It’s over!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
It’s over!
After all the fighting and craziness. I think the marriage is over. I haven’t posted in a while. I have been trying to just disconnect because I felt like hearing all the stories and seeing how they were so much alike and it wasn’t gonna be any better. I went into a huge denial. Like it will be different for me. In reality it’s all the same. Without help nothing will change. So as of this morning we both agreed we need to get away from each other. I have been completely checked out of the marriage for a while. He has been trying to make things stay together. Not really trying but you know acting like he wanted us to work. When he knows the problem but blames it on everything else. He tried to hug and be affectionate this morning and I pulled away. And it upset him really bad. I just don’t feel it. He was so trashed last night. And wakes up and wants affection. And I can’t. That doesn’t make things all better. Anyways. He got mad. I reacted of course. Because I can’t control that anymore. I know better. I just can’t control it. And he said we needed to stop or get away from each other and I said I think we need away from each other. And that’s what’s happening. After I pick kids up from school. We are going to go stay with my parents. I want this to happen. It’s just so hard. I’m just so sad. I know it’s the right thing. It’s just not easy to walk away.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's definitely not easy. For myself, I came here to find a way for me to fix my XAH. Then I left for a while b/c all of these people suggested I look at myself. Then I came back later after I realized my marriage was no special snowflake either, it's all the same. Addiction will take you down the spiral if you let it.
I am glad you are following what your gut is telling you and doing this for yourself. It's not easy, but it does get better with time.
Sending a huge hug.
I am glad you are following what your gut is telling you and doing this for yourself. It's not easy, but it does get better with time.
Sending a huge hug.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,615
No, very rarely is it easy. You also aren't the first person to want to deny what's going on, that's kind of normal. Who wants to admit that the partner they have has changed so drastically. You will try harder! You can fix this!, it reminds of of this excerpt from Addiction, Lies and Relationships:
"One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that at least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case.
The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:
Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;
My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;
Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases".
I don't think you are "addicted" to your Husband or the relationship, that's not what I am saying (just so you know).
Please keep us updated, stay strong.
"One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that at least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case.
The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:
Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;
My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;
Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases".
I don't think you are "addicted" to your Husband or the relationship, that's not what I am saying (just so you know).
Please keep us updated, stay strong.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kc.....I am here to remind you of how important outside support is and will be for you (besides your parents)…..like--a counselor, a support group like alanon, and sound legal advice.....
Never underestimate how important that kind of support is.....
I don't think that anyone here has ever said..."It is easy to walk away". Most of us know, first hand, how difficult these kinds of decisions can be.....
We also know that we have more strength than we k now,,,,when we make up our minds to do something.....
By the way...I don't think that hanging in for years trying to do the impossible and control what we can't control, is the same thing as "just walking away"...…!
I don't see you as "just walking away".....!
Never underestimate how important that kind of support is.....
I don't think that anyone here has ever said..."It is easy to walk away". Most of us know, first hand, how difficult these kinds of decisions can be.....
We also know that we have more strength than we k now,,,,when we make up our minds to do something.....
By the way...I don't think that hanging in for years trying to do the impossible and control what we can't control, is the same thing as "just walking away"...…!
I don't see you as "just walking away".....!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
I left. And am at my moms. I was gone 2 mins and he called and was questioning me about titles for things we had. Him and his momma were going through our safe. I lost it. Because I know they will try and plot against me. I knew it would happen but I didn’t think the minute I left. I know it don’t matter. It just hurts.
He said today let’s be nice and civil for the kids. But then turns around and says I’m not entitled to anything there other than my clothes and things around the house. Not the house not the land. I’m entitled to nothing. Umm pretty sure we are married. I may not get half but I am entitled to something.
gosh this is so hard. I’m trying to hold it together.
He said today let’s be nice and civil for the kids. But then turns around and says I’m not entitled to anything there other than my clothes and things around the house. Not the house not the land. I’m entitled to nothing. Umm pretty sure we are married. I may not get half but I am entitled to something.
gosh this is so hard. I’m trying to hold it together.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,615
I think it's probably best that you go no contact at this point perhaps?
He does not have your best interests at heart and do you need to speak to someone that doesn't?
I would recommend only communicating by email and only about the kids, make this clear to him, if he tries to add something else, ignore it, don't answer his ridiculous questions, he's just trying to get to you. Don't let him. If you continue to engage he has you right where he wants you.
For instance he certainly didn't think "oh kc05 won't mind me and my Mom going through the safe the minute she leaves so I'll give her a call" (or in fact he did think that and that indicates a bigger problem- for him).
The first time I was divorced my ex would call me because he was upset. I said I can't be your sounding board, you will have to speak to someone else about this.
