Recovering addict break up
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Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 4
Recovering addict break up
Hello, I’m new here so not even sure if I’m posting in the right place but I’d love some feedback. I was dating my ex for 6 months, he was just a year in recovery from alcohol, drugs (coke) and gambling when we met and really seemed like he had turned his life around. I had no previous experience with anyone in addiction so took him at face-value and he spoke openly about it. He was amazing, kind, considerate, loving, fun and the nicest guy I’d ever met. We just seemed to click and talk for hours. He had a trip booked, first stop LA, then South America, it was booked before we met. He rang everyday from LA and then when they arrived in South America he told me there was drugs everywhere, everyone was trying to push coke onto them. He rang and told me he found it hard but was able to talk himself round. Over the next few days there was a change in him, he didn’t ring as much and his texts weren’t as often, I just thought he was busy. But the couple of times we did speak he was moody and complaining about everything, the weather etc. I just thought his holiday wasn’t turning out as he expected. When he got home everything got back to normal, he rang everyday again and when we were together it was fab! But he started booking loads more trips with friends and talking about buying random things, jumping from one thing to the next, he wasn’t getting back to the gym and was sleeping LOADS! We spoke about it but said it was just getting back from holiday and getting into back to routine is hard! We booked a weekend away and as soon as I picked him up, I thought something felt strange, he wasn’t as chatty but I put it down to him being tired after work. The whole weekend he was was quiet, which was unusual because he’s normally so chatty. And he slept loads and didn’t seem to want to do anything. The day we came home he was cold and distant. The following few days our contact wasn’t as much as usual, I could feel he was distancing himself from me. So we arranged to meet up, he kept talking about money and getting a mortgage the whole few hours we were together - it was really strange, it was the first I’d heard of it. And again he was cold with me so I asked him what was going and he said he didn’t know if he wanted to be in a relationship, he just started to think it in the last few days. He was like a complete stranger standing in front of me, like I was nothing to him. I said ok and left, upset wondering what I did wrong for him to change his mind so suddenly! I haven’t heard a word since and I just can’t understand how someone can go from being so close to me, ringing me everyday, talking about everything to absolutely nothing 😢 I can’t make sense of it?! My therapist think he started using again on holiday - but I just don’t know, after everything he told me, I wouldn’t have thought he would - but maybe he was relapsing?? Surely I would have known if he started using again?? He hadn’t been to any of his meeting since his holiday so that was about 7 weeks. As I said I didn’t have any previous experience of addiction so I didn’t really take any of these things into account till afterwards. I really just thought it was after his holiday because I know I find it hard getting back into routine when I’m away! My head is totally in a mess over it all and I’m so upset 😢
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hello and welcome. sorry for what brings you here, but none of us found SR on our best day ever!
a few things jump out at me from your post.
1. have known each other a very short time
2. he claimed to have 1 year in recovery from drugs/alcohol/gambling - which is impossible to verify
3. he claimed to have a trip booked away to two destinations. but unless you actually saw the travel documents, there is no way to verify that he truly "went" anywhere.
4. he goes from over the top chatty to moody and quiet.
but even if we set all that aside, the bottom line is......he said he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. and that is really where we are at - if one person no longer wants to participate, then that's it. regardless of his reasoning or whatever other influences may or may not be going on, he bowed out.
it's helpful to keep in mind that this could be his pattern of behavior over TIME. you have only seen a short time period. the meeting/getting to know each other phase. you were dating, not married. dating is ALL about getting know each other and each person having the freedom and autonomy to STOP whenever they wish, for any reason.
so you get a crash course in letting go. does it sting? sure does. is it confusing? sure is. but it's part of life. part of dating. part of the human thing.
a few things jump out at me from your post.
1. have known each other a very short time
2. he claimed to have 1 year in recovery from drugs/alcohol/gambling - which is impossible to verify
3. he claimed to have a trip booked away to two destinations. but unless you actually saw the travel documents, there is no way to verify that he truly "went" anywhere.
4. he goes from over the top chatty to moody and quiet.
but even if we set all that aside, the bottom line is......he said he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. and that is really where we are at - if one person no longer wants to participate, then that's it. regardless of his reasoning or whatever other influences may or may not be going on, he bowed out.
it's helpful to keep in mind that this could be his pattern of behavior over TIME. you have only seen a short time period. the meeting/getting to know each other phase. you were dating, not married. dating is ALL about getting know each other and each person having the freedom and autonomy to STOP whenever they wish, for any reason.
so you get a crash course in letting go. does it sting? sure does. is it confusing? sure is. but it's part of life. part of dating. part of the human thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi FQ3, sorry for what brings you here.
Your therapist may well be right. If you notice in your post you have spent a lot of time explaining things away (and he has too).
Getting back in to routine after a holiday? Millions do!
He told you there were lots of drugs around on his holiday, then he was ok when he arrived home but then started booking many more trips.
He suddenly starts sleeping a lot, is moody and distant.
Those can certainly be indicators of relapse.
There is nothing you can do to help really. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
I really hope you take some time to read some of the threads in the forum. It will take time to heal, no way around that. A good idea is to focus back on yourself, what you want to do, what makes you happy, spending time with others you care about. Self care.
Your therapist may well be right. If you notice in your post you have spent a lot of time explaining things away (and he has too).
Getting back in to routine after a holiday? Millions do!
He told you there were lots of drugs around on his holiday, then he was ok when he arrived home but then started booking many more trips.
He suddenly starts sleeping a lot, is moody and distant.
Those can certainly be indicators of relapse.
There is nothing you can do to help really. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
I really hope you take some time to read some of the threads in the forum. It will take time to heal, no way around that. A good idea is to focus back on yourself, what you want to do, what makes you happy, spending time with others you care about. Self care.
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