Down in the Dumps

Old 02-28-2020, 08:24 AM
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Down in the Dumps

Wow. I made an attempt to join an online community that I used to belong to and had to leave (my choice not banned) because I was getting upset with some of the information and advice I was getting. It was not a healthy place for me to be. I tried to join back yesterday and the mods made a point of telling other members that I had been banned........I am thankful for this group because I feel like most can agree to disagree here and move on. I have never felt attacked even when someone said something that I didn't want to hear (usually the truth, but sometimes the truth is hard to accept).
Anyway, that left me in quite a spot because I really needed support yesterday like in a really bad way and I was left feeling worse than ever! Wednesday, my AH drank himself to oblivion. I went to bed early and just ignored him but I could hear him stumbling around the house all night long. Yesterday morning, he was still intoxicated but quiet and went to work like usual. He came home in a torrent of anger yesterday. Sober but who cares when you are acting like an ass. He went to sleep on the couch right after dinner (which he first refused to eat even though he would also have complained if I had not had it ready when he got home) and only woke up to change his shirt when he was soaked in sweat. He was so mean to me out of the blue. Said that he doesn't know why he even tries anymore. That we hate him and treat him poorly. That no one tells him anything anymore. None of this is true. I simply forgot to tell him one thing....that one of the boys needed new baseball pants. That's it. I explained that I forgot and I apologized. I didn't say that it was because he had been drunk since last week and I didn't have a chance talk about it because I was worried about other more important things.
Today, he left for work an hour early. He said that he needed to talk to his boss. I don't know whether to believe him or not. He couldn't even sit still this morning. I am sure he is having withdrawals again. Of course, it is also payday....which means he will have money to buy a big bottle of booze instead of just a fifth to chug.
I am sad today. Grieving all the could haves and should haves and might have beens. I am tired...for my kids and for myself.
What I wanted to ask in the other group (more aimed towards mental health type diagnosis and co-morbidity) is why they hang on when they are always saying that they want to give up? Do they really want to give up or just looking for attention? I don't want him to give up per se but something has to give eventually. He is going to kill himself with the drinking and he is taking our family down with him.
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Old 02-28-2020, 09:14 AM
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OddSunflower,

Sorry, for such a rough couple of days. The other group spreading bad information instead of just helping out. That is no way to run a support forum.

Sorry, for you sadness in having to deal with your AH. Him telling you that you guys hate him and treat him poorly is his way to belittle you. If you hated him you wouldn't of had dinner ready for him when he came home. Also not telling him one of the kids needed baseball pants. Such a low thing on the totem pole of life. I sure you had the kids baseball pants under control and really didn't need to tell him. It's not like you forgot to tell him there's smoke coming from the car's engine for the past week. Some things need to be discussed, some can be handle without it. You shouldn't of had to apologize for that one.

I am sad today. Grieving all the could haves and should haves and might have beens. I am tired...for my kids and for myself.
What I wanted to ask in the other group (more aimed towards mental health type diagnosis and co-morbidity) is why they hang on when they are always saying that they want to give up? Do they really want to give up or just looking for attention? I don't want him to give up per se but something has to give eventually. He is going to kill himself with the drinking and he is taking our family down with him.
He does the thing he does for attention and to keep the status quo. I know you don't want him to give up. you want the man you feel in love with. But he has to get help and to want to be helped. There is no amount of yelling, apologizing, or making deals that will do it. It is all up to him. Until he does this things will just keep going in a loop for you. He will stop for a while and then something will happen and he will be right back to where things started. The best thing you can do is to look after yourself and your kids.
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Old 02-28-2020, 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by oddsunflower View Post
He is going to kill himself with the drinking and he is taking our family down with him.
Well, the truth is that he has no power to do that unless you hand it to him. From your other thread and this, it seems that your life has become completely focused on his shenanigans, his words, his moods. This is a downward spiral, as you're experiencing. The only way to not go down with him is to take agency of your life, especially your emotional life. Your husband cannot take you anywhere unless you go along with him.
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Old 02-28-2020, 09:24 AM
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The above ^^ is tough to hear but absolutely true.

