Wow...just wow!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Wow...just wow!
My daughter has been reaching out to me a lot lately. She has shared some very heartbreaking things about herself and her father.
A little background , her biological mother (I adopted her when she was 10 after her bio mom lost custody, ramped up her addiction and signed away her parental rights) died about a year ago to an overdose. Some believe it was intentional. ( I personally do not) My daughter was guilt ridden because the night before she died - she told her via FB that she wanted nothing to do with her and to leave her alone. The bio mom was one of the most evil people I have ever met and used her children as pawns in more ways then I can ever explain or share. She did a lot of damage.
My daughter is my Exah biological daughter. She has known for sometime that he is an addict/alcoholic but has basically gone into denial because she so desperately wants his love and approval.
Well, he recently OD too but was brought back to life. (Wow, just wow) It was almost to the day that her bio mom died. Her Cody instincts kicked in and she wanted to move to his town and "save" him. He said no, which really hurt her feelings.
She feels like the 2 people that brought her into this world didn't care of about her. " why wasn't i enough?" She is taking it all so personal. She is only 24 and like most of here at some point....wants to rescue him and doesn't realize it has nothing to with love.
Now he and his gf are splitting up because of his drinking, drugging and gambling. I am not shocked but I am (if that make sense) .that he has gotten so bad.
My daughter is afraid he will OD again and no one will be there to save him. I listen, tell her it's not personal and he knows how and where to get help if he ever decide he wants it.
My heart is so broken for her. I really wish she would go talk to someone but she won't. I kind of find hearing about "him" a little triggering. At first, I was so sad for him but the sadness turned to anger quickly and then I was to let it go.
Any advice? It's all so sad. Addiction just keeps destroying everyone it touches.
A little background , her biological mother (I adopted her when she was 10 after her bio mom lost custody, ramped up her addiction and signed away her parental rights) died about a year ago to an overdose. Some believe it was intentional. ( I personally do not) My daughter was guilt ridden because the night before she died - she told her via FB that she wanted nothing to do with her and to leave her alone. The bio mom was one of the most evil people I have ever met and used her children as pawns in more ways then I can ever explain or share. She did a lot of damage.
My daughter is my Exah biological daughter. She has known for sometime that he is an addict/alcoholic but has basically gone into denial because she so desperately wants his love and approval.
Well, he recently OD too but was brought back to life. (Wow, just wow) It was almost to the day that her bio mom died. Her Cody instincts kicked in and she wanted to move to his town and "save" him. He said no, which really hurt her feelings.
She feels like the 2 people that brought her into this world didn't care of about her. " why wasn't i enough?" She is taking it all so personal. She is only 24 and like most of here at some point....wants to rescue him and doesn't realize it has nothing to with love.
Now he and his gf are splitting up because of his drinking, drugging and gambling. I am not shocked but I am (if that make sense) .that he has gotten so bad.
My daughter is afraid he will OD again and no one will be there to save him. I listen, tell her it's not personal and he knows how and where to get help if he ever decide he wants it.
My heart is so broken for her. I really wish she would go talk to someone but she won't. I kind of find hearing about "him" a little triggering. At first, I was so sad for him but the sadness turned to anger quickly and then I was to let it go.
Any advice? It's all so sad. Addiction just keeps destroying everyone it touches.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
What a terrible situation for your Daughter (and you too of course).
My only suggestion would be for her to learn about addiction. If she believes she can "save" him from it, then she doesn't understand.
Now, she may still feel the need to get there to save him anyway! But at least she will be spared some of the guilt and perhaps understand him better (which is good for her). She needs to understand that it has nothing to do with her.
Books, movies, youtube.
I like the book - And Drink I Did - by Jay O'keefe, I think it's a good read and also gives you a view of what it's like to be an alcoholic (and it's not seedy if that is of concern).
I also think a more technical book, on what alcohol does to the mind would be a good idea, I'm sure someone has some suggestions on that.
My only suggestion would be for her to learn about addiction. If she believes she can "save" him from it, then she doesn't understand.
Now, she may still feel the need to get there to save him anyway! But at least she will be spared some of the guilt and perhaps understand him better (which is good for her). She needs to understand that it has nothing to do with her.
Books, movies, youtube.
