Hard time tonight
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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Hard time tonight
Tonight is rough. I have been so strong and felt so good about my decision until tonight. And I’m just down tonight. I talked to him today. Haven’t spoke to him since I left. And tonight was the night. He’s still in denial. Says he wants to talk about custody of kids. And work out an arrangement. And doesn’t want me to keep the kids from him. Which I wouldn’t do that. And of course throws some blame at me. I did this to our family. I didn’t argue. I don’t have to anymore. Today was such a good day. The kids have been getting their rooms together. And everyone has been happy. And then the minute I talk to him. It’s like the wind was knocked out of me. I don’t wanna go back. I just can’t even explain my feelings. Does anyone understand?? And talking about custody. Goodness that’s hard. I know he will have to see them. But I’m selfish and don’t wanna share. I’ve never been away from them. But neither has he. What do I do?? How can I get past these feelings?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Kc, oh my gosh this stuff is brutal. It was horrific for me and I didn't have kids with my qualifier.
I can't offer much beyond just keep getting through the minutes and the days. Sometimes it will hurt beyond hurt even when you know you are doing the right thing.
I can't offer much beyond just keep getting through the minutes and the days. Sometimes it will hurt beyond hurt even when you know you are doing the right thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kc.....now is the time to be reading your list of all the worst reasons that this move has been necessary.....Read the list over and over...as many times as necessary.....
And, hang on to your justifiable anger...because anger can be a good motivator (who knew?)….
It is common to fall into self doubt after moving out.....especially, before one has their support people arranged.....The more you talk to your support people...the less self doubt one tends to have.....
Hang on...and keep looking ahead to the future.....it will get easier, as time goes on.....Going back will just be ongoing pain that gets worse and worse.....and, worse,,,
This is the short-term pain for the long term GAIN...…
Keep thinking of the good of the Children......
And, hang on to your justifiable anger...because anger can be a good motivator (who knew?)….
It is common to fall into self doubt after moving out.....especially, before one has their support people arranged.....The more you talk to your support people...the less self doubt one tends to have.....
Hang on...and keep looking ahead to the future.....it will get easier, as time goes on.....Going back will just be ongoing pain that gets worse and worse.....and, worse,,,
This is the short-term pain for the long term GAIN...…
Keep thinking of the good of the Children......
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by kc05 
How can I get past these feelings?[/left]
You are having a great day then you talk to him, he doesn't want you to keep the kids from him (which you aren't going to anyway) and then has to lay some blame. Do you see the wrench in this scenario.
The fact is you don't want to go back and the other fact is, you don't have to talk to him. He can say any nasty thing he likes, but you don't have to listen. For me, I would handle it by hanging up. The minute someone said to me you broke up this family - click. You were not put on this earth to be his punching bag, that's the truth. What he is doing to you is wrong. So it would be a huge improvement for you if you stopped listening to it, it makes him feel better to spread the blame around, but again, it's not your job to make him feel better and let him blow off steam.
What if he said you can't keep the kids from me and blah blah blah and then slapped you across the face? Would that be ok? Of course not. This is no different except you don't have a bruise on the outside, it's still abuse.
In the meantime, shrug it off as much as you can, keep strong, one day at a time. That happiness you felt today will be back for sure and you don't have to listen to him anymore. I really suggest setting up an email only exchange (so you have his comments recorded) and only about the kids, for your peace of mind.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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For myself I have to keep things very matter of fact. If I get emotional then it's hard for me to not let that ruin my day and crash my emotions. I also don't let my kids see me get emotional about it as they will feed off of my emotions.
Stick to facts. Don't listen to any blame. Speak about issues with the kids only. For example, "yes, you can see kid at 5pm. I will drop off at that time and kid should be dropped off at X day/time back at my home. Have a nice weekend. Goodbye." Ignore all the rest. You literally have to train them by not engaging in any other conversation.
My XAH knows I absolutely will not engage with him, so he does not try anymore. It took a while, but it did happen. Praise sweet baby Jesus as I could not handle much more of his berating me.
Sending you lots of support!
Stick to facts. Don't listen to any blame. Speak about issues with the kids only. For example, "yes, you can see kid at 5pm. I will drop off at that time and kid should be dropped off at X day/time back at my home. Have a nice weekend. Goodbye." Ignore all the rest. You literally have to train them by not engaging in any other conversation.
My XAH knows I absolutely will not engage with him, so he does not try anymore. It took a while, but it did happen. Praise sweet baby Jesus as I could not handle much more of his berating me.
Sending you lots of support!
