Why am I the bad guy in this story?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Why am I the bad guy in this story?
Oh, I am sure some of you old timers have heard this one before. The quiet and reserved wife that kicks her husband out for being a belligerent ass and then becomes the victim of a second round of disbelief/lying/gaslighting/hate.
Of course his parents are crazy about this. They are doing the "I told you so" to him and reminding him what an awful, horrible person I am but it is my friends and family...MY people that are doing the worst.
*"Well, you have been bitchy lately maybe you should try harder."
*Marriage is a compact with God to love through all hardships."
I could go on but there is no reason for it. So, I am feeling very isolated. It is lonely out here doing the "right thing"
Why does doing the right thing feel so awful?
Of course his parents are crazy about this. They are doing the "I told you so" to him and reminding him what an awful, horrible person I am but it is my friends and family...MY people that are doing the worst.
*"Well, you have been bitchy lately maybe you should try harder."
*Marriage is a compact with God to love through all hardships."
I could go on but there is no reason for it. So, I am feeling very isolated. It is lonely out here doing the "right thing"
Why does doing the right thing feel so awful?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
so sorry that this is happening. Here’s a thought from someone who may be like you: maybe you’ve been surrounded by narcissistic gaslighters who taught you to be a blame sponge (and so you were more vulnerable to your ex’s BS). Are there people around you who ARE supportive?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
It feels awful because you are listening to people that:
A. Have no idea what you have been through and
B. Are not of the same mindset as you
Whether they are family or "friends" (and I use that term loosely) anyone who would say those things to you does not have your best interests at heart and secondly they do not respect your decisions.
Who are they to judge your decisions? I do believe those types of people are called busybodies!
Certainly they are entitled to their opinion, heck most people will express that at no charge! Doesn't mean it actually has anything to do with you. If it is said more than once, that just means they want YOU to change to suit them - I think you have done quite enough of that?
So, yes, it can be lonely, but people who would be cruel to you (which is what they are doing) are not people you are going to want to be spending a lot of time with, true? I can't remember if you are attending Al-Anon or are able to make even online meetings, but that would surely help, having people know what you are going through.
And you have us!
A. Have no idea what you have been through and
B. Are not of the same mindset as you
Whether they are family or "friends" (and I use that term loosely) anyone who would say those things to you does not have your best interests at heart and secondly they do not respect your decisions.
Who are they to judge your decisions? I do believe those types of people are called busybodies!
Certainly they are entitled to their opinion, heck most people will express that at no charge! Doesn't mean it actually has anything to do with you. If it is said more than once, that just means they want YOU to change to suit them - I think you have done quite enough of that?
So, yes, it can be lonely, but people who would be cruel to you (which is what they are doing) are not people you are going to want to be spending a lot of time with, true? I can't remember if you are attending Al-Anon or are able to make even online meetings, but that would surely help, having people know what you are going through.
And you have us!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yup. You really find out who your people are....and are not...when yo go through something like this. They have no idea. They are literally ignorant and just don't want the apple cart upset.
Boundaries. And find new people. Seriously. One thing I learned, family does not have to be blood.
Big hugs.
Boundaries. And find new people. Seriously. One thing I learned, family does not have to be blood.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by oddsunflower 
Oh, I am sure some of you old timers have heard this one before. The quiet and reserved wife that kicks her husband out for being a belligerent ass and then becomes the victim of a second round of disbelief/lying/gaslighting/hate.
Of course his parents are crazy about this. They are doing the "I told you so" to him and reminding him what an awful, horrible person I am but it is my friends and family...MY people that are doing the worst.
*"Well, you have been bitchy lately maybe you should try harder."
*Marriage is a compact with God to love through all hardships."
I could go on but there is no reason for it. So, I am feeling very isolated. It is lonely out here doing the "right thing"
Why does doing the right thing feel so awful?
Of course his parents are crazy about this. They are doing the "I told you so" to him and reminding him what an awful, horrible person I am but it is my friends and family...MY people that are doing the worst.
*"Well, you have been bitchy lately maybe you should try harder."
*Marriage is a compact with God to love through all hardships."
I could go on but there is no reason for it. So, I am feeling very isolated. It is lonely out here doing the "right thing"
Why does doing the right thing feel so awful?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
my life story right now!! I left after years to being blamed for drinking. And now it’s really bad blame game. His whole family keeps saying he’s trying to make it work you have to try to. It takes 2 people putting 100% in a marriage. He can’t be the only one. I’ve heard it all. The same family that sat me down in February and cried and begged me to get away from him because he was hurting me and the kids so bad. And his mom even said she would pay for me a lawyer. Called my mom and told my mom how bad his drinking and verbal abuse had gotten. And when I finally decide to leave they turn on me. I don’t understand.
praying for you. I know it’s hard. I just left last week. I have struggled so bad the past week. Hang in there. They keep saying it gets better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by kc05
[left]And when I finally decide to leave they turn on me. I don’t understand.