Saving his life is not within your power. Saving your own, and those of your kids, is indeed something you can do.
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Old 02-28-2020, 09:40 AM
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This is a really difficult situation for you and very sad. You seem like such a good person who has the best intentions.

Your AH has entered the non functioning part of the alcoholics journey where they know better but the physical and mental addiction has taken over. At this stage, his behavior is very difficult for the non alcoholic partner to understand.

When I was deep into my addiction, even though withdrawals were horribly uncomfortable, what made it worse was the way that I felt when trying to stay sober. It was an ugly disconnect towards life that went deeper then my love for anyone or anything in my life. I felt that I wasn't human outside of my drinking.
This is what makes us do the awful things we do to the people we love. It feels like we are living outside of ourselves.

If you are getting pulled into this vortex with him then you must do what you can to save yourself and family because you cannot do anything for him unless he does something for himself.

I am sure he has deep shame and guilt for his behavior but his addiction trumps everything.
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Old 02-28-2020, 10:31 AM
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I recall from your other thread that you have shown interest in the 12 step recovery process.

Alcoholics really have to start from a long way back when you think about it, but Al-anons have no such handicap.

In the early days of AA, before Al-Anon, the wives saw that if the application of those steps could literally produce a miracle, such as stopping an alcoholic in his tracks, then imagine what it could do for someone who hasn't pickled their minds and bodies in alcohol for 20-30 years.

One recovered person in the house, is better than none.

Be the change you want to see.
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Old 02-28-2020, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by oddsunflower View Post
What I wanted to ask in the other group (more aimed towards mental health type diagnosis and co-morbidity) is why they hang on when they are always saying that they want to give up? Do they really want to give up or just looking for attention? I don't want him to give up per se but something has to give eventually. He is going to kill himself with the drinking and he is taking our family down with him.
oddsunflower, If I am reading this right, ( please correct me if I'm wrong), you were wanting to ask this other online support group these questions to try and get answers about how your HUSBAND might be feeling? Or why he is behaving the way he does?

I imagine you would have gotten the same kind of answers from them that you have gotten from us.

I would love to see you put as much effort into understanding yourself as you put into trying to understand your alcoholic husband.

You are spending so much of your precious energy trying to reason with the unreasonable, understand the inexplicable and rationalize the irrational. None of those things are possible. You are spinning your wheels trying to get inside the head of an active addict. It will NEVER make sense to you. It doesn't even make sense to him so how could you ever figure it out? I'm not judging you, I say this as a woman who spent years caught up in someone else's chaos. The answers did not exist and I got extremely exhausted chasing those shadows. I got very sick with an anxiety disorder. It was awful, I wasn't even myself anymore. I was lost, just as caught up in his alcoholism as he was, I was codependent. It sucked.

I got better when I took the focus off him and started doing what I could do to make my own life feel better. I used my own energy on myself for a change and the results were much better than when I wasted that energy on him.

I am glad you are still here sharing with us oddsunflower. I hope you are finding some comfort knowing we understand what you are going through.

*hugs*
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Old 02-28-2020, 11:59 AM
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The 3 C's are important:

I Didn’t Cause It
I Can’t Cure it
I Can’t Control It
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Old 02-28-2020, 01:21 PM
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Thank you all so much for your replies (even the ones that are hard to hear). I think I just found that point where I cannot take so much drama anymore. I try too hard to be tough but sometimes I just want to be heard too.

As for an update. Around noon, I got a call from an unknown number. He got fired. I knew he would. He cashed his check, bought a burner phone and is on the trolley "going somewhere but I don't know yet". I told him to call me when he gets to a station close to our house (none are but close enough will be fine). I need the rent money before he drinks and drugs it all away . The rest...he can deal with. I told him he can't come home. I am done. The kids and I are going to lock up tight tonight. My neighbors have been informed to call the police if they see him. He has to walk up a shared driveway to get to our house, so they can call trespass.
I am heartbroken but it is probably for the best.
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Old 02-28-2020, 03:44 PM
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oddsunflower, I am so sorry for all you are going through, what a mess he has created. I am very proud of you for taking a stand and protecting your family, stay strong! ((hugs))
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Old 02-28-2020, 04:44 PM
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OSF,
Welcome back, glad you are here.