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
So this morning I get a call from the lawyers office I had made an appointment. Well the lady said that when I called she forgot to check to make sure there wasn’t any conflict. Well guess what. She checked and sure enough there was conflict. He hired the lawyer I was gonna hire. She apologized and said she had just forgotten since it was right at closing time when I called. Which is totally fine. I feel as if God just showed me I was doing the right thing.
but dang it cut me deep. I know I was doing the same thing by calling a lawyer. I know. But it just hurt so bad. I know that probably sounds really stupid. But it did. But I found another one that will see me tomorrow morning. Which I’m glad. I just need some peace of mind. him demanding that he will see the kids when he wants. And demanding that everything is his. And I am not gonna take his property. What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours he said.
but dang it cut me deep. I know I was doing the same thing by calling a lawyer. I know. But it just hurt so bad. I know that probably sounds really stupid. But it did. But I found another one that will see me tomorrow morning. Which I’m glad. I just need some peace of mind. him demanding that he will see the kids when he wants. And demanding that everything is his. And I am not gonna take his property. What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours he said.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
Isn't this fun? Many of us have been through it and it just sucks. Not only that, it will get worse before it gets better. But it does get better. Keep that in mind.
I suggest you make a list before you see your attorney tomorrow. That way you won't forget what you wanted to say. For heavens sake make sure you mention his alcohol abuse. Also, talk about his visitation rights and rules surrounding those visits. Talk about how you should deal with phone calls and such where he rambles on about property and other things.
Custody, property, and all of that will be determine by the courts. I'm assuming you are in the US as I say this. Maybe you said that already.
I suggest you make a list before you see your attorney tomorrow. That way you won't forget what you wanted to say. For heavens sake make sure you mention his alcohol abuse. Also, talk about his visitation rights and rules surrounding those visits. Talk about how you should deal with phone calls and such where he rambles on about property and other things.
Custody, property, and all of that will be determine by the courts. I'm assuming you are in the US as I say this. Maybe you said that already.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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kc...….I don't know your husband, of course....but, from my experience and watching lots of people getting divorced...it is not uncommon for the husbands to do a lot of the "bla, bla, bla"…..
My first husband, who I divorced, did the same thing. Most of it being puffery in order to intimidate.....Especially, the talk about time with the kids and the distribution of property.....
And...it comes to naught, most of the time. In this country, the law is bigger than the quacking husband.....and, your rights are just as enforced by the law as his is. There are lawyers and judges for a reason....
Your husband has an inflated idea of himself....but, the l aw and the court will take the excess air out of him.....
I think that he is trying to hurt you by "striking back". He is trying to hurt you because he doesn't have a clue about your welfare, or your feelings, or what you have suffered in this marriage.....he is so self absorbed (like alcholics are...they are controlled by the drink)...that he doesn't care....
There comes a time when you have just gotta do what you k now you have gotta do.....to save yourself and your children....
My first husband, who I divorced, did the same thing. Most of it being puffery in order to intimidate.....Especially, the talk about time with the kids and the distribution of property.....
And...it comes to naught, most of the time. In this country, the law is bigger than the quacking husband.....and, your rights are just as enforced by the law as his is. There are lawyers and judges for a reason....
Your husband has an inflated idea of himself....but, the l aw and the court will take the excess air out of him.....
I think that he is trying to hurt you by "striking back". He is trying to hurt you because he doesn't have a clue about your welfare, or your feelings, or what you have suffered in this marriage.....he is so self absorbed (like alcholics are...they are controlled by the drink)...that he doesn't care....
There comes a time when you have just gotta do what you k now you have gotta do.....to save yourself and your children....
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are you sure she meant conflict because your AH had also called OR conflict with anything else on the schedule. stick to the facts.
it should also help you view your AH with a slightly defogged lens. he was feeling out on the custody talk etc. time to STOP talking about such things randomly over the phone. do not give him any ammunition or information. i'm not saying he's the ENEMY, but it helps to see him as the enemy - so you are prepared and don't fall into the play nice trick. what you do RIGHT NOW matters very much going forward.
it should also help you view your AH with a slightly defogged lens. he was feeling out on the custody talk etc. time to STOP talking about such things randomly over the phone. do not give him any ammunition or information. i'm not saying he's the ENEMY, but it helps to see him as the enemy - so you are prepared and don't fall into the play nice trick. what you do RIGHT NOW matters very much going forward.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
are you sure she meant conflict because your AH had also called OR conflict with anything else on the schedule. stick to the facts.
it should also help you view your AH with a slightly defogged lens. he was feeling out on the custody talk etc. time to STOP talking about such things randomly over the phone. do not give him any ammunition or information. i'm not saying he's the ENEMY, but it helps to see him as the enemy - so you are prepared and don't fall into the play nice trick. what you do RIGHT NOW matters very much going forward.
