Dry drunk blame shifting: a vent
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Dry drunk blame shifting: a vent
In two recent incidents, our kids have been struggling with physical and mental illness. Neither is “our fault”
nor did I think or suggest it was. In both cases, temporarily dry (Lent) AH suggested that I caused the problems. Most recently when our college kid had suicidal thoughts due to bad grades and negative self comparison, he suggested that me recently suggesting divorce contributed to kid’s stress and therefore to their suicidality.
Things to note:
1) Kid has struggled for a long time, divorce threat was in recent weeks
2) Kid says they want us to divorce because of AH’s long term behavior
What kind of self-centered, sadistic mind hears that their kid is suicidal and then goes to “how can I use this to my advantage and imply Pizza is to blame?” I assume this is the classic narcissistic blame-shifting; AH feels shame for his contribution to the family problems and cannot tolerate that (even though I neither said nor implied he was to blame for the current situation). Combined with AH’s desire to “win” in the eyes of the couples counselor by demonstrating how “guilty” I am.
What do you wise folks think? Really at wit’s end here
nor did I think or suggest it was. In both cases, temporarily dry (Lent) AH suggested that I caused the problems. Most recently when our college kid had suicidal thoughts due to bad grades and negative self comparison, he suggested that me recently suggesting divorce contributed to kid’s stress and therefore to their suicidality.
Things to note:
1) Kid has struggled for a long time, divorce threat was in recent weeks
2) Kid says they want us to divorce because of AH’s long term behavior
What kind of self-centered, sadistic mind hears that their kid is suicidal and then goes to “how can I use this to my advantage and imply Pizza is to blame?” I assume this is the classic narcissistic blame-shifting; AH feels shame for his contribution to the family problems and cannot tolerate that (even though I neither said nor implied he was to blame for the current situation). Combined with AH’s desire to “win” in the eyes of the couples counselor by demonstrating how “guilty” I am.
What do you wise folks think? Really at wit’s end here
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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I think your assessment is probably spot on.
That being said, I also think that whatever is going on with your AH is far less important than whether or not you are accepting that this is who he is right now, and making your decisions about your future accordingly.
That being said, I also think that whatever is going on with your AH is far less important than whether or not you are accepting that this is who he is right now, and making your decisions about your future accordingly.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
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I can read the hurt and fear in your words. Your child is in danger, and you no longer have a parental team. Some thoughts for you... Do you have other supports for yourself? Does your child have other supports? Is there a plan to organize help for your child, bypassing the ugliness of his parents' relationship for now? Once everyone is safe you can re-evaluate what's best for your family, and for you. Thank you for sharing, and remember that you are strong and capable.
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Location: W Washington
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i'd be a lot more worried about my children's health and well being than anything some self absorbed blow hard has to say. i'd also bag couple's counseling and focus on self and child counseling. put your energy where it can be of most good.
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pizza...blame shifting is almost universal among practicing alcoholics. It is part of the "alcoholic thinking". It is also done by anyone who is of low self esteem....addicted or not. It is called "leveling" in these cases.
A person of low self esteem will do one of two things---either criticize others to bring them down to his/her level...or....aggrandize themselves in order to raise themselves up to the level of others....
I do agree with Anvilhead that couples therapy with an alcoholic or addict or abuser can be not only useless (because it doesn't work)...or, even WORSE for the non-alcoholic partner...because the addict can often manipulate the counselor......and, blame gets heaped upon the non-alcoholic partner...or the victim of the abuse.....
A person of low self esteem will do one of two things---either criticize others to bring them down to his/her level...or....aggrandize themselves in order to raise themselves up to the level of others....
I do agree with Anvilhead that couples therapy with an alcoholic or addict or abuser can be not only useless (because it doesn't work)...or, even WORSE for the non-alcoholic partner...because the addict can often manipulate the counselor......and, blame gets heaped upon the non-alcoholic partner...or the victim of the abuse.....
