In the hospital... I don’t think I can do it anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 9
He’s on life support
Well, they had to put him on life support this morning. I don’t understand withdrawals or the process, I tried to read up on it a little but it’s over my head with understanding it.
I don’t really know what life support is going to do or not do, they say it’s because they have him so sedated that it will keep him from going into distress. I on the other hand think he already did go into distress and they put him on it. I definitely don’t feel I’m getting the full story. I’m the only one they communicate with. I don’t know why.
I don’t really know what life support is going to do or not do, they say it’s because they have him so sedated that it will keep him from going into distress. I on the other hand think he already did go into distress and they put him on it. I definitely don’t feel I’m getting the full story. I’m the only one they communicate with. I don’t know why.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 9
Thank you for being here and thank you for saying your words and comfort. It is helping me have a place that understands and can respond knowing full well what I’m going through. I’m sorry if I’m so quiet, but I am not even sure what to say. I’m still very lost. I take great comfort in your messages and yes I’m reading old stories as well you gave me to look at.
I have ordered the book. It should be here Monday
I have ordered the book. It should be here Monday
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
UnrealCat…..Of course he was in distress (general distress and discomfort)….but, when the medical staff uses the word "distress"...it sounds like they meant Respiratory Distress (difficulty actually breathing)….at which point they would have to put him on ventilation machines to keep him from succumbing.
I really don't think they would have a reason to lie to you or keep information from you.
I imagine that they are talking to you as you may be considered"next of kin". He may not have signed forms for the staff to talk to other people....
Has anyone else been TRYING to talk to them...…?
Normally, the staff will only contact the person who is considered "next of kin".....
I really don't think they would have a reason to lie to you or keep information from you.
I imagine that they are talking to you as you may be considered"next of kin". He may not have signed forms for the staff to talk to other people....
Has anyone else been TRYING to talk to them...…?
Normally, the staff will only contact the person who is considered "next of kin".....
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Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 9
Dandy, yes they said respiratory distress.
has anyone heard of someone needing ventilator coming off withdrawals?? I need some good news bad.
No one else is calling or going up there, only me. I asked his family to earlier and that’s when they called me back and said they say he’s not a patient there and that’s when I took over and figured things out. His family is letting me do all the updates and such. I don’t know why. I take the time to send all these updates and really the only one who ever responds to them is his ex wife, the mother to his son. If I don’t update, they all start asking for update. Yet when I do, acknowledge my taking the time please. I have plenty of other things to do than sit here and update you all separately. They have phones too
But regardless of everything else...... I do care about him and I do love him and it is breaking every piece of me knowing the situation he’s in right now. I want to go in there and swoop him up and make it all better, but I know I can’t. I’ve never felt so helpless.
has anyone heard of someone needing ventilator coming off withdrawals?? I need some good news bad.
No one else is calling or going up there, only me. I asked his family to earlier and that’s when they called me back and said they say he’s not a patient there and that’s when I took over and figured things out. His family is letting me do all the updates and such. I don’t know why. I take the time to send all these updates and really the only one who ever responds to them is his ex wife, the mother to his son. If I don’t update, they all start asking for update. Yet when I do, acknowledge my taking the time please. I have plenty of other things to do than sit here and update you all separately. They have phones too
But regardless of everything else...... I do care about him and I do love him and it is breaking every piece of me knowing the situation he’s in right now. I want to go in there and swoop him up and make it all better, but I know I can’t. I’ve never felt so helpless.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Pack your bags and go stay somewhere else. You have to give him an ultimatum: "It's me or the booze".
I was your boyfriend at one time. My exgf kicked me out and I checked into rehab for 5 weeks. I actually wanted to get help though which I'm not sure why your boyfriend doesn't.
Leave him. This is not your fault. Not your problem anymore. You've suffered enough.
I was your boyfriend at one time. My exgf kicked me out and I checked into rehab for 5 weeks. I actually wanted to get help though which I'm not sure why your boyfriend doesn't.