- You have no idea what kc05 is really like
- I wouldn't need to drink like this but it's an escape for me from how much this hurts me.
- Yes, I'm ashamed to say we do argue and fight, but she provokes me, she says things on purpose to upset me, I just can't cope with that. I try and I try and
That's how.
Oh and once you leave, guess who he will be leaning on, visiting, calling?
My Grandmother lived with us for a few years, several in fact, when we were teens I think it was. My Father's Mom. Just to clarify, I really liked her a lot. Anyway I said something to her one day about something she was doing that was driving everyone crazy. She called one of her 4 other children (a Daughter) and while I was out they came and got her and dumped everything out of my chest of drawers, unceremoniously, on to my bed (I was using her dresser, she was using mine). Fine. I spoke to my Aunt, we exchanged some words.
My Grandma was back about 4 days later? Maybe a week? They couldn't live with her and she hated it there.
So it's all good for people to get up on their high horses, unless they back that up with support and action, it's just words.
btw, 20 years later my Aunt was still holding a grudge about that phone conversation I had with her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by trailmix
How about a Son telling his Mom:
- You have no idea what kc05 is really like
- I wouldn't need to drink like this but it's an escape for me from how much this hurts me.
- Yes, I'm ashamed to say we do argue and fight, but she provokes me, she says things on purpose to upset me, I just can't cope with that. I try and I try and
- You have no idea what kc05 is really like
- I wouldn't need to drink like this but it's an escape for me from how much this hurts me.
- Yes, I'm ashamed to say we do argue and fight, but she provokes me, she says things on purpose to upset me, I just can't cope with that. I try and I try and
these boys are crazy. I just can’t believe they let alcohol take over and turn them into such jerks
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by oddsunflower
I am feeling very isolated. It is lonely out here doing the "right thing." Why does doing the right thing feel so awful?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FallenAngelina…….I wish that your post could be framed (poster size), and hung in the home of every person who feels stuck in a toxic relationship with an alcoholic or addict....
LOL...I have done thousands of posts on this forum...mostly trying to message some of the things that you have said---but, yours is so much more articulate and concise!! And, so true, in my opinion.
First of all...Education on alcoholism and co-dependency. I am always saying that "knowledge is power".....
And, secondly.....getting outside support. Over my years, here...and, in my personal life and work, I have noticed what a sticky wicket that this one...seeking and accepting outside support....is. I have observed that those who are willing to seek and accept outside support seem to make the most positive changes in their lives.
Actually....I wish that the moderators would make your post a part of the "Stickies".....
Does anyone else agree with me?
LOL...I have done thousands of posts on this forum...mostly trying to message some of the things that you have said---but, yours is so much more articulate and concise!! And, so true, in my opinion.
First of all...Education on alcoholism and co-dependency. I am always saying that "knowledge is power".....
And, secondly.....getting outside support. Over my years, here...and, in my personal life and work, I have noticed what a sticky wicket that this one...seeking and accepting outside support....is. I have observed that those who are willing to seek and accept outside support seem to make the most positive changes in their lives.
Actually....I wish that the moderators would make your post a part of the "Stickies".....
Does anyone else agree with me?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
I agree!
I see the same thing as dandylion, those that reach out for help, whether that's therapy (alone!), Al Anon or some other support group, really, generally, find value in it and are much more at peace with their decisions.
Knowledge is power, I agree and it's also a way to be more at peace with your decisions and your life choices.
I see the same thing as dandylion, those that reach out for help, whether that's therapy (alone!), Al Anon or some other support group, really, generally, find value in it and are much more at peace with their decisions.
Knowledge is power, I agree and it's also a way to be more at peace with your decisions and your life choices.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Originally Posted by hopeful4
One thing I learned, family does not have to be blood.
Big hugs.
Big hugs.
Gentle hugs to go along with the big hugs. Any other kind of hugs, too? We are here with you. We get it. We understand. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Originally Posted by dandylion
FallenAngelina…….I wish that your post could be framed (poster size), and hung in the home of every person who feels stuck in a toxic relationship with an alcoholic or addict....
