Sad, confused and hurt, could use some advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 3
Sad, confused and hurt, could use some advice.
My GF entered a 28 day rehab in late December, we spoke after the 1st week of no phones, she was so happy to speak to me and happy with where she was saying it was the right place to be , during the next week much was the same in our calls telling me her after rehab plans ,telling me she love's me and we were welcome at her rehab roommate's husbands restaurant after she got out, she rang me xmas morning which was a complete surprise to both of us as it was a special exception given to the guests for Xmas .
Things changed drastically about 14 or so days in she rang me saying she wont be coming home and we wont be together when she gets out and that rehab has helped her see whats she needs to do that i'm bad for her, bring her down,gaslight+manipulate her and am one of her main triggers. Things changed a bit the next day she said she couldn't come back to the apartment we had to work on our issues she loves me deep down and isn't closing doors on our relationship but for the foreseeable future[months] she has to focus on her[recovery] i think this sounds completely understandable considering .
Since then i ended up leaving our home, her mom[+moms long term bf] picked her up after the rehab ended and stayed with her in our apartment for the week while she looked for a place to stay then flew home. During the next week while trying to sort out who's stuff is what i received angry message's from her and it was very hard to communicate and she refused to speak other than txt, a week later her mom flew back to help her[ turns out she was drunk most of the week alone]. Her mom helped her move into a new place then left a week later, my gf was alone for another week then i got a call from the rehab center[ they say it was a mistake] my gf then messaged later that day saying she is going back to rehab for 14days , she got hurt and sent to hospital so decided to go back to rehab but said she was going to drink all the way there for one last hurrah, she got to rehab in the end a day late cab took her to a pub instead , ending up in hospital again. She text me sober just before she went in saying thanks for my supportx and after 7 days she txt saying she was doing really well and felt ''different this time'' thanks for seeing how she was doing and would txt me tomorrow, this never happened i got a txt saying not to do this to her right now and she has enough problems as it is and that she would message me when ready, this was a response to me asking what has been on has she forgotten about me etc.
I feel a bit of back story is needed to explain things better my gf was drinking before she met most likely daily i had fallen in love with her before a noticed the problem[oops]. during our 8 years together every 6-8 weeks she has drunk to the point of black out and dangerous behavior dui s,police, hospital,etc, she would just disappear and drink and not answer her phone But has bean trying to stop counseling, group therapy, aa etc . My gf has felt terrible for her behavior self hatred guilt anger and anxiety, i have not been perfect either i have been unemployed for most of our time together and that has put a massive stress on her, its only for the last for few years i felt so worried about leaving her alone that Ive worried about our working ours matching as was so worried to leave her alone as she would always get so drunk. Being around so much obviously created its own set of resents on both our behalf's. My gf has been known to lie when drinking a lot as-well for example during her week alone in apartment she told her mother she didn't go to after care because she thought i was banging the door to be let in, this didn't happen she was just to drunk to go. She has said her therapist has told her not to speak to me as it might effect her recovery.
I don't really know what to do i feel like history is being changed i loved my girlfriend with all my heart and and in between her binges we had lovely times [sport,mountain climbing,we kissed each other good night and said a love you daily[and many other couple things don't wont to gross you all out, pets names etc] ] but she did have anger and anxiety issues. She told me her work[education]and me are her number 1 ''triggers'' and that she came ''understand'' it? half way through her 1st rehab, its just she was drinking way before i new her , i found her passed out in her apartment just a few months into us dating with AA the last thing typed on her laptop. I feel like im getting the blame?
Things changed drastically about 14 or so days in she rang me saying she wont be coming home and we wont be together when she gets out and that rehab has helped her see whats she needs to do that i'm bad for her, bring her down,gaslight+manipulate her and am one of her main triggers. Things changed a bit the next day she said she couldn't come back to the apartment we had to work on our issues she loves me deep down and isn't closing doors on our relationship but for the foreseeable future[months] she has to focus on her[recovery] i think this sounds completely understandable considering .
Since then i ended up leaving our home, her mom[+moms long term bf] picked her up after the rehab ended and stayed with her in our apartment for the week while she looked for a place to stay then flew home. During the next week while trying to sort out who's stuff is what i received angry message's from her and it was very hard to communicate and she refused to speak other than txt, a week later her mom flew back to help her[ turns out she was drunk most of the week alone]. Her mom helped her move into a new place then left a week later, my gf was alone for another week then i got a call from the rehab center[ they say it was a mistake] my gf then messaged later that day saying she is going back to rehab for 14days , she got hurt and sent to hospital so decided to go back to rehab but said she was going to drink all the way there for one last hurrah, she got to rehab in the end a day late cab took her to a pub instead , ending up in hospital again. She text me sober just before she went in saying thanks for my supportx and after 7 days she txt saying she was doing really well and felt ''different this time'' thanks for seeing how she was doing and would txt me tomorrow, this never happened i got a txt saying not to do this to her right now and she has enough problems as it is and that she would message me when ready, this was a response to me asking what has been on has she forgotten about me etc.