Leave him. This is not your fault. Not your problem anymore. You've suffered enough.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Unreal cat, it doesn’t sound like he is on life support because he is withdrawing but the combination of having pneumonia and kidney failure along with the withdrawals. Having pneumonia can be enough to have to go on a ventilator, no need to be in withdrawal for that. He sounds like a very sick man which is in part due to his alcoholism as they are not the most healthy people to begin with. If he is having respiratory distress he needs to have help from ventilator. Unfortunately he is also detoxing the same time he is fighting a very severe infection so he is getting a double whammy.
His family sounds like a gem, but maybe they’ve decided they’re done with him and just don’t want to deal with him, or they themselves are dysfunctional alcoholics who just can’t be bothered. You are bending over backwards to try and please everyone and feeling guilty when the hospital is telling you not to come. That is some signifiant codependency there. Not judging, I’ve been there myself and it took me a long time to get out of that trap with lots of counseling.
If he survives this episode let’s hope that it will be enough of a wake up call for him to seek help input I wouldn’t necessarily count on it. There is nothing you’ can to make him quit. NOTHING. And you have nothing to feel guilty about. He is doing this to himself. He has a choice to get clean or to keep drinking and you have zero control over what he choses., no matter how much you beg or plead with him. It sounds like you are at a point where this has become unmanageable for you. No matter how sick he is it is time to start thinking about your own health because this chaos is very unhealthy for you mentally and physically. Quit worrying about his family and don’t bother contacting them. You don’t owe them anything and they clearly don’t care.
Honestly you are better off cutting ties with him. You won’t be able to stop him from killing himself so sticking around won’t do anything (if your love could fix him you would’ve been able to do so already) for him. It won’t make him magically get sober and it won’t keep him from killing himself so do what it best for YOU. I know that is easier said then done but we’ve all been there and we can look at this a little more clearly. Your head is understandably so in a bit of a tailspin which makes it hard to think clearly. I really recommend that you get a counselor with addiction experience from yourself regardless of whether you decide to stay or go. Even if you go, you need to get help otherwise you will just fall into the same trap with another alcoholic more than likely because we are rather rescuers. At this point he probably won’t even know whether you there or not so take time for yourself and don’t feel guilty. My guess is that with the corona virus they'd want to really limit visitors anyway. He’s done this to himself. All of us experience various degrees of stress and we don’t all turn to drinking. It is just an excuse to drink that’s all. I did the same thing with my ex....he drinks because of his stressful job and his divorce. Again, no excuse to drink. There are better ways to deal with that except for alcoholics have never learned healthy coping skills and that is why they turn to booze. I don’t care how much you are a nag or work too much or don’t pay him attention, that is not a reason to drink. I think once you understand that you will feel quit feeling guilty. I admit that I needed a lot of therapy to get out of that codependent hole so I really understand where you are coming from. I hope you can learn from everyone’s experiences here because we are all in the same boat, no one here is different, e more or less all have the same story.
Good luck and take care of yourself!
His family sounds like a gem, but maybe they’ve decided they’re done with him and just don’t want to deal with him, or they themselves are dysfunctional alcoholics who just can’t be bothered. You are bending over backwards to try and please everyone and feeling guilty when the hospital is telling you not to come. That is some signifiant codependency there. Not judging, I’ve been there myself and it took me a long time to get out of that trap with lots of counseling.
If he survives this episode let’s hope that it will be enough of a wake up call for him to seek help input I wouldn’t necessarily count on it. There is nothing you’ can to make him quit. NOTHING. And you have nothing to feel guilty about. He is doing this to himself. He has a choice to get clean or to keep drinking and you have zero control over what he choses., no matter how much you beg or plead with him. It sounds like you are at a point where this has become unmanageable for you. No matter how sick he is it is time to start thinking about your own health because this chaos is very unhealthy for you mentally and physically. Quit worrying about his family and don’t bother contacting them. You don’t owe them anything and they clearly don’t care.