LOL...I have done thousands of posts on this forum...mostly trying to message some of the things that you have said---but, yours is so much more articulate and concise!! And, so true, in my opinion.
First of all...Education on alcoholism and co-dependency. I am always saying that "knowledge is power".....
And, secondly.....getting outside support. Over my years, here...and, in my personal life and work, I have noticed what a sticky wicket that this one...seeking and accepting outside support....is. I have observed that those who are willing to seek and accept outside support seem to make the most positive changes in their lives.
Actually....I wish that the moderators would make your post a part of the "Stickies".....
Does anyone else agree with me?
LOL...I have done thousands of posts on this forum...mostly trying to message some of the things that you have said---but, yours is so much more articulate and concise!! And, so true, in my opinion.
First of all...Education on alcoholism and co-dependency. I am always saying that "knowledge is power".....
And, secondly.....getting outside support. Over my years, here...and, in my personal life and work, I have noticed what a sticky wicket that this one...seeking and accepting outside support....is. I have observed that those who are willing to seek and accept outside support seem to make the most positive changes in their lives.
Actually....I wish that the moderators would make your post a part of the "Stickies".....
Does anyone else agree with me?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Oddsunflower-
When I finally extricated myself from my relationship with my loved one that got me here....it was not additionally a time of isolation in the world.
I felt so lonely because I started to let the reality of how lonely I felt to have been in that relationship . How lonely I felt because I was trying so hard to check off my "good girl," and married "good wife," checklists that were not working for myself, for him or for our relationship.
Though I have been alone often since I got out, I have never been so lonely as right at the end of the relationship/beginning of getting out.
I agree with the posts above, recovery has been painful, challenging and hard, but very worth it. When I can more consistently meet my needs, what others are doing, how they are doing it and others in general don't feel as personal, disconnecting or frankly about me.
That deep loneliness while excruciating is part of what helped launch my recovery, but I had to feel it to learn from it.
When I finally extricated myself from my relationship with my loved one that got me here....it was not additionally a time of isolation in the world.
I felt so lonely because I started to let the reality of how lonely I felt to have been in that relationship . How lonely I felt because I was trying so hard to check off my "good girl," and married "good wife," checklists that were not working for myself, for him or for our relationship.
Though I have been alone often since I got out, I have never been so lonely as right at the end of the relationship/beginning of getting out.
I agree with the posts above, recovery has been painful, challenging and hard, but very worth it. When I can more consistently meet my needs, what others are doing, how they are doing it and others in general don't feel as personal, disconnecting or frankly about me.
That deep loneliness while excruciating is part of what helped launch my recovery, but I had to feel it to learn from it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Here is how this will go:
You will be the bad guy and get the blame (you are here)
You remove yourself from the situation and alcoholic still does same **** making it more and more apparent to YOU that it actually isn’t you, it is him
However despite that, him and the delusional people around him may still blame you because (insert reason.... he is depressed because of break up, you have the kids, you have the dog, you “made out” better financially, whatever)
Now THEY have to deal with him because you are not. And they get a good damn taste of reality. You may actually see some of these people reach out to you during this time. They stagger back and forth between blame and now understanding more, but deep down you know they get it some.
Meanwhile you still see him doing more and more of the same **** despite everything being gone that he used to complain about (you are no longer there to “bitch” at him, he has lost the job he used to complain about, he lives in an apartment and doesn’t have any of the chores he used to use as an excuse for unhappiness, etc.
So, eventually, they might not still fully get it, but they will some. But the important thing is, you will become more confident as time goes and that is what matters. Don’t let people that don’t know the reality judge your reality! Hang in there!
You will be the bad guy and get the blame (you are here)
You remove yourself from the situation and alcoholic still does same **** making it more and more apparent to YOU that it actually isn’t you, it is him
However despite that, him and the delusional people around him may still blame you because (insert reason.... he is depressed because of break up, you have the kids, you have the dog, you “made out” better financially, whatever)
Now THEY have to deal with him because you are not. And they get a good damn taste of reality. You may actually see some of these people reach out to you during this time. They stagger back and forth between blame and now understanding more, but deep down you know they get it some.
Meanwhile you still see him doing more and more of the same **** despite everything being gone that he used to complain about (you are no longer there to “bitch” at him, he has lost the job he used to complain about, he lives in an apartment and doesn’t have any of the chores he used to use as an excuse for unhappiness, etc.
So, eventually, they might not still fully get it, but they will some. But the important thing is, you will become more confident as time goes and that is what matters. Don’t let people that don’t know the reality judge your reality! Hang in there!
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