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Yes it is blame shifting.
I only have 1 suggestion. Please go back and read all of your threads. You are torturing yourself here pizza, why is that?
I only have 1 suggestion. Please go back and read all of your threads. You are torturing yourself here pizza, why is that?
what do you mean, because he’s an *******?
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Originally Posted by pizza67
what do you mean, because he’s an *******?
He may torture you because he's an ******, for sure, but you don't have to stay and listen?
Isn't it time to look our for yourself and your children? What he says is of no value to you.
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To all who replied, thank you. Plz know that of course upon hearing about kid I immediately responded to kid, talked to kid’s therapist, arranged a meeting including me therapist and kid, confirmed kid’s own therapy appt, and secured kid’s word that they aren’t going to do anything. Going to pick kid up this weekend too. I always prioritize kids, I just did that first and then posted all of this to get feedback.
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First off, I am sorry your are going through this. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Secondly, consider the source. You said it in the title of your thread. A dry drunk is blaming you. There you have it. Classic behavior. Put zero stock in what comes out of his mouth.
We are here, and we support you!!!
Secondly, consider the source. You said it in the title of your thread. A dry drunk is blaming you. There you have it. Classic behavior. Put zero stock in what comes out of his mouth.
We are here, and we support you!!!
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
First off, I am sorry your are going through this. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Secondly, consider the source. You said it in the title of your thread. A dry drunk is blaming you. There you have it. Classic behavior. Put zero stock in what comes out of his mouth.
We are here, and we support you!!!
Secondly, consider the source. You said it in the title of your thread. A dry drunk is blaming you. There you have it. Classic behavior. Put zero stock in what comes out of his mouth.
We are here, and we support you!!!
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Ugh plz help
So of course he never does anything to walk back his horrible statements about me allegedly contributing to our kid’s depression (spoiler alert: I didn’t). And then today he tries to make me act like a performing seal by text-prompting me to “invite” him to come home before the kids get home rather than stay extra at work. I recognize how disgustingly controlling that is. I recognize it reflects his narcissism and pathology. So WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD RESPOND ACCORDINGLY? Why do I take the bait of the textfighting that results when I don’t? What on Earth is wrong with me? (Note: I told him I had been as nice as I could in the absence of any efforts on his part to fix things. I didn’t “invite” him. )
PS I think he’s gearing up for St Patrick’s Day by saying he’s made So mAnY ChAnGEs and I didn’t “improve” my behavior towards him, so why should he try.
PS I think he’s gearing up for St Patrick’s Day by saying he’s made So mAnY ChAnGEs and I didn’t “improve” my behavior towards him, so why should he try.
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Pizza, when you took action following your son's 'breakdown', did AH fully participate, set up appointments, pick up kid etc. Or did he sit back and offer commentary on where you went wrong?
It makes me so mad on your behalf, and I know it's hard to ignore, but it's also pathetic and whiny. When you want to respond to him or justify yourself, please remember who it's coming from and how classic this blame shifting is. Imagine where your kids would be if you behaved the same as him?
I'm probably not helping your attitude, but I hate to see you taking on anything he says, given his own inability to change.
It makes me so mad on your behalf, and I know it's hard to ignore, but it's also pathetic and whiny. When you want to respond to him or justify yourself, please remember who it's coming from and how classic this blame shifting is. Imagine where your kids would be if you behaved the same as him?
I'm probably not helping your attitude, but I hate to see you taking on anything he says, given his own inability to change.
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You take the bait because it's what you have known for so long. You have to change, and change is not something that comes easily.
You cannot change someone else's actions, but you do have the power to change your own reactions.
For myself, I started small. And every time I was successful, it gave me the confidence to make the next bigger change. And so on.
You can do this. Stay strong.
You cannot change someone else's actions, but you do have the power to change your own reactions.
For myself, I started small. And every time I was successful, it gave me the confidence to make the next bigger change. And so on.
You can do this. Stay strong.
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