I had my own stuff to deal with and so do you, I hope you will start looking out for yourself.
I don't know which state you are in but if it is a community property state then yes, you are entitled to half. You have probably looked at that divorce by state page that Dandylion posts sometimes?
He does not have your best interests at heart and do you need to speak to someone that doesn't?
I would recommend only communicating by email and only about the kids, make this clear to him, if he tries to add something else, ignore it, don't answer his ridiculous questions, he's just trying to get to you. Don't let him. If you continue to engage he has you right where he wants you.
For instance he certainly didn't think "oh kc05 won't mind me and my Mom going through the safe the minute she leaves so I'll give her a call" (or in fact he did think that and that indicates a bigger problem- for him).
The first time I was divorced my ex would call me because he was upset. I said I can't be your sounding board, you will have to speak to someone else about this.
I had my own stuff to deal with and so do you, I hope you will start looking out for yourself.
I don't know which state you are in but if it is a community property state then yes, you are entitled to half. You have probably looked at that divorce by state page that Dandylion posts sometimes?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Of course it wasn’t easy but it was the right thing to do. And yes definitely make sure you have outside support like a counselor who has experience with addiction. I would not have thought of myself as ever going to see a therapist but man did I ever need it and he really saved my sanity. I actually credit him with my divorce as weird as that sounds....if it hadn’t been for him I think I would’ve fallen right back into that codependent trap.
And of course you are entitled to a lot more than the clothes....unless there was a prenup you are entitled of half of everything that was acquired after the marriage. But you re going to need a lawyer. Don’t even attempt to do this without one as tempting as it may be to save a few bucks. In the end it will cost you a lot if you don’t.
I wish you the best of luck. I know this is really tough but I think you will find that pretty soon a weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you will start to be able to relax and breathe again.
And of course you are entitled to a lot more than the clothes....unless there was a prenup you are entitled of half of everything that was acquired after the marriage. But you re going to need a lawyer. Don’t even attempt to do this without one as tempting as it may be to save a few bucks. In the end it will cost you a lot if you don’t.
I wish you the best of luck. I know this is really tough but I think you will find that pretty soon a weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you will start to be able to relax and breathe again.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kc...….the most urgent person that you need to be talking to, right now, I believe, is a lawyer.....someone with actual factual knowledge of what your rights are. You do have legal rights. Just knowing that will give you m ore self confidence.
If you don't know how to find a lawyer.....the local dv organization can direct you to someone who is familiar with your kind of situation....a person with legal knowledge.
If I recall correctly, you put the important legal documents and important papers in a safe place.....? Am I correct about this? If I am....that is good and I suggest that you don't give him any information....Only do what your legal advisor (a lawyer) tells you to do. You can tell him to have his lawyer talk to your lawyer, if he has questions.
I absolutely concur with SleepyHollow that you can't think of going this without legal advice.....
I realize that you feel very intimidated by him.....a nd, you fear him being angry or upset. This is why you need outside support....every bit that you can get.....
The more people who are "on your side"...the more confident you will feel....
I, also, concur with talking to him only by email....and, only about Necessary conversations regarding the children.....
You are going to need to establish tougher boundaries with your husband.....when you do that, you will actually feel more in control of your life and emotions.....
Just because he says something doesn't automatically make it true....It sounds like he is used to intimidating and scaring you by everything he says.....
If you don't know how to find a lawyer.....the local dv organization can direct you to someone who is familiar with your kind of situation....a person with legal knowledge.
If I recall correctly, you put the important legal documents and important papers in a safe place.....? Am I correct about this? If I am....that is good and I suggest that you don't give him any information....Only do what your legal advisor (a lawyer) tells you to do. You can tell him to have his lawyer talk to your lawyer, if he has questions.
I absolutely concur with SleepyHollow that you can't think of going this without legal advice.....
I realize that you feel very intimidated by him.....a nd, you fear him being angry or upset. This is why you need outside support....every bit that you can get.....
The more people who are "on your side"...the more confident you will feel....
I, also, concur with talking to him only by email....and, only about Necessary conversations regarding the children.....
You are going to need to establish tougher boundaries with your husband.....when you do that, you will actually feel more in control of your life and emotions.....
Just because he says something doesn't automatically make it true....It sounds like he is used to intimidating and scaring you by everything he says.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kc......I think that I can say that we all understand how much this hurts. Most all of us have been exactly where you are....so, we know what that feels like, and you have our upmost empathy...….Please don't think that we don't......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Thanks everyone! Today has been better. I feel really relieved. I got some more of my things while he was out today. I have all my clothes. And most of the kids. I feel really good right now. It’s like a weight is lifted off me. He called tonight to talk with the kids. It was obvious he was drinking. And it made me so happy I wasn’t there to deal with it.
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