Treatment resistant depression + dating alcoholic = ???
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Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 2
Treatment resistant depression + dating alcoholic = ???
Typing this from my phone, laying in a bed of urine, getting elbowed by my alcoholic bf while he nearly suffocates in his sleep. I don’t know where to go or what to do.
ABF and I have been dating and living together for about a year and a half. Before that, I dated and lived with the same alcoholic for seven years. In both instances, I’ve paid the entirety of the rent and the majority of everything else. I’m 28F so I’ve spent my entire adult life codependent with alcoholic men. Also have very serious depression, suicidal ideation and insomnia - treatment resistant so far.
I truly care for and love my ABF but I don’t know what to do, logically. He quit his job in Nov of last year and anytime he scrounges up change, borrows money or begs friends, he spends it on high percentage beers and blacks out.
Drinks 15+ high percentage beers at a time. Will sneak out of the house drunk while I’m sleeping or showering, often driving my car and stealing money from me. I won’t have any idea it even happened until I check my bank account later. Has let his drunk friend drive my car without asking me in the middle of the night when I was in bed (I tried to hide my keys and he found them). Basically, treats me like garbage and I let him because I don’t know, dude. I’m messed up and not any better than him.
Urinates all all over the house including on electronics, bedwetter, verbally abusive, steals, lies... the whole shabang. I’m trying to sound casual because my life is a ******* joke at this point. I get upset a lot, to the point of severe physical symptoms and delusions.
Something that is very important to mention now is that we are very poor. I don’t mean like, can’t afford a car or vacation poor, I mean the electricity and water get shut off regularly, we don’t have hardly any money for food or gas or basic necessities. It greatly diminishes my ability to seek help for either of us.
He has crossed the line into abusive behavior starting around the holidays of last year. Calling me names, elbowing and kicking me in the night while he’s supposedly “sleeping” - I have a strong gut feeling that there isn’t hope for this relationship ship no matter how hard I try to love him. I am a matter of factly type of person, I don’t think I’m stupid, I just have problems, different but unequal to his. I think we shouldn’t be living together.
I have asked him him to leave on four separate occasions since Christmas Eve. They have all been when he is blistered drunk and he refuses. I have ZERO friends or family to ask for help removing him. I would have to call the police, and truthfully, I don’t want the police involved because they scare me. I don’t even know where he would go if I managed to get him out of the house and somehow locked the door behind him quick enough. I feel trapped inside my home with a monster.
Because of being financially strained, I’m actually stuck. I don’t have money to get help for my depression or move somewhere else. The place I’m renting and the bills are in my name. I don’t have any magic words to get him to leave. He just straight up refuses and eventually I give up, lock myself in the bathroom and cry until I fall asleep.
Tonight, he pissed the bed, it got on me. He was blackout so it took me almost 30 minutes to wake him up, he calls me a stupid bitch and lays back down in his pee and continues sleeping. We share a full size bed so I’m pushed into the corner. We have no couch for me to go to. I’m here, typing this up for whoever because I’m living in purgatory.
Is my only option to call the police to have him removed? Is there any other way? Can I call an ambulance if he’s blackout and unresponsive to me? I tried that once with my ex but he came to during the ambulance ride and refused treatment and it just made everything worse. Can you force somebody to go to rehab? Can life get any ******* worse than being codependent to an alcoholic?
ABF and I have been dating and living together for about a year and a half. Before that, I dated and lived with the same alcoholic for seven years. In both instances, I’ve paid the entirety of the rent and the majority of everything else. I’m 28F so I’ve spent my entire adult life codependent with alcoholic men. Also have very serious depression, suicidal ideation and insomnia - treatment resistant so far.
I truly care for and love my ABF but I don’t know what to do, logically. He quit his job in Nov of last year and anytime he scrounges up change, borrows money or begs friends, he spends it on high percentage beers and blacks out.
Drinks 15+ high percentage beers at a time. Will sneak out of the house drunk while I’m sleeping or showering, often driving my car and stealing money from me. I won’t have any idea it even happened until I check my bank account later. Has let his drunk friend drive my car without asking me in the middle of the night when I was in bed (I tried to hide my keys and he found them). Basically, treats me like garbage and I let him because I don’t know, dude. I’m messed up and not any better than him.