it should also help you view your AH with a slightly defogged lens. he was feeling out on the custody talk etc. time to STOP talking about such things randomly over the phone. do not give him any ammunition or information. i'm not saying he's the ENEMY, but it helps to see him as the enemy - so you are prepared and don't fall into the play nice trick. what you do RIGHT NOW matters very much going forward.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
I can totally relate to where you are right now. I also called a lawyer to find AH had conflict! Shocked like you are - and he’d been (still is) saying all the same things to me that he will see his kids when he wants, he also has property he says is his. Was before we married but now the only asset we have and he’s paying zero maintenance. So the courts will be deciding this NOT him.
it’s hard isn’t it? I agree with the above posts - don’t try to figure out too far into the future just take each day at a time and focus on healing yourself and the kids. Celebrate small achievements and focus on making a new normal because now you get to forge a healthy happier way of life. I separated 12 months ago but just filed for divorce it took me that long to find the courage to see a lawyer - but I’m so glad I have - still a way to go but my kids are thriving. They still see him but little and often.
We are all so much happier living in a calm house, no drama no eggshells and best of all - no drunk dad.
it’s hard isn’t it? I agree with the above posts - don’t try to figure out too far into the future just take each day at a time and focus on healing yourself and the kids. Celebrate small achievements and focus on making a new normal because now you get to forge a healthy happier way of life. I separated 12 months ago but just filed for divorce it took me that long to find the courage to see a lawyer - but I’m so glad I have - still a way to go but my kids are thriving. They still see him but little and often.
We are all so much happier living in a calm house, no drama no eggshells and best of all - no drunk dad.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
My XAH was all over the board when I left. My fault, I am the reason our marriage ended , then he wished I was there...blah blah blah. I remained civil through the divorce because we had the house to contend with. I didn’t want it and he did so I had to use that as leverage. He didn’t want to refinance to give me my equity, he wanted to pull the equity out of his 401K and wanted to roll into my IRA which was his only way to avoid taxes. I advised him no and if doesn’t refinance will go to Judge and Judge will make us sell. He complied after the woe is me crap. For me, it was a lot of up and downs during the process that I had to go through but the peace and not living with an Alcoholic is like night and day
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There is some good information on the internet. The first half of this article isn't applicable anymore for you, but the second half is applicable and has some information about finances and such.
Good luck with your attorney tomorrow. FYI - yours is the second case I've heard of where a conflict existed. The first was a personal friend. Conflict means what happened to you. Conflict of schedule or scheduling conflict generally means an attorney has a conflict on the court docket, such as being required to be two places at once.
Keep in touch please and let us know how it went. Custody talks and such will be through your attorney as soon as you establish an attorney-client relationship tomorrow. Best wishes to you and you will get through this.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflan.../#5ee5db06148a
Good luck with your attorney tomorrow. FYI - yours is the second case I've heard of where a conflict existed. The first was a personal friend. Conflict means what happened to you. Conflict of schedule or scheduling conflict generally means an attorney has a conflict on the court docket, such as being required to be two places at once.
Keep in touch please and let us know how it went. Custody talks and such will be through your attorney as soon as you establish an attorney-client relationship tomorrow. Best wishes to you and you will get through this.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflan.../#5ee5db06148a
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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Thank you all!! I just thought last night was bad. Today was bad. After the attorney thing. And then I took the kids and we picked out new mattresses and bedding. And things to fix up their rooms. While I was in the store and looking at bedroom stuff I literally just about had a panic attack. I don’t know what happened. I felt like I couldn’t breath. I had to walk outside to the car and just sit down for a minute. I don’t know if it was just having to do it without him because we always did this kinda stuff together. Or the money part of it. I don’t know what happened. But it was bad. Luckily my mom was there and stayed with the kids. But wow! I felt bad to. Because the kids were so excited. And I just lost it
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The panic attack must have been frightening. You're just getting used to the idea of divorce and realising it's actually happening. You won't be in this state forever.
It might be worth talking to your doctor about it though, and getting some hints on how to react if it happens again.
If you want to eliminate some of the fear, prepare as much as you can for the process and be as proactive as possible. It will give you a sense of control, like you are participating rather than it's just being imposed on you.
It might be worth talking to your doctor about it though, and getting some hints on how to react if it happens again.
If you want to eliminate some of the fear, prepare as much as you can for the process and be as proactive as possible. It will give you a sense of control, like you are participating rather than it's just being imposed on you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I have went through some very bad panic attacks when going through my divorce. Calm, deep breathing. You did the right thing by stepping away for a moment. I agree, talk to your doctor if this continues.
It does pass, I promise.
Huge hugs!
It does pass, I promise.
Huge hugs!
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