I feel a bit of back story is needed to explain things better my gf was drinking before she met most likely daily i had fallen in love with her before a noticed the problem[oops]. during our 8 years together every 6-8 weeks she has drunk to the point of black out and dangerous behavior dui s,police, hospital,etc, she would just disappear and drink and not answer her phone But has bean trying to stop counseling, group therapy, aa etc . My gf has felt terrible for her behavior self hatred guilt anger and anxiety, i have not been perfect either i have been unemployed for most of our time together and that has put a massive stress on her, its only for the last for few years i felt so worried about leaving her alone that Ive worried about our working ours matching as was so worried to leave her alone as she would always get so drunk. Being around so much obviously created its own set of resents on both our behalf's. My gf has been known to lie when drinking a lot as-well for example during her week alone in apartment she told her mother she didn't go to after care because she thought i was banging the door to be let in, this didn't happen she was just to drunk to go. She has said her therapist has told her not to speak to me as it might effect her recovery.
I don't really know what to do i feel like history is being changed i loved my girlfriend with all my heart and and in between her binges we had lovely times [sport,mountain climbing,we kissed each other good night and said a love you daily[and many other couple things don't wont to gross you all out, pets names etc] ] but she did have anger and anxiety issues. She told me her work[education]and me are her number 1 ''triggers'' and that she came ''understand'' it? half way through her 1st rehab, its just she was drinking way before i new her , i found her passed out in her apartment just a few months into us dating with AA the last thing typed on her laptop. I feel like im getting the blame?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 3
Sorry for long post just a few things to ad. I not trying to make out she is a horrible person alcoholism is a terrible disease and i'm not perfect in any way. Its just Ive tried to support/ help her as best i could and in the last few years after reading about codependency just trying to support her to help her self-self. Ive not had any real explanation and feel terrible both for her and the way i feel treated. I forgot to mention she took 90% of apartment stuff even the washing up liquid
I've recived the odd txt telling me to listen to adele song , and that i no her really and that she missed me i assume when drinking. Shes been out of the 2nd rehab a week not a peep from her i just feel lost and confused 8 years then she just vanished and i feel im being blamed and her therapists didn't get the full story. sorry to go on thanks any one who read it all , all advice is appreciated
I've recived the odd txt telling me to listen to adele song , and that i no her really and that she missed me i assume when drinking. Shes been out of the 2nd rehab a week not a peep from her i just feel lost and confused 8 years then she just vanished and i feel im being blamed and her therapists didn't get the full story. sorry to go on thanks any one who read it all , all advice is appreciated
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
Rehab changes people and recovery is a long process. It sounds like she wants to do it on her own and you need to respect that. Recovery isn't easy and has many ups and downs and she wants to do it by herself. It sounds as if the relationship wasn't a good place for her.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
I am so sorry. Life is complex. Abandonment hurts like crazy...for a long time. Your ex partner has resources in her mother and access to rehab, and she's made decisions (while impaired or not) to "go it" without you. I'm thinking there's no "why?" from her that will makes sense to you or stop the hurt. When you can, take care of yourself. Build on your strengths. Develop your competencies. Make new friends. Are you able to get a job? Do you have passions for issues that would help in your community? You are a kind hearted person and a good friend who is now free to explore the world and yourself. You're going to do well as you recover, and discover that your compassion can help you get healthy. Best wishes to you!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi confused - first of all, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it ( the 3 c's ).
For whatever reason, after going through rehab, your ex gf has decided that she needs to go it alone for now.
Yes, that hurts - a lot!
Recovery from alcoholism is an inside job and take a lot of focus. Perhaps she feels she can't deal with your relationship and recovery at the same time.
As you mentioned, there have been problems in the relationship, including you being unemployed for so long and perhaps she doesn't want to deal with that anymore, which is, of course, her choice.
I would let her be, let her sort out her own problems and focus back on yourself. Look for a job, get set up in your own place, focus on what you would like to do.
There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. I would really recommend getting a copy. It has a lot of information about relationships and boundaries etc.
Most of all look after yourself.
For whatever reason, after going through rehab, your ex gf has decided that she needs to go it alone for now.
Yes, that hurts - a lot!
Recovery from alcoholism is an inside job and take a lot of focus. Perhaps she feels she can't deal with your relationship and recovery at the same time.
As you mentioned, there have been problems in the relationship, including you being unemployed for so long and perhaps she doesn't want to deal with that anymore, which is, of course, her choice.
I would let her be, let her sort out her own problems and focus back on yourself. Look for a job, get set up in your own place, focus on what you would like to do.
There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. I would really recommend getting a copy. It has a lot of information about relationships and boundaries etc.
Most of all look after yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I don’t think they remove posts but they are anonymous so there should be no problem.
Wishing you the best. Sometimes relationships just cannot survive the trauma of long term addiction.
I hope you can find some peace and healing.
Wishing you the best. Sometimes relationships just cannot survive the trauma of long term addiction.
I hope you can find some peace and healing.
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