Urinates all all over the house including on electronics, bedwetter, verbally abusive, steals, lies... the whole shabang. I’m trying to sound casual because my life is a ******* joke at this point. I get upset a lot, to the point of severe physical symptoms and delusions.
Something that is very important to mention now is that we are very poor. I don’t mean like, can’t afford a car or vacation poor, I mean the electricity and water get shut off regularly, we don’t have hardly any money for food or gas or basic necessities. It greatly diminishes my ability to seek help for either of us.
He has crossed the line into abusive behavior starting around the holidays of last year. Calling me names, elbowing and kicking me in the night while he’s supposedly “sleeping” - I have a strong gut feeling that there isn’t hope for this relationship ship no matter how hard I try to love him. I am a matter of factly type of person, I don’t think I’m stupid, I just have problems, different but unequal to his. I think we shouldn’t be living together.
I have asked him him to leave on four separate occasions since Christmas Eve. They have all been when he is blistered drunk and he refuses. I have ZERO friends or family to ask for help removing him. I would have to call the police, and truthfully, I don’t want the police involved because they scare me. I don’t even know where he would go if I managed to get him out of the house and somehow locked the door behind him quick enough. I feel trapped inside my home with a monster.
Because of being financially strained, I’m actually stuck. I don’t have money to get help for my depression or move somewhere else. The place I’m renting and the bills are in my name. I don’t have any magic words to get him to leave. He just straight up refuses and eventually I give up, lock myself in the bathroom and cry until I fall asleep.
Tonight, he pissed the bed, it got on me. He was blackout so it took me almost 30 minutes to wake him up, he calls me a stupid bitch and lays back down in his pee and continues sleeping. We share a full size bed so I’m pushed into the corner. We have no couch for me to go to. I’m here, typing this up for whoever because I’m living in purgatory.
Is my only option to call the police to have him removed? Is there any other way? Can I call an ambulance if he’s blackout and unresponsive to me? I tried that once with my ex but he came to during the ambulance ride and refused treatment and it just made everything worse. Can you force somebody to go to rehab? Can life get any ******* worse than being codependent to an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I'm guessing you're in the UK? I don't know the laws there, but here in the US, it's not legal to just toss out someone permanently who is living in your home (even if he or she is a mooching loafer who contributes nothing). There are procedures to go through to evict someone, but it's not as simple as having the police escort them away.
It sounds like up to this point, you'd rather have a lousy boyfriend than no boyfriend at all. That's not an especially healthy outlook, as it sets someone up to be abused and treated like a meal ticket. I can see how that would make existing depression worse.
Can you see a solicitor to go over your options? Do you qualify for some kind of free legal aid?
It sounds like up to this point, you'd rather have a lousy boyfriend than no boyfriend at all. That's not an especially healthy outlook, as it sets someone up to be abused and treated like a meal ticket. I can see how that would make existing depression worse.
Can you see a solicitor to go over your options? Do you qualify for some kind of free legal aid?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by velma929 
I'm guessing you're in the UK? I don't know the laws there, but here in the US, it's not legal to just toss out someone permanently who is living in your home (even if he or she is a mooching loafer who contributes nothing). There are procedures to go through to evict someone, but it's not as simple as having the police escort them away.
It sounds like up to this point, you'd rather have a lousy boyfriend than no boyfriend at all. That's not an especially healthy outlook, as it sets someone up to be abused and treated like a meal ticket. I can see how that would make existing depression worse.
Can you see a solicitor to go over your options? Do you qualify for some kind of free legal aid?
It sounds like up to this point, you'd rather have a lousy boyfriend than no boyfriend at all. That's not an especially healthy outlook, as it sets someone up to be abused and treated like a meal ticket. I can see how that would make existing depression worse.
Can you see a solicitor to go over your options? Do you qualify for some kind of free legal aid?
I’ve been telling him to leave.
I guess it’s comforting, in a weird way, to hear that it would be a complicated process to have him legally removed since I definitely don’t have the motivation, time or resources to follow through. I feel like I deserve suffering, anyway. Thanks for the response.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
NB, you do NOT deserve suffering. That is your depression talking.
