really don’t want him coming home if he won’t quit drinking. I really don’t. I have zero desire to watch it one more time.

Thank you all for being here, what a tremendous group you are. I am sorry if I’m not responding quickly or enough, but my life has just done a complete 360 and I’m trying to hold on still and keep my head above these waves!!

I did not go to hospital today. I called this morning and got an update that it was a pretty rough night and looking like a rough day ahead with withdrawals. I guess he was being mean - yelling, kicking, etc. I apologized on his behalf and told them I’d be there shortly. She asked I not come. She said honestly, he won’t know you are even here and if he does it will only be for a minute. She said he was talking to people who weren’t there and he insisted they were and became nasty over the fact she couldn’t see them.

She said we are on high alert with this new virus and are trying to limit visits unless absolutely necessary. So I stayed home. I felt bad about this all day, and now that it’s evening and I’m definitely not going to be going, I feel even worse about it.

What’s making it hard though, is no one else is going. His family isn’t even going. They call me and want me to go. When I told them they asked me to not go, they almost seemed upset I listened to them. Why do I have to to be the only one? I’m not married to him, we don’t have kids with each other. I’m getting a bit of a guilt trip about it and I want to know why they can’t go.

To be honest though, I do feel bad about not going. But like I said, I’m still sick myself - I am 10x better, but I’m still very weak and just very tired. Very very. They don’t understand what I was going through the last 3 days before finally getting him there. I called and asked for help, but they just said they didn’t know what to do and I guess slept well that night - but, I never did. I had 102 fever and was up half the night trying to keep him in the house bc he was delusional and thought people were here taking cars away.

I sound like a big cry baby I know. I’m not trying to, I just don’t know why it’s suddenly all my responsibility.

Oh and to top it off, I asked his family today (all of them) if anyone would take a dog of his home - It would be a huge help to not have the dog here. I’m busy enough without having him here too. It’s a busy hyper dog and requires a lot!!

No one will take the dog. They all said Sorry we can’t.

Hello Everyone

i am sure glad I found you. It hits so hard reading that you support me, and I don’t know why. I think bc I’m not used to it. I’m used to hearing opposite things. I can’t say he’s ever blamed me, but he has made reference in the past I have made his drinking worse, due to our stressful lifestyle. That was his choice. He knew the lifestyle I lead when we met. Granted it’s gotten busier since meeting, but not that bad.

I have myself in knots over this, but I was able to relax a bit today. This entire virus scare on top of everything else isn’t helping me any, I’m a nervous person to begin with.

I spoke with the doctor when they called. She was very blunt. She said, “some people don’t survive this withdrawal process”... I was like whoa... major reality check. I cried many tears over that, but I’m sitting here asking myself do I want to hear this ever again? No. I do not.

Do people ever come out of this stage and truly quit? Since I have known him he’s never gotten to this stage, so I have nothing to use as reference. He’s not been an alcoholic his entire life, only the last 7 years - he started this road to destruction when his marriage fell apart. His friends tell me what a fantastic man he was, and yes I get that.... he is... but the alcoholic in him is not a great person, at all.