There comes a point in our life when dealing with an addict is no longer bearable. I think its great that you are "locking" him out, but this is his home. Is he on the lease or on the title of the home? You need to check with the laws of your state if you can keep him out. You might not have any legal course to kick him out.

So you have made a decision that you don't want him in your home, wonderful. Whats your plan? Chances are you can't keep him out, he has lost his job so he will be around 24/7. Can you live with a 24 hour drunk? We are only in control of ourselves, trying to control him is going to be impossible. Is there some place that you and your kids can go, family or friends. He is going to get really really angry with you for defying him. I am not sure you are safe under the same roof.

Back to the plan. Do you have any money stashed away. Do you have copies of all the important papers you need. Do you have a car that you can get out quickly if you need too and is it in your name? Please start thinking about these things and work on an exit strategy. You have to remember, if you leave, you might never be able to get back in. Get a bank account in your name, make sure important bills are in your name and that they go to your email address so he won't keep them from you and get these things turned off for non payment.

Sorry to overwhelm you with these things, but try and think what you want for you and your kids future and how to obtain them. This is not something you need to do in 24 hours unless you are in danger, but start making notes and keep everything under wraps, do not discuss any of this with him, or your kids, you do not want him to know your plan. Please stay safe. We are here to help, keep posting so we know you are ok.
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Old 02-28-2020, 05:05 PM
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Hi oddsunflower,

This is a really tough situation. Our support is with you.
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Old 02-29-2020, 05:09 AM
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I hope and pray that it was a peaceful night, although I suspect it may not have been. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you move through this!
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Old 02-29-2020, 05:42 AM
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Maia has some excellent suggestions about managing in the moment.

Please stay safe and we are here for you—
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Old 03-01-2020, 08:58 AM
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OSF, I'm sorry it's come to this. That said, try to think forward (just a bit) to understand that it won't always be this bad, you won't always be so sad and heartbroken.

In the moment, it is all overwhelming, try to focus on the here and now when that happens. What needs to be done today (only). Call your friends, talk to your trusted family members, remember how important you are. You are very important to your family, your friends and to us!

It is sad when a person we care about can't get out from under the addiction. Maybe this will be a turn around for him too, maybe not, that's not predictable, the only thing that is predictable is that you will actually be better off, even though that probably 100% doesn't seem to be the case in the moment.

A plan to get away is a very good idea. I wouldn't worry too much about his name being on the lease or anything like that right now, except as it pertains to you. He will either refuse to leave or he won't, that is out of your control but you do need to be ready to act.
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Old 03-02-2020, 06:39 AM
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I am sorry you are hurting. Stay safe.
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Old 03-02-2020, 08:34 AM
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How are you sunflower? Has he turned up home again? I hope all is well and you are making progress.
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Old 03-02-2020, 01:36 PM
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Much better support than any online forum is Alanon, outstanding support program for people involved with alcoholics. For me it was a lifesaver.
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Old 03-06-2020, 10:32 AM
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Just a quick update.
The kids (and furbabies) and I continue to be safe. Yesterday a family member called to tell me that they saw AH jaywalking into busy traffic on a 6 lane road, that traffic stopped and had to wait for him to cross. I told them next time that it would be more productive to call the police and give a good description with his full name than it was to call me to tattle.
The boys are doing ok with the changes. I am stressed to the max about too many things and I am looking forward to a quiet weekend (please let this happen for me)

Thank you for all the kind words and advice! I do appreciate each and everyone of you. I will try to answer you each individually but I am limiting my internet time since he still has access to our accounts. I am in the process of changing all of these but let me tell you, it is a huge hassle!!! Wow!
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Old 03-06-2020, 10:45 AM
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I hope you have a quiet and peaceful weekend.

Batten down the hatches, turn off your phone, settle in for some good movies or games, if it's nice out, maybe an outing or two?

Take care of yourself.
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