trailmix

It takes time to get past it, it really does and there isn't any way around that.

I also recommend making a list of all the miserable things he ever said or did, keep it with you and refer to it anytime you start ruminating about missing him. The mind doesn't really like to dwell on unhappy things so you can tend to gloss over a lot. That list will remind you, refer to it whenever you are feeling bad about how great it was/could have been.

Be really nice to yourself! Be around people that care about you. Do things you enjoy, don't isolate (even though you might want to). Getting out and getting new fun time memories distracts you and makes you feel better (again, that takes time). So while lunch with a friend doesn't sound like fun right now, do it anyway. You won't always feel this way.

Lion4

thanks. I think the first few days after i kicked him out i was on a high. now, it is wearing off and I just cry and am sad. I felt so empowered at first. Not, I just miss him.

honeypig

It does get much harder when the anger wears off, this is true. As others said, it's a good idea to make a list of bad things that were said and done and refer to it when you feel tempted to go back. Re-reading your original post here is a good place to start, as is reading around the forum here more. Alanon can help you keep your focus and perspective also--have you checked it out at all?

I will say that while I've read many, many posts like yours about missing the A in the short term after ending the relationship, I have never, not ever, seen anyone come back in the long run and say what a mistake they'd made in ending the relationship and how they wish they were back in it. The fact is that it is painful to end ANY relationship, and it will take time to heal. Just because something hurts at the moment isn't a sign that it's the wrong thing to do.

Seren

This, and the knowledge that in life, sometimes short-term, intense pain is needed to prevent a life-long of pain and misery.

If we have a toothache, we could leave that old tooth in or take it out.
If we have a bone spur...well, anyway, you get what I'm saying...

Sometimes, we are so lonely in this world that we will put up with constant abuse and a bad relationship just so that we won't have to face the pain of being alone.

But the pain of being alone is temporary because we learn, and grow, and come to enjoy our own company. The beauty comes when we are whole as we are and don't "need" to have someone in our lives but we simply "want" to.

I'm sending good thoughts! I know how painful this is, and I'm so sorry!! It has helped me in the past to do simple things every day to distract myself. Before I knew it, those overwhelming waves of sadness became tiny ripples.

Hang in there! and please come and post here any time you need

dandylion

Lion...….I call what you are going through right now----The short-term pain for the Long-term gain.
You already know the long term pain of living with a practicing alcoholic....like you described to us in your original post. It doesn't get better...it just gets worse....
The kind of pain that you are having, now, is going to have an ending. It will not last forever. It will change for the better over a period of time....You will need to do your grieving, of course. There is no way around it...you have already begun.
I think that the most healing factor is face to face contact with other people. People who understand and who have a positive outlook in life.
Stay busy and structure your days.....pleanty of physical exercise....evern just walking is good....

As others are saying.....all relationships are painful to end....grief takes it's own time.....

maia1234

Lion,
Your pain is the same pain an addict feels with out alcohol or drugs, its called withdrawals. You take one day at a time just like an addict withdrawing from their drug of choice. You got this, it will subside!!

hopeful4

Hang in there!

Ariesagain

Another idea...keep reading through the threads in this forum...pages and pages of people who have lost years and years trying to manage their lives (and their children’s) around their partner’s alcoholism.

You don’t even know who this guy is when he’s not drinking. Are you going to risk wasting more of your life on a stranger?

Hang tough, yes?

NYCDoglvr

The only way I'd give an alcoholic a second chance is if he stayed sober one year and was fully engaged in a 12 Step program.

Lion4

Any advice when you start missing you alcoholic and verbally abusive ex? I hated being around him at the end. So, it doesn’t make sense that I now miss him. But I just feel alone. And it makes me really really sad. It’s only been a week. So, I have no interest in starting to date. It just feel alone coming home to an empty house. But I did really love him. And In the end when I kept asking him what his plan was to make sure the drinking didn’t get out of control. All he could say was he would cut back. Even though he knew how upset I was about it. He never once offered to get sober. In fact he said he wouldn’t do AA or get professional help. But I still really miss him. Any advice?