If you can manage it, I think it would be of great benefit to you to speak to the folks at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You are in an abusive situation, and you deserve better for yourself.
It is not your responsibility to save him from himself. But you can save you. I hope you do.
If you can manage it, I think it would be of great benefit to you to speak to the folks at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You are in an abusive situation, and you deserve better for yourself.
It is not your responsibility to save him from himself. But you can save you. I hope you do.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I personally would get the address of the nearest homeless shelter and give it to him. You should seek the help of a violence hotline. I did so. I ended up receiving counseling that really helped me, for free. I was not physically abused on the regular, but I was emotionally abused, and you are too.
That sounds absolutely horrible. You deserve so much more. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
That sounds absolutely horrible. You deserve so much more. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I second Sparkle Kitty's suggestion re the DV Hotline. Believe me, they deal with this scenario a lot, and they can tell you what can and can't be done.
If he gets physical with you, call the police and they will remove him. Can I suggest you go the local police station and talk to them? Describe what is happening and ask them what can be done. They won't bite, and they probably have officers who specialise in DV cases.
You have no responsibility to seek help for him. You're paying for everything and getting nothing in return except abuse and a wet bed. Good for you for recognising this has to end. I'm sure you're capable of following though.
I suspect your poverty and depression will ease once you get this free-loader out of the house.
If he gets physical with you, call the police and they will remove him. Can I suggest you go the local police station and talk to them? Describe what is happening and ask them what can be done. They won't bite, and they probably have officers who specialise in DV cases.
You have no responsibility to seek help for him. You're paying for everything and getting nothing in return except abuse and a wet bed. Good for you for recognising this has to end. I'm sure you're capable of following though.
I suspect your poverty and depression will ease once you get this free-loader out of the house.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
I am not sure if you work but some employers do offer free counseling with their EAP programs. The DV hotline as others have suggested is a good starting point. Physical and emotional violence is never ok and more often than not escalates. Please save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
Hi Neverbetter,
Without a doubt, your first priority has to be addressing your mental health issues. You mentioned you have suicide ideation. If you ever need help, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also call 911 or go to a hospital ER.
Beyond that, all I have to offer to the above is that the eviction process varies fairly significantly from state to state and information is available on google. There will be a local domestic violence organization in your state that can give you all the information you need about that. The national DV organization will refer you to them. Sparkle has posted the number above. Also, don't fear law enforcement. They are all trained in domestic violence issues.
If he gets into an at fault accident with your car, you could be responsible for the deductible and your insurance rates could go up significantly for years.
Good advice above. I wish you the best. Sometimes the worst thing we can do is to do nothing.
Without a doubt, your first priority has to be addressing your mental health issues. You mentioned you have suicide ideation. If you ever need help, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also call 911 or go to a hospital ER.
Beyond that, all I have to offer to the above is that the eviction process varies fairly significantly from state to state and information is available on google. There will be a local domestic violence organization in your state that can give you all the information you need about that. The national DV organization will refer you to them. Sparkle has posted the number above. Also, don't fear law enforcement. They are all trained in domestic violence issues.
If he gets into an at fault accident with your car, you could be responsible for the deductible and your insurance rates could go up significantly for years.
Good advice above. I wish you the best. Sometimes the worst thing we can do is to do nothing.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Neverbetter, my dear young woman,
No one deserves suffering. You are not an exception to that just because you are you! Please know that you deserve the best possible treatment!
I hope you will consider contacting the numbers provided by SparkleKitty and HeadEast above.
If you are afraid to call, I hope you will read this thread. One of our members shares her experience calling the DV hotline.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-hotline.html (Calling the Domestic Violence Hotline)
You do deserve happiness and true joy! You are worth every effort!!
No one deserves suffering. You are not an exception to that just because you are you! Please know that you deserve the best possible treatment!
I hope you will consider contacting the numbers provided by SparkleKitty and HeadEast above.
If you are afraid to call, I hope you will read this thread. One of our members shares her experience calling the DV hotline.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-hotline.html (Calling the Domestic Violence Hotline)
You do deserve happiness and true joy! You are worth every effort!!
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