Honestly you are better off cutting ties with him. You won’t be able to stop him from killing himself so sticking around won’t do anything (if your love could fix him you would’ve been able to do so already) for him. It won’t make him magically get sober and it won’t keep him from killing himself so do what it best for YOU. I know that is easier said then done but we’ve all been there and we can look at this a little more clearly. Your head is understandably so in a bit of a tailspin which makes it hard to think clearly. I really recommend that you get a counselor with addiction experience from yourself regardless of whether you decide to stay or go. Even if you go, you need to get help otherwise you will just fall into the same trap with another alcoholic more than likely because we are rather rescuers. At this point he probably won’t even know whether you there or not so take time for yourself and don’t feel guilty. My guess is that with the corona virus they'd want to really limit visitors anyway. He’s done this to himself. All of us experience various degrees of stress and we don’t all turn to drinking. It is just an excuse to drink that’s all. I did the same thing with my ex....he drinks because of his stressful job and his divorce. Again, no excuse to drink. There are better ways to deal with that except for alcoholics have never learned healthy coping skills and that is why they turn to booze. I don’t care how much you are a nag or work too much or don’t pay him attention, that is not a reason to drink. I think once you understand that you will feel quit feeling guilty. I admit that I needed a lot of therapy to get out of that codependent hole so I really understand where you are coming from. I hope you can learn from everyone’s experiences here because we are all in the same boat, no one here is different, e more or less all have the same story.
Good luck and take care of yourself!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I am so sorry for what you're going through. I think everyone here can 'get it,' though, as we've all loved someone and have seen him or her self destruct.
I would narrow the email list to two: one family member, who is told it is now his/her task to keep the family updated, and the ex, (because there's a child, right?)
I would also take the dog to a shelter, and explain the owner was going to be in the hospital for the foreseeable future, and no one in the family wants the dog. That's one more thing you won't have to cope with.
Feeling impotent to fix things is the worst.
I would narrow the email list to two: one family member, who is told it is now his/her task to keep the family updated, and the ex, (because there's a child, right?)
I would also take the dog to a shelter, and explain the owner was going to be in the hospital for the foreseeable future, and no one in the family wants the dog. That's one more thing you won't have to cope with.
Feeling impotent to fix things is the worst.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
UnRC- I will share my story, in brief. I have not read many of the above responses, but maybe this may be of some comfort to you.
I was the alcoholic that my (now) ex had to endure- with trips to hospitals, ambulances called. She moved out of the family home, leaving me to myself as I could- or would not move. The final time- I burned myself to death (quite literally). She refused to be my next of kin and passed that ungrateful job to my bro. She had to think of her health. The constant torture of seeing me fall, stagger, break bones....she did not have a peaceful home life and it was affecting her very badly. Of course I am saddened by the outcome (around 4y sober now, I leave her be, and my 2 adult sons)- live elsewhere and am rebuilding my life. But the point is- her life was on hold, she did not really have a life. I do not blame her, although I am hurt, she needs to focus on her- not me or anyone else.
You are not a bad person, you need to look after you- perhaps with counselling?
My prayers and support to you, my prayers for your ex.
I was the alcoholic that my (now) ex had to endure- with trips to hospitals, ambulances called. She moved out of the family home, leaving me to myself as I could- or would not move. The final time- I burned myself to death (quite literally). She refused to be my next of kin and passed that ungrateful job to my bro. She had to think of her health. The constant torture of seeing me fall, stagger, break bones....she did not have a peaceful home life and it was affecting her very badly. Of course I am saddened by the outcome (around 4y sober now, I leave her be, and my 2 adult sons)- live elsewhere and am rebuilding my life. But the point is- her life was on hold, she did not really have a life. I do not blame her, although I am hurt, she needs to focus on her- not me or anyone else.
You are not a bad person, you need to look after you- perhaps with counselling?
My prayers and support to you, my prayers for your ex.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If you don't really understand what they are saying, I encourage you to keep asking for clarification if that is what you wish. Sometimes they don't know what is going to happen next either, and that is hard to accept.
Sending you a hug.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
I hope you are doing ok. You are physically sick, so make it a priority to take care of yourself. Do you have any family or friends to reach out to? I think you need some care and attention/you will run yourself ragged. Much peace and love. Al anon would be helpful i bet.
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