FeelingGreat

Lion you probably know the answer to your question yourself. The grief you feel is natural, and it will lessen over time. Do you have close friends or family to confide in? That helps a lot. If not, try to find a counsellor asap. You don't have to go through this on your own.

Whatever his behaviour, which was appalling, you bonded with him and it's painful to lose him. You can break that bond, but it will take some time and effort on your part. Physical exercise helps, as well as being out doing things with other people.

If you choose to go for a walk, or phone a friend it often doesn't feel like relief straight away, but all those little actions you have to force yourself to do add up in the end, along with the passing of time.

velma929

Review the list of things he did to you and how he showed no interest in planning for the future.
What normal person would be happy that a relationship didn't work out?
This is healthy. One shouldn't use new dates like band-aids, to cover a tender spot for a week and throw them away.
Review the list of things he did to you and how he showed no interest in planning for the future.

honeypig

Of course you miss him. You've formed a routine, no matter how unhealthy it might have been, and now it's gone. You're dealing with the loss of a dream, of all you imagined your life together could be. Your future as you pictured it is gone, and it's too soon for another future dream to have formed yet. Logically, rationally, you know you're better off, but emotions can't be reasoned away. And it's OK to feel whatever you feel; in fact, it's necessary in order to move forward. Where the logic comes into play is in keeping yourself from acting on those emotions when you know there's nothing but more pain in store for you.

Doing some reading, online or otherwise, on this subject might help you. Here's a sampling from the stickies, found at the top of the page. These are threads that have been deemed important enough to be permanently kept at the top of the page to be used as educational material.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ain-stops.html (Are you wondering when the pain stops?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...p-hard-do.html (Breaking Up is Hard To Do.....)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)

You can find more stickied threads here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)

I'm also going to suggest a book put out by Alanon called "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses." You can find it online easily, either new or used depending on your preference.

And last, I'd like to echo those who've said that this process you're in will take time, and time takes time--there is no way to rush it. The quote below was important to me in the past, and I know it will be again in the future. It's just the nature of life, isn't it, that we feel love and loss and grief, and then go thru the whole cycle again and again...there is simply no way to avoid change, and change will always bring mourning for what was or what could have been as much as it brings joy for fresh starts and new chances.

There is no crash course on how to evolve. You cannot buy clarity and wisdom at the store or manufacture it in a lab or train for it. Life does not always lend itself to being tidied or packaged, and our experiences do not always add up at the end of the day.

Clearing is a journey, not a destination. Even if you don't see the whole picture yet, you have put into motion a powerful new combination of habits that are working, altho perhaps quietly behind the scenes.

Enkhecho

You don’t even know who this guy is when he’s not drinking. Are you going to risk wasting more of your life on a stranger?
what does it mean?

trailmix

How can you know someone if the whole time you have known them they are mostly drunk or stoned. Even during short periods of being "sober", they aren't really recovered from the alcoholism.

Alcohol changes a person and physically changes the brain.

NYCDoglvr

This saying helps: "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Kokoro

It's hard. Really hard. I can only say it does get better over time. Something which has helped me a lot is getting used to the idea of being alone and being comfortable with it. It is really scary and upsetting when you are so used to being with someone else but the truth is, being happy with yourself is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. That's not to say close yourself from other people but being able to deal with life on life's terms is a really good thing.

Feel free to look through my thread, there was a lot of pain there but it does get better.

Your original question is should you give a second chance. The question is do you want to risk your happiness on this guy. If you can reach a point where your happiness is not affected by this guys actions a la the al anon way of detachment then sure but that usually in my experience not a long term solution. If the guy is showing he wants to make changes then maybe, but this is a life long problem so be sure you want to go into it knowing this.

Rosalba

Even without active alcoholism, withdrawing from any addictive relationship hurts. It's withdrawal. By 'addictive' I mean that you know it's bad for you, but find it very difficult to stop yourself.

Like the alcoholic who takes their recovery seriously, I found that the 'One day at a time' approach really helps. I found huge solace in Alanon, too.

I also found it important to deal with the emptiness and feeling of abandonment, by surrounding myself with people who cared, and being very aware of what I needed in the moment. It isn't easy to begin with, but does get better with practice.

As for second chances... well, you gave him many, many chances - all of which led to a similar outcome.

B1ueEyes