I like the book - And Drink I Did - by Jay O'keefe, I think it's a good read and also gives you a view of what it's like to be an alcoholic (and it's not seedy if that is of concern).
I also think a more technical book, on what alcohol does to the mind would be a good idea, I'm sure someone has some suggestions on that.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
LMN 
My heart just breaks for your daughter. My stepdaughter used to have an equally big heart and a codie soft spot for her brother. Luckily, she has learned that she really has no control and just prays and speaks to him on her own terms.
I am so glad she has you in her life. And I know, too, how hard this must be for you. Please do come here and talk whenever you need. I will keep your daughter and you in my prayers!
My heart just breaks for your daughter. My stepdaughter used to have an equally big heart and a codie soft spot for her brother. Luckily, she has learned that she really has no control and just prays and speaks to him on her own terms.
I am so glad she has you in her life. And I know, too, how hard this must be for you. Please do come here and talk whenever you need. I will keep your daughter and you in my prayers!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Gosh that's unfortunate about the timing of the bio mother's death. What a pity DD is resisting counselling because that sounds exactly like what she needs. I would keep gently pushing that angle and maybe she will get to the point where it's painful enough for her to seek help.
Do you think your EXAH deliberately kept her away from the train-wreck for her own good? If so, that's to his credit.
Do you think your EXAH deliberately kept her away from the train-wreck for her own good? If so, that's to his credit.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Gosh that's unfortunate about the timing of the bio mother's death. What a pity DD is resisting counselling because that sounds exactly like what she needs. I would keep gently pushing that angle and maybe she will get to the point where it's painful enough for her to seek help.
Do you think your EXAH deliberately kept her away from the train-wreck for her own good? If so, that's to his credit.
Do you think your EXAH deliberately kept her away from the train-wreck for her own good? If so, that's to his credit.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I'm sorry your daughter is dealing with this kind of pain in her young life. Sucks.
I'd suggest you offer her the book, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. My daughter read it when she was 20 ( then again at 23 and 25, because she knows she has codependent issues.) It doesn't take away the pain of loving an addict but it does help people learn how to take better care of themselves while doing so.
I'd suggest you offer her the book, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. My daughter read it when she was 20 ( then again at 23 and 25, because she knows she has codependent issues.) It doesn't take away the pain of loving an addict but it does help people learn how to take better care of themselves while doing so.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too was going to suggest Codependent No More. Also, would she be willing to find and attend a meeting of ACOA or Al-anon? Many resist but in the end are surprised how much it helps and having support during crisis and sad time is important,
LMN, she is lucky to have you to guide her. You know what/who you can change and what you cannot and your example will shine some light into her dark world.
Keeping her in my prayers, I truly hope she gets help with this.
LMN, she is lucky to have you to guide her. You know what/who you can change and what you cannot and your example will shine some light into her dark world.
Keeping her in my prayers, I truly hope she gets help with this.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My heart just hurts for the both of you. I would gently continue to encourage her to see a counselor. It makes all the difference. And listen. And continue to tell her it's not her fault.
Sending huge hugs.
Sending huge hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Yes, BEYOND heartbreaking for both of you. She's so blessed to have you in her life and one day will realize it.
24 is just so young. What an awful situation. Time really will help her gain some perspective. Lots of prayers for you both.
24 is just so young. What an awful situation. Time really will help her gain some perspective. Lots of prayers for you both.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
LMN,
You sound like an amazing mom that wants to help their child. But just like an addict, if she chooses not to seek support than there is no helping her also. You all have been affected by alcoholism, and are in need of support. She can't save him as much as she wants to. She needs to hit a support group or a therapist to learn how to step away and give him to God. She needs this soon so she doesn't lose it if her Dad dies from another over dose.
Keep trying to encourage support, and maybe she might be open to it one day.
Hugs Mom, you are amazing!!
You sound like an amazing mom that wants to help their child. But just like an addict, if she chooses not to seek support than there is no helping her also. You all have been affected by alcoholism, and are in need of support. She can't save him as much as she wants to. She needs to hit a support group or a therapist to learn how to step away and give him to God. She needs this soon so she doesn't lose it if her Dad dies from another over dose.
Keep trying to encourage support, and maybe she might be open to it one day.
Hugs Mom, you are amazing!!
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