I will not take responsibility for SO's alcoholism!
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Join Date: Mar 2020
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I will not take responsibility for SO's alcoholism!
This is something that went on for two years, until a very serious falling accident occurred that almost claimed her life. Few times we got into an argument when I resisted buying her the alcohol, or refused to hide the evidence from the relatives, and I was afraid she'd leave me if I refused to do the shopping.
And I can say I'm really sad and disgusted by people. Once the relatives found out, they started immediately pressing me to leave. All her scum relatives treated me as a bad guy and they blamed me for what happened. They say: "She's had so tough." Never was there such compassion for me! None ever told me "we know how tough you must have had", or "she's lucky to have a man who doesn't drink"! Instead they all seemed to think "You brought her drink, you tried to kill her!" And her drinking must've been my fault! (It's convenient to always have some bad guy!) For five years I myself had not drank three glasses, so judge me!
It's so depressing. After such an experience, I had no will to live left. Whatever, stab me, tear me up, I refuse to take any responsibility in what happened, understood?
And I can say I'm really sad and disgusted by people. Once the relatives found out, they started immediately pressing me to leave. All her scum relatives treated me as a bad guy and they blamed me for what happened. They say: "She's had so tough." Never was there such compassion for me! None ever told me "we know how tough you must have had", or "she's lucky to have a man who doesn't drink"! Instead they all seemed to think "You brought her drink, you tried to kill her!" And her drinking must've been my fault! (It's convenient to always have some bad guy!) For five years I myself had not drank three glasses, so judge me!
It's so depressing. After such an experience, I had no will to live left. Whatever, stab me, tear me up, I refuse to take any responsibility in what happened, understood?
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When you are involved with someone that abuses substances, every part of that relationship becomes convoluted, the relationship with relatives and everything else.
There is no use in trying to make sense of it. Life goes on. Let's hope she stops drinking.
There is no use in trying to make sense of it. Life goes on. Let's hope she stops drinking.
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Originally Posted by HeadEast 
When you are involved with someone that abuses substances, every part of that relationship becomes convoluted, the relationship with relatives and everything else.
There is no use in trying to make sense of it. Life goes on. Let's hope she stops drinking.
There is no use in trying to make sense of it. Life goes on. Let's hope she stops drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
I assume you are now out of that particular relationship?
It's always painful when a relationship ends but I hope over the next few days you start to feel a little better and realize you have a lot to live for.
Things will not always feel this dark. It will take time to recover from all this, that's a fact. Take care of yourself, eat well, sleep when you can, be around people who care about you. Have you ever been to an AlAnon Meeting?
There is a book that is very often recommended here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent - the book is full of good information on relationships and boundaries and looking out for yourself. You might find it really helpful.
It's always painful when a relationship ends but I hope over the next few days you start to feel a little better and realize you have a lot to live for.
Things will not always feel this dark. It will take time to recover from all this, that's a fact. Take care of yourself, eat well, sleep when you can, be around people who care about you. Have you ever been to an AlAnon Meeting?
There is a book that is very often recommended here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent - the book is full of good information on relationships and boundaries and looking out for yourself. You might find it really helpful.
luring sobriety this way with my lucky charm
Join Date: Mar 2020
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Originally Posted by Links
Only, for some it made sense to say I'm the one who's enabling her... since she could not and cannot obtain alcohol on her own!
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Originally Posted by BeckoningCat
Then don't buy her alcohol. I nearly punched my sister's ex because he funded her coke habit. It's not your fault that your SO is an alcoholic, but you ARE enabling her.
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Originally Posted by BeckoningCat
Then don't buy her alcohol. I nearly punched my sister's ex because he funded her coke habit. It's not your fault that your SO is an alcoholic, but you ARE enabling her.
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Links, you didn't cause your wife's alcoholism. That much is clear.
Buying drugs for an addict IS enabling them. For sure, it's easier than facing her wrath when you don't. No one said doing the right thing was easy.
Buying drugs for an addict IS enabling them. For sure, it's easier than facing her wrath when you don't. No one said doing the right thing was easy.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
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Hi I’ve been there not with his family as they are more that aware of the person he is.
but I’ve been out at the shops with him having a go about getting him some alcohol was I doing the right thing no did I just want him to stop shouting at me yes.
im so lucky that I still have a good relationship with my ex family not as in we talk every day or go out but they are more than aware of his temper outbursts and his drinking they even told me to run and stay away.
i think oh you case blood is thicker and maybe they know she’s a drinker but instead of blaming them selfs they take there emotions out oh you just a thought
but I’ve been out at the shops with him having a go about getting him some alcohol was I doing the right thing no did I just want him to stop shouting at me yes.
im so lucky that I still have a good relationship with my ex family not as in we talk every day or go out but they are more than aware of his temper outbursts and his drinking they even told me to run and stay away.
i think oh you case blood is thicker and maybe they know she’s a drinker but instead of blaming them selfs they take there emotions out oh you just a thought
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I think that enabling can have grey areas.
If you are living with someone who is an alcoholic and they are unable, for whatever reason, to get alcohol and you buy it for them, is that enabling?
In the truest form of the word, yes, you are enabling them to do something they would not be able to do if it were not for your help.
Mostly, around here, enabling is described as doing something for the alcoholic that they could otherwise do themselves.
It's not black and white and Links, you haven't provided enough information for anyone to know what you have been through or what was involved (and of course don't have to), not that you would be judged on that anyway, but other people do have a different point of view sometimes.
If you are living with someone who is an alcoholic and they are unable, for whatever reason, to get alcohol and you buy it for them, is that enabling?
In the truest form of the word, yes, you are enabling them to do something they would not be able to do if it were not for your help.
Mostly, around here, enabling is described as doing something for the alcoholic that they could otherwise do themselves.
It's not black and white and Links, you haven't provided enough information for anyone to know what you have been through or what was involved (and of course don't have to), not that you would be judged on that anyway, but other people do have a different point of view sometimes.
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Links it does sound like you have been through the wringer and then some. Having to deal with your alcoholic's family makes the situation 10x worse. Her alcoholism is absolutely NOT your fault. The saying here is: You didn't cause it; you can't control it; you can't cure it.
Most people who have not been in the situation of loving an alcoholic don't understand this. It is why so much blame is thrown around.
Wanting to punch an enabler or even the alcoholic/addict is pretty normal for someone who hasn't gotten far in recovery; unfortunately most of us come here angry and miserable and wanting to act inappropriately whether it is enabling or punching someone. I remember thinking, "I completely understand why someone drives a bulldozer through their Ex's house."
Please, please take care of yourself. Detach as much as possible from this situation and let us know how you get on. What you are going through is beyond difficult.
Most people who have not been in the situation of loving an alcoholic don't understand this. It is why so much blame is thrown around.
Originally Posted by Links
To me it's incomprehensible lack of empathy wanting to punch the guy who funded his sister's coke habit. After all, it's likely that perhaps he has been punched enough.
Please, please take care of yourself. Detach as much as possible from this situation and let us know how you get on. What you are going through is beyond difficult.
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